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This Week:
* PICS - B3ta zoo
* VID - When Kilroy attacks
* ANIM - Kung-fu Weebl

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "Inadvertently making
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     wanking material for
                              furries since 2002"
B3ta email 146 - 06 Aug 2004

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  Animal mash-ups, Kilroy, Tube Party

  >> B3ta Zoo <<
  Long term readers know that our boarders like
  nothing better than making new animals. Inwits
  has been collecting these creations and giving
  them a place to live. There's some entertaining
  browsing to be had here.

  >> Mocking Robert Kilroy-Silk <<
  Ok, for our international readers here's some
  background: Grannies' favourite Kilroy used to
  present a daytime television confessional talk
  show. After being booted off the BBC following
  controversial remarks about Arabs, he's now
  promoting himself as a right-wing politician.
  This is where Mystery Bob comes in with his
  "bit of mischief." Simply by adding a few scenes
  from a DVD to an opportunistic URL, Bob makes
  his point very clear.

  >> Circle Line party <<
  "The lovely Spacehijackers are having another
  Circle Line Party this Friday, the 6th of Aug,"
  writes rock_a_my_soul, "Last year's one got a
  mention on B3ta which helped make it a huge and
  fantastical event. Please come." So if you're
  knocking about London and fancy meeting some
  random people - give it a shot.


  To bore your mates with down the pub

  * When French telephone companies introduced
    itemised billing, it revealed so much marital
    infidelity that male customers won a legal
    appeal to replace the last four numbers on a
    bill with asterisks.

  * The first car-phone was invented by Mr.
    Ericsson, who put a big metal pole on top
    of his car, so he could make calls by 
    driving into telephone wires.

  * The origin of the word 'taxing' to mean
    thieving came from the chavs. If a povvo
    steals a yuppie's mobile phone, then that
    is a tax on the rich. D'ye see?

  These facts craftily cribbed from "A Brief
  History of the Mobile Phone", which we read
  while sheltering in Waterstone's from that
  big, scary storm on Tuesday.


  Named and shamed

  On entering some web-pages a small audio sting
  is played - presumably because the site creators
  have confused web design with making TV adverts.
  However, as visitors to the famous "I Love
  Horses" site know - there is a certain joy
  in crappy web jingles.
  Our current favourite is for Meat Shakes - yep
  that's right: Drinks made of meat.

  BTW: We'd like to run this as a regular spot
  so if you've heard a crappy jingle recently
  then get in touch.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Porn - for the blind <<
  "It's porn for the blind," intones Zog, 
  "Yes, it's porn. No, it's not safe for work.
  Make sure you rollover with your mouse."
  It's the deadpan delivery of an old gag
  that's making us grin here.

  >> Rape. Birth. Work. Death. <<
  When we're not giggling at penguins slipping
  on ice we'll settle for a bit of misanthropy
  and nihilism. Frankly, if we weren't so old
  and cranky we'd be cutting 4-real into our
  arm with razor blades after watching this
  dark little pop video. Shame the song sucks,
  but you won't notice as the story is
  so compelling.

  >> Upside-down map <<
  Australian Stuart McArthur drew his first upside- 
  down map in 1970. Why? Well, why should Europe be
  at the top anyway? His teacher told him to re-do
  his assignment if he wanted to pass. 40 odd years
  later and he's sold 350,000 copies of the buggers.

  >> Cat yoga <<
  Yoga is so last century. The cool kids now
  exercise by locking themselves in toilets
  and tantric foot-wanking. But there's still
  those flying the flag for yoga - and trying
  to seduce the fad-hungry populace back to
  the old school. Now with cats.

  >> Japanese fag warnings <<
  Smoking is great. It's a natural contraceptive:
  it lowers your fertility and makes people
  less likely to kiss you. Thank the fantastical
  Japanese for this strangely abstract guide to
  smoking etiquette.

  >> Other people's photos <<
  There's a new game on the web: using your P2P
  package to find personal photos accidentally 
  shared by users and er.. showing the world.
  There's some mind-boggling stuff here for
  everyone - casual B3ta readers will enjoy
  the arbitrary and often humorous voyeurism,
  the hardcore will find much inspiration
  for photoshopping.

  >> Goatse cover-shot <<
  "I saw this magazine at the local organic
  food shop," rasps giant_squid, "and it reminded
  me of goatse. What do you think?" Hmm. We think
  it's too close to be an accident. Although,
  disconcertingly, the angle of the hands means
  any viewer is actually standing quite some
  distance up goatse man's bum-hole. Gah.

  >> Kiss dog-farts goodbye <<
  Rocky the B3ta cat has a horrid stinky anus,
  causing much debate whether we should fit
  him with pants. Weighing it up, we decided
  no, on the basis he'd just crap in them and
  walk about with half a turd trailing in his
  anal wake. Imagine our surprise when we found
  that there's a company prepared to sell a 
  product not dissimilar to our conversational
  whimsy. Er... but it's for dogs and it also
  deodorises flatulence.

  >> Yokohama demolition song <<
  Nice little story about a tiny Japanese
  demolition company. They made a catchy corporate
  jingle to promote their business. It became
  more popular than they could ever have
  anticipated and they had to release it as a
  single to meet the frenzied demand from 
  punk teenagers. Yay.

  >> Ginger Sunday at London Zoo <<
  Being a ginger is a blessing and a curse:
  people remember you, but standing out in a
  crowd makes a life of petty crime tricky
  without a wig. Celebrate gingerness, and
  the birth of ginger monkeys with this
  two-for-one offer on visiting London Zoo.


  Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad

  >> GOOD: Jokes back on ice lolly sticks <<
  Hooray. That's writing the newsletter sorted
  for next couple of years.
  >> BAD: Daleks back in Doctor Who <<
  There hasn't been a good Dalek story since
  the 1960s. Why should it be different now?
  >> GOOD: DoubleClick hit by DDoS attack <<
  Banner ad scumbags deserve all that they get.
  Bring it on.
  >> BAD: Dr Gillian McKeith fake diploma <<
  We'd been planning to sell B3ta Photoshopping
  and Viral PhDs for £1000 a pop. The bad press
  for "online degrees" has set us back years.

  >> GOOD: Big Brother ending today <<
  Now we can sit on the Tube without hearing
  people blithering on about the contestants.


  Status Quo Tattoo
  We can only speculate without insight what
  possesses a man to have all the band
  members, past and present, of Status Quo
  tattooed on his back.

  Is it love for the songs? Nostalgia for simpler
  times? Or simply mental illness? 

  Whatever the reason - we love that he's chosen
  to feature little-known bassist Rhino rather
  more prominently than the more famous Francis
  Rossi or Rick Parfitt.


  Umpire, Kung-Fu, Diana

  >> Simon and Garfunkel tennis <<
  "I've made a tennis game," writes Barney, 
  "where you who get to play the umpire."
  Well, this is an unusual approach to Flash
  gaming but the simple absurdity made us grin.

  >> Weebl flips out ninja-style <<
  Jonti enjoys crappy martial arts films with a 
  passion. Now he's ready to spill his love all
  over your computer screen. But you'd probably
  rather just watch this excellent kung-fu
  episode of Weebl & Bob.

  >> Diana death clock <<
  "I was on cafepress trying to create the
  tackiest clock ever," muses ginger fuhrer
  Rob Manuel. "For my wall at B3ta HQ. I
  made one based on the life-story of Princess
  Diana - you can't sink much lower than
  that. To my surprise, it's actually selling
  rather well. Just take a look - who on
  Earth is buying them?"


  Tiger nurses piglets

  Have you ever wanked off a duck? Us neither.
  Here's a charming picture of a tiger and her
  brood of piglets (adopted). It's small
  compensation, we know.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.

  Results from the 'Rhyming Photoshops' Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
  Last week we wanted things that rhyme:
  We asked B3ta boarder 'not_real' to judge the
  entries - here are his faves.
  not_real writes -

  #1 "Speak and spell deluxe - Probably the most
    original entry in the competition, and damn
    funny too. Award yourself a gold star, sir!
  #2 "The Pope - Holy crap, (ahem) what a
    picture! There were quite a few papal entries
    in this competition, but this one stands out
    by a mile. Plus, the expression on his face
    at the 'He's dope!' part makes me laugh
    every time (oldgreyhouse)
  #3 "Parappa The Rapper - In a crapper. With a
    slapper. In Aiya Napa. ? Absolutely superb,
    wins points for excellent slapper picture and
    use of Parappa the Rapper (Neth)
  "If I'm allowed an honourable mention, it'd have
  to be Ravenous Bugblatter Beast's 'badly drawn
  knob' animation, for the most poetic use of a
  crudely-drawn cock I have ever seen!

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week The Challenge Dictator demanded we
  should Photoshop, "What Superheros do on their
  day off"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    newsletter reader Lionel Samain asked
    if could come and take photos of some key
    b3ta people for a magazine profile. Sadly the
    handsome and beautiful Cal & Denise were out the
    country so he made do with this motley crew.

  * RESTAURANT GAMES TO PLAY - a couple of weeks
    back we asking you to enliven our eating
    experiences. Badgerbill writes, "I like playing
    'knifey, forky, spoony'. The rules are simple;
    someone shouts 'knifey, forky, spoony' and as
    he finishes this everybody holds up one of the
    aforementioned pieces of cutlery. Those in the
    minority have to take a drink." Fantastic. We
    can't wait to play it down the Ivy.

  * MORE JOBS FOR B3TA PEOPLE - Mushybees writes
    "I got a cracking illustration job this
    morning, and they found me via b3ta. So,
    thank you very much mister for creating the
    site. I now feel compelled to finally donate.
    As they say in America....you the man!"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * AQUICKPISS.COM - a guide to finding good
    places for a slash without braving "peeing
    in a pub without buying a drink." BTW: We
    recommend the 4th floor at Piccadilly

  * SECRETCASHPOINTS.COM - sod queuing for
    central London cashpoints. Where are the
    sneaky ones that no one uses? Like the
    one in the currency exchange place on 
    Oxford Street.

  * TOP TIP TESTING - the more stupidly
    scientific the better. Read some of the old
    newsletters, there's loads to have a go on.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Jazz_potato, jolajolajola,
  tetsuwan_jan, onelostsoulonefishbowl,
  cronoprouk & joel.
  Top Tippery by Dan
  Additional linkage by Fraser "blobjam" Lewry.
  Board research by Fnordinary World.
  Image challenge handled by Blistery Mob.
  Proofing by the ginger b4ta monkeys. (77794)


  If your in-ear headphones have gone a bit
  crackly lately, perhaps they've got wrinkled
  cones. To straighten them out, give each bud a
  quick suck and they should pop into place as
  easy as pie. Not recommended if you share
  headphones with your wax-ridden mates.

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