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This Week:
* LABS - Milkshake and meat
* MUSIC - Worst Jingles Ever
* ANIM - Fishy poo

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 147 - 13 Aug 2004

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  Meatshakes, Fishy poo and Sticky man

  >> Meatshakes tested <<
  Last week we ran a story about milkshakes
  supposedly made of meat. Well, we were had good
  and proper. However, excitingly, B3ta boarder
  Feral was as enthused as us by the idea of
  meatshakes and volunteered to see if they
  would be as tasty in real life as they sounded
  on the web. Feral, you funny, funny man.

  Turns out the original meatshake site was a
  promo for hip-hop band Ugly Duckling. Thanks
  to what seems like each and every one of our
  gentle readers for pointing out what big
  eejuts we are. This is the album the whole
  exercise was in aid of. If we liked hip-hop
  we expect we'd think it was brilliant.

  >> Fishy poo <<
  The power of web is a wondrous thing - makes
  a one man weep and another man sing. Joel is
  that other man and he's singing to us: A hymn
  to the pleasure of eating seafood and then
  excreting it from out of your bottom.

  >> Platform world <<
  This was originally a little animation on the
  B3ta message board. Lots of little stickmen,
  jumping and climbing around. Someone has tiled
  it to make a gigantic image of an epic stickman
  world. It's pleasingly like something by MC Escher.


  Where's the ciggie message gone?

  HelllVamp writes in: "Wondering if anyone
  can tell me why they took Veni Vidi Vici
  off packs of Marlboro cigarettes - this has
  been pissing me off!" We don't have a clue.
  Anybody out there know the reason, other
  than Julius Caesar suddenly demanding

  Get in touch.  


  Named and shamed

  Last week we asked you to send in the websites
  with the worst jingles ever. Our inbox runneth

  Here's the top five worst web jingles in the
  world, in a small B3ta master-class of jingle

  >> Come along to the Bed Shed <<
  Technique 1: Take a popular song and
  alter the words to the name of your company.
  First popularised by The Doors / Buick crossover
  "Come on Buick, light my fire", your eardrums
  will rebel at this commercial mangling of
  Ritchie Valens's La Bamba.

  >> Up up and away in my beautiful balloon <<
  Technique 2: Pick an instrumental version of
  a famous tune with an apposite theme and your
  listeners will hear the words in their head,
  making their own connections. Matching
  Jimmy Webb's Up Up and Away with a website
  for lifts is a stroke of cheesy genius.
  Other suggestions could be The Monkees' "I'm
  a Believer" for the Pope's homepage, or
  Queen's "We Will Rock You" for a small
  Devonshire quarry.

  >> Fabo. It's like-a-the-best <<
  Technique 3: Comedy foreigners. There's an odd
  joy in hearing people emphatically sing
  apparent nonsense. It's the final spoken line
  that cracks us up here.

  >> 876 5309 - I've got Gem, Gem on the line <<
  Technique 4: Sing your phone number, a
  methodology invented by 80s sex chat-lines.
  We wonder what kind of calls Gem gets from
  lonely web users with this jingle stuck in
  their heads. 

  >> I love eggs <<
  Technique 5: With insane enthusiasm for the
  ordinary, "Ooh You Gotta Love the Incredible
  Egg" takes the "I Love Horses"-patented methods
  and, well, over-eggs the pudding. Wonderful.

  We are sorry if any of this crap gets stuck
  in your head this afternoon. Imagine our hell,
  listening to about 50 jingles to pick out
  these five. Our brains are cheese.


  This is the way the world ends
  If asked, we'd probably like to pass away in
  the comfort of our own beds, surrounded by
  people who love us. Clearly we're not the
  target audience for this exciting new product.
  The Quantum Sleeper isn't just a bed: it's
  fully enclosed and offers protection from guns,
  bombs, natural disasters, chemical attacks.
  It does, however, look rather unfortunately
  like a coffin.


  Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad

  >> GOOD: Rapist wins 7 million quid <<
  If you could just give all rapists 7 mil it
  would solve the problem of rape. Think of the
  whores. Always think of the whores.

  >> GOOD: Bloke chains to himself to BB contestant <<
  Sounds like a brilliant idea for a SKY TV
  show about how many bullshit news stories
  you can generate in a week.

  >> GOOD: No Friends spin-off for Channel 4 <<
  Apparently, the bidding war for Friends
  spin-off Joey has gone too high for C4.
  Excellent news because the show is shit.

  >> GOOD: 'Game virus' attacks mobile phones <<
  The first destructive mobile phone virus is out
  in the wild. But it only affects Symbian phones.
  Ha ha. Symbian losers - Windows CE forever!

  >> BAD: Nothing bad this week <<
  Everything is good this week. Thank-you baby
  Jesus. We love you.


  "Suck my Cock Keira-Knightley"

  The back-story: Bloke writes a heart-felt song
  about how much he'd like to have sex with
  Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley.
  Sadly, the poor man plays no instrument and
  cannot sing. He needs a helpful web community
  to perform his song and, thus, perhaps to make
  his humble dream come true. 

  There are some good efforts, but this is
  undeniably the best version. What makes for
  greatness is the combination of smooth, 
  accomplished musicianship and lyrics that are,
  frankly, retarded.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Mad map <<
  It's a special type of madness that tries to
  organise the entire history of US business
  scandals into an A4-sized diagram. Obsessive
  compulsive? Autism? We're not doctors but
  that's not going to stop us throwing psychiatric
  jargon about. We especially enjoy that diagrams
  are normally used to communicate complex
  information more effectively than words.
  This diagram is a failure. But a joyous one.

  >> Bum hole jewellery <<
  We're always looking for new ways to ornament
  our bodies at B3ta. We've done the cock rings,
  and nipple tassels and frankly we're bored.
  Our new thing is to stick jewel-encrusted
  butt-plugs up our arse. Might not be for
  everyone though, imagine the size of diamond you'd
  need for Goatse - it'd be like the Koh-i-Noor.
  Oh, and fifty quid on Janet Jackson sporting one
  for the next Superbowl.

  >> Bike protest art <<
  We're always interested to hear about new and
  strange ways of mucking with technology to
  create art. These guys are protesting against
  Bush and using phone-controlled bikes to paint
  anti-Republican messages on American pavements.
  Can't wait for it to reach the UK. We want to
  circle London's M25 in a cascade of painty
  penises. No reason. We just like cocks.

  >> eBay marketing tricks <<
  There's no secret in selling stuff to heterosexual
  men: They're simple creatures. Just stick a sexy
  lady on your product and half the world will
  sit-up and listen. We love the low-rent approach
  of applying this to eBay, i.e. getting a large
  breasted girl to hold up the products for the
  camera. Web marketing genius.

  >> Tron guy does TV <<
  Remember the Tron guy? He had his 15 minutes
  of web fame by being a little over-weight and
  dressing in a figure-hugging SciFi suit.
  Telly people took note and are employing him
  as a roving reporter - baiting Michael Moore
  outside cinemas. Frankly we can't tell who
  the joke is on. Probably everyone.

  >> Fried chicken-spotting <<
  KFC sell protein to poor people, but the real
  povos eat in KFC-a-like restaurants. You know,
  the lettering will be the same colours as KFC
  but the logo will be "Texan Fried Chicken" or
  best of all, "Kent's Tuck Inn Fried Chicken."
  This site is compiling photos of all the
  variations. It's a chav treat. 

  >> Classic cat clip <<
  Old but gold, there are some web clips that
  never die. We first caught this video in '97
  and watched it 10 times in a loop. Found it
  again today and it's lost none of it's appeal.
  If you've never seen it, this attack cat
  is wondrous.

  >> Realdoll vs. Superbabe <<
  Realdolls are old hat on the web. But there's
  a new pretender to the throne of "saddest
  fuck-toy." Let us introduce you to the
  Superbabe in a features face-off with the
  classic Realdoll. Apparently the Superbabe
  has a repositioned vagina which makes her
  easier to fuck than a real lady. Result.
  Evolution had better get its act together.


  Don't write in - it's just for fun
  One of the joys of the web is finding
  preposterous things and trying to decide if
  they really are for real. Here are some that
  caught our attention this week. Maybe we
  know the answers, but we're not talking.
  >> Doggy poo film <<
  A cute and heart-warming animated film where
  the main character is a dog turd. Surely not.
  Surely not. The McDonald's tie-in would
  be a disaster.

  >> Retro-encabulator ad <<
  A corporate expert describes in the simplest
  possible terms how his company's latest product
  works. Should provide no problem to the
  intelligent layman.

  >> Diary of a paedo <<
  The web harbours a lot of dark little places.
  This purports to be the online diary of a
  Lima-based paedophile. Whatever it is, it's
  disturbingly detailed and something for
  the morbidly curious.


  Fat bloke
  Yeah yeah, he's been in all the newspapers
  this week, but there couldn't be a better
  exhibit for B3ta's human zoo than frighteningly
  fat Patrick Deuel. Seems like a nice guy, looks
  a bit like a Buffy baddie.
  On a crash diet, he's lost 23 stone over the
  past eight weeks. We think he should get a
  Slimmer of the Year award for that, even if he
  now chooses to stick at his current weight of
  around 53 stone.


  Ickle tiny baby hedgehog

  Sponge Monkey writes, "We've been looking after
  a little (or should that be 'ickle'?) hedgehog
  that we found out of sorts in our garden
  last week. We've called him 'Herbie'."
  Awww. Look at him. Look at his
  little hands:

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Northern quiz, Teddy death & Moth bloke

  >> Are you northern? <<
  Ally_Baby is proud of his northern UK heritage
  and has built a test so that you too can tell
  if you're northern. "It was based on an
  extremely large sample of eight friends,"
  he brags "And I can conclusively say that
  it is largely 64% correct." Are you ready
  to face the awful truth about yourself?

  >> Teddy death <<
  Jues writes "There's something about jazz,
  high-powered rifles and teddies that goes
  so well together. TEDDIES MUST DIE!" We
  can't find fault with that. Mainly because
  we're too terrified to reply.

  >> Moth-man strikes <<
  Dave Knightfever sent us a video with the
  message "This is my (older) brother Alan, he's
  a tard." It's a mighty work of man vs. moth.
  Shit beginning, shit ending, but the middle
  bit is excellent.

  Results from the "Superheroes' Day Off" Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
  Last week we wanted to see what superheroes did
  when they're not saving the world:
  We asked B3ta boarder 'carowallis' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.
  carowallis writes -
  #1 "RoboCop Goes Bird Watching - I got my
    thesaurus out for this entry: Amazing,
    Fantastic, Superb, Excellent, Outstanding,
    Exceptional. I could go on but I have to
    decide on three more. Congratulations Monkeon,
    a well-deserved front page too - it's been a
    good week for you! (monkeon)
  #2 "Party On September 11th 2001 - OK, so I'm
    slightly biased because it's my birthday, but
    this was truly ingenious and, again, it
    definitely deserved the front page. Great work!
    (Happy Shopper)
  #3 "Batman and Late Night TV - Hurrah, this made
    me laugh like an evil villain! It wins third
    place because it's wonderfully executed and
    the Wonder Woman poster is an inspired touch.
  My special mention goes to 'Up Lois Lane'
  Another competition, another hilarious post from
  Beau Bo d'Or. Original, snappy, and everyone
  loves a rude Superman joke! Need I say more?

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, B3ta contributor 'Down on the Farm'
  gave us the suggestion, "Alternative Funerals."


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SECRET CASH MACHINES - Chris writes, "About
    6 years ago I worked for the MoD in their
    main building in Whitehall.  They have two
    cash machines there, HSBC and Lloyds. I
    had to sign the official secrets to use them
    but at least I never had to queue." Hmm.
    Surely telling us is a crime? And Treason a
    capital offence? If anyone from the MoD wants
    to get in touch we'll happily hand over Chris's
    email address. As long as we can film the
    execution for the next newsletter.

  * CIRCLE LINE PARTY - "Thanks for putting the
    Circle Line Party in", writes Your Mum, "It was
    I who leaked it to B3ta last year. Expected
    turnout: 100. Actual turnout: 500. Conversation
    tended to start with:
   'Where did you hear about this party?'
   'Some website.'
   'Does it involve pictures of cats?'
    Read more of how it all went and see a
    few pictures:

  * BUKKAKE SONG IN MOVIE - Doghorse writes,
    "Film producers have got in touch, and want
    to use the song in a Japanese/US fantasy
    sword-fest film coming out early next year."
    Wicked. We expect front row seats at the 
    premiere for helping to make this happen.


  Lightning pool
  This is a very pleasing Flash game of pool,
  with jazzed-up special effects. It's an 
  excellent rendition of the pub classic - like
  being down the boozer with Odin. We only wish
  that computers were as good at simulating beer.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RESTAURANT ROULETTE - stick a dining partner's
    knife up your arse. Watch them eat their
    dinner. Tell them after they've finished.
    See the fireworks explode.

  * RESUME GAME - open your fave p2p app, and
    search for resume or CV. Open a website
    for the crappest ones so we can all have a

    of the Twin Towers. Fill with
    extraordinary amounts of jelly. Sellotape
    a pair of wings to your arms and film
    yourself running at the constructions
    screaming "infidels must die". 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by kitallen, david/bpr, 
  andrew brandse, patrick/ls, robert bryce,
  em_is_for_music, kevin/jm, passthesickbucket,
  jspearmint, rtf, gypsychk, spanishcatfish,
  chancingmyarm, glantern954 & m.raeburn.
  Top Tippery by Freddy Woo.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by b4ta's marching mariachis. (78017)


  TOP TIP: Prevent zips from sticking by rubbing
  with the edge of a bar of soap.

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