NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 147: "WORST JINGLES EVER PRODUCED"
This Week:
* LABS - Milkshake and meat
* MUSIC - Worst Jingles Ever
* ANIM - Fishy poo
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 147 - 13 Aug 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue147/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Meatshakes, Fishy poo and Sticky man
>> Meatshakes tested <<
Last week we ran a story about milkshakes
supposedly made of meat. Well, we were had good
and proper. However, excitingly, B3ta boarder
Feral was as enthused as us by the idea of
meatshakes and volunteered to see if they
would be as tasty in real life as they sounded
on the web. Feral, you funny, funny man.
http://feralweb.com/meatshakes.htm
Turns out the original meatshake site was a
promo for hip-hop band Ugly Duckling. Thanks
to what seems like each and every one of our
gentle readers for pointing out what big
eejuts we are. This is the album the whole
exercise was in aid of. If we liked hip-hop
we expect we'd think it was brilliant.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00009IC1...
>> Fishy poo <<
The power of web is a wondrous thing - makes
a one man weep and another man sing. Joel is
that other man and he's singing to us: A hymn
to the pleasure of eating seafood and then
excreting it from out of your bottom.
http://www.rathergood.com/fishy/
>> Platform world <<
This was originally a little animation on the
B3ta message board. Lots of little stickmen,
jumping and climbing around. Someone has tiled
it to make a gigantic image of an epic stickman
world. It's pleasingly like something by MC Escher.
http://j-walkblog.com/blog/docs/platform.htm
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: NOTES AND QUERIES
Where's the ciggie message gone?
HelllVamp writes in: "Wondering if anyone
can tell me why they took Veni Vidi Vici
off packs of Marlboro cigarettes - this has
been pissing me off!" We don't have a clue.
Anybody out there know the reason, other
than Julius Caesar suddenly demanding
royalties?
Get in touch.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: CRAP JINGLES
Named and shamed
Last week we asked you to send in the websites
with the worst jingles ever. Our inbox runneth
over.
Here's the top five worst web jingles in the
world, in a small B3ta master-class of jingle
writing.
>> Come along to the Bed Shed <<
Technique 1: Take a popular song and
alter the words to the name of your company.
First popularised by The Doors / Buick crossover
"Come on Buick, light my fire", your eardrums
will rebel at this commercial mangling of
Ritchie Valens's La Bamba.
http://www.thebedshed.net/frameset.html
>> Up up and away in my beautiful balloon <<
Technique 2: Pick an instrumental version of
a famous tune with an apposite theme and your
listeners will hear the words in their head,
making their own connections. Matching
Jimmy Webb's Up Up and Away with a website
for lifts is a stroke of cheesy genius.
Other suggestions could be The Monkees' "I'm
a Believer" for the Pope's homepage, or
Queen's "We Will Rock You" for a small
Devonshire quarry.
http://www.liftservices.co.uk/
>> Fabo. It's like-a-the-best <<
Technique 3: Comedy foreigners. There's an odd
joy in hearing people emphatically sing
apparent nonsense. It's the final spoken line
that cracks us up here.
http://www.febo.nl/intro.html
>> 876 5309 - I've got Gem, Gem on the line <<
Technique 4: Sing your phone number, a
methodology invented by 80s sex chat-lines.
We wonder what kind of calls Gem gets from
lonely web users with this jingle stuck in
their heads.
http://www.gemplumbing.com/05contact/emergencies.a...
>> I love eggs <<
Technique 5: With insane enthusiasm for the
ordinary, "Ooh You Gotta Love the Incredible
Egg" takes the "I Love Horses"-patented methods
and, well, over-eggs the pudding. Wonderful.
http://www.aeb.org/
We are sorry if any of this crap gets stuck
in your head this afternoon. Imagine our hell,
listening to about 50 jingles to pick out
these five. Our brains are cheese.
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
This is the way the world ends
If asked, we'd probably like to pass away in
the comfort of our own beds, surrounded by
people who love us. Clearly we're not the
target audience for this exciting new product.
The Quantum Sleeper isn't just a bed: it's
fully enclosed and offers protection from guns,
bombs, natural disasters, chemical attacks.
It does, however, look rather unfortunately
like a coffin.
http://www.qsleeper.com/
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: GOOD AND BAD
Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad
>> GOOD: Rapist wins 7 million quid <<
If you could just give all rapists 7 mil it
would solve the problem of rape. Think of the
whores. Always think of the whores.
>> GOOD: Bloke chains to himself to BB contestant <<
Sounds like a brilliant idea for a SKY TV
show about how many bullshit news stories
you can generate in a week.
>> GOOD: No Friends spin-off for Channel 4 <<
Apparently, the bidding war for Friends
spin-off Joey has gone too high for C4.
Excellent news because the show is shit.
>> GOOD: 'Game virus' attacks mobile phones <<
The first destructive mobile phone virus is out
in the wild. But it only affects Symbian phones.
Ha ha. Symbian losers - Windows CE forever!
>> BAD: Nothing bad this week <<
Everything is good this week. Thank-you baby
Jesus. We love you.
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: MP3 OF THE WEEK
"Suck my Cock Keira-Knightley"
The back-story: Bloke writes a heart-felt song
about how much he'd like to have sex with
Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley.
Sadly, the poor man plays no instrument and
cannot sing. He needs a helpful web community
to perform his song and, thus, perhaps to make
his humble dream come true.
http://snipurl.com/8eyi
There are some good efforts, but this is
undeniably the best version. What makes for
greatness is the combination of smooth,
accomplished musicianship and lyrics that are,
frankly, retarded.
http://www.rokit88.com/audio/keira.mp3
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Mad map <<
It's a special type of madness that tries to
organise the entire history of US business
scandals into an A4-sized diagram. Obsessive
compulsive? Autism? We're not doctors but
that's not going to stop us throwing psychiatric
jargon about. We especially enjoy that diagrams
are normally used to communicate complex
information more effectively than words.
This diagram is a failure. But a joyous one.
http://www.threetwoone.org/diagrams/wallstreetscan...
>> Bum hole jewellery <<
We're always looking for new ways to ornament
our bodies at B3ta. We've done the cock rings,
and nipple tassels and frankly we're bored.
Our new thing is to stick jewel-encrusted
butt-plugs up our arse. Might not be for
everyone though, imagine the size of diamond you'd
need for Goatse - it'd be like the Koh-i-Noor.
Oh, and fifty quid on Janet Jackson sporting one
for the next Superbowl.
http://www.extremerestraints.com/stat/JS700.html
>> Bike protest art <<
We're always interested to hear about new and
strange ways of mucking with technology to
create art. These guys are protesting against
Bush and using phone-controlled bikes to paint
anti-Republican messages on American pavements.
Can't wait for it to reach the UK. We want to
circle London's M25 in a cascade of painty
penises. No reason. We just like cocks.
http://www.bikesagainstbush.com/
>> eBay marketing tricks <<
There's no secret in selling stuff to heterosexual
men: They're simple creatures. Just stick a sexy
lady on your product and half the world will
sit-up and listen. We love the low-rent approach
of applying this to eBay, i.e. getting a large
breasted girl to hold up the products for the
camera. Web marketing genius.
http://stores.ebay.com/BISHOP-LUCCIO
>> Tron guy does TV <<
Remember the Tron guy? He had his 15 minutes
of web fame by being a little over-weight and
dressing in a figure-hugging SciFi suit.
Telly people took note and are employing him
as a roving reporter - baiting Michael Moore
outside cinemas. Frankly we can't tell who
the joke is on. Probably everyone.
http://www.newsfly.org/news/f911_tron_guy.htm
>> Fried chicken-spotting <<
KFC sell protein to poor people, but the real
povos eat in KFC-a-like restaurants. You know,
the lettering will be the same colours as KFC
but the logo will be "Texan Fried Chicken" or
best of all, "Kent's Tuck Inn Fried Chicken."
This site is compiling photos of all the
variations. It's a chav treat.
http://badgas.co.uk/chicken/
>> Classic cat clip <<
Old but gold, there are some web clips that
never die. We first caught this video in '97
and watched it 10 times in a loop. Found it
again today and it's lost none of it's appeal.
If you've never seen it, this attack cat
is wondrous.
http://pzind.com/waw/pinkey.wmv
>> Realdoll vs. Superbabe <<
Realdolls are old hat on the web. But there's
a new pretender to the throne of "saddest
fuck-toy." Let us introduce you to the
Superbabe in a features face-off with the
classic Realdoll. Apparently the Superbabe
has a repositioned vagina which makes her
easier to fuck than a real lady. Result.
Evolution had better get its act together.
http://www.victorias-closet.com/RDvsSB/page3.html
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: IS IT REAL?
Don't write in - it's just for fun
One of the joys of the web is finding
preposterous things and trying to decide if
they really are for real. Here are some that
caught our attention this week. Maybe we
know the answers, but we're not talking.
>> Doggy poo film <<
A cute and heart-warming animated film where
the main character is a dog turd. Surely not.
Surely not. The McDonald's tie-in would
be a disaster.
http://snipurl.com/8eyf
>> Retro-encabulator ad <<
A corporate expert describes in the simplest
possible terms how his company's latest product
works. Should provide no problem to the
intelligent layman.
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/retro.wmv
>> Diary of a paedo <<
The web harbours a lot of dark little places.
This purports to be the online diary of a
Lima-based paedophile. Whatever it is, it's
disturbingly detailed and something for
the morbidly curious.
http://invisiblog.com/bf20dea617301d2a/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Fat bloke
Yeah yeah, he's been in all the newspapers
this week, but there couldn't be a better
exhibit for B3ta's human zoo than frighteningly
fat Patrick Deuel. Seems like a nice guy, looks
a bit like a Buffy baddie.
On a crash diet, he's lost 23 stone over the
past eight weeks. We think he should get a
Slimmer of the Year award for that, even if he
now chooses to stick at his current weight of
around 53 stone.
http://hf.chattablogs.com/archives/015558.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Ickle tiny baby hedgehog
Sponge Monkey writes, "We've been looking after
a little (or should that be 'ickle'?) hedgehog
that we found out of sorts in our garden
last week. We've called him 'Herbie'."
Awww. Look at him. Look at his
little hands:
http://www.stanleyunwin.com/photos/herbie.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Northern quiz, Teddy death & Moth bloke
>> Are you northern? <<
Ally_Baby is proud of his northern UK heritage
and has built a test so that you too can tell
if you're northern. "It was based on an
extremely large sample of eight friends,"
he brags "And I can conclusively say that
it is largely 64% correct." Are you ready
to face the awful truth about yourself?
http://www.thehob.co.uk/northerner.asp
>> Teddy death <<
Jues writes "There's something about jazz,
high-powered rifles and teddies that goes
so well together. TEDDIES MUST DIE!" We
can't find fault with that. Mainly because
we're too terrified to reply.
http://www.readyteddydeath.com/video/video03.php
>> Moth-man strikes <<
Dave Knightfever sent us a video with the
message "This is my (older) brother Alan, he's
a tard." It's a mighty work of man vs. moth.
Shit beginning, shit ending, but the middle
bit is excellent.
http://www.knightfever.net/flash/mothman.swf
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the "Superheroes' Day Off" Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to see what superheroes did
when they're not saving the world:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superherodayoff/
We asked B3ta boarder 'carowallis' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
carowallis writes -
#1 "RoboCop Goes Bird Watching - I got my
thesaurus out for this entry: Amazing,
Fantastic, Superb, Excellent, Outstanding,
Exceptional. I could go on but I have to
decide on three more. Congratulations Monkeon,
a well-deserved front page too - it's been a
good week for you! (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3580381
#2 "Party On September 11th 2001 - OK, so I'm
slightly biased because it's my birthday, but
this was truly ingenious and, again, it
definitely deserved the front page. Great work!
(Happy Shopper)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3581127
#3 "Batman and Late Night TV - Hurrah, this made
me laugh like an evil villain! It wins third
place because it's wonderfully executed and
the Wonder Woman poster is an inspired touch.
(Lemonhead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3574472
My special mention goes to 'Up Lois Lane'
Another competition, another hilarious post from
Beau Bo d'Or. Original, snappy, and everyone
loves a rude Superman joke! Need I say more?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3565043
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'Down on the Farm'
gave us the suggestion, "Alternative Funerals."
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternativefunerals/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SECRET CASH MACHINES - Chris writes, "About
6 years ago I worked for the MoD in their
main building in Whitehall. They have two
cash machines there, HSBC and Lloyds. I
had to sign the official secrets to use them
but at least I never had to queue." Hmm.
Surely telling us is a crime? And Treason a
capital offence? If anyone from the MoD wants
to get in touch we'll happily hand over Chris's
email address. As long as we can film the
execution for the next newsletter.
* CIRCLE LINE PARTY - "Thanks for putting the
Circle Line Party in", writes Your Mum, "It was
I who leaked it to B3ta last year. Expected
turnout: 100. Actual turnout: 500. Conversation
tended to start with:
'Where did you hear about this party?'
'Some website.'
'Does it involve pictures of cats?'
'Yes...'
Read more of how it all went and see a
few pictures:
http://www.spacehijackers.co.uk/html/projects/circ...
* BUKKAKE SONG IN MOVIE - Doghorse writes,
"Film producers have got in touch, and want
to use the song in a Japanese/US fantasy
sword-fest film coming out early next year."
Wicked. We expect front row seats at the
premiere for helping to make this happen.
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: GAME OF THE WEEK
Lightning pool
This is a very pleasing Flash game of pool,
with jazzed-up special effects. It's an
excellent rendition of the pub classic - like
being down the boozer with Odin. We only wish
that computers were as good at simulating beer.
http://snipurl.com/8eyd
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RESTAURANT ROULETTE - stick a dining partner's
knife up your arse. Watch them eat their
dinner. Tell them after they've finished.
See the fireworks explode.
* RESUME GAME - open your fave p2p app, and
search for resume or CV. Open a website
for the crappest ones so we can all have a
laugh.
* GIGANTIC JELLY SCULPTURES - make a mould
of the Twin Towers. Fill with
extraordinary amounts of jelly. Sellotape
a pair of wings to your arms and film
yourself running at the constructions
screaming "infidels must die".
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by kitallen, david/bpr,
andrew brandse, patrick/ls, robert bryce,
one_of_the_kombucha_mushroom_people,
em_is_for_music, kevin/jm, passthesickbucket,
jspearmint, rtf, gypsychk, spanishcatfish,
chancingmyarm, glantern954 & m.raeburn.
Top Tippery by Freddy Woo.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by b4ta's marching mariachis. (78017)
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TOP TIP: Prevent zips from sticking by rubbing
with the edge of a bar of soap.
