This Week: * LABS - Milkshake and meat * MUSIC - Worst Jingles Ever * ANIM - Fishy poo ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together" B3ta email 147 - 13 Aug 2004 Read this issue in your browser: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue147/ Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Meatshakes, Fishy poo and Sticky man >> Meatshakes tested << Last week we ran a story about milkshakes supposedly made of meat. Well, we were had good and proper. However, excitingly, B3ta boarder Feral was as enthused as us by the idea of meatshakes and volunteered to see if they would be as tasty in real life as they sounded on the web. Feral, you funny, funny man. http://feralweb.com/meatshakes.htm Turns out the original meatshake site was a promo for hip-hop band Ugly Duckling. Thanks to what seems like each and every one of our gentle readers for pointing out what big eejuts we are. This is the album the whole exercise was in aid of. If we liked hip-hop we expect we'd think it was brilliant. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00009IC1... >> Fishy poo << The power of web is a wondrous thing - makes a one man weep and another man sing. Joel is that other man and he's singing to us: A hymn to the pleasure of eating seafood and then excreting it from out of your bottom. http://www.rathergood.com/fishy/ >> Platform world << This was originally a little animation on the B3ta message board. Lots of little stickmen, jumping and climbing around. Someone has tiled it to make a gigantic image of an epic stickman world. It's pleasingly like something by MC Escher. http://j-walkblog.com/blog/docs/platform.htm ------------------------------------------------- : NOTES AND QUERIES Where's the ciggie message gone? HelllVamp writes in: "Wondering if anyone can tell me why they took Veni Vidi Vici off packs of Marlboro cigarettes - this has been pissing me off!" We don't have a clue. Anybody out there know the reason, other than Julius Caesar suddenly demanding royalties? Get in touch. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : CRAP JINGLES Named and shamed Last week we asked you to send in the websites with the worst jingles ever. Our inbox runneth over. Here's the top five worst web jingles in the world, in a small B3ta master-class of jingle writing. >> Come along to the Bed Shed << Technique 1: Take a popular song and alter the words to the name of your company. First popularised by The Doors / Buick crossover "Come on Buick, light my fire", your eardrums will rebel at this commercial mangling of Ritchie Valens's La Bamba. http://www.thebedshed.net/frameset.html >> Up up and away in my beautiful balloon << Technique 2: Pick an instrumental version of a famous tune with an apposite theme and your listeners will hear the words in their head, making their own connections. Matching Jimmy Webb's Up Up and Away with a website for lifts is a stroke of cheesy genius. Other suggestions could be The Monkees' "I'm a Believer" for the Pope's homepage, or Queen's "We Will Rock You" for a small Devonshire quarry. http://www.liftservices.co.uk/ >> Fabo. It's like-a-the-best << Technique 3: Comedy foreigners. There's an odd joy in hearing people emphatically sing apparent nonsense. It's the final spoken line that cracks us up here. http://www.febo.nl/intro.html >> 876 5309 - I've got Gem, Gem on the line << Technique 4: Sing your phone number, a methodology invented by 80s sex chat-lines. We wonder what kind of calls Gem gets from lonely web users with this jingle stuck in their heads. http://www.gemplumbing.com/05contact/emergencies.a... >> I love eggs << Technique 5: With insane enthusiasm for the ordinary, "Ooh You Gotta Love the Incredible Egg" takes the "I Love Horses"-patented methods and, well, over-eggs the pudding. Wonderful. http://www.aeb.org/ We are sorry if any of this crap gets stuck in your head this afternoon. Imagine our hell, listening to about 50 jingles to pick out these five. Our brains are cheese. ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE This is the way the world ends If asked, we'd probably like to pass away in the comfort of our own beds, surrounded by people who love us. Clearly we're not the target audience for this exciting new product. The Quantum Sleeper isn't just a bed: it's fully enclosed and offers protection from guns, bombs, natural disasters, chemical attacks. It does, however, look rather unfortunately like a coffin. http://www.qsleeper.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : GOOD AND BAD Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad >> GOOD: Rapist wins 7 million quid << If you could just give all rapists 7 mil it would solve the problem of rape. Think of the whores. Always think of the whores. >> GOOD: Bloke chains to himself to BB contestant << Sounds like a brilliant idea for a SKY TV show about how many bullshit news stories you can generate in a week. >> GOOD: No Friends spin-off for Channel 4 << Apparently, the bidding war for Friends spin-off Joey has gone too high for C4. Excellent news because the show is shit. >> GOOD: 'Game virus' attacks mobile phones << The first destructive mobile phone virus is out in the wild. But it only affects Symbian phones. Ha ha. Symbian losers - Windows CE forever! >> BAD: Nothing bad this week << Everything is good this week. Thank-you baby Jesus. We love you. ------------------------------------------------- : MP3 OF THE WEEK "Suck my Cock Keira-Knightley" The back-story: Bloke writes a heart-felt song about how much he'd like to have sex with Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley. Sadly, the poor man plays no instrument and cannot sing. He needs a helpful web community to perform his song and, thus, perhaps to make his humble dream come true. http://snipurl.com/8eyi There are some good efforts, but this is undeniably the best version. What makes for greatness is the combination of smooth, accomplished musicianship and lyrics that are, frankly, retarded. http://www.rokit88.com/audio/keira.mp3 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Mad map << It's a special type of madness that tries to organise the entire history of US business scandals into an A4-sized diagram. Obsessive compulsive? Autism? We're not doctors but that's not going to stop us throwing psychiatric jargon about. We especially enjoy that diagrams are normally used to communicate complex information more effectively than words. This diagram is a failure. But a joyous one. http://www.threetwoone.org/diagrams/wallstreetscan... >> Bum hole jewellery << We're always looking for new ways to ornament our bodies at B3ta. We've done the cock rings, and nipple tassels and frankly we're bored. Our new thing is to stick jewel-encrusted butt-plugs up our arse. Might not be for everyone though, imagine the size of diamond you'd need for Goatse - it'd be like the Koh-i-Noor. Oh, and fifty quid on Janet Jackson sporting one for the next Superbowl. http://www.extremerestraints.com/stat/JS700.html >> Bike protest art << We're always interested to hear about new and strange ways of mucking with technology to create art. These guys are protesting against Bush and using phone-controlled bikes to paint anti-Republican messages on American pavements. Can't wait for it to reach the UK. We want to circle London's M25 in a cascade of painty penises. No reason. We just like cocks. http://www.bikesagainstbush.com/ >> eBay marketing tricks << There's no secret in selling stuff to heterosexual men: They're simple creatures. Just stick a sexy lady on your product and half the world will sit-up and listen. We love the low-rent approach of applying this to eBay, i.e. getting a large breasted girl to hold up the products for the camera. Web marketing genius. http://stores.ebay.com/BISHOP-LUCCIO >> Tron guy does TV << Remember the Tron guy? He had his 15 minutes of web fame by being a little over-weight and dressing in a figure-hugging SciFi suit. Telly people took note and are employing him as a roving reporter - baiting Michael Moore outside cinemas. Frankly we can't tell who the joke is on. Probably everyone. http://www.newsfly.org/news/f911_tron_guy.htm >> Fried chicken-spotting << KFC sell protein to poor people, but the real povos eat in KFC-a-like restaurants. You know, the lettering will be the same colours as KFC but the logo will be "Texan Fried Chicken" or best of all, "Kent's Tuck Inn Fried Chicken." This site is compiling photos of all the variations. It's a chav treat. http://badgas.co.uk/chicken/ >> Classic cat clip << Old but gold, there are some web clips that never die. We first caught this video in '97 and watched it 10 times in a loop. Found it again today and it's lost none of it's appeal. If you've never seen it, this attack cat is wondrous. http://pzind.com/waw/pinkey.wmv >> Realdoll vs. Superbabe << Realdolls are old hat on the web. But there's a new pretender to the throne of "saddest fuck-toy." Let us introduce you to the Superbabe in a features face-off with the classic Realdoll. Apparently the Superbabe has a repositioned vagina which makes her easier to fuck than a real lady. Result. Evolution had better get its act together. http://www.victorias-closet.com/RDvsSB/page3.html ------------------------------------------------- : IS IT REAL? Don't write in - it's just for fun One of the joys of the web is finding preposterous things and trying to decide if they really are for real. Here are some that caught our attention this week. Maybe we know the answers, but we're not talking. >> Doggy poo film << A cute and heart-warming animated film where the main character is a dog turd. Surely not. Surely not. The McDonald's tie-in would be a disaster. http://snipurl.com/8eyf >> Retro-encabulator ad << A corporate expert describes in the simplest possible terms how his company's latest product works. Should provide no problem to the intelligent layman. http://media.ebaumsworld.com/retro.wmv >> Diary of a paedo << The web harbours a lot of dark little places. This purports to be the online diary of a Lima-based paedophile. Whatever it is, it's disturbingly detailed and something for the morbidly curious. http://invisiblog.com/bf20dea617301d2a/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Fat bloke Yeah yeah, he's been in all the newspapers this week, but there couldn't be a better exhibit for B3ta's human zoo than frighteningly fat Patrick Deuel. Seems like a nice guy, looks a bit like a Buffy baddie. On a crash diet, he's lost 23 stone over the past eight weeks. We think he should get a Slimmer of the Year award for that, even if he now chooses to stick at his current weight of around 53 stone. http://hf.chattablogs.com/archives/015558.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Ickle tiny baby hedgehog Sponge Monkey writes, "We've been looking after a little (or should that be 'ickle'?) hedgehog that we found out of sorts in our garden last week. We've called him 'Herbie'." Awww. Look at him. Look at his little hands: http://www.stanleyunwin.com/photos/herbie.jpg BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Northern quiz, Teddy death & Moth bloke >> Are you northern? << Ally_Baby is proud of his northern UK heritage and has built a test so that you too can tell if you're northern. "It was based on an extremely large sample of eight friends," he brags "And I can conclusively say that it is largely 64% correct." Are you ready to face the awful truth about yourself? http://www.thehob.co.uk/northerner.asp >> Teddy death << Jues writes "There's something about jazz, high-powered rifles and teddies that goes so well together. TEDDIES MUST DIE!" We can't find fault with that. Mainly because we're too terrified to reply. http://www.readyteddydeath.com/video/video03.php >> Moth-man strikes << Dave Knightfever sent us a video with the message "This is my (older) brother Alan, he's a tard." It's a mighty work of man vs. moth. Shit beginning, shit ending, but the middle bit is excellent. http://www.knightfever.net/flash/mothman.swf ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the "Superheroes' Day Off" Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to see what superheroes did when they're not saving the world: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superherodayoff/ We asked B3ta boarder 'carowallis' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. carowallis writes - #1 "RoboCop Goes Bird Watching - I got my thesaurus out for this entry: Amazing, Fantastic, Superb, Excellent, Outstanding, Exceptional. I could go on but I have to decide on three more. Congratulations Monkeon, a well-deserved front page too - it's been a good week for you! (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3580381 #2 "Party On September 11th 2001 - OK, so I'm slightly biased because it's my birthday, but this was truly ingenious and, again, it definitely deserved the front page. Great work! (Happy Shopper) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3581127 #3 "Batman and Late Night TV - Hurrah, this made me laugh like an evil villain! It wins third place because it's wonderfully executed and the Wonder Woman poster is an inspired touch. (Lemonhead) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3574472 My special mention goes to 'Up Lois Lane' Another competition, another hilarious post from Beau Bo d'Or. Original, snappy, and everyone loves a rude Superman joke! Need I say more? http://www.b3ta.com/board/3565043 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, B3ta contributor 'Down on the Farm' gave us the suggestion, "Alternative Funerals." http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternativefunerals/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SECRET CASH MACHINES - Chris writes, "About 6 years ago I worked for the MoD in their main building in Whitehall. They have two cash machines there, HSBC and Lloyds. I had to sign the official secrets to use them but at least I never had to queue." Hmm. Surely telling us is a crime? And Treason a capital offence? If anyone from the MoD wants to get in touch we'll happily hand over Chris's email address. As long as we can film the execution for the next newsletter. * CIRCLE LINE PARTY - "Thanks for putting the Circle Line Party in", writes Your Mum, "It was I who leaked it to B3ta last year. Expected turnout: 100. Actual turnout: 500. Conversation tended to start with: 'Where did you hear about this party?' 'Some website.' 'Does it involve pictures of cats?' 'Yes...' Read more of how it all went and see a few pictures: http://www.spacehijackers.co.uk/html/projects/circ... * BUKKAKE SONG IN MOVIE - Doghorse writes, "Film producers have got in touch, and want to use the song in a Japanese/US fantasy sword-fest film coming out early next year." Wicked. We expect front row seats at the premiere for helping to make this happen. ------------------------------------------------- : GAME OF THE WEEK Lightning pool This is a very pleasing Flash game of pool, with jazzed-up special effects. It's an excellent rendition of the pub classic - like being down the boozer with Odin. We only wish that computers were as good at simulating beer. http://snipurl.com/8eyd ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * RESTAURANT ROULETTE - stick a dining partner's knife up your arse. Watch them eat their dinner. Tell them after they've finished. See the fireworks explode. * RESUME GAME - open your fave p2p app, and search for resume or CV. Open a website for the crappest ones so we can all have a laugh. * GIGANTIC JELLY SCULPTURES - make a mould of the Twin Towers. Fill with extraordinary amounts of jelly. Sellotape a pair of wings to your arms and film yourself running at the constructions screaming "infidels must die". Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by kitallen, david/bpr, andrew brandse, patrick/ls, robert bryce, one_of_the_kombucha_mushroom_people, em_is_for_music, kevin/jm, passthesickbucket, jspearmint, rtf, gypsychk, spanishcatfish, chancingmyarm, glantern954 & m.raeburn. Top Tippery by Freddy Woo. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by b4ta's marching mariachis. (78017) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Prevent zips from sticking by rubbing with the edge of a bar of soap.