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This Week:
* VID - Melon Mishap 
* INTERVIEW - Dave 'Googlewhack' Gorman
* CALENDAR - Raunchy Royals


________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 158 - 12 Nov 2004

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  Melon, Spectrum, Morris dancing and Royals

  >> Watermelon head-butt <<
  "My mate had a housewarming party recently",
  boasts Tom Wyatt, "someone bought him a
  watermelon as a present. We smashed it.
  Via head-butting." Woo. We were mildly amused,
  until he smacked his head against the Breville
  causing piss to milk from our tit-eyes.

  >> UK nerds click here <<
  "I've been typing swear words into old Spectrum
  text adventures", boasts Monkeon (32, single),
  "just to see what happens." We'll tell you what
  happens Monkeon. Fuck all. 

  >> Rathergood nonsense <<
  Overseas readers might need some background
  to Morris dancers: every Friday these balloon
  wielding gits fill our streets with stick
  knocking bullshit. Joel captured them
  docu-style. It's like Cathy Come Home with
  bells on.

  >> Free content for tabloids <<
  Journos. Stuck for a picture story? Simply
  lift these photoshops of the Royal Family.
  Should fill a few pages. Oh, make sure
  you give no credit to the makers. As-per-usual.
  Ha! Ha! We won't either. Who's the cunt now?


  New DVD wooness
  Following on from the interview we ran with
  Dave Gorman a few years back, he got in touch
  and asked your ginger Fürher Rob Manuel to 
  make a pop video for his new DVD.

  Seemed like a fine opportunity to drill his
  nut for new information.

  B3TA: How did you get interested in

  DAVE: I was meant to be writing a novel and
  like most writers the first thing I do is
  everything else. I was suffering from a
  particularly bad case of writer's block and was
  primed for displacement activity of any kind.
  Then I got an e-mail from someone telling me
  that I was a googlewhack. I asked them what
  they meant and they explained what a
  googlewhack was and that there was one on my
  site. Naturally enough, it became the
  displacement activity of the moment. I'm sure
  if it hadn't come along something else would.
  It was more to do with my inability to write
  than anything else.

  B3TA: Any tips on combating procrastination?

  DAVE: I'll have to come back to you on that
  one. I've got a thing that needs a whatsit.

  B3TA: Going off and meeting people based on a
  search query is a bit nuts isn't it?

  DAVE: Yeah... I guess so. But I was having a
  bit of a breakdown so I guess I was going a
  bit nuts. The first few that I met were kind
  of accidental and made perfect sense. I look
  back on them and they still make perfect
  sense to me. But it did cross a line.

  B3TA: How does the DVD compare to the book?

  DAVE: The stageshow and the book feel very
  different to me ... they're different tellings
  of the same story. The stageshow is more
  condensed and has more punch, the book has a
  bit more introspection and explains a lot
  more. Oh... and you don't get Book Extras but
  you do get DVD Extras, including a song with
  a really cool video by a guy called Rob Manuel.

  B3TA: Which bit gets the biggest laugh?

  DAVE: Well if I told you that then people would
  know it was coming. And then it wouldn't get
  the biggest laugh from them when they watched
  it. But generally when things go really well
  for me the audience seems to like it... but
  when things go badly for me they seem to love

  B3TA: Stalkers. Tell us about your worst.

  DAVE: I've not had anything really bad. I've
  been aware on a couple of occasions that I've
  been followed as I walk home. I get a lot of
  e-mails and there are people who, because they
  get a reply, think you're their new best friend.
  One woman sent me an e-mail saying, "some
  friends and I are renting a cottage in Ireland
  for a week... my husband can't come so we
  thought you might like to take his place". She
  was terribly offended when I declined. A year
  later she was sending an e-mail to her entire
  address book slagging me off and declaring that
  I clearly had a problem relating to women.
  I've never even met this woman and she thinks
  I'm a weird misogynist for not going on holiday
  with her! I've had the odd proposal of marriage
  too. Very odd, as it happens.

  B3TA: Why did you ask me to make a video?

  DAVE: Short answer: because I think you're

  Long answer: A lot of the time DVD extras offer
  so called "behind the scenes" footage which just
  turns out to be some badly-shot video of you
  having a cup of tea in your kitchen. Not only
  does it seem pretty shonky to me but I can't
  live with the idea that people would think I'm
  so up myself that I think footage of me drinking
  tea is interesting. So I asked the DVD people
  if I could just put something that I like on as
  an extra, like a song from one of my favourite
  bands or something... that way I could introduce
  some of my audience to something new and besides,
  showing people something I really like tells
  them more about me than me drinking tea does.
  Their reaction was a confused: "...but it has to
  be about the Googlewhack Adventure". So I e-mailed
  one of my favourite bands; Helen Love and asked
  them if they'd fancy writing a song about the
  story. I wasn't really expecting them to say yes
  but I was pretty happy when they did.

  B3TA: And why should B3ta readers buy your DVD?

  DAVE: I think they're well-balanced enough to
  decide for themselves if they want to buy one
  without me demeaning myself with a whorish
  sales pitch.


  The world responds to another 4 years of Bush

  Unless you've been under a rock you'll know
  that Maggie has been voted back in, and Kinnock
  has been kicked to the floor. Links have been
  flooding in to B3ta Towers and here's three of
  our favourites.

  >> Pro-Kerry <<
  Pasty-faced losers have been sticking up their
  bitch-mugs on the web to apologise to the world,
  and guarantee they won't be beaten to death on
  their "let's do Europe" trips before getting
  jobs as attorneys to Microsoft.

  >> Pro-Bush <<
  Gun-totting, abortion-happy Christians have
  responded with HTML spite, as illustrated here.

  >> Oh shut up-ers <<
  All of this whilst the rest of the world
  thinks, "Sod it. We're stuck with it. Stop
  whinging you cunts." (Warning, NSFW)


  Obscure Memorabilia
  Last week we wanted you to tell us about the
  odd things you keep because of their history:

  Here are some of the highlights:
  #1 Sixteen Foot Penis
     "My mate owns the infamous fully operational
     hydraulic penis used by the Beastie Boys back 
     when they were really controversial. Its about
     16 foot long and he bought it for 1 quid ages
     ago. Sadly, he still can't afford to ship it
     over from America." (pb4ugo2bed)
  Anyone interested in helping pb4ugo2bed's mate
  import a 16' penis into the UK, contact us:

  #2 Unsigned Book
     "I saw Ted Hughes signing 'The Iron Man' at
     a children's book fair when I was about 11:

        Me:  Would you sign my book please?
        Ted: No.
        Me:  Why not?
        Ted: It's "Where's Wally?".

     Bastard. So I have a copy of Where's Wally?
     almost signed by someone who didn't write it."
  #3 Green Knobbly Plastic Lump
     "I've got a shorth length of green knobbly
     plastic. Looks crap, is crap. But it was the
     piece of Kryptonite Superman threw in the snow
     to build his ice cave in the first Superman
     movie...  Still looks like a crappy length
     of green plastic though." (Zaphod's Wombat)

  #4 A can of 'Wet Wet Wet' Lager.
     No Comment.
   Oh, and we liked 'born_sleepy's' contribution that
  "you know you're getting old when you're too slow
  to post your reply to the latest question of the
  week." We know the feeling.

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you 'starred' in the background of anything?
  Confess your movie antics here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Homo fuck-fest <<
  Following last week's homotopic auto-jizztastic
  demonstration, we bring you genius man-on-man
  gay-love. It's fantastic, bumtastic and if you
  don't like it, then you've probably got AIDS.
  Like us. We got a free Vauxhall Nova from the

  >> French webtard makes flash CV <<
  "This is the most eye-catching CV to ever land
  on my desk." shits Dr Cat9 M.D., "It quickly got
  distributed around our office. However, we won't
  hire they guy. He's French."

  >> Optical brain-mare <<
  We all like a nice dragon that follows your
  eye about the room. All well and good as you
  are lulled into a false sense of security by
  the Oliver Postgate-esq commentary, but wait
  for the brain shattering conclusion. We
  shivered with ocular fear at the final frames.

  >> Mawkish sentimental bollocks <<
  Mopsey was a kitten. And, like all kittens,
  he died. Check out this heart-rending tribute.
  You'll either giggle or be moved to tears. 

  >> £5000 p.a. for wanks <<
  Men only... For the love of Christ, unzip your
  member and chuck out a cup of jizz fot B3ta. 
  Wank for the server. B3ta needs you. Oh,
  and we'll get a better price for lady-eggs.

  >> Sleepee Japanesee <<
  They are crazy those Nipponese. Reinforce your
  stereotypes by imbibing these snaps of snoozing
  salary men and sleeping heroes of Edo. Gibber
  at their slack-jawed slouching and jelly-bodied

  >> Speaking search engine <<
  Bored? Pretend you're blind. After fumbling round 
  your cell to find your PC, try this speaky search
  engine. No idea if it's useful to the visually
  bereft, but we had a few giggles searching for porn.

  >> David Hasselhoff <<
  As punishment for the Second World War, the
  Americans foisted Hasselhoff on Nazi Germany.
  They are still paying.


  For your retarded cousin

  >> Star-Trek phone <<
  Regular readers will remember Nik Roope
  and his customised "Pokia" hand-sets.
  It's proved quite a hit, with stories from
  design mags to the New York Times. Sensing
  a craze, other geeky-design-cunts have riffled
  through their childhood past to come up with
  this nostalgic techno-clam.

  >> Pen sword <<
  Terrorists! Want to hold up a 747 and crash
  it into the a big fat target of people who
  don't want to die? Help is on hand with the
  pen-sword. It looks like a pen, but has all
  the qualities of a sword. Also good for
  exam suicides.


  Over-clocked toothbrush
  Fact: 95% of electric tooth brushes are used
  for anal masturbation. Manufacturers know this:
  It's the only way to sell dildos to straight

  Some men need more power. More stimulation.
  We salute these men. 


  Arctic foxes

  "I saw the cutest, fuzziest thing I've seen in
   a long, long, long time yesterday," enthuses
   tr1nity, "arctic foxes"

   "I was sitting in my school library yesterday
   reading a National Geographic and came across
   this. When I got home I hopped over to my PC
   and found the pics online, and had to tell

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Stuff we've watched this week

  Not much. We've been at work. Arses.

  >> Band-Aid doc <<
  Think Bob Geldof was the only man who
  made Band Aid happen? Think again, 80s
  pointy side-burned synth rocker
  Midge Ure was the quieter half of the
  team. This BBC3 documentary is full of
  great behind the scenes facts. For example:
  Sting was driven to the recording in a 
  Rolls, and had his driver park it round
  the corner so the tabloids saw him arrive
  on foot. A treat for pop culture obsessives.


  Results from Tramp Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted tramp traps.

  We asked brought Freddy Woo out of retirement
  to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Freddy Woo writes -

  #1 "Disney Bukkake - the lady WAS a tramp.
     She fucking loved it. (Beau Bo d'Or)

  #2 "Soup Wagon - carefully chosen application
     of bad technique, yes the Police are this
     stupid. (OhArse)

  #3 "Refuse and Waste - always happy to see
     puns redefining what language means."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  Channel 4 has contacted B3ta and
  asked us to ask you to "re-design the
  C4 logo to promote their 'alternative
  Christmas.'"  They have dug
  out a bunch of DVD box sets of some
  cult comedies for the winning entries,
  and best designs will appear on the
  C4 website.



  Are people who ride unicycles a bunch of
  cunts? Yes.

  Circus skills are for tramps and dole slags.

  If you work in new media you'll be needing
  such skills soon.
  Thanks to Gfxmonk for this - we found it
  bloody impossible to play but it made us laugh.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    nose to spite your face, shoot your self
    in the foot or even teach your grandmother
    to suck eggs.

  * CELEBRITY SPUNK SANDWICH - get a job in 
    Pret near the Radio 1 office. Put the more
    into 'More than Mozzarella.'

  * GOOD DEEDS - wank off a mong. Or someone

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by a shadowy organisation
  of criminals who operate... above the law,
  and notimetosayit, rio3001, flurble,
  louisenel, LFFleetwood, amplitude,
  breebltrn1, philip.day, nicoleforster76,
  cheese1017 & stokedkid.
  Top Tippery by shaz norbert.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  QOTW by Mike Trinder.
  Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
  Proofing by the burnt-up b4ta bread-blokes.


  If you're being chased by a police dog, try
  not to go through a tunnel, then on to a
  little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
  fire. They're trained for that.

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