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This Week:
* COMMUNICATIONS - Secret Swearing Techniques
* EXPERIMENT - Beer, Not Water
* STORIES - "I Was An Accidental Movie Star"

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 159 - 19 Nov 2004

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  Communication, Swearing, Beer and Hoes

  >> Passive-aggressive communication skills <<
  Everybody's had a stupid boss, one who sends
  you clueless and insulting communications.
  You have to swallow your instinctive harsh
  response just because they can hire and fire
  you. Zefrank gives us the secret technique
  of how speak your mind without other
  people realising.

  >> For ‘Water’ read ‘Beer’ <<
  This is the kind of scientific experiment we
  like to see. Keefybabe decided to see what
  life would be like using beer, where, ordinarily,
  he’d use water. Somewhat stickier and potentially
  toxic you might think. Read on… 

  >> Sweary fingers gallery <<
  New_Matt writes, “I've been collecting pictures
  of people doing sweary fingers. I can't remember
  why I started now, but it's kept me out of
  trouble." Take a look. Maybe you'll see someone
  you know telling you to fuck yourself.


: Sex Tips for B3tards
  Masturbatory toys that try too hard
  This gadget has got every sexual characteristic
  a man could possibly want for a 'quiet evening
  in'. But the way it’s all arranged, it resembles
  the face of a pink fly with a wispy moustache
  and a porkpie hat. All the more erotic for us
  that way, of course.


  Movie Stars
  We asked you about the films and TV that you've
  been in the background of:

  Whilst quite a lot of you have been paid extras
  in things, we liked the people who've blundered
  into things the best:
  #1 Team America: World Police
     "In Paris for my 40th, my beloved spent a lot
     of the time photographing buildings for a
     client making a 'marionette film'. I tagged
     along and, for fun, posed unobtrusively in
     many of her photos. Sure enough, you can make
     out me (very small) standing in the background
     of quite a few scenes. (serenissima)
  #2 They always return to the scene
     "As a student journalist, a dead body found on
     our campus was a hot news story. Unwilling to
     give any information beyond the press statement, 
     two cops ended up talking and joking with me,
     such that I missed the solitary news cameraman
     filming us. That night's news showed myself,
     attired entirely in black, unshaven and laughing
     maniacally at the site of a suspicious death,
     flanked by two burly police officers. For the
     next two hours I received phone calls asking
     if I was in jail." (weirzbowski)
  #3 Leading the Big Parade
     "We took a wrong turn through some police
     barriers onto a street closed for a Royal
     Horse Parade or some such nonsense. Once in,
     we couldn't get out. The whole televised
     procession featuring Princess Margaret was
     therefore lead by two idiots in a crappy blue
     Vauxhall Nova. We waved. Sheer bliss." (PCheese)

  Kudos to e.o.t.m.c.'s mate who stopped to watch some
  guys running down stairs and then jumping on a car
  whilst walking to work. He's now immortalised as a
  blurry bloke in a long dark coat in the opening
  sequence of Trainspotting.

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Had any spooky premonitions recently? Tell us here
  so we can nip down the betting shop:


: Funny Name Corner Returns
  Will it ever stop? We don't know
  >> Pen Island <<
  You’re setting up a website, you’ll be selling
  pens. Do you give any thought to what might be
  a bad name for your company? Not these guys.


  Games industry not dull shock

  >> Puppies <<
  Pocket gamers are eagerly awaiting the Nintendo
  Gameboy DS, with its dual screen and PDA stylus
  interface. But you can't shift hardware without
  software, the original Gameboy sold because people
  NEEDED to play Tetris. Maybe this puppy-rearing
  game will be the killer app Nintendo needs. It
  certainly looks both cute and innovative, with 
  its "use the stylus to pet the puppies" gimmick.
  We can't wait to play it.

  >> Chainsaws <<
  Things aren't looking so focused in the Gamecube
  camp with this chainsaw-styled controller for
  Resident Evil. Let's emphasise that, it's a
  fucking chainsaw covered in blood! Remember,
  Nintendo have always prided themselves in making
  family games that Quakers can sell in Walmart.
  Hmm. Does look cool though.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Interactive barmaid <<
  First there was the Subservient Chicken: a
  marketing scheme featuring a bloke in a chicken
  suit who obeys your every command. It was only
  a matter of time before somebody took the genius
  step of replacing man-chicken with pretty girl.
  Works for us.

  >> Status Quo tour bus game <<
  We've all heard the stories; salacious tales of
  how the Gods of Rock disport themselves during the
  long weeks on the road. Now Rick Parfitt has
  released a game that allows you to recreate those
  times in your own home. You have to come up with
  a celebrity whose initials match the letters printed
  on the cards. We presume the cocaine and groupies
  come in an expansion set. 

  >> Electrician status gadget <<
  This is what happens when electricians get
  together and want to know who's the daddy.
  They stick a metal thing into the mains to
  see who can 'take the most current'. There are
  handy instructions so you can try this at home.
  But, er, please don't try this at home. Unless
  you film it, of course.

  >> How Computers Work <<
  We were misting up, going through the scanned-in
  pages of this 70s children's book. Great, old
  school graphic design, plus huge, chunky
  computers with punch cards - just lovely.
  There are two versions of the book and we
  couldn't help noticing that lady programmers
  in the illustrations were more glamourous in
  1971 than in 1979. Wonder why.

  >> Dead cat float <<
  Mr Marbles is a film prop: a dead cat, floating
  in a swimming pool. We feel bad saying this, but
  the look on his face made us laugh. He seems
  surprised, yet pleased.

  >> Hamster porn <<
  Picture after picture of hamsters fucking. It's
  cute, in a peculiar way. 


  Three of the best

  There’s always a lot of competition for this
  spot in the newsletter. This week we're giving
  you the best three and you can choose your
  own favourite.

  Cute kitty, tucked up in bed with teddy.

  Big pile of sleepy baby bunnies.

  A B3ta first; tapir mother and child. Magical.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Media we've consumed this week

  >> Desperate Housewives <<
  Okay, so it's probably America's most popular
  show of the year, but that's no reason why it
  isn't good. We were mislead into watching it
  by the title, but couldn't help being impressed.
  It's like Sex & the City, but married with kids
  in the suburbs. Oh, and starring Teri Hatcher.

  >> Sealab 2021 <<
  The original Sealab 2020 was a cheaply-produced
  70s cartoon about a hi-tech undersea research
  station. This show uses the original animated
  footage to comedic effect, set one year later,
  when the crew have become bored to a state of
  utter idiocy. We only hope someone does similar
  to Trumpton. 


  Little goths

  Josh, Jessica and Anton dress in black, wear
  eyeliner and make-up, listen to Marilyn Manson.
  In short, they are goths. They're also 12 years
  old and living in Norfolk.
  There's something rather endearing about normal,
  well-adjusted kids trying so hard to seem like
  tormented misfits. Aww. Bless 'em.


  Results from C4 Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills.  Last week we teamed up with
  Channel 4 to make new logos for an alternative

  We've got four winners for you, two selected
  by them, two selected by us.

  Channel 4  writes -
  #1 "A great bit of animation - simple, clean,
  quirky and cute. Nice work." (just4fun)

  #2 "Fantastic. This caught the eye of loads of
  people here. London looks great under snow,
  and way the logo stands out is really effective."

  B3ta Judge Mike Trinder writes -
  #1 "Summing up what we all feel deep down
   when the subject of family Christmases
   comes up. (Manic)

  #2 "Well, the BBC aren't using the logo anymore,
  so it's up for grabs, right? (badhorsey)

  Channel 4 added, "The quality of the entries this
  week has been fantastic, it took us ages to select
  our shortlist. We picked runners up too but as there
  are quite a few we'll let them know by email."


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BUKKAKE KARAOKE - We were very amused to see
  someone performing the Bukkake Song on an
  internet TV channel. What we like best is you
  can see a little pixelly version of the original
  video in the background.

  * BELGIAN INTERVIEW – Rob is big with the
  Francophones and Belgian magazine Victor has
  interviewed him. If you don’t speak French
  it’s still worth a look for the stunning
  photography of Lionel Samain, showing Rob in
  all his ginger beauty.

  * SPONGMONKEY COSTUMES - The Joel Veitch frenzy
  continues to rage in the States. These furry
  costumes inspired by his animations are 
  flipping great.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MESSIAH TOASTIE MAKER – We’ve all seen that
  Virgin Mary toast eBay auction. But, Mr Breville,
  what about a device that makes every slice a mini
  Turin Shroud. Mmm. Sacrilicious.

  mugs. So we can make a fortune selling broken
  gifs that turn into happy faces when the mug is
  filled with hot coffee.

  * PARROTS AND CARROTS - write a children's book
  about a nasty man called Uncle Duncan who eats
  parrots and carrots for every meal.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Loook.d, Luke Deardenboys,
  donkeysunday, chickswithducks, iwhackmyselfoff,
  probablysomesoddomy, beanflickr, raj fudge,
  frankiegoestolittlewoods, gingermeat,
  youareatagnut, youteris and verjineh and a cast
  of thousands. If we missed you out, then check
  next week's newsletter. We'll thank you then.
  Top Tippery by Freddy Woo.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
  Proofing by the cadaverous b4ta cads. (74902)


  If you have a foal that won't suckle, try
  tickling its anus with your finger. Apparently,
  this stimulates the suckling instinct in horses.
  But not deers - it makes them shit.

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