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This Week:
* VID - Inflatable Glove Balloons
* GEEK - AOL CD Throne
* PORN - Sexy toe mystery

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 160 - 26 Nov 2004

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  Hats, Magnets, Fuzz

  >> Silly Hat Man Inflates Rubber Gloves <<
  "I've been playing around with rubber gloves 
  this week," writes Davideo. And wearing a
  ridiculous hat too, by the looks of things.

  >> Fridge Magnet Messenger <<
  Fakker spelt out very slowly on his fridge
  "I've made this fridge magnet message thing
  with magneticky goodness." Some of the already
  stored messages sum up our feelings exactly.

  >> Fuzz Magazine <<
  Rhodri writes "The Home Office are producing
  a tabloid-style 'lifestyle' magazine for the
  police force. I've saved them the effort and
  produced the front-cover myself."


  Council of Doon

  The councillors of the Western Isles were never
  going to rank as world-class beauties. But this 
  page surely proves that in-breeding is alive
  and well.

  There's something rather horrifying about moving
  your mouse really quickly over the map as their 
  hideous twisted faces grin back. Our favourite's
  Donald Macdonald from Harris East.


  Spooky Premonitions

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted to know if you'd had any
  premonitions of the future:

  #1 Stuffed Toy Ensures Clean Undies
     "When I was 5 I had a stuffed gorilla
     named Dan who once told me that I should
     take an overnight bag with me when we went
     shopping. My mum thought I was very odd
     clutching my bright green Ninja Turtles
     backpack full of clothes on the advice of
     my cotton-filled, banana-wielding friend,
     but when we got stuck after an oil spill
     closed the road home, I was the only one
     with clean underwear." (sophie the dyking)

  #2 Snuff-It Stakes
     "We use to run an office tote-betting thingy
     on who would die next. The trick was to nominate
     someone completely unexpected to die, so you
     don't have to share the pot with other
     co-nominees. I remember the same girl
     accurately predicted the deaths of Princess Di,
     Jill Dando and Douglas Adams. Maybe she had
     them bumped off so that she'd win our office
     sweepstake. Who knows?" (Ptolemy)

  #3 Tamagotcha
     "My friend's Tamagotchi died mere hours, nay,
     minutes before the news of Princess Diana's
     death was announced. Coincidence? I think
     not." (scoob666)

  Also, we'd like to point out that the only
  reason the image challenge results are in
  this week's newsletter is because Rob appeared
  in a dream to Pep and made her get up. Honest.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  To be honest, it's amazing some of us are still
  alive. Share your near-death experiences here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Sexy Toe Mystery <<
  Fancy yourself as some sort of perverted
  Sherlock Holmes? Apparently this pretty
  porn-lady has only got two toes on her
  right foot. A bout of 'detective work' on
  Google Images is definitely in order.
  Warning: Not safe for work.

  >> Replica Eight-Year-Olds <<
  Parents: Worried your child will be abducted? Get
  them to lug around this life-sized model to use
  as a decoy. That's the only market we can think
  of for this travesty of the doll-maker's art.
  That, or some sort of RealDoll for paedos.

  >> Kids Draw Entrails << 
  Have you ever wondered what serial killers were
  like at school? We suspect their artwork might
  look a lot like this. Say hello to a classroom
  of junior Huntleys, Shipmans, and Wests.  

  >> Kill Your Boss <<
  Unleash your repressed rage against your boss.
  This animated toy lets you kill him with any
  object to hand. Our preferred weapon? The
  stapler. We like the visceral attention to

  >> Punk Synthesizer <<
  If any further proof were needed that punk
  is dead it's this: a quirky keyboard-based
  synthesizer that lets you play at being
  Sid Vicious. We had fun making it belch
  and swear. We also applaud that it allows you
  to choose between qwerty and azerty layouts
  so it's truly international. And isn't that
  what punk is all about anyway?

  >> Build A Better Bush <<
  It's not often we'll run anything featuring
  George W. Bush. We're denying him the oxygen
  of publicity. But we very much enjoyed this
  page's ability to customise his facial
  features. We like him with highlights,
  designer stubble and a big grin. Very cool.
  Like a latter-day Don Johnson.

  >> Badly Drawn Boys <<
  One man's obsession with footballers goes
  way, way, way beyond his ability to actually
  draw. We liked the portrait of Gianfranco Zola
  the best. He's got a little deformed hand, just
  like Anthony Head or Jeremy Beadle.

  >> A-Team Robots <<
  It's the cult 80s TV show in robotic form. 
  Apparently this is someone's degree project - 
  had we known that A-Team Robotics Studies was a 
  valid course, we may have made different 
  choices all those years ago.


  Twice the links. Double the cute.

  We're on an international hunt to find the
  cutest stuff in the world. Here's the
  research so far.

  >> Curious Owl With Furry Legs <<
  It's the expression that does it: startled
  and curious, our black hearts melt.

  >> Baby Badger <<
  Don't tell Weebl, but the only thing cuter
  than an adult badger is a infant badger.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  AOL CD throne

  Normal people use them as coasters or play 
  rudimentary frisbee games with them. AOL CDs are
  a plentiful resource that can be used for many 
  things. This man spent months of his life
  building them into a throne.

  Stupidco writes "This thing has been sitting in 
  my bedroom for a year. It's one of the most 
  uncomfortable chairs you'll ever sit on, and if 
  it isn't strange enough to earn a link in the 
  newsletter, I don't know what is." Oh, we know 
  alright: you are.


  Results from the 'Not Safe For Work' Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us things 
  that were dangerous in the workplace:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Beau Bo D'Or' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves, written
  in the style of pompous wind-bag Kevin McCloud:

  #1 Joanne does the shredding
     "I can't pretend not to be captivated by
     the stark yet anti-aliased edge trademark
     style which screams the name 'Mushybees.'
     The colour black is almost warm to the touch
     in this context, the green tinged greys
     reflecting the mundane, almost clinical
     nature of 21st century automated office
     work." (Mushybees)

  #2 Hard Hat
     "A postmodernist take on a classic icon of
     the blue collar workplace? The 'helmet' of
     the construction worker from The Village
     People literally attracting attention? I
     shall be brave and venture that, although
     there may indeed be a subtext open to
     various interpretations, this actually
     represents an hilarious 'accident' waiting
     to happen on any building site."
     (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)

  #3 Mined Keyboard
     "This keyboard and its delicate lighting
     lulls the user and indeed viewer into an
     almost goose-down-soft false sense of
     security. And yet, lurking in the shadows,
     one spies a land mine silently waiting for
     the next four-letter swearword or, dare I
     say,  misspelled, tired old fashion brand."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, B3ta contributor 'Mr Bojangles' gave
  us the suggestion "Messing with history."


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BIRMINGHAM deemed grossly inappropriate -
    Pristine B3ta person 'Hazzard' has managed
    to get sacked for watching the B-B-B-B-BIRMINGHAM
    animation at work. "I was apparently being,
    and I quote, 'Grossly inappropriate'," he
    splutters, "Maybe if their PCs had sound they
    would have seen the funny side."

  * SWEARY FINGERS confuses simple American - 
    Morgan writes: "Yes, I'm an American. I suck.
    But, in the 'Sweary Fingers Gallery', half of
    the people are doing the 'V for Victory' finger
    gesture. Is this also a swear in the UK? Being
    such backwards retards, we only have the
    single-finger salute." Do you want to tell
    him, or shall we?

  * MANTLEPIES TV GIG - "We're doing some stuff
    for the Beeb at the moment. Armando
    Iannucci contacted us and asked us to do
    some sketch ideas for his end of year show.
    Hopefully we'll have something on the telly
    soon," writes Mr. Wellington, of the rather
    marvellous www.mantlepies.com website. 


  Lobster Challenge

  Can you get the confused lobsters to their
  homes without them falling into the fiery
  pits of oblivion? Of course, it all depends
  on how much you care about lobsters, but this
  Japanese game will drive you mad.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PEPPERAMI ORIGAMI - make a poodle out of a 
  shrivelled meat snack.

  * SWEENEY COD - write and star in a musical 
  about a murderous hair-cutting fish.

  * SANTA BANTER - wire up your local department
  store santa with a mic. We want to know what
  the greedy little sods are asking for this year.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by David Stevenson,
  Mike Trinder, Rob Manuel and the b4ta-wikis.
  Links sent in by Keith David, tomsk, Robert
  Tinsley, Jakartass, Alistair Peck, Sonicboo,
  Badger Bob, nsmith, Bob Jamieson, Martyn Rose
  Top Tippery by Lucy Reese.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
  Proofing by the sinister b4ta ministers.


  PC filled with adware and viruses? No idea how
  to rescue it from malware-doom? Don't bother
  with all that Ad-Aware and Spybot crap, just
  pour a cup of tea in it and do an insurance job.

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