NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 163: "A BIG GLITTERY POO"
This Week:
* PRESENTS - Buy B3ta stuff for Xmas
* HUMAN ZOO - Leg nipple vs Dragon cock
* GAMEBOY DS - We've got our hands on one
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 163 - 17 Dec 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue163/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: HUMAN ZOO
Leg nipple vs dragon cock
>> Leg nipple <<
You've all seen mice growing human ears - here's
a leg that grew a nipple. Scott of Jacksonville,
Florida was horribly burned in a trailer park fire
when he was 15. Doctors used skin from his chest
on his badly damaged legs - which then grew a
nipple. So he pierced it. Next week Scott grows
a cock on his elbow.
http://snipurl.com/bfrb
>> Tattooed dragon penis <<
If we had the cash and weren't such big
jessies, we'd have our manhoods decorated with
ferocious tattoos, much like this brave fellow,
whose tool is adorned with a scary dragon
called Puff. Nothing impresses the ladies like
whipping out a mythological beast. NSFW.
http://www.trutje.nl/images/shitsies/dragon.jpg
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Blunkett game, Gift guide, Stickmen & Foil hats
>> David Blunkett game <<
This week the British media has been totally
obsessed with the resignation of visually
impaired politician David Blunkett. He'd been
shagging like a beast and it all turned nasty.
Oh well. B3ta boarder Tedious decided to
mark the end of an era with a great new game.
He says: "I think I might be going to hell."
http://www.thomasscott.net/flash/blunkett/
>> B3ta Christmas gifts <<
If you've not got Aunty Joan a present yet,
B3ta is here to help. Flick through our festive
guide to the best things to give your loved
ones. Or yourself. All made by the talented
lovelies of the B3ta. We're like QVC with badly
drawn cocks.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/giftguide/
>> Ambitious Stickman vid <<
"I've done a few animations but decided to try
something more elaborate," types Durbster. "I
came up with this animated art heist. I am very
happy with it." Clever and arty rather than laugh
out loud funny.
http://www.durber.com/kev/animation/thejob.html
>> Tinfoil Hat anim <<
"I've made an new animation", babbles Eclectech,
"with Miss Prism and Doghorse." Woo. Stick with
it, the introduction is a bit flabby but the rest
is worth waiting for.
http://eclectech.co.uk/mindcontrol.php
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: B3TA CALENDAR
Stick us on your wall
What better way to brighten up your wall next
year than with the B3ta calendar? Featuring an
image every month from B3ta's top photoshop
gurus. We've hand-picked the best thirteen and
now they're immortalised in print. We think it's
worth every penny.
http://www.cafepress.com/b3tacalendar.15160559
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: Weebl DVD Competition
Winners announced
Last week we gave you the chance to win a
signed copy of Weebl's spanky new DVD. We
asked you to complete the phrase "I'd like to
bum Jonti because..."
And the lucky winners are:
"...I'm dying of AIDS, and I'm taking him
with me." (naked_jamie)
"...one day he'll be famous and I'll be able
to sell my nob on ebay." (sjb_1973)
If you didn't win, then you can still buy
the DVD via our gift guide.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/giftguide/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Childhood bad taste remembered
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wondered just how bad your
childhood taste could be:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/
The answer? Awful. And you sent us pictures
to prove it too. Really. Check the photos.
* The Permed Mullet
"I owned, and proudly wore, pastel yellow
and pastel blue cardigans. Just after the
grey pleated trousers, burgundy tanktop
and white grandad shirt phase." (darfbozo)
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19544/
* The 80s Batwing Jacket
"This was my favourite jacket for a good deal
of the 80s. What you can't see are the
impressive 'batwing' arms."
Nice pout too... (Beardo)
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19611/
* The King of Haircuts
From bowl to half-inch thick parting to
"who's that girl?" (MrC - king of lurkage)
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19788/
Also worth checking out is Igneous's year by
year breakdown of fashion mistakes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19846/
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us just how Scrooge-like
your bosses become with the office Christmas
party. Tell us how much you've always fancied
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/officeparties/
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: GAMEBOY DS
Our favourite new toy
Craig from GBAX sent us a lovely Christmas
gift - a brand new Gameboy DS, direct from
Japan. We've been playing with it all week and
reckon:
* It's fucking huge. Goodbye elegance of the
SP.
* Dual screen is more than a novelty. As an
interface it rocks bells.
* Goodbye 2D gaming. This device is the
equivalent of N64 vs SNES.
* The wireless stuff will get interesting once
some clever monkey hacks it and allows it to
connect to your home PC and download ROMs.
If this is your bag, then get your UK orders in
by the end of Friday and Craig will sort you
out with one for Xmas.
http://www.gbax.com/new/ds.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Other stuff that rocks our world
>> Teddy bear guys <<
Steven and Shane are The Bear Guys, a pair of
sinister-looking gentlemen in brightly-coloured
knitwear who make teddy bears for a living. Go
on, look at the funny gays.
http://thebearguys.com/aboutus.htm
>> Piercing for speccy twats <<
James Sooy has a solution to a problem that has
baffled the four-eyed since the beginning of
time - how to stop your glasses from sliding
down the bridge of your nose. It's easy. Simply
bolt them in place and turn your disability
into extreme body-art.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20041214.html
>> USB eye massager <<
The Chinese are the most advanced race on
Earth, technologically speaking. Evidence of
this can be found at a site selling USB-powered
eye relief for stressed geeks. Available in
four colours. We hear it's very popular with
lesbians.
http://snipurl.com/bfjy
>> Sex tourist holiday snaps <<
We like Winston a lot. His photo journal
lovingly documents every moment of a six-month
odyssey through Russia and Latvia in search of
pretty Soviet ladies. It's worth reading every
word, but the impatient may wish to skip to
page 130, where he finally gets lucky.
http://snipurl.com/bfeq
>> "Piss monkeys! We've uploaded babble" <<
Traditionally designers use a passage of dummy
Latin in the place of real text when they're
setting up new webpages. Portsmouth University
use something altogether more entertaining.
http://www.port.ac.uk/research/humanitiesgroup/
>> Text-to-speech lady <<
Text-to-speech converters are an Internet
favourite, and this modern version works well
by using a foxy-looking animated lady. Try the
male voice option for extra oddness, or insert
dirty talk to use the service as an exciting
masturbatory aid.
http://snipurl.com/bfly
>> Russian tape archive <<
Forget Ogg Vorbis, cassette tapes are the
format of the future, and this Russian site is
its iTunes. Exhaustingly, obsessively
comprehensive, it archives all your blank
analogue favourites, including seminal
historical artifacts from BASF and Memorex.
http://c-90.nm.ru/index.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
It's a bit of cute alright
We've had our spies out scouring the globe's
five corners for the babiest cuddly things.
Just for you.
>> Baby Elephant <<
B3ta reader mattfinder is in Thailand and has
been off visiting a home for sick and orphaned
elephants. He dashed to a computer to send us
word of two new arrivals.
http://www.changthai.com/update/view.php
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: KILL YOURSELVES NOW
It's funny names corner
Stuart Green has been in contact to tell us
about his former life working in the grim
gravel pits of Northern England. "I used to
have to call up and order building materials
- sand, gravel and the like - direct from
quarries," he grunts.
"I still pity the poor woman who had to
answer the phone and announce 'Hello,
Scunthorpe Slag'."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Afterlife Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted to see what really happens
when you die.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/afterlife/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Ralphy writes -
#1 "Reincarnation, of course - I have always
wondered what Uncle Albert would look like if
he were reincarnated as a rabbit. The result
was more pleasing than I could have possibly
hoped for. (manwithunderpantsonhead)
http://b3ta.com/board/4042940
#2 "I regret nothing! - We all know we are going
to be processed back into food when we die,
but I hope my meat deserves more than the
tesco blue label. (Manic)
http://b3ta.com/board/4041015
#3 "Ping! - The nonchalant look on God's face
as he flicks the poor little parson across the
table is just perfect!" (Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/4040022
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator wants some
"Greetings Cards for Any Occasion"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/greetingscards/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NAME THAT TUNE goes from strength to
strength. Since we featured Chthonic and
Rob's new game last week, it's been featured
on just about every blog ever and has notched
up more than 2,000,000 pages. See if you can
come up with an artist no-one else has thought
of.
http://www.chthonicionic.net/whatsthatsong/
* CHEWIT POO has been difficult to track down
but B3ta contributor pussyferrari offers up a
tale for the scatologically inclined.
"My friend worked as a dancer at the Raymond
Revue Bar," he tells us. "After a week there,
she was talking to the other dancers about
the glitter lipstick they wore all evening.
Because they eat and drink between shows, the
glitter ends up getting into their systems.
The next day my friend was very pleased and
proud to produce her first glitter poo."
Very festive.
* MJ "HEY HEY 16K" HIBBETT has been invited to
the HQ of big radio station BBC 6 Music to
join in with Steve Lamacq's Sunday show. He'll
be singing a special Christmas song along
with a choir. How lovely.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Mouse co-ordination challenge
This one's simple. Just move the red dot
around the screen and pick up the black dots
on your way. Don't touch the sides though.
We've been playing it for hours now and feel
slightly queasy.
http://www.andkon.com/arcade/obstacles/dr3i/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HUMAN TAXIDERMY - a freshly stuffed granny
or uncle. Lots of people die at Christmas
so take advantage.
* FANTASTIC AUTISTICS - stories and photographs
of your geeky friends and family.
* AMATEUR SELF IMMOLATION - go out in style.
Just make sure you film it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel, David
Stevenson and Lucy Reese.
Written by team b4ta wiki.
Links sent in by you lot.
Top Tippery by badhorsey
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the bearded b4ta elves. (76012)
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TOP TIP:
Need to clean a carpet in a hurry? Hoover not
up to the job? Get a large-format newspaper
like the Guardian and a can of display mount
adhesive.
Spray one side of one page, and put it
sticky-side down on the carpet. Apply pressure
and then lift - it'll take away most of the
dust, hair and nastiness with it. One paper can
clean an average-sized carpet in about ten
minutes. But will likely give you cancer from the
fumes.
