NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 164: "EDIBLE FREAKS"
This Week:
* ANIM - U2 misheard lyrics
* VID - Explosives in Canada
* GAME - Twang Your Dog
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 164 - 7 Jan 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue164/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
U2, Explosives and Guessing Machines
>> Misheard lyrics are back <<
"I've filled my ears with cotton wool", bellows
Rob Manuel, "and I could swear I hear U2 singing
about my favourite English city." You're right,
Rob, it's true. We're never going to hear this
song the same way again.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/01/u2-vertigo.h...
>> Explosive fun <<
It's dull in Canada. That's the only
conclusion we can draw from this little
escapade. Jonny C writes, "We bought two
cans of butane and wanted to make them
explode. So, basically, we threw them into
a fire." Yep. That would work.
http://members.shaw.ca/indifferentmedia/files/Buta...
>> TV character guessing machine <<
"The computer asks you a series of questions,"
burbles Elliott "and tries to guess which film
or TV character you are pretending to be." Fun
to play around with for a while and it learns
as it goes, so it's harder and harder to stump.
http://guess.priceshout.com/
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: SHIT IN MY EYE
...it's Funny Names Corner
We try to kill it, but it keeps coming back.
He's a teacher, which makes an funny name better.
Say hello to Mr. Ural. Or, as it's written in the
teacher phonebook: Ural, Gaye.
http://www.teacherreview.com/professors.asp
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: GEEKS OF THE WEEK
>> Monumental Houses of Cards <<
These architectural landmarks made out of
painstakingly layered playing cards will take
your breath away. We wish we had that kind of
hand-eye co-ordination, but all the wanking
has shattered our nerves.
http://www.cardstacker.com/gallery.html
>> Vodka filter experiment <<
Get one of those pointless water filters for
Christmas? Here's a real use for it. These chaps
put nearly two litres of crappy, cheap vodka
through one and then held a tasting session
to see how smooth they could get it. That's our
kind of dedication to science.
http://www.ohmygoditburns.com/wordpress/index.php
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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
Utility gag
This stylish fetish mask/gag comes with a handy
mouth attachment for a variety of dusters,
brushes and serving trays, so you can keep your
sex life spicy without falling behind on the
housework. Buy one for your gimp on the go.
http://www.scottpaulpresents.com/humiliator.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF #1
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Winner megamix <<
Death Wish director Michael Winner is
probably better-known in the UK for a
series of car insurance endorsements.
So cultishly popular are they that they've
inspired this rather special dance tribute.
http://stuff.skuzzle.com/video/calmdowndear.wmv
>> Edible freaks <<
A fantastic collection of peculiarly anomalous
foodstuffs. Our favourites are the satanic
breakfast cereal and the tragically deformed M&M.
http://www.hanttula.com/exhibits/freakyfood/index....
>> Screen cleaning <<
Eyes smarting after a hard day staring at the
computer screen? That's because it's dirty
from the internet and wants a good clean.
This must be the fluffiest way to make it all
alright again.
http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com
>> Odd celebrity art <<
Who would imagine eighties popster Nick Beggs
of Kajagoogoo would be ekeing out his funds
by flogging paintings of phone boxes on eBay?
And you can buy one too. That's not the sort
of thing you expect to find going through the
Where Are They Now? file.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Deer through windscreen <<
Gore. Lots of gore. That's basically the result
when you hit a deer with your car. Eurgh. This
is the kind of scene that makes vegetarians feel
all smug and superior.
http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php
>> Celebrity duckalike <<
We were browsing through a catalogue of
celebrity-themed bath toys (as one does), when
we were struck by this one. It's supposed to
be Moe, of Three Stooges fame, but look!
Noel Gallagher!
http://www.markmakers.co.uk/moe.html
>> Russian arty oddity <<
Got a minute to spare? Watch this drawing
twist and change in front of your very eyes.
No idea what it's all about, mind. All
in foreign, innit?
http://fcmx.net/vec/v.php
>> Beardy bondage <<
Aiee. One look at at this photo and our
childhood images of Captain Birdseye were
soiled forever. Our pants too.
http://leatheroaks.org/Files/Harnessed/Dcp02153a.j...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your Christmas Nightmares
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your Christmas nightmares.
These all seem somewhat tame in comparison with
what actually happened to us, but here's
some stuff to make you laugh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/christmasnightmares/
#1 Christmas pud anyone?
"My Gran is of an age where bowel and brain
control can be difficult. Last year, during
dinner, a nasty smell and some uncomfortable
shuffling came from across the table. After an
earlier 'accident' my Gran, now pantless, had
shat herself. As she stood up, pieces of brown
goodness fell to the floor. She picked one up,
presenting it to us all: 'Christmas pudding
anyone?' (dogfish)
#2 'Last Christmas'
"Wham were topping the charts and the family
bonhomie was well-nigh uncontainable. 'Sing the
song you made up,' urged my older sisters. OK.
Whatever possessed me I don't know, but this
is the song I sang to that well-known tune:
Last Christmas,
Ma and Da had a fight,
and Da called Ma
a dirty old Pox-bottle
The masks slipped, the fight started all over
again, and that was the year I ruined Christmas."
(pikey)
#3 Christmas Eve shopping...
"Got locked in a shopping center till Boxing
day. Fun." (Fentruk)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like examples of the sheer ignorance of the
stupid. Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignorance/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cats and dogs special
>> Cat basin <<
In the B3ta Hotel, every room will be fitted
with hot and cold running kittens. Here's a
demo of what the bathroom might look like:
http://img119.exs.cx/img119/5523/1693cp.jpg
>> Poorly chihuahua <<
What could be sweeter than a tiny dog with
a broken leg? Pretty much nothing, that's
what. We're off to break our legs too now,
so we can get sympathy from all the girls.
http://www.klin.kvl.dk/images/Chihuahua.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Greetings Card Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Before Christmas we wanted you to make
greetings cards for any occassion:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/greetingscards/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Pitch and Toss' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Pitch and Toss writes -
#1 "Possibly the sickest entry of the entire
lot. What evil, twisted mind could come up
with an idea like this? This guy is definitely
hell bound - as I will be after laughing like
a loon. (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4066675
#2 "Bus - This tipped the wink at Final
Destination. The marvels of predictive text
in a greetings card! And any animation that
includes blood and guts gets my vote.
(Hairy Midget)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4068369
#3 "Ouch - Simple, funny and true. And it has
blood in it. Right, I'm off to North London
armed with a knife. Bye!" (tweaknik)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4067867
Results from the Family Circus Challenge
Last week we wanted you to ditch Photoshop for a
change and take pictures of your friends, family
and pets doing cool stuff:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/familycircus/
We asked the Challenge Dictator himself to sit
in judgement of the entries.
The Challenge Dictator writes -
#1 "Drunken Fun With Beer Cans - Ah yes - a
pictoral representation of B3ta made with the
remnants of a drunken orgy. It is so appropriate.
(Balphaus)
http://b3ta.com/board/4094605
#2 "iRobot - There is only one thing better than
having your own personal robot to do your chores
and that's dressing up as one. (M3Essential)
http://b3ta.com/board/4100486
#3 "New Year's Eve Pyramid - Hooray, somebody
actually did get round to making a human pyramid
like we wanted. Well done sirs." (Chaffinch)
http://b3ta.com/board/4123002
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'kplex' gave us
the suggestion, "Action Grannies"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/actiongrannies/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Twang Your Dog
It's one of the classic game concepts: Your dog
wants to get to the top of the world. You must
propel him on his way, using a series of elastic
platforms. It's quite tricky even from the start
and you'll have to use ricochets to get past the
spiky barriers.
http://www.toshiba.co.jp/digital/game/tobby_pachi/...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DIANA DEATHCLOCK RESURRECTION - Cafepress
finally got wind of our touching tribute
in clock form and immediately banned its sale.
Undaunted, Rob got busy with his Christmas
crayons. The end result is, if anything, even
more magnificent than the original.
http://www.cafepress.com/robmanuel.15999723
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SIMPLE FUNNIES - for we have simple minds.
* CHEAP THRILLS - what's the tackiest thing
you've seen on the net this week?
* SURPRISES - show us something we've never
seen before.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Annie Brigot, NoMoreFaith,
TooMuch2AM, Chris and Leanne, among others.
Top Tippery by Freddy Woo
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the hefty b4ta hussars. (78038)
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TOP TIP:
If you're a speccy get and doing a spot of DIY,
there's a simple way to keep paint off your
shiny glasses: Cover them with cling-film. When
all the work's done just chuck it away. Rather
than leaving it on and wandering the streets like
some sort of wrinkle-eyed freak.
