NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 171: "THE MEGA-SHITTER!"
This Week:
* PIGS - aren't they great?
* VIDEO - TV's Countdown secret clip
* HUMAN ZOO - Collector man
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 171 - 25 Feb 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue171/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pigs, Countdown & Estonian video
>> Lovely pig farm animation <<
Giant_squid wasn't cut out to be a corporate
raider, he'd rather be a happy pig farmer. And
wouldn't we all? Naive visuals complement a
good-hearted lyric yearning for the simple life.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/pig_flash.htm
>> Countdown Uncut <<
B3tard-at-large Chicago Dave has unearthed
unscreened footage of UK word-guessing game
Countdown. His characteristic style and attention
to detail made us chortle anew at quite an old
joke. Or maybe it's just the swearing.
http://www.geekgifts.co.uk/countdown/
>> Surreal advert mash <<
Sp3ccylad writes, "I've been pissing around
with those Estonian ads you featured the other
week and popping my own music on them." The
result is quite entertaining viewing if you're
a bit monged, as we were.
http://www.sp3ccylad.com/daisychain.mov
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: ADVERT
darreningram wins 50 word auction
And here's what they wanted to say:
"UNLIMITED worldwide press release distribution
for £200 a year + VAT. M2 PressWIRE. So simple
that even Wayne can use it. Unlimited, as in a
Chavvy "all you can drink" Spanish holiday bar.
Sending Goatse pictures over the service is
forbidden. No offers or such bullshit, just a
great service!
http://www.M2.com
>> Buy space in B3ta <<
We're not doing an eBay again in the immediate
future. If you want to get in touch about
advertising then just use the usual address.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Compulsive Collector
There's nothing *wrong* with obsession, it gives
a little purpose to our otherwise pointless
lives. However, to be obsessed with everything
is a little sinister. And this butterfly killer
seems to have started collecting anything he's
ever come across. The only surprise is that in
the picture of himself, he's not stood with 182
lookalikes. (Not that we're not a little jealous
of his multi-ethnic Daleks.)
http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/my-collections.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your little turn-ons.
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we naively asked for the little
things that turn you on:
http://b3ta.com/questions/turnons/
Here's a few of the, well, inexplicable things
that rock your world:
* Shoulder blades and spines
* Midgets in German uniforms
* Waitrose
* Audio cables
* Pakistani men
* Knitting women
* The motion of Victoria Line trains between
Seven Sisters station and Finsbury Park
* Answering this week's question in a crowded
office
* Reading this week's answers in a crowded
office
* Creme Eggs. Inserted vaginally.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us your crappy claims to
fame. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame/
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
My big fat toilet
There's no point in mincing words here: The
Great John is a reinforced, super sturdy and
comfort-enhanced toilet for the fatty who really
needs a giant dump. We like the accompanying ad
image of a chubby couple, so happy now they can
have a poo without the bowl collapsing.
http://greatjohn.com/grjodi.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Instant messaging angst cartoon <<
We've recently got quite into internet chat
stuff and maybe that's why we enjoyed this
humorous cover of a whiny rock song, almost
despite ourselves.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/blockedme.ph...
>> Improving Art <<
Justin's auntie Joan sends him the same drippy
Monet calendar every year. Bored, he began
customising them with cheap, nasty stickers.
The results are wonderfully surreal.
http://www.justinspace.com/joansmonets/joansmonets...
>> Nude boxing game hack <<
A little explanation needed: Some deeply
disturbed individual took the original Nintendo
game 'Mike Tyson's Punch Out' and altered the
code so you could play it with naked,
sexually-aroused fighters. This in-depth review
gives you all the info you need never to have to
play that shit for yourself.
http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/nudepunchout/def...
>> Miss McDonald's <<
Here in the UK, McDonald's is pretty much
synonymous with 'huge evil corporation', so it's
refreshing to see this eccentric Philippine lady's
innocent delight in dressing up like the fast food
giant's clownish frontman.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/miss_mcdonald/
>> French disco lift gag <<
Coming over like a French Take Over TV skit,
the funniest detail is the victim's total
failure to act surprised on finding her lift
full of disco dancing strangers. Instead she
takes the stairs. C'est la vie.
http://snipurl.com/cttu
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: STOP TELLING US
* JOHN PRESCOTT is the number 1 result
for "fuckwit" on Google.
* COMIC RELIEF VIRALS made by your crappy
agency are any good when clearly they are
all shit.
* FATBOY SLIM has made a video with kittens
in in. The song sucks.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The section that almost didn't make it this week
We had no cute stuff to run, not a fluffy
thing in sight. This made us sad. Luckily
Mr Monkeon found this bouncy goat. It looks
so happy to be alive that we couldn't help
but smile at its goaty exuberance.
http://photos1.flickr.com/3757979_b6ae3d5797.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'New sports for toffs' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what the
upper classes will do now that fox hunting has
been banned.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toffsport
We asked b3ta boarder AMX to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
AMX writes -
#1 "Mock the Poor - from the tragedy of the
countryside way of life being anally raped,
comes the joy and international harmony of
a new olympic sport. (VampireMonkeyOnSPeed)
http://b3ta.com/board/4282589
#2 "Trooping the colour... of blood! - I would
really like to see the queen take pot shots
at her royal guards, just to see if they
will stand still. (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/4293353
#3 "Chase me - playground humour is always the
best, even public school playground
humour." (hamchicken&peas)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4297536
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator wants us to
find anti-social behaviour to ban.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/antisocial/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MULTI-COLOURED SHIT - Penguin weighs into our
ongoing "does blue food make your poo blue
too?" controversy. The results of his
experiments with high doses of caffeine and
green food colouring are useful, but ultimately
fail to fully convince - isn't that just a
thin glaze of green colour on the final, er,
product?
http://www.tomscan.com/goblin.htm
* ROYAL STUFF - The Royal Family is a big, fat
easy target and you gladly answered our calls
for royal mockery. This in particular made us
snort with laughter.
http://media.cannedham.co.uk/flash/camilla/royalwe...
* URL GUESSING CONUNDRUM - Thanks to the several
people (including b3ta's own Cal) who sent
us the solution to the fiendishly difficult
geeky quiz we featured as Game of the Week
in Issue 169. Now we know all the answers.
But we're not telling anyone. Tee hee.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Trick ball challenge
The controls on this ball-navigating, lunar
lander-style game are very sensitive; so much
so that it's like being Superman, playing
keepy-uppy in a gale. The addictive bit is you
always thing you can do just a little bit better
each time.
http://www.jmtb02.com/flash/metaphysik/metaphysik....
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* ROYALTY LOOK-A-LIKE PORN - hire one of those
dickheads you see on those look-a-like sites
and film them doing the nasty. Maybe that cabby
who looks like Elton John eating Lady Di's shit.
* PUBCUNT.COM - detailing all the tricks that
can be done by cunts in a pub. From "have you
ever seen a match burn twice?", where somone
lights a match, blows it out, and then shoves
the glowing ember into your face, to "Old
McDonald had a whale" which was something about
spitting beer in your friends faces.
* PERPETUAL SPUNK MACHINE - live for ever by
attaching a tube from your mouth to your cock
and wanking day and night. Once you start you
will be in enternal bliss and your stomach will
always be full. Yummy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson and the Wikiwoos.
Links sent in by spiny, Faruk, furufuru and dom
Top Tippery by hotlcp
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the still sinister b4ta cabal.
(76875)
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TOP TIP:
Candles never seem to last quite long enough.
To prolong their humble span, freeze them for a
few hours before burning. They stay alight for
much longer, perhaps due to increased cold power.
