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This Week:
* PHOTOS - Handicapped wrestling
* AUCTION - Buy drug gear from plod
* GAMES - Diarrhea Dan & Hedgehog flips

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 172 - 4 Mar 2005

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  Cannon stunt  

  "Marvel as an irritating work-mate is literally
  fired, with a cannon, in his face! Brought to
  you by Maverick and directed by board regular
  Mr. Wheatley. BOOOOM!"

  >> Buy this space <<
  Get in touch using the magic of the interweb.
  And piss off with your dodgy affiliate schemes.


  Hedgehogs, Dog sex, Poo, Cam hacks & New Age

  >> Hedgehog flipping game <<
  Your aim is to catapult the little hedgehog
  chappy into the goal, avoiding barriers, lava
  and the marching wall of death. Engrossing
  game-play from Matazone, here offsetting a
  spare graphic style.

  >> Baiting the date-pervs <<
  Birdparty and friend have been answering the
  'Casual Encounters' classifieds on
  craigslist.com (UK readers, think 'Loot').
  "I'm starting to wonder if its turning me off
  men in general," she muses. And with good
  reason: she's turned over a rock to reveal
  quite a sad collection of scuttling sexual freaks.

  >> Diarrhea Dan <<
  Look Around You, a British TV comedy show, asked
  B3ta people a few months back to supply some
  "crap computer game" graphics to be used in
  their show. It was broadcast last Monday and
  we were pleased to see four items used, including
  this little number your esteemed ginger fuhrer
  bashed up for their website.

  >> Infra-red camera conversion <<
  Hoagie has been messing around with his webcam,
  to make it take IR photographs. The results
  are intriguing - you can use a TV remote as a
  torch, Coke is completely transparent, all your
  pics look vaguely sinister, etc. He talks you
  through how to do the same simple trick
  yourself, just in case you fancy go.

  >> New Age bargains <<
  It's a massive, one-time-only sale at Nancy's
  New Age Bargain Warehouse. Kirby Ferguson has
  made this, frankly manic, commercial vid to
  promote it. There's dolphins, too. Woo, special.


  Your words of wizdom

  >> Hamsters of death <<
  "A friend once fed his hamsters on nothing but
  sprouts for three weeks. He came in one morning
  to find that one had hung itself from the cage
  ceiling. The other one was eating the dangling
  remains." (tala_anthony)



    produces Hitler, alongside pics of the foolish,
    moon-faced chef.

  * SAVETOBY.COM - some bollocks about killing
    rabbits. Fuck off - we don't care.

  * OPERA DISCO FAT TEENAGER - Jesus, we'd have
    linked to it a good month ago if we liked it.


  Crappy Claims to Fame

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted your tenuous claims to fame:

  #1 Never complain to soap writers
    "I love the UK police soap The Bill: but when
    they introduced a new WPC, Honey Harmon, I was
    so disgusted with her lack of acting ability
    that I emailed the producers to ask who she
    had shagged to get the role. No response.
    Then about a couple of months later there
    was a panning shot across the office taking
    in the white boards in the background: There
    was my name in big black letters with a ring
    around it in for a child sexual assault case!
    The bastards!" (Catchag)
  #2 One Man Army
    "During World War II my Grandad accidentally
    took a wrong turn in his Jeep and ended up
    liberating Holland. True story. The Nazis had
    occupied a small town to use as their base of
    operations. One day Grandad shows up when the
    Nazis are away and everyone runs into the
    streets cheering. Thinking that the whole army
    has arrived. Ze Germans hear about British
    troops occupying the town, so they never came
    back." (Digeridude)
  #3 Look at me! I'm the Pope!
    "Was living by myself in Denver a couple of
    blocks from the Catholic church at which the
    Pope was staying for his visit. To commemorate
    the event, a local paper provided instructions
    on how make its pages into a Pope hat, which
    I did, while eating lunch across the street
    from the church. After lunch, wearing my Pope
    hat, I yelled at the top of my lungs, to no
    one in particular, "Look at me! I'm the Pope!"
    just as the motorcade was passing. The crowd
    of youthful Catholics quieted to cricket level
    and everyone was looking at me as the white
    limo drove by: Through the darkly-tinted windows
    I could see John looking right at me with a
    somewhat dismayed, disappointed expression."

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to hear the sordid mess you got into
  losing your virginity. Confess to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Handicap wrestling <<
  Just exactly what the headline says: Disabled
  folks beating on anyone who'll get into the
  ring with them. We like the equal opportunities
  exploitation sentiment, although the fighters
  could really do with being a bit more mobile if
  they want to make it in the big leagues. Oh, and
  it's from Japan. Surprised?

  >> Security glass ad <<
  To illustrate how strong their new glass is, this
  ad agency came up with a revised version of the
  old sticking-a-coin-to-the-pavement trick using
  fuckloads of money. Money that they'd have
  otherwise spent on coke and back slapping, no
  doubt. It's all clever advertising for sure, but
  we'd have given up, breathed on the glass and
  drawn a cock in the condensation. That'd teach
  'em for playing on our greed.

  >> Police pot auction <<
  Harrogate police seem to be in the business of
  confiscating marijuana-growing kit, then
  flogging it back to the good burghers of
  Yorkshire so they can have another go. All
  through this obscure police auction site - like
  eBay for plods.

  >> Walking Sydney streets <<
  90-year-old Alan Waddell was encouraged by his
  doctor to take up walking. He enjoyed it so
  much he walked every street in his suburb.
  Enthused by his success he now aims to traverse
  every street in Sydney and has managed over 100
  suburbs since then. We are mightily impressed.
  He may be Australia's oldest street walker.

  >> Where's my change? <<
  Feisty little Afro-American kids are great.
  Just ask the writers of Diff'rent Strokes.
  Check out this adorable tyke demanding his
  correct change at the grocery store till.

  >> Big jar of horse testes <<
  Er. When a friend revealed she was getting
  her horse neutered, Justin Winokur realised
  he just couldn't let those surplus equine
  baubles go to waste. For whatever dark reason,
  he found himself drawn to claim them, wash
  them, decant them into a jar and muse what it
  would be like to lick them. He's clearly on
  a voyage of yukky self-discovery.

  >> Superhero office politics <<
  Being a hero isn't all saving the world from
  fiery doom. There's reams of tedious paperwork
  afterwards. We enjoyed this short animation,
  based upon DVD hit Office Space, implying that
  Superman's life sucks arse.


  Kittens camera, albino squirrel & pet foxes

  >> Kitten camera <<
  If you're wondering what photograph this kitten
  is taking, simply increase the contrast on your
  computer, look in the lens' reflection and
  you'll see... It's a photo of a dog taking the
  photo of the kitten, obviously.

  >> Albino squirrel <<
  Magzah sent us this picture of an albino
  squirrel which lives on his university campus.  
  It's very cute, and no doubt the uni rugby
  team have tried to turn it yellow with their
  hilarious piss pranks at some point. However,
  when it snows, all you can see is two disembodied
  red eyes staring right into your soul...

  >> Pet foxes <<  
  Apparently scientific boffins are breeding foxes
  as pets. All that science makes them lonely
  you see. 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on

  the web recently? Tell us.


  Results from the Anti-Anti Social Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to ban as much anti
  social behaviour as possible.

  We asked b3ta boarder Funtastic Pony Magic to
  judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Miss Pony writes -

  #1 "I’m with stupid – The huge cigarette warnings
      in this country have always been a bit of
      a wonder to me, as smokers are going to
      smoke no matter how big or scary the warning
      labels are. This is by far the best mock of
      cigarette labels I’ve seen, and the shifty
      spongalicious eyes just make it better.
      Silly Benson & Hedges, stop trying so hard!
      Marlboro’s got the right idea. (gazzton)

  #2 "No Raping – I can just see the sad look on
      all the sex offenders' faces seeing these
      signs around car parks. 'Not even 30 seconds?
      Shucks.' This cracked me up, and I am a sick
      person for it. (renegatus)

  #3 "No Surrealism – This is exactly my kind of
      silly. It’s random, cute, has funny posh names,
      and an octopus with a monocle. What could be
      better? (Chrico)

  "Honourable mention to Cocodaye Miasere for using
  the phrase 'Pic-a-nic basket'. This post sparked
  in me a long-forgotten nostalgia for the good old
  days of light-hearted laughter with Yogi and Boo Boo
  and their pic-a-nic basket thievery."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod's Wombat gave
  us the suggestion, "What not to give your mum on
  Mother's Day"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE COMPULSIVE COLLECTOR we featured last week
    has been in touch. He writes, "I am less than
    happy with your comments - I am not a butterfly
    killer, nor am I obsessed. I have several
    hobbies and I have a life. It's a shame you
    couldn't be more constructive about a site that
    has had a lot of effort put into it and provides
    a valuable reference via my book galleries to
    other collectors worldwide. Regards. Tony"
    Suitably chastened, we return to alphabetising
    our extensive Kinder Egg toy collections.

  * JOEL! LIVE! - Joel's band, 7 Seconds of Love
    are going great guns. Come and see them live.
    We'll be going to the one in Tufnel Park, as
    it's only up the road. See you there.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INVENT A NEW DANCE - the Kollaboration
    bendy dance man of yesteryear webby fame,
    has got a job dancing for the Gene Kelly
    VW advert. Maybe you can pop your shoulder
    out of its socket and use it to sell
    Coca-Cola? Or frozen peas.

  * KIDDY PORN VIRUS - get the whole world 
    arrested by creating a virus that uploads
    child erotica to people's contact lists and
    CC's the police. We can bring the Earth to
    its knees. Yay.

  * 60 EGGS IN 60 SECONDS - are you man enough
    to accept our eggy challenge? Can you eat
    enough eggs to kill a goat in under a
    minute? The Guinness Book of Records 
    used to run stuff like this in the 70s,
    but stopped due to worries about public
    safety. We have no such concerns. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by toothless tiger, Magzah, Dunk,
  Fred Fenster, urban-profanity, Hiddenpower,
  rundosrun and ElSeed
  Top Tippery by TooMuch2AM
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the law of b4ta power. (76902)

  When reheating last night's pizza in the
  microwave, don't put it on a plate. Cut out a
  piece of the box slightly larger than your
  pizza and microwave it on that. This stops the
  base getting soggy, and saves on washing up.

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