NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 172: "DON'T EMAIL TV'S THE BILL. EVER."
This Week:
* PHOTOS - Handicapped wrestling
* AUCTION - Buy drug gear from plod
* GAMES - Diarrhea Dan & Hedgehog flips
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 172 - 4 Mar 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue172/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Cannon stunt
"Marvel as an irritating work-mate is literally
fired, with a cannon, in his face! Brought to
you by Maverick and directed by board regular
Mr. Wheatley. BOOOOM!"
http://www.viralchart.com/cossacks2/
>> Buy this space <<
Get in touch using the magic of the interweb.
And piss off with your dodgy affiliate schemes.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hedgehogs, Dog sex, Poo, Cam hacks & New Age
>> Hedgehog flipping game <<
Your aim is to catapult the little hedgehog
chappy into the goal, avoiding barriers, lava
and the marching wall of death. Engrossing
game-play from Matazone, here offsetting a
spare graphic style.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/the_hedgehog_g...
>> Baiting the date-pervs <<
Birdparty and friend have been answering the
'Casual Encounters' classifieds on
craigslist.com (UK readers, think 'Loot').
"I'm starting to wonder if its turning me off
men in general," she muses. And with good
reason: she's turned over a rock to reveal
quite a sad collection of scuttling sexual freaks.
http://birdparty.blogspot.com
>> Diarrhea Dan <<
Look Around You, a British TV comedy show, asked
B3ta people a few months back to supply some
"crap computer game" graphics to be used in
their show. It was broadcast last Monday and
we were pleased to see four items used, including
this little number your esteemed ginger fuhrer
bashed up for their website.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/lookaroundyou/programm...
>> Infra-red camera conversion <<
Hoagie has been messing around with his webcam,
to make it take IR photographs. The results
are intriguing - you can use a TV remote as a
torch, Coke is completely transparent, all your
pics look vaguely sinister, etc. He talks you
through how to do the same simple trick
yourself, just in case you fancy go.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/geoff.johnson2/IR/
>> New Age bargains <<
It's a massive, one-time-only sale at Nancy's
New Age Bargain Warehouse. Kirby Ferguson has
made this, frankly manic, commercial vid to
promote it. There's dolphins, too. Woo, special.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/nnabw.htm
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: FROM THE B3TA INBOX
Your words of wizdom
>> Hamsters of death <<
"A friend once fed his hamsters on nothing but
sprouts for three weeks. He came in one morning
to find that one had hung itself from the cage
ceiling. The other one was eating the dangling
remains." (tala_anthony)
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: STOP TELLING US
* SEARCHING FOR AINSLEY HARRIOT on Google Images
produces Hitler, alongside pics of the foolish,
moon-faced chef.
* SAVETOBY.COM - some bollocks about killing
rabbits. Fuck off - we don't care.
* OPERA DISCO FAT TEENAGER - Jesus, we'd have
linked to it a good month ago if we liked it.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crappy Claims to Fame
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted your tenuous claims to fame:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame/
#1 Never complain to soap writers
"I love the UK police soap The Bill: but when
they introduced a new WPC, Honey Harmon, I was
so disgusted with her lack of acting ability
that I emailed the producers to ask who she
had shagged to get the role. No response.
Then about a couple of months later there
was a panning shot across the office taking
in the white boards in the background: There
was my name in big black letters with a ring
around it in for a child sexual assault case!
The bastards!" (Catchag)
#2 One Man Army
"During World War II my Grandad accidentally
took a wrong turn in his Jeep and ended up
liberating Holland. True story. The Nazis had
occupied a small town to use as their base of
operations. One day Grandad shows up when the
Nazis are away and everyone runs into the
streets cheering. Thinking that the whole army
has arrived. Ze Germans hear about British
troops occupying the town, so they never came
back." (Digeridude)
#3 Look at me! I'm the Pope!
"Was living by myself in Denver a couple of
blocks from the Catholic church at which the
Pope was staying for his visit. To commemorate
the event, a local paper provided instructions
on how make its pages into a Pope hat, which
I did, while eating lunch across the street
from the church. After lunch, wearing my Pope
hat, I yelled at the top of my lungs, to no
one in particular, "Look at me! I'm the Pope!"
just as the motorcade was passing. The crowd
of youthful Catholics quieted to cricket level
and everyone was looking at me as the white
limo drove by: Through the darkly-tinted windows
I could see John looking right at me with a
somewhat dismayed, disappointed expression."
(3vilToast)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear the sordid mess you got into
losing your virginity. Confess to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/virginity/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Handicap wrestling <<
Just exactly what the headline says: Disabled
folks beating on anyone who'll get into the
ring with them. We like the equal opportunities
exploitation sentiment, although the fighters
could really do with being a bit more mobile if
they want to make it in the big leagues. Oh, and
it's from Japan. Surprised?
http://masamania.com/archives/2005/01/handicapped_...
>> Security glass ad <<
To illustrate how strong their new glass is, this
ad agency came up with a revised version of the
old sticking-a-coin-to-the-pavement trick using
fuckloads of money. Money that they'd have
otherwise spent on coke and back slapping, no
doubt. It's all clever advertising for sure, but
we'd have given up, breathed on the glass and
drawn a cock in the condensation. That'd teach
'em for playing on our greed.
http://www.37signals.com/svn/archives/001064.php
>> Police pot auction <<
Harrogate police seem to be in the business of
confiscating marijuana-growing kit, then
flogging it back to the good burghers of
Yorkshire so they can have another go. All
through this obscure police auction site - like
eBay for plods.
http://www.bumblebeeauctions.co.uk/XcAPViewItem.as...
>> Walking Sydney streets <<
90-year-old Alan Waddell was encouraged by his
doctor to take up walking. He enjoyed it so
much he walked every street in his suburb.
Enthused by his success he now aims to traverse
every street in Sydney and has managed over 100
suburbs since then. We are mightily impressed.
He may be Australia's oldest street walker.
http://www.walksydneystreets.net/media.htm
>> Where's my change? <<
Feisty little Afro-American kids are great.
Just ask the writers of Diff'rent Strokes.
Check out this adorable tyke demanding his
correct change at the grocery store till.
http://texastechie.com/HTML/fun/whereismychange.ht...
>> Big jar of horse testes <<
Er. When a friend revealed she was getting
her horse neutered, Justin Winokur realised
he just couldn't let those surplus equine
baubles go to waste. For whatever dark reason,
he found himself drawn to claim them, wash
them, decant them into a jar and muse what it
would be like to lick them. He's clearly on
a voyage of yukky self-discovery.
http://jwinokur.diaryland.com/020222_85.html
>> Superhero office politics <<
Being a hero isn't all saving the world from
fiery doom. There's reams of tedious paperwork
afterwards. We enjoyed this short animation,
based upon DVD hit Office Space, implying that
Superman's life sucks arse.
http://www.idiotwork.com/pages/tps.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kittens camera, albino squirrel & pet foxes
>> Kitten camera <<
If you're wondering what photograph this kitten
is taking, simply increase the contrast on your
computer, look in the lens' reflection and
you'll see... It's a photo of a dog taking the
photo of the kitten, obviously.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/3127864/
>> Albino squirrel <<
Magzah sent us this picture of an albino
squirrel which lives on his university campus.
It's very cute, and no doubt the uni rugby
team have tried to turn it yellow with their
hilarious piss pranks at some point. However,
when it snows, all you can see is two disembodied
red eyes staring right into your soul...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Magsmorris/...
>> Pet foxes <<
Apparently scientific boffins are breeding foxes
as pets. All that science makes them lonely
you see.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/02/02...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Anti-Anti Social Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to ban as much anti
social behaviour as possible.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/antisocial/
We asked b3ta boarder Funtastic Pony Magic to
judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Miss Pony writes -
#1 "I’m with stupid – The huge cigarette warnings
in this country have always been a bit of
a wonder to me, as smokers are going to
smoke no matter how big or scary the warning
labels are. This is by far the best mock of
cigarette labels I’ve seen, and the shifty
spongalicious eyes just make it better.
Silly Benson & Hedges, stop trying so hard!
Marlboro’s got the right idea. (gazzton)
http://b3ta.com/board/4317584
#2 "No Raping – I can just see the sad look on
all the sex offenders' faces seeing these
signs around car parks. 'Not even 30 seconds?
Shucks.' This cracked me up, and I am a sick
person for it. (renegatus)
http://b3ta.com/board/4312473
#3 "No Surrealism – This is exactly my kind of
silly. It’s random, cute, has funny posh names,
and an octopus with a monocle. What could be
better? (Chrico)
http://b3ta.com/board/4312904
"Honourable mention to Cocodaye Miasere for using
the phrase 'Pic-a-nic basket'. This post sparked
in me a long-forgotten nostalgia for the good old
days of light-hearted laughter with Yogi and Boo Boo
and their pic-a-nic basket thievery."
http://b3ta.com/board/4320124
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod's Wombat gave
us the suggestion, "What not to give your mum on
Mother's Day"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mothersday/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE COMPULSIVE COLLECTOR we featured last week
has been in touch. He writes, "I am less than
happy with your comments - I am not a butterfly
killer, nor am I obsessed. I have several
hobbies and I have a life. It's a shame you
couldn't be more constructive about a site that
has had a lot of effort put into it and provides
a valuable reference via my book galleries to
other collectors worldwide. Regards. Tony"
Suitably chastened, we return to alphabetising
our extensive Kinder Egg toy collections.
* JOEL! LIVE! - Joel's band, 7 Seconds of Love
are going great guns. Come and see them live.
We'll be going to the one in Tufnel Park, as
it's only up the road. See you there.
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INVENT A NEW DANCE - the Kollaboration
bendy dance man of yesteryear webby fame,
has got a job dancing for the Gene Kelly
VW advert. Maybe you can pop your shoulder
out of its socket and use it to sell
Coca-Cola? Or frozen peas.
* KIDDY PORN VIRUS - get the whole world
arrested by creating a virus that uploads
child erotica to people's contact lists and
CC's the police. We can bring the Earth to
its knees. Yay.
* 60 EGGS IN 60 SECONDS - are you man enough
to accept our eggy challenge? Can you eat
enough eggs to kill a goat in under a
minute? The Guinness Book of Records
used to run stuff like this in the 70s,
but stopped due to worries about public
safety. We have no such concerns.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by toothless tiger, Magzah, Dunk,
Fred Fenster, urban-profanity, Hiddenpower,
rundosrun and ElSeed
Top Tippery by TooMuch2AM
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the law of b4ta power. (76902)
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TOP TIP:
When reheating last night's pizza in the
microwave, don't put it on a plate. Cut out a
piece of the box slightly larger than your
pizza and microwave it on that. This stops the
base getting soggy, and saves on washing up.
