NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 176: "BIRMINGHAM EGG"
This Week:
* GOOGLE - Play the "I'm not gay" game
* SUBTITLES - Crap Chinese ones at that
* FUNNY NAMES - Oh shit. They're back
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 176 - 1 Apr 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue176/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Tank vs. football
"Football pitch invaded by heavyweight player."
http://www.maverickmedia.co.uk/panzers
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Translations, Nose spoon, South Park thing
>> Chinese film subtitles <<
Chinese DVD pirates are busy practising a form
of surrealism unknown in the West. Why bother
translating a film into Chinese when you can just
make up what's going on? Scroll down for the
transcript and marvel at Jude Law's love of
singing German folk songs. We giggled compulsively
like Stephen Hawking with a palsied typing finger.
http://www.sinosplice.com/weblog/archives/001573.p...
>> Jelly nose spoon <<
"We've invented an alternative way of holding
a spoon and feeding jelly to someone," crows
Tom Wyatt. A more pointless invention we have
yet to see. What goes unmentioned is that the
jelly appears to be in the shape of a cock.
Simple, retarded joy for the whole family.
http://johnnysausage.com/index.php
>> Election animation <<
Ah, Manic. He loves bullying our prime
minister. We think he secretly fancies him.
Anyway, this week he's imagined what it would
be like if Tony Blair and Michael Howard took
on the roles of Terrance and Phillip from South
Park and transferred that image via flash to us.
Now, having seen into Manic's mind, we secretly
fancy Tony too. But, alas, he's a married man...
http://www.backingblair.co.uk/debate/
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: BIRMINGHAM EGG OF THE WEEK
Curry craze sweeps the nation
Last week we asked you to cook up and try a dish
we invented to amuse ourselves whilst waiting
for our poppadoms in our local curry house.
Birmingham Egg: Simply take 5 scotch eggs,
halve them and serve with masala sauce.
Three of you actually took us up on the offer
and got cooking in the kitchen. You poor, poor
people. And you know what? Apparently it's
an absolutely blinding dish - you bloody
well love it.
http://www.jonatkinson.org/junk/birminghamegg/
http://zanchey.ucc.asn.au/begg/
http://www.mirvx.co.uk/index.php
So thanks to Paul, Lyall Furphy & Mirvio
for making our B3ta dreams come true. All we
need now is for a restaurant to put this dish
on the menu and our work here will be done.
And if you haven't tried Birmingham Egg yet,
get to your supermarket before the scotch eggs
run out. There's going to be a rush, you know.
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: ANALLY RAPE ME WITH A BENT SPOON
It's the return of funny names corner
>> JVC Minge <<
Looks like JVC are making more than than shitty
DVD players. Although we found this funnier
last night, when we thought it was a JCB Minge.
http://www.partstore.com/ProductDetail.aspx
>> Wayne Kerr Chemistry <<
When chemists aren't getting their giggles from
spiking cough medicine with laxative, they're roaring
furiously at this "universal bridge" supplier.
http://www.waynekerrtest.com
>> Mangina <<
Obviously a neologism to describe the sight
of an anus to a dictionary-wielding gay, we're
happy that Mangina actually exists and she's
a sports coach. Possibly a lovely lesbian too.
http://www.iwu.edu/~iwunews/sports/mangina.html
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: INTERVIEW
Steve Coombes - creator of TV's 'Outlaws'
Last Sunday we got a copy of Outlaws, a BBC legal
comedy drama set in Manchester. Frankly, we
didn't leave the house all day, watching all
12 episodes in one sitting, mouthing the words,
"It's sooo good. How come no one told us?"
So we emailed Steve Coombes - the chap who
created the show - and asked him a few questions
for your reading pleasure.
>> B3ta: Outline Outlaws in two lines.
On TV, the police always catch the guy and the
lawyer always gets him off. In real life and in
Outlaws, it's the other way round.
>> You did a lot of research for Outlaws - what's
>> the strangest story you *didn't* use?
My second day out with lawyer down a police
station. We were waiting for a client in an
interview room. Suddenly, the door opens and
two PCs come in and ask: Has anyone seen a gun?
They've lost one. We all look for a moment and
then the PCs disappear. I never used it in
Outlaws because I didn't think anyone would
believe it.
The most surprising thing I discovered is that
it takes 400 policemen to arrest 4 terrorist
suspects in Manchester. It then takes the
detectives another four days to realise their
tickets to a Man U match (the assumed target of
their plot) are, in fact, two years out of date
and just souvenirs.
>> The plots are so packed, what's the secret
>> of fitting it all into 30 mins?
Originally, Outlaws was going to be 40 mins
long, but during the research period, such slots
disappeared from BBC 2. So we were left with a
choice: spread to an hour or compress to 30 mins.
The shorter format suited the choppiness of
Magistrate Court, so went with it. But we always
try and put an hour's worth of plot in a show,
partly to show off and partly because we think
audiences like it. Our credo was: they're not
the Fast Show, we are.
>> Where have you been hiding before this?
I've spent my life failing upwards. I started
off writing sitcoms like Birds of a Feather,
failed out of that into comedy dramas like
Lovejoy or Frank Stubs Promotes and from there
into straight drama like Roughnecks.
By the mid-1990s, I was developing my own formats
for TV whereupon I failed up into films. I had
comedy made for Working Title and spent far too
long writing the other film about Kinsey for HBO.
Eventually, you can only fail up so far,
whereupon you have to fail back down again
which is when I started work on Outlaws in May 2002.
>> What's your big unfinished project?
On and off, I spent five years writing a film
about Kinsey that never got made. At one point,
Sydney Pollack was the exec producer, but he
left to go and act in Eyes Wide Shut.
>> Eastenders - how would you fix it? Go on...
Bring back Leslie Grantham and give him a camera.
He obviously likes to film more interesting
things than the mob they've got now.
>> ...and and and the classic "Tell us a joke"
This one was told to me by Phil Daniels and is
the least PC joke I've heard for years.
Sex shops in Bolton have just introduced a new
range of ethnic inflatable toys. There's a
Jewish Princess, a Catholic Madonna and a
Madonna Buddhist, but by far the most popular
is the Islamic doll with a Burkah - because
she blows herself up.
Go on. Treat yourself. Buy Outlaws on Amazon
and give yourself something descent to watch.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0007IK65...
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: GAY GOOGLE GAME
I'm Totally Straight, But ...
A game bloggers have been playing this week,
is typing "I'm totally straight, but" into
google this week and finding how random web
users finish this phrase.
Favourites include:
... I don't mind other sexually aroused males
in close proximity.
... I'm not scared to admit that another man
is good-looking.
... just recently I've been experimenting by
whilst masturbating I got the gf's sex toy and
put it up the 'whoopsie'.
If you can think of any good starting phrases
for google and produce such good results then
get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Walkman Flashbacks
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted the tracks that trigger
vivid memories when you hear them:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flashbacks/
* RELAX - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
"This always makes me cringe: I used to have
very long hair, half way down my back. On my
35th birthday, my missus said she was going
to take me out for a meal and a night in a
hotel. Anyway, getting ready to go, "Relax"
came on, so I'm naked, dancing around and
singing along drying my hair with a pink and
yellow hair-dryer when my youngest brother
throws open the door. Unfortunately, all of
my family and most of my friends behind him
shouted "surprise!". The surprise party was
certainly a surprise: to this day, even after
12 years, if "Relax" is heard by any of my
family or friends they point at me and laugh."
(peewee13)
* DON'T YOU WANT ME - Human League
"When I was around three, my parents split up.
A year or so after that, Don't You Want Me was
a hit and my dad told me, 'The next time you
hear that song, you tell your mommy that this
song is about me and her, okay?' Helping her
tidy around the house it was on the radio.
And I told her. And then she got upset and
had to leave the room. Thanks, Dad. Now that's
in my head every time the damned song is on."
(Sydney Bintstow)
* WHERE IS THE LOVE? - Black Eyed Peas
"I fucking HATE this song. It's a steamy, wet
turd of a song. So, I'm in the middle of losing
my virginity, with Radio 1 on, and what decides
to grace the airwaves? That song. Cunts. One of
the most memorable times of my life, and that's
the fucking soundtrack." (seventhsun)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us the things you simply
don't understand. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/huh/
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I'm totally straight, but I like Malibu Rum
& Pineapple.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Transparent PC illusion <<
These chaps have set their PC's wallpaper to
be whatever is behind the computer, giving an
impression of having a transparent screen. It's
really rather clever stuff, though we imagine
that the sort of person who'd do this would wear
a t-shirt with a picture of his guts on the
outside and use his webcam as a mirror. Much
like our mum.
http://files.macbidouille.com/transparent/
>> Couples AMIHOTORNOT <<
In the glory days of 2000 the big hit of the
web was AMIHOTORNOT, the site which asked you
to rate an individual's attractiveness on a score
of 1 to 10. Variants followed like AMIGOTHORNOT
to our personal favourite, RATEMYKITTEN. The
latest introduces a novel twist, showing two
people side by side and asking whether they'd
make a good couple. We found it interesting,
if only to see our opinions continually
reinforced by others. Pretty people should
date pretty people and uglies stick with the
uglies. Where it's safe.
http://www.buttercouple.com/
>> Disco Apache <<
Ancient readers will remember the Shadows hit,
Apache, no not the geek web server of choice,
but a twangy guitar epic created by Hank
"two-handed wank" Marvin. You probably don't
remember this 1970s disco remake complete with
dodgy porn moustaches and red indian disco
dollies. You will now though.
http://www.zeronews-fr.com/flash/70s.php
>> Self-flushing cat toilet <<
Our B3ta wife recently complained that although
science has given us Spepper (saving us from
the drudgery of using salt and pepper in separate
shakers) it hasn't produced the self-cleaning
carpet. Sensing a challenge, we didn't offer to
help clean up, but went on a self-indulgent orgy
of googling. The best we could find was the self
flushing cat toilet, mainly because it was removed
from the market as it flushed regardless of whether
the cat was in it or not. Ooops.
http://www.smarthome.com/6123.html
>> BBC Breakfast lady pr0n <<
There's a theory of sexual attraction that states
men fancy women only slightly better-looking than
themselves. It's about obtainability: Lorraine
Kelly after a few glasses of cider might give you
a hand-job in the car park, whilst you know that
Gwyneth Paltrow isn't going to put out without
rohypnol. Only such thinking can explain this
dedication to making this collection of
pornographic nudes of the ladies of UK morning
TV. NSFW. But this link is probably going to
going to do the rounds of the BBC.
http://www.breakfastfakes.co.uk/
>> Chalk Fighter <<
These people have found a way of playing Street
Fighter with only some chalk and a blackboard.
We hope there were strict rules and that it's an
impossibly-complicated game to play, but suspect
that the only rule was "If it looks good, draw
it".
http://ueba.com.br/forums/index.php
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I'm totally straight, but I'm very curious
about having a guy's hard cock inside my
tight arse.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Scientologists, Evil phones & Scary stuff
>> Playing with Scientologists <<
Iain has bought a house. Unfortunately, its
former owner still gets lots of letters from the
Church of Scientology. Fortunately, Iain
has decided to reply to them and see what happens.
We're hoping that he follows this up with
more adventures with Scientologists. This could
run and run.
http://www.big-iain.com/TheJimThompsonLetters/
>> Dobber of the week <<
You know those mobile phone scams where you get
a text from a fairground informing you that "U
won gldfsh. Call this number...", then when you
phone it back, you're connected to a premium
rate line? Apparently, if it doesn't inform you
that it's premium rate then a quick report to
ICSTIS can get them into rather a lot of trouble
when you dob them in. Hurray! We're like
Watchdog but without the old bag with the
plastic face.
http://www.producemonkey.co.uk/icstis.html
>> Short scary animation <<
We're scared of lots of stuff. Spiral staircases,
spiders, flushing toilets, opening letters from
the bank, basically we're scared of most stuff.
Including JMS's short and effective animation.
We shit our pants.
http://www.crumblewall.com/files/eyes.html
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I'm totally straight, but I can't resist
sucking the occasional cock.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pug puppies
Not hugely bothered by dogs at B3ta Towers,
they smell when it rains and all that stick
fetching makes us suspicious.
However even our fag-blackened hearts were
softened by B3ta reader Jared's new pug. He's
called Magnus and he's recently had his 6
week birthday.
http://www.peckish.org/images/magnus6wksm.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Tragic Roundabout Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to find the secret
undercurrent of depression in kids' TV shows.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tragicroundabout/
We asked B3ta boarder '100% Gibbon' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Gibbon writes -
#1 "Orville - I'm with Cuddles The Monkey on
this matter, I fucking hate that duck.
Nice to see him plummeting and also suffering
a slow, painful death. It's all in the wing
twitch. (pobblepop)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4437994
#2 "Tucker's Duck - Tucker looks delighted with
his duck, but I think that the duck might be
about to throw its wing out and break his
arm. Or is that swans? I can't put my finger
on why, but this made me wee my pants.
(previously on the west wing)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4426624
#3 "As if by magic - Ah. The costume change that
Mr Benn wanted most of all - and even gayer
than his cowboy costume. Nice to see him
shopping at the same fancy dress shop as
Prince Harry." (mozza)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4427948
Special mentions to these two Mr Men entries.
Everybody needs a bit of Shabba in their lives,
and Jonathan looks delighted to be on his way to
the school gates, presumably to meet up with his
friends Mr Glitter and Mr Jackson (veracity
statement to be confirmed by American court, but
he is odd, isn't he?)"
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4435357
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4432414
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator told us to take
a magnifying glass in hand for "Extreme Close Ups"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/zoom/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* URBAN BOWLING - "Hello, we're Australian,"
barks spanishcatfish, "and we just finished
doing some high-quality urban bowling you
requested a few weeks ago. It was fun." Ooh,
by the looks of your video, you had a lovely,
if vaguely uneventful day out with your new
friend. We're still hoping for someone to
bowl down the slope between two escalators
on the tube.
http://home.swiftdsl.com.au/~nick_turner/bowl_0004...
* SHIT SCALE - last week we mentioned the
Bristol Stool Scale, a high-tech medical
system for describing poo. "It's real!",
exclaims Chris Wheatley BSc FIOT MSCCT,
"Here's a link to a magazine I write for,
complete with photos."
http://www.n2nmagazine.co.uk/articleDetails.asp
* ANIMAL REVIEW THANKS - the team write :
"Thanks for bigging up Animal Reviews in your
newsletter a while back - we've since been in
the Guardian and are soon to be interviewed
by the BBC. You guys are the best." Yes, we
are the best. But those BBC guys? They
smell of wee.
* SOCIAL ENGINEERING DE-BUNKED - hamburger
operative Ian scowls, "All it boils down
to is being a cheap bastard and making
unnecessary inconvenience for the poor
people working at the restaurant.
Giving it a fancy name doesn't change
anything. Notice the years of pent-up
bitterness I gathered working in such a
restaurant exploding here."
* WHAT'S IN THE BOX? SOLUTION - last week
we presented you with a mystery box
and asked you to work out what it was.
Although we were charmed by your ideas
that it was to make Pom Poms, polish
teeth, and design bobble hats, the correct
answer was pointed out by Irish piano tuner
Mick Danby who wrote, "You've stumbled
across a piano technician's box of paper
and card washers. The small paper ones
are used to adjust the height of the keys,
the bigger ones adjust how far the keys go
down." So it looks like our question-master
has basically stolen the livelihood of a
poor blind person. The fucker.
* KOALA BEAR ERRATA - reader Richard exclaims,
"There is NO FUCKING SUCH ANIMAL AS A KOALA
BEAR!!!!!!!!!!! It's not a fucking BEAR!
It's a Koala!!! Glad I've got that off my
chest." There there dear. It's only a
newsletter.
* PANCAKE COCKS - we asked for you to draw
penises in coffee froth and none of you
did. Slackers. Anyway Ladymortisha got stoned
and did have a go with pancake mixture.
Nice one. Could probably do with some
maple syrup spunk though.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v158/whiskeyfair...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* MATT BIANCO MOMENTS FOR A NEW GENERATION -
Old fuckers remember Matt Bianco being
called a "bunch of wankers" on Saturday
Superstore. It was a delight. It happened to
5 Star too, being asked why they were so
fucking shit. There's more rubbish celebrities
now than ever and yet this sort of thing just
doesn't seem to happen any more. So get your
kid brother to give Ministry of Mayhem a call
and inform whichever 'star' they have that
week (hopefully it's the moronic Easter island
statue-faced singer from pop band the Bravery)
to "Get off my digital television, you're a
waste of pixels". Or something.
* PRIDE ANTHEMS FOR NEW MINORITIES - We love
"Say it loud! I'm black and I'm proud" and
"Sing if you're glad to be gay", and we hope
that there's a bootleg available for people
who are both. But what about the minorities
without anthems - the dwarves, the gingers, the
tories and the goths, to name but four?
If you belong to a songless minority, get
a group together and belt out your pride for
us in a short catchy anthem that can be sung
forevermore.
* SECRET COCKS ON PRODUCT DESIGN - do you
make the packaging for kids' sweets? Maybe
you make Braille pamphlets for the blind.
Cover them in hidden penises and we'll make
you famous.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David "Geek Hunk 2005" Stevenson.
Links sent in by jeremy, pirate_gyrate,
smiling.carcass, beanmom, gay google liberally
robbed from rcade at cruel.com, blork101,
todd and about a million people with stuff
about that fucking box.
Top Tippery nabbed from Encyclopizza. Read
the site if you want to spend 5 hours learning
how to run a pizza restaurant. Oddly good.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Yay Fraser.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Which he does well.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the evil b4ta overlords.
(101223-24087)
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TOP TIP:
The "chef's secret" for removing garlic and onion
smell from hands is to
(1) wet the hands with cold water,
(2) rub them with salt,
(3) rinse off the salt, then rub with lemon juice,
and
(4) finish off by washing with soap and water.
