NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 177: "AMERICA, WE STAND AS ONE"
This Week:
* ROCK - 'America We Stand As One'
* KOSHER - Jewish chew toys
* PHOTOS - "My buttery vagina shame"
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 177 - 9 Apr 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue177/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
The adventures of DEATH
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/deathsnightout.h...
thanks to www.maverickmedia.co.uk!
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF #1
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Super-patriot rock vid <<
Dennis Madalone: The Star Trek stunt coordinator
is now on a mission for God and America, judging
by this stupendous slice of bombastic rock. Short
on lyrics, but long on angels and firemen, we
could scarcely believe what we were seeing.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/04/america-we...
>> Tramp-juice reviews <<
You're on a serious mission to get pissed, but
unsure which super-strength kidney poison lager
to plump for? Here's your answer: Short reviews
of the most palatable ways to drink yourself to
oblivion in a car park somewhere. Break out the
Amsterdam Maximator.
http://www.trampjuice.tk/
>> Bomb your bookmarks <<
Rain mayhem on your favourite site, with this
amusing online toy. Type in the web address and
select the method of destruction from the pull-down
menu. About as close as you'll get to Ming the
Merciless's now-legendary control panel.
http://snipurl.com/dwci
>> Uber Nintendo fan <<
Surely there's some sort of critical mass to be
reached, where you're so busy with the games
you've got you can't go out and buy any more.
Not if you're this obsessive games nut it
seems. B3ta salutes you sir, for your superlative
time-wasting skills.
http://www.nescapades.com/gameroom.htm
>> Jewish chew toys <<
Pet toys for kosher canines: A little redundant,
we think. Everybody knows that dogs are all
Buddhists. And cats very clearly worship Satan.
http://jewishbazaar.com/BAZAAR/DogCatToys.HTM
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: SHOP WATCH
Sex toy reviews
Found on the ratings section of a sex toy web
shop. 2 AA Batteries: "Not nearly big enough...
also need pull string for easier removal. It
took me over an hour to get them out of my ass
with a pair of pliers! I think I lost one!"
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: "I'M NOT x BUT..."
This week's fun with Google
This week we've all been searching Google for
stupid ways people start sentences, then
sniggering at the results..
We especially liked:
* I'm not Racist, but...
"I sure do like making fun of black people in
Pringles commercials!”
* I'm not a paedo! but...
"I do like kids and want to have some of
my own."
* She'd only gone and...
"left a pot of Stilton that should have
been kept refrigerated by a lovely warm
radiator."
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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
Masturbation master-class
In what amounts to a teenage boy's Karma Sutra,
each position and technique is rated according to
difficulty and lubrication required. The animated
images of some of the more unorthodox methods
made us wince and, almost unthinkably, actually
put us off wanking for a couple of minutes. NSFW,
as if you couldn't have guessed.
http://advancedmasturbation.com/24.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Things you don't understand
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us what you
never quite understood:
http://b3ta.com/questions/huh/
* Toast
"My mother was useless in the kitchen: when I
was young, I honestly thought you made toast
by putting it under the grill until it turns
black and then taking it out and scraping all
the black bits off. It wasn't until I was round
a mate's house that I saw him take the toast
out before it went black and thought "What a
fucking awesome idea!" (Legless)
* CID
"For quite some time, I thought I knew what CID
meant. Alas, it turns out it doesn't mean 'Cops
In Disguise' after all. Shame really." (clendrix)
* This Life
"For many years now, I have been using the
'Fred Basset' as the minimal unit of humour in
comic strips. Then the Metro started printing
'This Life'. I'm not sure that you could find
even one amateur web comic drawn by a spastic
7-year-old that is as shit as This Life. This
isn't like the discovery of subatomic particles,
it's as though someone has discovered negative
Kelvin." (Rastas P Watermelon)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to confess your guilty pleasures.
Talk to us here - we're off to try the thing
with the banana:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures/
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* I don't hate women, but...
"I do think fat feminists probably have
smelly twats."
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: WE'RE SHITTING GLASS
Please God No it's the return of Funny Names
>> Aryan Justice <<
We can only assume this little girl's parents
intend for her to become some sort of Nazi
messiah. Still, it's a steady job, we suppose.
http://snipurl.com/dwbl
>> Therapistfinder.net <<
Sounds like a man in a special hat who goes
tracking down sex offenders - kind of like
Charles Bronson in the Death Wish films.
http://www.therapistfinder.net/
>> Shri V.D. Dikshit <<
spamcicle writes, "I'm in an archaeology class,
and we recently talked about the prominent
Indian archaeologist Shri V.D. Dikshit. Hee hee."
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* I'm not gay but...
"I've always wanted to try a mutual
masturbation session. I'm not gay but I am
curious. I have two problems. I am married
(my wife would definitely not understand) and
I am a very fat man."
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: SITES IN BRIEF #2
Other stuff we like.
>> Butter vagina <<
We're not afraid of the female genitalia. But
it's not necessarily the kind of thing we'd be
expecting laid out in front of us when we'd just
opened a new tub of low-fat spread.
http://www.difflock.com/discus/messages/28438/7750...
>> Right-wing t-shirts <<
You're wanting to really piss off everyone you
meet, with your rebellious and unpredictable
opinions. Some stupid cartoon making Bush look
bad isn't going to cut it: people will just
agree with you. Instead, why not try one of
these ragingly right-wing beauties?
http://www.christianshirts.net/
>> Are you a paedo in New York? <<
It's a searchable Sex Offenders register for the
States. Always amusing to type in your boss's
name, or maybe just look for rude words.
http://www.criminalcheck.com/
>> Harelip kitten <<
Aww. Poor little Tiddles. He looks so mournful.
And deformed. This is why it should be illegal
for siblings to marry each other.
http://www.pbase.com/lecook/image/31587496
>> Penny-stacking supremo <<
This is what happens when bored engineers get
hold of that huge jar of pennies you've been
meaning to take down the bank. We'd like to
see a stylish but affordable bathroom suite
next please.
http://www.fincher.org/Misc/Pennies/
>> You vs. the 5-year-olds <<
We've all thought about it: Aliens come down
and kill everyone over the age of five, except
for you. How long could you last in a world of
toddlers reverted to barbarism? The great debate
begins here.
http://snipurl.com/kidattackdebate
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* I'd rather stick my cock in...
"a jar of angry bees!"
"a sausage slicer than up your arse, mate."
"a fixtured vice and walk backwards."
"a snapping turtle's jaws and trust him not
to do the worst."
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Little dogs and kittens
A tiny puppy, frolicking with dolls' house-sized
props and an expression of good-natured
astonishment. Bless.
http://www.liewcf.com/wp/archives/2005/04/cute-min...
A collection of cute, yet slightly odd, pics
of baby cats. You may like to think you're immune
to this stuff... closer to the truth to say you
can't get enough.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/meowmeowbutt/1205...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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* Her breasts were like...
"artillery shells and yet her buttocks were
the size of a baby chimpanzee's."
"goose eggs, but soft."
"little famous women scientists."
"rounded eyes staring accusingly."
"empty triangular water bags."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Zoom Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us things in
Extreme Close Up.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/zoom
We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Miss Sunshine'
to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Miss Sunshine writes -
#1 "After years of research - things I enjoy
seeing in photoshopped pictures; bunnies
in lab coats, microscopes, Cadbury Creme
Eggs. The choice of winner was really quite
easy for me this week. (wingpig)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4445073
#2 "I knew it - Bonus points here, not only
for a pun of spectacularly bad proportions,
but it also looks so tasty. (shin0r)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4452986
#3 "Who'da thunk it? - Those funny, stripy,
horsey things in the zoo are covered in
pictures of the 'Terry and June' of pop.
Hurrah! (Slapnutz)"
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4440788
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor 'enthusiastic
amateur' gave us the suggestion, "An
accident waiting to happen"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/accident/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE MOBILES TRIVIA - LP writes, "Turn on
predictive text and try to type in that oh
so popular brand of vodka 'Smirnoff' - You
get a curiously appropriate result." Fancy!
* CONTRAPTION MAN SAYS - "I'm one of the four
bone-idle Cambridge students that built the
strange device you featured back in Newsletter
173. We got a polite email from the University
computing department a couple of days after
the newsletter was published... Seems we used
up about 15% of the Uni's entire network
traffic on those two days, which is nice.
We're also now the first result for a Google
search for 'contraption.'" Fear the mighty
power of B3ta.
* ONION SMELL - Digeridude, fresh from slaving
over a hot stove says, "In newsletter 176 you
talked about the easiest way to remove onion
smell, involving salt, lemons, and water. There
is an easier way! Rub your hands with a steel
spoon under cold water." This is because steel
and onions are natural enemies in the wild.
* BAD ADVICE - "It's probably a bit dangerous,"
burbles classic315, "but if you get a cotton
wool bud and dip it it Cillit Bang... and
gently rub it on your teeth, without dripping.
It works! Nice white teeth." No. You are a
very wrong and bad person. And the fumes will
probably make you blind.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Hang things on the hangers and keep them
out of the water. If you keep the whole lot
dry for long enough you'll get another thing
to add to your fishy mobile. Watch out for
seagulls!
http://www.vectorpark.com/films/levers.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AMATEUR STARS IN THEIR EYES - We'd like to
see the rules of the game relaxed a bit. At
the moment you aren't allowed to imitate a
singer of another gender or race. Where's the
fun in that? We want to see Gary Bushell
blacked-up as Aretha Franklin.
* EMOTIONBOTOX.COM - recreate the wonderful
emotioneric.com site in its entirety with
people who have just received botox treatment.
We'd love to see the expressionless Kylies
of the world attempting "Ice Cream Headache",
"Gigantic morning wood" and the botox-
impossibility "pensive".
* YOUR USUAL MIX of funny/clever/stupid and
horrendously crap stuff. We love it all.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by hamchicken&peas, connor, Noit,
cindiloohoovindaloo, mrtinybrain, Laughing Boy,
Mr E. Bob, vagina, me, Dr Frank, sjwinch, chrisg,
g1n_munk3y, 04039080, jab_bradfield, jspearmint,
arksworld, Rev. A-MOL, teach83, iamtom, frunt,
raven1482, rootrock, richdotcox, stevie_morgan,
stevethedalek, thayer18, amandakate anywherebutme
and not very much gravitas at all
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the pretty b4ta plinths. (101443)
