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This Week:
* ANIM - Return of Burnt Face Man
* GAME - Click the colour
* CONTROVERSY - was Lion King a rip-off?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 181 - 13 May 2005

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  >> The Lab <<
  Are you bored? We have the solution. Get
  The Lab on your mobile. Polls, quizzes,
  True or False, image quizzes, profile
  tests, U-Decide adventures. Text JOY to
  61190 to subscribe. 75p per week, first
  week free.

  >> New flashness from Kerb <<
  Again we've been plundering the old skool
  games library and this time built something
  that was influenced by the C64 classic
  "Little Computer People".

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Stroop effect, Shit ringtones, Fatpie & Ghosts

  >> Burnt Face Man III <<
  "Hello B3ta," greets Dave Firth of Fatpie fame,
  "I was just wondering if you can mention my
  brand new Burnt Face animation like you did
  with the original cartoon a few months ago."
  Not a problem Dave. Burnt Face Man is our hero,
  and we know you're going to be a big, big star
  - so want some reflected glory. BTW: Dave
  also goes on to mention, "It actually ended
  up on the BBC website thanks to you (I could
  tell because they nicked what you said about
  it instead of writing their own synopsis.)"

  >> Click the colour, not the word <<
  According to wikipedia, "The Stroop effect in
  psychology is a demonstration of interference.
  When colour words such as blue, green, red, etc.
  are printed in various colours and someone is
  asked to say the colour the words are printed
  in rather than reading the words." Blimey.
  But according to your Ginger Fuhrer, "It's a
  good idea for a game with a lovely little

  >> Ringtones can fuck off! <<
  We can't turn on the TV recently without seeing
  an advert for crappy ringtones. From Crazy
  Frog to that little birdy-cunt tweeting away
  like a twat. We hate them all. Reckless_Rik
  has made a tribute to "make you want to turn
  your anus inside out with a rusty screwdriver."
  Presumably Jamster will be in touch, and Rik
  is going to make millions.

  >> MP3: Fucked by a ghost <<
  "I have made something cool", claims john_venables,
  "a song about being fucked by a ghost." Now, we
  try and avoid linking to MP3s in the newsletter,
  but we did like this. I reminds us of the old
  Underworld track that went "lager lager lager",
  except with ghost-fucking.



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for your stories of sabotage:

  #1 Kumbaya m'Lord
     "Not me - a schoolfriend of my dad's whose
     father worked the quarries. With access to
     a stash of small blasting caps, what can he
     blow up? The toilets? The tuck shop? Nah...
     He only goes and wires a small blasting cap
     to the middle C on the piano in the hall...
     Word gets out and thus approaches the most
     anticipated assembly in the history of the
     school. All proceeds as normal, then the
     music teacher sits down for the usual hymn.
     Kumbaya m'lord, Kumbay *BANG*
     One destroyed piano, a music teacher with
     brown pants and 250 hysterical kids."
  #2 Post-natal bladder weakness
     "Whilst pregnant my wife was evil. Nothing
     was ever right, everything was uncomfortable
     and I had to do everything for her or else.
     Like every doting husband should, I complied
     fully and put up with it all. Until after
     the birth, whereupon she developed a sudden
     'bladder weakness' which meant that she wet
     the bed nearly every night for about three
     weeks...well, until I started to feel for
     bad for pissing on her and making her think
     she was incontinent..."
  #3 Testicles
     "Got a bloke drunk and bet him that he couldn't
     get both his bollocks into a standard Marmite
     jar. This is an easy feat: one simply pops
     them in, one at a time. Unfortunately there
     isn't room for both a plum and a digit,
     negating the chances of removing said testicles.
     Nothing makes Lord Manley happier than watching
     a grown man's face as he holds a claw hammer
     and contemplates smashing the glass jar which
     houses his gonads." (Lord Manley)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the petty
  jobsworths you've encountered. Talk to us here:


  Where the broadbandits get their lo-rez kicks

  >> Lucy in the Sky with Shatner <<
  Big Bill Shatner's singing career has been long
  and unvaried. This video goes to much, much
  more effort than the Shat ever put in to his
  singing lessons.

  >> Laughing yoga <<
  Can this be real? Watch the tiny, wizened yoga
  master practice his ancient Indian art of
  cackling like a loon whilst wearing robes.
  Very mystical, in a Yoda-style way.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Menstrual Barbie mod <<
  Words fail us when trying to figure something
  like this out. Why would a seemingly normal
  German chappie go to the trouble of extensively
  modifying a normal Barbie with drills and
  elaborate piping systems so he can pretend she's
  on the blob. Oh, and he makes teeny tiny
  tampons for her too. Which is cute. Kind of.

  >> Sexy French AIDS poster <<
  Ah those Frenchies eh? Even their AIDS campaigns
  have that certain je ne sais what. It's worth
  taking a look at these hard-hitting posters
  featuring beautiful men and ladies making love
  to spiders and scorpions.

  >> Eating moles <<
  Yep. But not the kind of mole that lives in
  your garden.  Oh no. That would be unhygienic.
  Cutting off, cooking and eating the horrid
  little nodules from some bloke's back. We suppose
  if he's a good friend you wouldn't want to
  cannibalise him all at one sitting.

  >> Poochy scooters <<
  A scooter with a little hoop to strap your dog
  into. We suspect it's so your canine chum can
  share your exercise fun. But it probably comes
  in handy getting you up hills. All you'd need
  is a stick with a bone on a string.

  >> Star Wars Bollux <<
  Anything Star Wars from after 1983 is smeared in
  our minds as maybe being just a little bit crap.
  Looks like one of the franchise's writers felt
  the same and sneaked in a new character whose
  name reflects the truth.

  >> Great statistics <<
  Genuinely interesting page that gives a running
  counter on all the important world statistics:
  births, deaths, lightning strikes to the earth
  and tonnes of poo produced so far this year.
  Very handy. Especially the poo.

  >> Enigmatic information signs <<
  Signposts are odd things really - they're
  supposed to tell you stuff, but you can
  only understand them if you already know
  what they're trying to say. Here's a
  wide-ranging collection from around the world,
  apparently warning of things like cows falling off
  cliffs and the perils of Gestapo fish.

  >> "Lion King was a rip-off" <<
  Did Disney steal the story for its animated
  smash from a 1960s Japanese TV show? Craig
  Andersen certainly thinks so, and his shot-by-shot
  analysis comparing Lion King to animated classic
  Kimba The White Lion makes it look like barefaced
  corporate plagiarism too. Huzzah.


  Results from 18 Certificate Films Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to remake 18 certificate
  films for children.

  We asked b3ta boarder 'The Duke of Prunes' to
  judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Duke writes -

  #1 "Watch With Mother - when I saw this it made
      Ribena come out my nose, I think the look
      on Barney's face as he falls down the steps
      is beezer! (Mantrid)

  #2 "Your mother folds socks in the hall - it's
      very nicely done, you can't go wrong with
      Pob, it's swell!. (Zak McFlimby)

  #3 "Hitchcock's The Birdies - I like its
     simplicity and it made me make a
     laughing noise. (zedd)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator wants us to
  blow the whistle on conspiracies everywhere.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOOK-WANKING - Alabaster Codify reminisces,
    "The website with the 'hooked' gentleman
    made me shudder a little as it reminded me
    of a kid in my school who had a similar
    hooked hand, which was battery operated.
    One day he closed the hook around a railing,
    and his battery died. This left him fixed
    to the fence. He was stuck there crying,
    being mocked by his peers for a good 10
    minutes before someone went to get a teacher.
    The way old Hooky in the website squeezes his
    cock made me wonder- what happens if HIS
    battery dies?"

  * CHOCOLATE POLISHES METAL - Carl informs us,
    "Being hung over as sin this morning, I
    reversed my hire car into a lamp post
    at Sainsbury's.  So I thought I'd try out the
    chocolate polishing as advocated in the recent
    B3TA firelighting tip - and it worked!  Soft
    rag, warm chocolate and a bit of elbow grease
    removed all visible trace of the scratching.
    Right result."

  * JAPANESE ERRATA - only about 30,000 people have
    pointed this out, but they were Korean babies.
    Like we fucking care.

  * WANK TO THE MOON - jacockshaw writes - "Regarding
    the wankometer chappie, I do believe that he
    has failed to take into account the fact that
    he needs to overcome the gravity of earth first
    to get to the moon surely? In the simplest way,
    by using the laws of conservation of energy,
    he would have to put in 1150 wanks a second
    just to get up to speed for take off."

  * MAD SQUIRREL LADY - GregorLenko points out,
    "in the Squirrel Nutter story, you don't make
    enough of the fact that Kelly Foxton 'rescued'
    that poor little critter 'from a tree'."

  * NERD FLASH - similar to the predictive text
    stuff we've mentioned recently, jon l writes,
    "There's an odd thing in Microsoft Word:
    "jesus" is not automatically corrected to
    a capital J whereas "hitler" is." Woo. This
    makes us as happy as when we learnt that
    searching for "monkeys" in a Microsoft
    clip-art application it produced photos
    of affluent black people.


  Crappy Nappies

  It's not often you'll get pissed on by a flying
  alien in nappies, but this short little game's
  got that and lots more frankly bonkers Japanese
  animation. When the whistle blows it's up to you
  to drag things around to get to the next bit.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * iPOD BOMBS - apparent the battery will
    explode when stabbed with a screw driver.
    Can anyone sneak one onto a passenger jet?

  * ADVERTISING ENQUIRIES - that don't expect
    the advertising to be free. Er..
    the dictionary definition is, "The activity
    of attracting public attention to a product
    or business, as by paid announcements in the
    print, broadcast, or electronic media."
  * TAMPONS FOR SQUIRRELS - we've just noticed
    that a Swan cigarette filter-tip would make
    a perfect jam-rag for a tree-rat. Maybe the
    mad squirrel lady should take note.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Dobsky, Mykeyboy, Parrot of
  doom, trench, Barnaclese
  Top Tippery by filthy_gringo.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by rather nice people at b4ta.

  De-stalk your iceberg lettuce by bashing it
  (stalk-down) on the table. Your stalk will
  fall out in one piece, leaving handfuls
  of lovely lettuce for a nice salad.

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