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This Week:
* QUIZ - Can you spot the pornalikes?
* SURVEY - Logos that look like cocks. Results.
* COOKING - Biggest Scotch Egg ever

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 182 - 20 May 2005

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  PlayStation competition and Star Wars clips

  >> WIN A Year of Freedom With PlayStation <<
  PlayStation is revolutionizing online
  communication with its "Summer of Freedom"
  campaign and giving away a 'Year of Freedom'
  to one lucky person. Its website gives users
  the chance to take part in weekly "video
  blogging" competitions plus the chance to be
  the lucky winner of a whole year of Freedom!
  To WIN all you have to do is visit the site!

  >> Star Wars clips <<
  Biggest news this week is the release of
  the sixth and final Star Wars movie; Revenge
  of the Sith. Orange's roving reporter Mr Dresden
  got very excited and nipped down to a Star Wars
  convention to mix it with R2D2 and C3P0. Click
  here to see his little adventure

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Cock logos, Pornalikes, Scotch eggs & Mingtones

  >> Phallic Logo Award: the Winners <<
  The game designers across the nation are
  playing is: can they design a logo and get it
  approved without the client realising it's a
  big spurting penis? We asked you lot to send in
  the best cock logos from around the world for
  our team of experts to evaluate. Now we present
  to you the very cream of your cocks. 

  >> Pornalike quiz <<
  "Isn't that her off of Eastenders?" When the
  porn gets a little bit dull we all like to
  amuse ourselves by spotting the models who look
  like celebs or people we know. So much so that
  ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel has based one of those
  interactive quizzes off the idea - can you tell
  the difference between Britney Spears and some
  dodgy old slapper?

  >> Giant scotch egg <<
  B3ta's chef to the titans Fraser Lewry has been
  busy this week, whipping up another of his gigantic
  culinary concoctions. This time he's taken the egg
  of an ostrich and rendered it into that northern
  delicacy a colossal scotch egg. Although you can't
  fault his cooking skills, there's something about the
  idea of getting a mouthful of giant egg-white that
  turns our stomachs. Bleh.

  >> Ringtone cunt <<
  Reckless_Rik has a lot to answer for. The immensely
  sweary ringtone vid we featured last week prompted
  furious emails, such as, "We piped this very loudly
  through the office tannoy system for about 10 minutes
  on Friday and everyone went home for the weekend
  singing it to themselves (and some of the guys
  have kids at home!)" This week he's decided to
  produce a kinder, gentler version that he hopes
  "will appeal to the ladies."


  It's funny names corner. Again.

  The searchable US sex offenders register that we
  featured a few weeks back. Some of you have been
  through it with it with a fine tooth-comb and reader
  Joe was delighted to tell us that there is a sex
  offender in Montana called Pat Littleboy. Ah,
  splendid whimsey.
  Also spotted this week 'Big cunt lorry'



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for your encounters with
  the petty jobsworths out there that make life
  just so worth living:

  #1 Council Refuse Site Attendant
     "With a load of garden rubbish to dispose of,
     I arrived at the tip to find a VERY long
     queue of people waiting to unload into a
     single garden waste skip. There were,
     however, a long line of empty skips, all
     with 'garden waste' painted on them. I asked
     a guy why they couldn't open up another skip:
     "Can't mate... it's more then me job's worth"
     (seriously). I thought 'bollocks to this',
     and started emptying my car into the next
     empty skip. He ran over to me, spitting with
     rage. "You can't do that. It's against the
     rules!!". "What are you going to do about it
     then?" I asked. "I'll... I'll... cone your
     car off!". And indeed he did, then he stood
     there and gave me a triumphant look... I
     picked up the cones and lobbed them into
     the skip too." (barmcake)
  #2 Revenue Protection Officer
     "My local train company employs some pretty
     offensive units, in particular one gentleman
     who seems to take great pleasure in harrassing
     by shouting and threatening them with court.
     One evening I clocked him getting on a train
     at Luton, so I thought Id have some fun with
     him - as soon as he entered the carriage I
     was sitting in I vaulted off the train and
     began to sprint down the platform. This was
     like a red rag to a bull: he jogs after me,
     frantically bellowing into his walkie talkie
     to "hold the train, hold the train!" When he
     reaches me he screams, "Get off the train or
     I will have you arrested." I ask him why,
     "you are deliberately trying to avoid paying
     your fare." I produce my season ticket, his
     face falls and he asks why I ran off? "You're
     a fat cunt, mate, and I reckon you needed
     a run" (bigmeuprudeboy)
  #3 Wetherspoons Bouncer
     "We wandered into a Wetherspoons in Leeds,
     but the only seats were in the non smoking
     area. No problem, but within 3 minutes the
     cubic doorman appeared and said "I'm sorry
     lads, I am going to have to ask you to leave,
     'cos this is a non smoking area" *looks round
     to see who had sparked up* "But none of us
     are smoking" says I. He just pointed to my
     packet of snouts and said "but you might"
     (Milkno Sugar)

  We'd also like to celebrate the UK government
  Department of Work and Pensions, who have refused
  Dr.A access to B3ta by classifying it as 'useless'.
  "and this coming from the place that runs the
  fucking Child Support Agency," he splutters.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We want to know what happened when you met
  your other half's parents for the first time.
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Toast in the post <<
  Send this guy some money and he'll cook up some
  toast, put a stamp on it and bung it in the mail.
  We like the idea of the problems it'd cause for the
  postman; butter and crumbs all over everybody else's
  letters. We don't like to think about what it would
  be like to eat after all of that.

  >> Man-tights <<
  Tights designed for a man. Not sure we understand
  this one. After all, if you're a man wanting to
  wear tights then surely the POINT is that they're
  designed for women?

  >> Bad fruit art <<
  It's impressive in a way. Someone has used their 
  utmost ingenuity and skill to unintentionally
  render this collection of luscious fruit and
  veg into an uncommonly menacing set of edible
  beasts. They look like zombies. Zombies with
  melons for heads... Brr.  

  >> Magnetic fingers <<
  Is there no end to the extremes people will
  go to to modify their bodies? This chappy has
  been putting magnets under his skin so that he
  can mysteriously pick up iron filings. This
  is possibly an idea for one-time-b3ta-regular
  Kitteny Berk, or Staple Balls as we liked to
  call him, who used to regularly place photos
  of his freshly-pierced penis amongst the kittens
  on our messageboard. Go on, Kitteny. Stick
  magnets in your cock. Then you'll always
  know which way is north.

  >> More inappropriate cocks <<
  Nothing delights us more than finding an
  unexpected penis in mainstream media. Our
  mind was opened to such filth in the 1980s
  when a sneaky art editor working for the
  Wolverhampton's Express & Star stuck a bulging
  penis onto Superman in an advert for car
  exhausts. Imagine our continued joy in finding
  this "join the dots" badly-drawn cock on
  a children's book cover. (Scroll down.)

  >> Sellotape art <<
  A brief history lesson on cyber-begging: First
  there was savekaryn.com, where Karyn ran up
  a load of credit card debt and threw herself on
  the mercy of the web. She got her debt cleared,
  and a fancy-schmancy book deal too. Secondly,
  we had the titillating giveboobs.com, where
  a young lady asked for cash to increase her
  bust. She eventually got her tits, but Playboy
  never phoned. And now? Let us introduce you to
  Helen. She's an artist working in the medium
  of stickytape, and wishes to exchange her
  disturbing art for art school tuition fees.
  Hmm. We reckon these arty types often have
  low self-esteem, so there's probably a shag
  in it for you if you've got the cash.


  Oil PC

  Think if you dunked all the gubbins from your
  PC into a bath of vegetable oil that it would
  break? Think again - it would be fine, as oil
  is a poor conductor of electricity. Gaze in
  wonder at the greasy joy of this German bloke's
  home computer, working happily under several
  inches of glistening oil. And if he overclocks
  it, he'll be able to cook chips.


  Results from 'Conspiracy' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us everything
  they don't want us to know about.

  Regular Bt3a challenge handler "Mystery_Bob"
  decided to judge the challenge himself - here
  are his 3 faves.

  Mystery_Bob writes -

  #1 "I knew it - So Stephen Hawking can stand
      after all. He just uses his cool electric
      buggy to go drag racing and pick up chicks.

  #2 "Human Combustion - One of my rules in life
      is never argue with cats who can shoot
      lasers out of their eyes. It's a rule that
      has kept me alive so far.(Chance1234)

  #3 "How the inernet works - I want to know
      where I can see monkeys with javelins.
      Please show me the monkeys with javelins!
      Please? (Zedd)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, Sony PlayStation want to you make
  images about "freedom" and you can win a PS2


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SQUIRREL TAMPONS - Last week we wondered if
  someone had already invented them, so we could
  perhaps, make our fortune. Jimvin informs us,
  "Squirrels do not menstruate and hence would
  not need jam rags." Our dreams of rodent 
  vadge-bung riches lie dashed.

  * KITTENWAR APPEAL - a few weeks ago b3ta
   regulars launched KittenWar, a site where
   kitten fights kitten in a battle of cute.
   Since launch it's done 35 million pages,
   and they need a new server. If you fancy
   helping out, then bung them a few quid via
   their appeal page. Think of the kittens!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FROZEN GUINNESS ICE POPS -  now that it's
    coming up to summer, can you design a new
    alcoholic treat?

  * KICK ME POST-ITS - indulge in an international
    'stickers on strangers backs' game.  Start off
    with ten or so good photos, and open a blog
    calling for more entries.

  * VICKS SINEX EXPERIMENT - what does it do
    when you squirt it in your eyes?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Special thanks to Leningrad, Thor_sonofodin 
  and Delicious Tea.
  Links sent in by Kundalini wants his hand back
  (and an fp too, thanks),  citroenax, babs just
  dreamt that nazi pixies were invading swizerland,
  todd, fred.fenster, Emily Bruce-Dickinson,
  geordiedeviant & wolverhampton gee.
  Top Tippery by Rob.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by b4ta. They love it.(102314-25807)

  Keep a few sliced loaves in the freezer
  and you'll have fresh toast every morning.
  BTW: We like serving a "toast medley" for our
  special friend. Take 4 slices, and spread each
  one with marmalade, jam, peanut butter and
  Marmite. Halve each slice and serve with
  hot coffee. (Serves 2)

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