NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 186: "JCB BALLET"
This Week:
* FOOD - Fraser eats raw mince
* WEEBL - Mr Stabby returns
* GOOGLE - songs about your favourite site
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 186 - 17 Jun 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue186/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Smash the system, sartorially...
Live8? Pah. Real agitators of social change
don't trek all the way up to Edinburgh just to
wave placards at European figureheads with a
load of off-duty students. No, they sit right
where they are with a pint, a knowing smile
and a Teefly "MakeBonoHistory" t-shirt on
full show...
http://www.teefly.com/
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Raw mince, Mr Stabby, Students & Google
>> Fraser eats raw mince <<
We've been regularly tickled by the culinary
prodigies of b3ta's official King of Food
Fraser Lewry. But this time, perhaps he's gone
too far. We fear for his safety as he prepares
to tuck into the infamous Steak Tartare - a big
pile of raw mince garnished with a raw egg.
Revolting.
http://www.blogjam.com/2005/06/12/steak-tartare/
>> Mister Stabby <<
Jonti's bug-eyed psycho take a job in a piercing
parlour. The joy of this series is in the way
you can see the unfortunate pay-off coming a long,
long way, but it still feels good when it happens.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Mr+Stabby+4/
>> Student twat of the week <<
We're being mean because we're actually rather
jealous of b3tard Sunshine Elephant's snazzy
new boudoir. Just look at his face says he's
having more fun in bed than he ever thought
possible with his clothes on.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4779347
>> Google song <<
In last week's newsletter, we said you wanted
a song about Wikipedia or Google. Well, giant_squid
and manwithunderpantsonhead have obliged with just
exactly that. There are some great moments in this,
but we were also laughing at the idea of Google
commissioning this as viral marketing.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/google_flash.ht...
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: GREAT SONG BAD JINGLE AWARD
Gino's Pizza
We're huge fans of the crap jingle at B3ta
towers, whilst writing this very newsletter
we spent rather too much time reminiscing
about a 80s TV pizza commercial that took
the Dexy's Midnight Runners hit, Geno, and
replace the words with "Piping hot pizza
delivered direct to your door, oh Gino's."
Try and sing it. It's irresistible. Sadly
we can't find a copy of it online, and
that's where you can help.
Can you find a copy? Also what great songs
do you remember that have been turned into
rubbish jingles? Tell us and once we've got
enough of them, we'll turn it into a lovely
article for everyone to enjoy.
Get in touch via the normal channels, trained
operatives waiting for your email etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I was drunk when I bought this...
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for things you'd bought
whilst drunk:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/
Here's list of those essential items you felt
the need to buy after rolling home from the pub:
* A tombstone, inscribed "braaaaaaiiiins"
(£217, in case you were wondering)
* Every bloody episode of Mork and Mindy.
* A signed portrait of Darth Vader .
* Bright pink vibrating nipple clamps, 1 pair.
* 25 cubic feet of packing foam
* My Russian Wife. Seriously.
* 4,000 wardrobe and kitchen doors.
* A Barbie bike and a suite at a London hotel.
* A selection of Waffen SS recruiting posters.
* A balaclava with 'Terrorist' on the front.
* An online girlfriend who was "willing to email
me, saying anything I wanted, no holds barred".
I got her to write a 2000 word economics
essay for me... It got me a grade D
and finally
* The world's scariest doll:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/post336...
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever been in a difficult situation that someone
has made worse for no good reason? This week
Pollollups was strapped in an MRI scanner and
forced to listen to Dido. We feel her pain:
http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Heavy digger love story <<
Possibly the campest thing we've seen all week.
Bloke is on his way to work when suddenly,
helplessly falls in love with a digger and dances
a tragic ballet.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/06/jcb-ballet...
>> Psycho cyclist <<
Like a cautionary tale of internet dating, this
starts innocently, just a guy looking for
someone to cycle-tour with, but rapidly
descends into madness.
http://tinyurl.com/dkotz
>> World's worst boob job <<
Yeah, it's a porn site. And, yeah, it's
supposed to be titillating (no pun intended).
But we couldn't help marvelling at just what
a kak-handed job the surgeons did with this
poor model's unwieldy implants. NSFW. Clearly.
http://snipurl.com/fng5
>> Pet star parrot <<
Who could fail to be impressed by this talented
parrot's appearance on US TV. Just when you think
that's it, on comes another trick - culminating
with a daring high-wire stunt.
http://snipurl.com/fng3
>> Goatse logo of the week <<
Yes, worryingly this seems to be turning into a
regular feature. Check out the logo of Cayuga
Nature Center's Team Challenge - adding a new,
eye-watering wrinkle to the basic goatse motif.
http://www.cayuganaturecenter.org/teamchallenge/
>> DIY web oddness <<
YTMND is a site that lets anyone put up a short
sound clip and accompanying picture. Anyone.
The inevitable result of letting the nerds loose:
minimalist genius. Here are three of the best:
Vader's "Nooooo" running joke continues; a short
clip of 'Mike Tyson's Punchout'; and corporate
burger apologist Ronald McD with a new message
for us all.
http://vaderfortune.ytmnd.com/
http://niggastolemybike.ytmnd.com/
http://everyoneaids.ytmnd.com/
>> Pregnant animal pics <<
We started on this site wondering "What sort of
freak collects pictures of pregnant animals?" Then
we thought "Awww. Pregnant doggies." Then, again, we
wondered what sort of freak amasses such a large
collection of pregnant animal pictures...
http://wolfbar.servemp3.com/preganimal/
>> Indignant pup <<
Possibly a contender for Cute Thing of the week,
but the real appeal is in the absolute look of
dismay on the poor little dog's face. Also worth
a look if you too need a Santa costume for your
dog.
http://snipurl.com/fng6
>> iPod toilet <<
In a little dig at the Apple Mac community, this
guy has scooped the gubbins out of one of those
little mac minis and turned it into a toilet-roll
dispenser. Take that you geeks!
http://www.bit-tech.net/news/2005/06/10/itoilet_mo...
>> "Am I normal?" <<
Incredibly bad place to go to for advice: post
your story and random web users tell you if
you're normal or not. Like they'd know. We did
enjoy this gem though. "Whenever I see a picture
of bell (sic) gibson I get real horny and then
I go over to my dogs, make them roll over and
then I stare at their balls for an hour. its
like I'm in a trance or something, the weird thing
is I am a straight guy who is married." Normal.
http://isitnormal.com/normal.php
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: SOMETHING TO MAKE
Origami Yoda
It's British summertime out there, but, just in
case it rains, here's something cool to make.
We're pretty lazy though - can someone make us
one and send it in. We admit, that's largely
why we featured this...
http://www.pajarita.org/aep/internacionales/intern...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby leopard behind the sofa
A leopard about the house, playing in the kitchen,
running down the stairs, hiding behind the couch.
Who could resist? We want one now!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fuzzybutt/15177234/in...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Woman mask man
Jessica Trance welcomes you to his world of
illusion: A gallery of him dressed as a lady
and wearing a particularly alarming mask of
a girl's face. What makes it unusually
disturbing is that it has completely flat
features, "to enhance the effect" as he explains
in his surprisingly engaging write-up.
http://www.jessicatrance.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Inside Factories' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us how things
are really made.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/factories/
We asked b3ta boarder Mutated Monty to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Monty writes -
#1 "Fluffy balls - Brilliant, ridiculous and
entirely plausible. So much so that I now
believe it to be true. (Spacehog)
www.b3ta.com/board/4761722
#2 "Crunchy nob-collars - I can't help but
laugh at mutilated penises, even when I'm
eating them. (burger breath)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4757186
#3 "Mushy Peas - A work of pure joy and
loveliness. It even makes me forget how
horrible mushy peas are." (giant_squid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4766904
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator has demanded
"Celebrities and Their Pets"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritypets/
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: CD BURN
Songs to never make love by
* Too much drama - Chariots of Fire
* Too needy - God Only Knows What I'd Be
Without You
* Dribbling penis metaphor - While My Guitar
Gently Weeps
* Making her paranoid - You're the One For
Me Fatty
* Too celebratory - Simply the Best / We Are
the Champions
* The wrong kinda of sleazy - I Wanna Sex You Up
* Just bestial - My Lovely Horse
* Too much like gay role-play - You Think You're a
Man
* Roobarb & Custard theme - makes you want a poo.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TIE-DYE FAKE TAN - Screw your face up and
liberally tan spray. The result should make
your face look like a well-worn leather
sofa.
* POO WHISK - take a large dump and put a
hand-held liquidiser into the bowl. That'll
teach it.
* LACTO MAN BLOG - men can produce milk with
a combination of nipple stimulation and
female hormones. Chart your progress.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by rich_tea2000, chthonic,
deus_ed, pippy, llamalifter, king.speen,
TooMuch2AM, mrtinybrain, LunaticInTheHall,
Mwongozi, Lurchajn and *not logged in*
Top Tippery by WhoElse
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the leaky b4ta plumbers. (103109 - 26768)
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TOP TIP:
When you're washing windows, use a vertical motion
on one side, and a horizontal motion on the other.
This way, you can tell which side any streaks are
left on! Took us a while to actually figure out,
but a clever trick.
