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This Week:
* STUNT - Will "Wolf boy" win Baby The Of Year?
* ANIM - Cocks from Space
* VIDEO - Tom Cruise kills Oprah

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 187 - 24 Jun 2005

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  Play real-life Monopoly

  Become a money-grabbing landlord. Choose one of
  18 GPS-fitted cabs as your playing piece, buy
  your properties upfront, then wait for the cash
  to roll in when the other cabbies drive past
  them. It's free; you get 24 hours, £15 million
  and profit updates every 15 minutes.

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Wolf boy & cocks from space

  >> Wolf boy of the year <<
  "I've entered my local newspapers Baby of the
  Year competition", writes CCC, "with my
  photoshopped son, Juanzo - well, blow me...they
  printed it today." Huzzah! We're giggling like
  loons. We also want you, dear readers, to vote
  for him so CCC can win the coveted "bronze foot"

  >> Cocks from space <<
  "It's my parody take on the whole War of the
  Worlds thing happening at the moment.",
  shouts Koit, "What can I say ? - I'm immature."
  Yes. Koit is. And that's why we love you.


  Amazon error

  Ben writes -

    "This is a mail I got from Amazon...

    "Dear Customer,

    "We are sorry to report that the following item
    has been delayed.

    "Jim Carroll, Rick Broadhead "Selling Online:
    How to Become a Successful E-commerce Merchant

    "Our current estimate is that it will take
    an additional 4-6 weeks to obtain this item
    for you."
  Ha! Made us laugh anyway.


  There was no need for that...

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for incidents in which insult
  had been added to injury:

  #1 "I had just traumatically split up with my
     boyfriend of 4 years. To give us both a bit
     of space, I went to meet my Mum and Dad at
     their local hoping for some tender loving care.
     The 'rents were fine, but the family dog got
     a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at
     my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline
     of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it
     down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at
     large. There was no need for that. There was
     also no need for my Mum and Dad to burst out
     laughing, thereby drawing attention to my
     deperate attempts to put myself away. There
     was certainly no need for the pensioner in
     the corner to raise his glass to me and doff
     his cap..." (clapper)
  #2 "My dad and his mates on the way back from the
     pub saw a hiker in a nearby field gripping
     onto a pylon and shaking like a shitting dog.
     The horror slowly dawned on them - quick as pissed
     lightening, my dad's mate Steve yelled 'I know
     what to do here - stay back!', wrenched a big
     fuck-off plank from a nearby fence, ran over
     and brought it down as hard as he could on the
     guy's outstretched, pylon-clutching arm. The result
     was a blood-curdling scream, a shattered humerus,
     and Steve having to explain to the police why
     he'd smashed the arm of a radio mast engineer
     who'd stepped in a massive cow pat whilst
     crossing the field and had been innocently
     leaning on the tethering cable trying to shake
     the worst of it off his welly." (grey kid)
  #3 "I was 14 and was rushed to hospital with a burst
     appendix and acute peritonitis. With my mum sat by
     the bed, a nurse put the curtains round and handed
     me a (small) bowl of shaving foam and a razor.
     "What's that for?" I asked in my weakened state.
     "I need to shave your pubic hair before the
     operation," she replied, before lifting up the
     hospital gown, looking for a minute, considering,
     then saying "Actually, I think you'll be OK as
     you are." Great, I'm actually at death's door and
     I've just been informed I'm underdeveloped. While
     my mum is in the room, sat right next to me. Nurses,
     next time some kid is in your ward and might not
     make it, don't give him a puberty complex as his
     last living memory." (Wascally Weasel)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell what you are an expert in.
  We know all about the drinking and wanking - we
  are much more interested in the tedious things
  you know far too much about. Talk to us in a
  continuous monotone here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Fuck Japan <<
  Kids drawings - so cute. This bunch of adorable
  little Korean tykes has done little paintings
  of how just much they hate Japan. Generally,
  this seems to hinge on bombs, but there is a
  fair helping of gigantic turds in there too.
  Just lovely. And they're proudly displayed on
  a subway wall.

  >> Inspired product endorsement <<
  "The bike folds, it's metal thing that bends,
  who bends metal things?" You can practically see
  the wheels turning in the ad execs' heads. We can
  only salute them for getting Uri Geller. Given
  the bending theme though, we can only wonder that
  David Beckham wasn't asked...

  >> Shopping list confidential <<
  Perhaps you'll think twice about throwing away
  your shopping list after you've finished with it.
  This bloke collects them, scans them and sticks
  them on the web with his comments. We like the
  peculiar little insights he has into peoples'
  lives, particularly when it comes to washing.

  >> Tom Cruise kills Oprah <<
  What appears to be actual footage of rogue actor
  Tom Cruise using his cruel, Scientology-derived
  powers to destroy Oprah Winfrey. Yes, the special
  effects really are that convincing.  

  >> Curious nerd see-saw <<
  This one is hard to describe - a chap (almost
  certainly Dutch) has rigged up a contraption
  with a lever and counterweights so he can move
  about like he's on the moon, but looks like
  he's about to be bummed by a robot. For that
  reason alone we want one for ourselves.

  >> Funny cloud corner <<
  Mammatus clouds: What a  curious thing they are.
  Hanging, bulgily in the sky, looking like
  nothing so much as God's piles. Mammatus cloud
  fact: If you are looking at them, it may well mean
  you've just had a tornado. Something to bear in
  mind, UK readers.


  penguin and poorly mouse

  Extrovert penguin - dancing up and down with
  delight. He can barely wait to play in the

  So what's cuter than cute? Cute with a broken
  leg of course. Aww... the little kangaroo mouse.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Results from the 'Celebrity Pets' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us celebrities
  and their pets

  We asked b3ta boarder giant_squid to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  giant_squid writes -

  #1 "The Beatles' Dogs - See how the nuances
      of each Beatle are perfectly captured in
      their canine equivalents, and take a
      look at the bonus picture: Queen's pet
      spider (Smallbrainfield)

  #2 "Blessed headswaps - Headswaps were the
      order of the day in this week's competition,
      but few were as effective as these evocations
      of what must surely be the loudest ape
      and cat on the planet respectively, so
      a joint second place it is!
      (Oboklob and WiL)

  #3 "Calista Flockhart's Parrot - With joint
      2nd I suppose it's actually 4th, but
      a simple yet humorous picture of an 
      emaciated bird... and her pet parrot.
      Boom! Boom! (Zak McFlimby)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta fuhrer Rob asked us to come
  up with ideas for the b3ta 404 page. We'll
  take the best ideas and put them on the real
  page. Woo!


  Scary pencil drawings / How to make Ginger Beer

  >> Scary pencil drawings <<
  "I need people to send me interesting names to
  play with", demands Kallus, "so I can draw them.
  I'm here naked and aroused...." And so we'll
  cut off his email her before it gets too
  disturbing. But to be honest, that's why we're
  sticking this item in. Kallus's art is freaky
  and wrong, and looks like the work of the
  mentally ill. Enjoy.

  >> Ginger Beer Recipe <<
  "It's summer time and the weather's hot"
  beams jonas, "so what could be better than a
  nice cool refreshing glass of ginger beer?
  Nothing that's what. So I made some." Woo.
  It had never occurred to us that you could
  actually make ginger beer at home, we're


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOME-MADE 'DAS KEYBOARD' - a few weeks ago we
    featured a keyboard with no markings - meant
    for uber-nerds to confuse the uninitiated.
    FuntingCoggles was inspired to build his own
    - strictly on the cheap. He's actually
    rearranged the keys and tried to make rude
    words. That ought to do it.

  * ORIGAMI YODA - we called for people to make
    one and the lovely Hidden Dragon has obliged
    us. It looks like it was very hard to do.

  * IS IT JUST US that sing improvisational songs
    when we open our favourite websites? we asked
    our readers. Jess Ausculture replies, "Sadly no.
    I've spent the last two weeks singing 'Ain't no
    party like a Technorati.'" Hee hee, and now we
    will too.

  * FUNNY WORDS - thedog tells us that in Neil
    Simon's play, The Sunshine Boys, Willy, a main
    character, gives his nephew a lecture about

    "Fifty-seven years in this business, you learn
    a few things. You know what words are funny and
    which words are not funny. Alka Seltzer is funny.
    You say "Alka Seltzer" you get a laugh... Words
    with "k" in them are funny. Casey Stengel, that's
    a funny name. Robert Taylor is not funny. Cupcake
    is funny. Tomato is not funny. Cookie is funny.
    Cucumber is funny. Car keys. Cleveland...
    Cleveland is funny. Maryland is not funny. Then,
    there's chicken. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny."

    "K sounds are good because they comfort us and
    we associate them with childhood... cuddle, cosy,
    cootchie coo (k sounds). When public speaking or
    telling jokes the more K sounds you use the
    more the audience warms to you."

    Therefore 'sword', 'salamander' and 'pumpkin'.
    Only one is funny: 'Pumpkin.'

  * GAY DOG RETRACTION - stupid_american_chick is
    sad that we called her dog gay in Issue 185.
    He is still in the closet to you then - that's
    very sad.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * NEW RESTAURANT - the pick-your-own-lobster
    deal at the nicer restaurants needs to be
    extended to encompass more animals. Lamb,
    for example.

  * CAFEPRESS OF RINGTONES - why doesn't someone
    set up a site where small website owners can
    upload their own ringtones and wallpapers 
    and flog them on phones? Yes we know there's
    millions of sites who sell tones, but people
    don't want to have to go to bloody meetings,
    and have stuff approved. They just want to 
    upload and go. There you go. That's a business
    plan for you.
   Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by cat, Dr Frank, rwillmsen, p.hickford,
  tcm148 and BiggsteR
  Top Tippery by Wat Dabney
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the chirpy b4ta chimps.
  (103256 - 26953)

  When you're boiling an egg, put some vinegar
  (about 10-20ml) in the water. The shell will
  become a lot easier to peel.

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