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This Week:
* COMPO - Win a Voodoo Trombone Quartet CD
* MINI FEATURE - Jingle watch
* MAKE - Harold Shipman figurines

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 188 - 1 Jul 2005

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  Create, sell or buy unique t-shirts and gifts 

  From the crazy minds of B3ta to Crazy Frog fans
  you can purchase some cool threads, mugs, bags
  or mouse mats on Sp!ce today!

  If you fancy selling YOUR ideas then why not
  set up a shop with us for free and we'll sell
  them on your behalf!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Shiper-likes, Voodoo CD, Burnt face man & Walken

  >> Shipman/granny celebratory tableau <<
  Serial-killing rogue doctor Harold Shipman isn't
  in the news so much these days and that's a damn
  shame. But thanks to the beneficence of YourAllGay
  you can create your own Shipmanesque scenarios
  for the amusement of the whole family (nan maybe

  >> Voodoo Trombone Quartet Compo <<
  Long-time readers will remember Thorpe and
  his Voodoo Trombone Quartet. "I've finally
  finished album after about 2 years", he
  exclaims, " and seeing as b3ta was responsible
  for getting the early tracks around the web
  and consequently signed, I'd like to run a
  competition to give away a couple of copies."
  Right, complete the tie-breaker "3G phones
  are crap because..." and send your entries
  to [email protected] and
  we'll announce the funniest answers next week.
  You can also order the album and listen to
  a couple of MP3s on his site. Well done, our 
  kid! We're looking forward to the concerts

  >> Burnt face man returns <<
  From the mighty brain of David Firth springs
  another senses-shattering episode of...
  Burnt Face Man. This is funny, funny stuff.
  The clip for 'next episode' is particularly

  >> Scary faces <<
  "A few months ago The Grauniad did a feature
  on Christopher Walken in the Weekend magazine",
  quoth dogwonder, "The front cover featured
  a particularly large and disturbing picture
  of said man. We decided that it would be funny
  to cut the picture out and use it as a mask."
  Woo. You and your friends look scary.
  Especially the pregnant Walken.


  Three of the worst

  A few weeks back we asked you to send us
  crap advertising jingles based upon re-workings
  of popular songs.

  However, you mostly ignored us, and sent us
  entirely the wrong stuff. However, it was all
  insanely great anyway so who cares?

  >> Amateur voice overs <<
  "I work in radio", whispers Phil, "and sometimes
  clients insist on either voicing, or making,
  their own commercials. This is one of the latter,
  the very end cracks me up every time."

  >> Handi Gandhi <<
  Apparently a recording for an Australian
  curry sauce, this jingle might offend Hindus.
  And make Australians a little embarrassed too.

  >> Yum Yum Bumblebee Tuna <<
  For the revolting mental image alone, this
  jingle is a stomach-churning classic.


  I'm an expert

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted to know what you were
  really, really good at:

  * Car fault diagnosis by smell
    "My turn to do morning dog walks last week,
     so I drove to the park in my wife's newly
     purchased car. On return, I noticed a wet
     patch on ground where it had originally been
     parked. Worried that patch could be oil,
     water, clutch/brake fluid etc, I went back,
     picked up handful of wet gravel, and used
     my powers of nasal deduction... Yep, it was
     a leak alright - the dog had pissed against
     wheel earlier." (BeatsWork)
  * Breasts 
    "I'm an expert in convincing pervy old men
     that I am in fact a blonde, big breasted 18
     year old called Laura... I bore easily."
  * Blood splatter
    "My step father is a forensic scientist.
     When I was 16 I threatened to commit suicide.
     Rather than whisking me off to the therapist
     like a normal person, he made me study the
     blood splatter of people who killed themselves.
     One hour a night for three weeks I'd go
     through pictures of the blood splatter and
     write down how I thought they died. I still
     want to kill myself...but now once I'm done
     I can figure out how I did it." (Kireland786)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about any hidden treasure
  you've found. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Rainbow manga <<
  Akira-style cartoon strip homage to Rainbow.
  What would have happened in the house if Zippy,
  George and Bungle et al carried on. This week:
  their difficult teenage years begin... 

  >> Sheep hymn <<
  Oh, The stirring chords of William Blake's 
  'Jerusalem', calling on us to forge a new
  paradise here in the UK. But what's this you
  say? Not people singing but sheep? And they
  want us to visit the Lake District? We laughed
  despite ourselves.

  >> Bouncy bouncy broken limbs lady <<
  Somehow hypnotic; you control the bikini-clad
  lovely as she plummets through a skyscape of
  shiny, rubbery spheres. It is, however, a bit
  gruesome, the way she just flops round like
  all her joints have just given way.

  >> Googlepants <<
  Okay, so it's official google merchandise but
  what a great idea. Get closer to these snazzy
  pants. What does the recurring text say? That's
  right, "I feel lucky."

  >> Old-style ASCII art <<
  There's nothing quite as stupid as the mirth of
  interweb nerds. Relive the glory days of lol, rofl,
  lmao and many many more, captured here in glorious
  2-frame animated stylee.

  >> Farts 'On Air' <<
  Ever wonder what the news-readers do when the
  lights go down in the news studio at the end of
  the show? On the basis of this clip, they let
  use the chance to let excess gas out of their
  bottoms. Something to consider next time you're
  watching Trevor MacDonald. 


  Kitten Princess, snuggly bats

  Like some feline fairy godmother has visited, it's
  impressive just how bewildered this little kitten
  is with her new regal headgear. 

  Gammy old goths will go gooey for these baby
  vampire bats. They're just so cute: "Pleeease
  feed us. Us hungry, need blood."

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Funny names returns

  >> Dick Spatulas <<
  Have you ever had problems getting grime out
  of those 'hard to reach' places? Perhaps you
  should give these a try...

  >> S-CAT <<
  It's a catalogue-based government procurement
  agency. Oh, but the name hints at unusual
  extracurricular activities.


  Caffeine, Jesus, Birds & Bunnies

  >> Aargh - caffeine! <<
  "I spent last night making special coffee,"
  quavers a shaky Mr Ikasu. "That is to say,
  coffee made with Red Bull in place of water.
  Oh and some Pro Plus added in for good
  measure." Christ. We're not sure how much
  caffeine it would take to kill you, but
  a couple of these should see you right. Any

  >> The fruit of Jesus <<
  "I," bellows lardpig grandiloquently, "have found
  Somerfield store in Ashby, Leicestershire. Of
  course, the first thing I did was list it on eBay."
  Of course.

  >> Bird-catching balloonists <<
  Control the cats in their rickety whisk-
  powered flying machine, as they sashay
  round the sky trying to net as many birds
  as they can. Don't let the little buggers
  pop you with their beaks though. Charming
  piece of gamefoolery here from top b3tard

  >> Bunny explode! <<
  "Hello all, it's been a while!", hollers Rogan,
  "I wanted to make something that would appeal
  equally to people who love cute little bunny
  rabbits and people who hate them. Hopefully
  there's something for everyone here." Hmm.


  Results from the B3ta 404 Page Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted your ideas for the b3ta 404

  We asked b3ta boarder The Neville to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Neville writes -

  #1 "Spaghetti Monster - Squiggles are fun. And
      Mr. A's squiggles are even more fun. This
      image just seems to encapsulate the frustrations
      and anger which one would experience when
      encountering a 404 error page. Here, you can
      see the protagonist visibly shaking in his
      little boots with pure, incandescent rage.
      Hoot! (Mr A)

  #2 "Star Wars - Well,it's probably the most
      obvious joke, but the simple fact that an
      extra pun has been forced in, at no extra
      charge to yourself, the lucky consumer! Makes
      it all the more worthwhile, and it looks nice
      too. Bazoo! (gravytrain)

  #3 "Baby Hurting Action! - What's this? JJ not
      drawing sexy ladies? Well, good thing too,
      because this lovely surreal bit of thing right
      here made me vibrate with glee. Just the sort
      of thing people should be forced to look at
      constantly! (Jolly Jack)"

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator laid down the
  law and demanded, "Penguins Vs Monkeys"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GINGER BEER - Tracey Griffen writes, "Thank
    you for the fabby ginger beer recipe. I was so
    excited I made some on Friday afternoon, and
    by Saturday night my happy boyfriend and I
    were enjoying the gingeriness of it with a big
    measure of Mount Gay Golden rum. What a
    combination!" Sounds tasty, tho we'd probably
    drink it on the name alone...

  * PHALLIC LOGO - huzzah, a real-life logo designer
    has got in touch. "Hope you like the logo I designed
    for you," writes nohomo. We do, mate, we do.

  * 'PICK YOUR OWN' MEAT - "My cousin John worked
    in South Korea for Lockheed Martin," notes Denise
    "While the government officially outlawed
    selling dogs as food, a good part of their
    economy is based at the village market level and
    you can purchase dog from street vendors the
    same way you would buy poultry at the supermarket.
    "Part of what drives this is a cultural perception
    that eating dog increases one's luck and, despite
    massive amounts of "Don't Eat Dog" propaganda, the
    authorities cannot do much to stop it.

    "Anyways, John walked past a puppy mill before
    he understood the way things worked and decided
    he wanted to bring a terrier home as a pet. The
    owner took his money, carried the dog inside and
    a few minutes later brought it back to him in 
    the form of cutlets. Heartbroken, John ended up
    trading the meat for one of Korea's terrific
    knock-off guitars, which he used to write a
    song remembering the slain puppy."
    We're sure that's the way he'd have wanted it...

    Coldfusion, such a bold fusion
    Database, you've got the cutest little database 
    Mozilla yourself at home
    FTP, it's easy as 1-2-3



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TRAIN MAGNETS - following on from the guy
    who put magnets under his skin the other
    week, why not embed an Oyster card chip
    in your hands and see how it works?

  * TESLA COOKING - could you fry an egg with
    a Tesla coil? Surely we've got readers
    with access to such technology. Please
    make your tesla dreams come true.

  * FUNNY STUFF - we heard some bloke on the 
    radio going, "Twenty four hours hath Sunday
    and twenty four hours hath Monday. Tuesday
    and Wednesday hath twenty four, Thursday
    and Friday the same, no more. Saturday
    hath twenty four hours too, in fact they
    all hath twenty four, the whole week
    through." More stuff like this please.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by graeme_kirk,  dngdng, chris,
  The Ginger Poolie, dhughes, 12 people who sent
  in the tetka link (Lurkingbon, Lynette has issues,
  Makerojam, iantullis, dan, frambooz, diamonkn,
  gigerpunk, closetgumby, fraser and memorisethis),
  jakazid, kmkrazyk beaupepys, adam.rutherford,
  skapunkmonk, & ed.rowland.
  Top Tippery by spanishcatfish, Rev Jesse Custer
  and chief ginger sorbet-maker Nick.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the b4ta snail munchers.
  (103411 - 26959)

  Triple tip extra value pack
  * Midnight toilet trick
  When you have to use the toilet in the middle
  of the night, close one eye and keep it shut
  for the entire duration that you have the
  bathroom light on. That way, when you turn
  the light off you will have one eye left that
  isn't accustomed to the light and won't have
  to fumble you way through the blinding darkness
  back into your now-cold bed.

  * Anti-fizz countermeasures
  You could fill a whole book with the tips we get
  about fizzy drinks. Here's another: to stop
  your drinks bubbling up when you pour them into
  a glass, first wash the glass out with cold water.

  * Ginger-peeling - advanced level
  When peeling ginger (possibly for last week's 
  ginger beer recipe), run the edge of a teaspoon
  along the ginger root. This pulls the skin off
  cleanly with very little of the flesh, and you
  need only trim the gnarled bits with a knife.
  It's actually much, much quicker than peeling
  with a knife, and saves far more of the succulent

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