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This Week:
* FOOD - Garden snail risotto
* MORE FOOD - Unexpected cheese combos
* ENDLESS FOOD - What's in your fridge?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're eating the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    ...as part of a calorie
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    controlled diet"
B3ta email 192 - 05 Aug 2005

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  Sports game & buddyPing
  >> Waggle it, just a little bit <<
  B3ta readers are renowned for their well-honed
  digits. But are you finger-fit enough to win
  a spanking new digital camera, or an iPod
  mini? Fingers ready... Set... Go... Play now
  with the Observer Sport Monthly.

  >> Track your drinking mates with buddyPing <<
  Are you Billy No-mates? Fed up of drinking
  yourself into a stupor all alone? Do something
  about it and find what your friends are up to
  using buddyPing. It lets you know where they
  are, what they are up to and what the best
  deals are in the pubs and clubs around you
  on your mobile for free.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Frasers snail snack & new CCC newspaper hoax

  >> Eating garden pests <<
  According to the French, if the snail wears his
  "horns" high, tomorrow will be fine weather.
  According to Fraser, it's dinner time. Our
  resident povo gourmet has been gathering slimey
  pests from his garden and preparing them for
  the pot. BTW: Fraser is organising an African
  bushmeat barbecue this weekend (complete with 
  zebra-burgers) and thank God we're going to
  a wedding instead.

  >> Mangled animal newspaper stunt <<
  God bless CCC, he clearly does no work in
  his office as he's been spoofing his local
  papers again. This week's trick - entering
  digitally disfigured beasts into a 'cutest
  pet' competition. Sadly, he's been rumbled
  but the expose article is worth a read, he's 
  apparently forced the judges to conduct
  "forensic tests" on all further entries.


  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On having had too many eclairs at an office
    party - "I can't handle all this cream, does
    anyone want to lick my box out?"

  * Phoning tech support about a stuck key
    on a keyboard  - "I'm having problems with
    my colon."

  * Upon noticing an unfamiliar name in an email
    'Who's Randy?'

   Send your accidental quimnuendos to 


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Star Wars in Engrish <<
  An oldie, but a goodie; this guy got hold of a
  Chinese pirate DVD of Revenge of the Sith. The
  disc has English subtitles (translated from the
  Chinese). Can this really be the same flick?
  Can you place the line, "He big in nothing,
  important in good elephant"?

  >> Ketchup crapper <<
  Brilliant idea; a nimble robot that whizzes up
  across the table and takes a big shit of ketchup
  all over your dinner. We like the excessive
  snickering all the way through this video. Clearly
  the inventors were surprised by the funniness of
  their ungainly creation.

  >> Post your fridge <<
  We're always quite interested looking at other
  peoples' shopping in the supermarket. This takes
  things one stage further and lets you look inside
  other peoples' fridges. What's the story with the
  guy with nothing but fizzy drink, all in neat little
  rows? Child molester.

  >> Floating cats <<
  We're in awe of this amazing high-speed
  photography of moggies leaping. They look
  like they're in zero-gravity with velcro paws.
  We also wish Rocky the b3ta cat would get off
  his fat arse and leap for ham.

  >> Misheard circumcision lyric <<
  The Finnish version of the Duck Tales theme
  sounds very much, to an English-speaker's
  ear, like an anti-circumcision song. The joy
  of this is that the less likely the lyrics,
  the more plausible they seem when you hear the
  actual tune. Altogether now, "And Sanskrit
  ain't got hoot to say 'bout uncut! Oohh!"


  How can something so wrong taste so good? 

  * GORGONZOLA & FROSTIES - Baron Greenback
    writes, "One night at uni all we could find to
    eat was gorgonzola & Frosties. The taste
    sensation was amazing, the only time in my life
    I have experienced visuals from something I've
    eaten. (what a lie -- ed.)

    "Take a small piece of the cheese followed by
    a clump of Frosties in the mouth & chew
    together - simply divine. Justified by: Milk
    is one step away from cheese (you have milk
    on Frosties) and Frosties are one step away
    from biscuits (you have cheese & biscuits)."

  * ALMOST CHEESECAKE - Red-haired umlaut Rob
    adds, "Oddly enough, I invented a new dish
    the other day: hobnobs + laughing cow cheese
    triangles = almost cheesecake. Suprisingly
    moreish and almost delicious.

  Do you have any unusual food combinations that
  you've previously reserved for your private
  enjoyment? Please share.


  It's funny names corner

  >> Spanner <<
  "An organization dedicated to improving the
  quality of life for young people with
  developmental disabilities." But it's called
  SPANNER. Err, do they actually know that that's
  slang word for 'thickie'? Or is it just clever
  viral spack-marketing?

  >> David Ponce <<
  B3ta gives a hearty welcome to the new tech blog
  Gizmodo editor, David Ponce. He'll be reviewing
  iPods and living off the immoral earnings of
  prostitutes. Presumably.


  Weird Traditions

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for strange traditions:

  * Xmas Tradition
    "I live in a city with a large transient
    population of workers. There was a tradition
    at one place to pick up and take the biggest
    horror to the xmas bash, the winner getting a
    prize. One year a new guy chatted up a
    pig-in-knickers in a local bar at the start of
    December. They were getting on like a house on
    fire till he dropped the question of inviting
    her to said do, when she decked him and said
    "You Cunt, I won it last year." (montyzuma)
  * Best tradition ever...
    "is the so called "Clausen-Treiben". St Nicolas
    Day (Dec 6th) evening young men in our village
    dress up in wild costumes made of fur, animals
    heads and antlers, wearing large cow bells around 
    their waist and carrying wooden sticks. After dark
    they start roaming the village beating up EVERYONE 
    they see on the streets. They go from house to
    house, ask for a drink (which they usually get)
    until they are drunk (which takes quite a while).
    It is based on a medieval tradition meant to fight
    the ghosts of winter. It is quite a shitty
    tradition if you are the one who gets beaten up
    though. To give you an idea I've uploaded a photo."

  * Military is grand for Tradition...
    ..."but by the strangest of all the traditions in
    my regiment was a decision making process for
    cleaning up spent shells when on exercise. We'd
    just shot a few thousand rounds between us, with
    spent cartidges littering up the shooting bays.
    The method of deciding which half of the squad
    had to clean them up was simple - all the grunts
    would lie on their backs, kick their legs in the
    air and the first one to fart would be the team
    who got first back to the NAAFI for tea, whilst
    the rest would be on their hands and knees for
    the best part of an hour picking up spent
    ordanance. Happy days...." (Waynster)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the worst prizes
  you've won. Talk to us here:

  Results from the Power Strike Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
  Last week we wanted you to show us a world
  without electricity:
  We asked b3ta boarder 'Mofaha' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.
  Mofaha writes -
  #1 "Plasma ball - This was probably the most
      original entry in the challenge. It's a
      beautifully-made image, but really it's the
      idea that wins it for this one. Superb.
      (The Coast of Yemen)
  #2 "Microsoft Windows - This made me giggle
      like a schoolgirl for some reason. I don't
      know, there's just something perfect about
      Bill as a windows salesman. He looks so
      proud and hopeful standing there with his
      demonstration model in his hand.
  #3 "Doctor Jones - I like bad puns and I cannot
      lie. And these really are some bad puns. Plus
      the picture's very funny, and the cat is
      great. (JoeB)
  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us to
  imagine life with Jim Davidson, Britain's top 
  family entertainer, as Prime Minister:



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  *  KITTENS WITH AIDS - a comic strip. "Oh noes!
     I've got super aids. I'll be dead within a
     week" mewed Tumbles.

  *  3-PIN RABBITS - PeterJ writes,"Ever wondered
     why new electrical gadgets come with a plastic
     thing that covers the three pins of the plug
     (in the UK)? Put the long (earth) pin-cover
     in your mouth, leave the other two outside
     and you look like a rabbit. I discovered
     this with my children, and planned to send
     a photo, but after a bit of playing around we
     couldn't find the plastic bit. I expect one
     of them swallowed it." Anybody else fancy
     risking their childrens' health to provide
     us a few moments' amusement on an idle Friday?

  *  ARABIC PUB ROCK THING - Arabic is read from
     right to left. We'd like to see a group of
     traditional Arabic musicians tackle a bit of
     Quo, by playing the music from right to left.
     It would probably sound shit. But, hey, you
     never know.
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by fredsotheremail,  adam_coglan,
  ben_dadds, pep, dezh,  chetchez, philevans,
  Laughing Boy,  ozz1lla, Wayland_smithy, muteboy
  nattyplatypus, mooreeasyvibe, crayongirl and
  Mr Wheatley. 
  Top Tippery by icklepeach and blattermaus.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the picky b4ta pickles. 
  (104245 - 27855)

  NERD JOKE: What sits on your shoulder and goes
  'Pieces of seven'? A parroty error.


  If long hair clogs your drain, squirt Veet
  (formerly known as Immac) down the plug, leave
  for 3 mins and rinse - fixed!

  Fool your mates into thinking you have just
  eaten a yummy jam tart, simply by rubbing your
  belly and saying "Mmmm, that was a yummy
  jam tart."

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