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This Week:
* CUTE - Best sleepy dog ever
* EGGS - Where babies really come from?
* McDONALDS - Filthy photos

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 193 - 12 Aug 2005

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  Lost online coming to Channel4.com

  Channel 4's most exciting online experience to
  date is here. To accompany the blockbuster
  television series Lost, Channel4.com is
  bringing you a whole new perspective on the

  Engage with the characters, see their dreams...
  discover some of the secrets of Lost.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On being accused of filching boyfriend's
  Woolworths vouchers for clothes - "If I could
  get into a 10 year old girl's jeans I wouldn't
  be sat here with you." In a packed family pub.

  * Upon entering a famous Leeds gay club and
  checking my pocket for cigarettes before handing
  my coat in to the cloakroom - "Oooh. There's
  more fags in here than I thought"
  * On being offered some food by a friend's sexy
  mum, replying: "I don't want to eat you out..."
  (drops tea on lap and forgets to say "of house
  and home")
  Keep them coming:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Egg babies <<
  Tiny little perfectly-formed babies, encased in
  a delicate egg-shell. Yes, absolutely vile is
  right. All it needs is one bursting out of its
  shell, squealing and covered in slimy mucus.

  >> AIDS! <<
  Ever since reading on some random blog, "My
  mother hates London, she says it gave my
  brother AIDS" we've become obsessed with the
  word AIDS. It's a childish trigger we know,
  and we're complete idiots of course, but
  phrases like "no, I don't like it, it's got
  AIDS" or "I don't think it's colic, he's
  just got a bit of baby AIDS" are two-a-penny
  at B3ta HQ. Hence our infantile enjoyment
  of this 1970s advert for a slimming product
  called Ayeds. Close enough for us, and the
  dialogue is to die for.

  >> JCB song <<
  Lovely style animation about getting a ride
  in your dad's JCB and causing a traffic jam.
  Gently nostalgic and not too bad at all.

  >> Balancing Point <<
  The music's relaxing, the camera trickery is
  clever - these guys knocked down piles of
  stones then reversed the film. Slow start,
  but pretty funny when the short guy starts
  making like some sort of stone-stacking
  magic ninja.

  >> Celebrity blu-tak <<
  Don't know what the brainwave was behind this
  little cottage industry. But if you're wanting
  a blu tak sculpture of a random celebrity, this
  is clearly the premier place for it.

  >> McFilth <<
  Here's what looks to be a behind-the-counters
  expose of the dirt and squalor you get free
  when you order a burger from a popular High
  Street fast food chain. Frankly, you might
  as well eat at home.


  Because all web design is shit

  >> River Thames moved <<
  FACT: Along the 213-mile long Thames, a body
  is retrieved from the river on average every
  week. FACT: Your average life expectancy on
  falling in the Thames is two minutes. However,
  you're in luck, the Thames has now moved. Yay.

  >> The Shining school of Web Design <<
  Apparently this woman has taken the Jack Torrence
  (the Shining) web design class.


  Sleepy dog

  Goth rocker Wayne Hussey once cunningly reworked
  the famous aphorism, "let sleeping dogs lie", as
  "let sleeping dogs die" with the same sort of
  lyrical dexterity that Noel Gallagher used for
  changing "Look Back in Anger" to "Don't Look
  Back in Anger." Anyway. Here's a cute picture
  of a restful pup. Hopefully not owned by Wayne
  Hussey. Why, because then he'd be doomed to
  never wake. Brrrr.


  Innocent messages obscured for merriment

  Sky has recently been screening 'Celebrity
  Mingers', a charming production where handsome
  TV execs point out that our celebrities aren't
  quite as pretty as themselves. We particularly
  enjoyed this accidental cropping of the title;
  our money is on Lisa Tarbuck.


  Konfabulators, James Nesbitt & Soggy biscuit

  >> Konfabulator: B3ta image viewer <<
  A couple of weeks ago we announced Dave Barton's
  lovely Konfabulator widget that allows you to
  view B3ta images on your desktop. He's now
  updated it so that it can view images directly
  from the board and it's quite fantastic.

  Right, so first you need to install
  Then you need to run the widget.

  >> Buy Pep's pixelly James Nesbitt  <<
  James Nesbitt is a smug-faced UK actor, most
  famed for appearing in adverts for a distinctly
  broadband service. B3ta's official designer,
  Pep, was recently commissioned to render him in
  loving pixels for an advertising campaign.
  However the client decided they wanted "something
  a bit less... pixelly." Poor little pixelly James
  is now homeless, can you help?

  >> Soggy biscuit demo <<
  "I've made a video", boasts Gandalf,"where I
  explain how to play the game 'soggy biscuit'
  with a bit of a demonstration added on for
  good measure." We loved this, up until the
  money shot. Remember Gandalf, less is more.


  Crappy Prizes

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for the genuinely rubbish
  things you'd won in competitions:

  * Worst ever meet and greet
    "On the last Britney tour in the US, ten lucky
    winners were invited backstage to meet their
    idol. Overjoyed and dumbstruck with excitement
    they were taken into Miss Spears' dressing room
    where one of her assistants turned on a VCR and
    played a video message thanking them for being
    fans. The video ended with Britney telling the
    fans how much she loved them but was too busy
    to meet them in person." (notquitewithit)
  * The suitcase lottery
    "Airports auction off any unclaimed luggage
    left on their carousel. 'Cause I was a bit pissed
    I decided to bid... I waited for a battered
    looking one to come up and bid thirty quid,
    fully expecting someone to outbid me, but I
    only went and won it! "Wooo!" thought I, "I've
    gone and got myself a suitcase full of treasure.
    It's probably got gold and diamonds and crowns
    and treasure maps in." Looking back, I might
    have been slightly optimistic... The blue,
    slightly knackered suitcase/bag-thing was
    lighter than I expected, but then again, I've
    never picked up a bag full of gold. Got it home,
    broke the lock... Opened it up... Peered inside,
    and found absolutely fuck all. If you ever meet
    someone who says, "I once left an empty suitcase
    at Bristol airport. Ha-ha-ha." can you go
    whoops-upside-his-head for me please, and ask
    for, nay demand, my thirty pounds?" (grr_boy)
  * Long distance Balloons
    "I once entered a competition at a school fete,
    aged about 7, where you tied your name and address
    to a balloon and let it go, and whoever got a reply
    from furthest away within two weeks won a full
    football kit. Most people's never came back, but
    one kid got a reply from an English couple who'd
    found his balloon on a beach resort in Portugal -
    he got the prize. Mine was presumed lost, and
    forgotten about. Forgotten about, that is, until
    about three months later, when I received a shockingly
    abusive letter threatening legal proceedings from
    some red-neck dickhead in South Carolina. Bizarrely,
    he reckoned I owed him about $4,000 in medical
    bills. Turns out he'd fallen from his garage roof
    and shattered his pelvis while trying to remove
    the remnants of my balloon from his TV aerial."
    (grey kid)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We're feeling generous. Give us your teenage
  poetry and we'll make sure the whole world can
  read it. Talk to us here:


  Results from Jim Davidson Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to imagine a world
  in which Jim Davidson was prime minister.

  We asked b3ta boarder steben to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  steben writes -

  #1 "Number Ten - Simply brilliant, picking up
     the topic in such a  subtle way. Not the
     only image that dealt with the white thing,  
     but for me it was the funniest. Awesome
     indeed. (Zak McFlimby)

  #2 "Tonight's Telly - Since almost all the
     Nazi-Hitler-Pictures were a little bit too
     obvious, I give the silver medal to this.
     It just made me giggle. (Pacheypie)

  #3 "Butterfly Brain - I thought about 3rd
     place for a long time. Then I saw this and
     started to laugh. I don't know why, seriously.
     It's a butterfly!" (nhojjohn)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor The Great Architect
  gave us the suggestion, "What acronyms really
  stand for"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    "I frequently have to deal with Remploy, who
    proudly state they are 'Finding Jobs for
    Disabled People'. Of course, no-one in the
    industry has the guts to point out their name
    is a compounding of "Remedial" and "Employ".
    Either the founders were geniuses with a
    black sense of humour or they were fucking
    window lickers."

  * BUCK-TOOTHED FREAKS - last week we asked you
    to photograph your kids chewing plastic
    plug covers, in a sad attempt to emulate
    rabbits. Social Hand Grenade put his daughter
    through the small humiliation:

    Whilst Marty Hopkirk simply photographed



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SHIT / WEIGHT EXPERIMENT - How much food/drink
    does the body actually store? Weigh your
    food as it goes in, and weigh what comes out.
    Take photos. The internet is yours if you
    want it.

  * 'TESCO VALUE' DIET - Can you eat nothing but
    the Tesco Value range for a week without
    becoming a little poorly? With 2 litres of
    cola at 18p and a tin of beans for even
    less, you could eat for a week for about
    a fiver. Or would you die?

  * PLAYING CHICKEN - We were always warned at
    school not to play chicken with cars.
    Spoilsports - it sounds fun. Maybe drive
    your car at the chicken-suited fools that
    hang around outside Nandos.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Jools, offmessage, Mr Gear,
  Mystery Bob, richlight, leo brown, thefoggypoo,
  boot, thehomelessdetective, arksworld, Mr Droll,
  dom, kv, Golden_guns247, FrankZappa174,
  wormburn69, mharrison and Mrs Lizard.
  Top Tippery by this_is_cp and blattermaus.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Fraser as well.
  He's a busy fellah.
  Proofing by the hooded b4ta rapists.
  (104367 - 28036)

  When microwaving soup, avoid scalding your
  fingers, or getting soup on your oven gloves,
  when serving. Simply use two slices of bread
  as insulating gloves - not only will your hands
  be burn-free but you can eat any spillages later!

  Want to find out what a tiny horse would sound
  like? Simply find two halves of pistachio nut
  shell and tap them together.

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