NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 194 - "PEGGING"
This Week:
* CATS - in sinks!
* SONG - The Internet is for porn
* DEATH - Cuddly pet coffins
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 194 - 26 Aug 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue194/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Does this look infected? & Wild Jack
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>> Animal Welfare <<
The International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW)
has released the results of an investigation,
which found over 9,000 wild animals - alive and
dead - for sale on the Internet in just one
week. This trade is causing untold suffering to
millions of animals and pushing endangered
species to the brink of extinction. What we
found will shock you. Check out:
http://snipurl.com/wildjack
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On the late delivery of an infant - "Well no,
no-one wants a tardy baby."
* In a delicatessen - "excuse me, does the
cottage cheese come from your end?"
* On sweeping the floor with a soft broom
borrowed from a work-man, "ask him if he's
got a stiff one?"
Keep them coming.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Spinny album, Scissors, Cats & Goats
>> Scissors Paper Stone <<
The secret of winning Scissor Paper Stone is
to play scissors first. Why? Novice players feel
that stone is the strongest hand, so will often
start the game by counter-acting with paper.
Scissors cut paper, and you're the winner now.
Will it work with Weebl's video version of the
game? Only those playing will find out.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Scissors+Paper+S...
>> Cats in Sinks <<
Cats always sit in the warmest place in the house.
Rocky the b3ta cat likes to sit on the cooker.
Not all cats are so smart, some choose to flout
the kitty convention of fearing water and sit
in the sink. BTW: Does your cat like drinking
toilet water? It's because the tap water you
put down tastes of washing-up liquid. Anyway,
enough facts cribbed from Desmond Morris's
Cat Watching book, just enjoy Fraser's collection
of pictures.
http://catsinsinks.com/
>> Spinny Album art quiz <<
Here's a little history lesson. Your red-haired
umlaut Rob and his architectural-terrorist chum
Doctor Chthonic have a small web-history in
finding available sources of data on the net
and working out how to game them. Examples
include the early b3ta-hit "Which is Better?"
which compared the Google results of contrasting
phrases to settle all possible arguments and
"What's That Song?" which filched audio-clips
from Amazon in a name-that-tune style quiz.
Their latest uses millions of album covers to
produce a guess-the-album-art game. Oh, and
it spins. And it's got annoying music. Huzzah.
http://www.scenta.co.uk/music/crop_of_the_pops.cfm
>> Dance dance gabba goat <<
Last sunday we visited the Kentish Town City
Farm and met a lovely goat called Floppy.
Assuming he was so-called due to his big,
floppy ears, we asked the farmer, expecting
a cute story. We were wrong. Apparently
he's impotent. Poor Floppy. Anyway, here's
Son of Crazymum's version of Dance Dance
Revolution with a pilled-up goat. Perhaps that
was Floppy's problem.
http://www.crazymum.com/goat.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Injured Siblings
Last week we wanted to know just how much
physical and psychological damage you'd caused
your siblings:
http://b3ta.com/questions/injuredsiblings/
* Revenge served smack in the face
"After years and years of suffering pain at
the hands of elder brother - including being
slammed off my parents' bed, having a fish
knife thrown into my skull, thrown down a
flight of stairs into the porch window, and
the 'alphabet game' (I'd be bundled to the
floor, kicked into a small ball with a chair
on my back. He'd then go through the alphabet
and, at the letter R he'd push the chair down
as hard as he could) - I decided to challenge
him one night to a pillow fight. His spotty
face filled with glee as he charged towards me
with his duck feather-filled delight thinking
he was about to give his little brother another
sound beating. I caught him square in the face
as he sprinted forward and knocked the cunt
spark out. He hadn't bargained on me sticking
a 2 inch thick wooden bread board inside my
pillow case. To this day my favourite noise in
the whole wide world is 'thunk'."
(Lets all have an asbo)
* Cunning
"I once persuaded my brother to hold a knife
between the gas cooker hob and the spark
mechanism jobby while I pressed the button.
The shock made him throw the knife into the
ceiling so hard pieces of plaster rained down.
I've never laughed so hard." (donksta)
* I will burn in Hell for this
"My sister is deaf. Once, when she was hoovering,
I pulled the electrical plug out of the socket.
This was unnoticed. I am a bad person."
(The username Username is already in use)
>> This Week's Question <<
We want to know all about your neighbours.
Just how mad are they?
http://b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Cat cyborg <<
When his cat lost the use of his rear-legs in
a tragic truck accident, robot engineer cum
modern-day Dr. Frankenstein, Carlo Bertocchini
knew just what to do: construct a wheeled
sarcophagus to help him regain his mobility.
The poor little kitty - he seems utterly baffled
as to why he's stuck in an uncontrollable,
spinning box. The doctor's missus should watch
out in case he reverses over her 'accidentally'.
http://www.robotcombat.com/video/elvis_hi.mov
>> Vibrating Pope Barometer <<
Gone, but not forgotten - the memory of
Pope John Paul II lives on in the form of
this lovely colour-changing barometer. It's
how he would want to be remembered. Although
quite where the vibrating bit comes in, we
can't imagine. Catholic guilt?
http://www.doomworld.com/metabolist/b3ta/beyond-be...
>> Alan Cumming - The perfume <<
Alan Cumming is one of our favourite
Scottish bisexual actors, appart from Robbie
Coltrane and Sean Connery. Not really sure
if this is a gag or not, but either way it's
pretty funny - a good gift for your uncool,
Simpsons tie-wearing gay friends.
http://cummingthefragrance.com/commercial2.htm
>> The Internet is for porn <<
80% of web traffic is pornography. The other
20% is people looking for porn. Facts that have
been recognised and turned into song by some TV
web puppet twats. Quite possibly the best song
of the year. Time to raise your game, Tina
Turner.
http://forporn.ytmnd.com/
>> Cuddly pet coffins <<
So Tiddles died and you feel lonely? Don't
worry. Why not have him cremated and the ashes
put inside a stuffed toy that you can take to
bed and cuddle up with? Widowers, why not try
sticking your dead wife's ashes up a RealDoll's
rubber cunt? Pretty much the same kind of
thing, no?
http://www.comfortpets.com/
>> Gadget news 1985 <<
Nerd website Engadget decided to celebrate the
20th anniversary of Teen Wolf Too by dedicating
an issue to technology from 1985. "Someday we’ll
all have phones as portable as the 11-pound Mobira
Talkman." It's thrashing the same joke again and
again, but you know what? It's always funny.
http://www.engadget.com/entry/1234000430055334/
>> Film nerd hits back <<
Harry Knowles is the ginger blancmange behind
maverick movie gossip site Aintitcool. Entourage
is an HBO show about the useless hangers-on in
a film star's life. Last week it featured a
character very similar to Mr. Knowles being taken
up the arse by three beautiful dildo-wearing
ladies. Read the response here. BTW: This kind
of sexual act is known as 'pegging'.
http://www.aintitcool.com/tb_display.cgi#953484
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby monkey
People often mistake apes for monkeys and vice
versa. We don't know what this guy is, although
we suspect he's a gibbon. Whichever one he is,
though, he's still a little cutie.
http://prizepics.com/Animals/monkey%20baby.jpg
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: POURING SALT INTO OPEN WOUNDS
it's funny names corner
Oh Jesus mother of fuck, we really can't be
bothered with this shit anymore. So we'll do
it quickly. First off we have engineering
group Johnson Pump, "your solution for liquid
transport", apparently. Next, the masturbatory
inspired electrical generator company, Onan
"provides the power that keeps you going",
owned by the appropriately-named Cummins.com.
And finally, Dan Thompson points out that his
local car wash in Doncaster rejoices in the
name "Mr Hand Job." We wonder, does he offer a
'happy' wax and finish?
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Hypnotism and Acronyms Challenge Results
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week the Challenge Dictator demanded to
know how hypnotism could be used for evil.
B3ta regular The State Of Yemen was asked to
judge the entries - this is what he thought:
The State Of Yemem writes -
#1 Come To Fluffeh - Because we all know this
is a skill cats already possess. Plus it
made me giggle like a loon. (finnbar)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5023409
#2 Subliminal Burger - One of the more subtle
subliminal message entries, I liked this
because I didn't get it the first time.
Then I laughed. Then I laughed some more.
Then I killed my friend. (evilcoffee)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5025832
#3 He's Going to Get Some - Fantastically
subtle, as opposed to some of the other
entries of this type. Also a lovely style
that makes it all the more amusing.
(Tahkcalb)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5021216
Two weeks ago week we wanted you to tell us
what acronyms really stood for.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/acronyms/
We asked b3ta boarder farmboy to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
farmboy writes -
#1 NWA - I like the rather well rendered
knitwear. Kudos for making Ice Cube look
like a great big Hom-boy. (Leningrad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5001386
#2 DKNY - I can picture the game now,
swinging from skyscraper to skyscraper,
swatting hijacked planes and throwing
barrels at Mayor Giuliani...
(Onion Terror)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5008429
#3 ADIDAS - A smart-arse entry. But in a
'I wish I'd thought of that' kind of
way. Grrr. (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5011005
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, Squiggy suggested that we
reveal what life would be like if computer
games were real.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realcomputergames/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HEX CLOCKS - ooh bloody years ago Rob made a
hex clock and stuck it on Cafepress for you
lucky people to buy. Not actually expecting
anyone to actually purchase one. But they
did. We have photographic proof.
http://flickr.com/photos/adactio/30957385/
* MORE HEX CLOCKS - keeping the hexacological
dream alive Hudders has made a Konfabulator
version of said quality merchandise for free!
Taking the food from Rob's mouth - the cunt.
http://www.widgetgallery.com/view.php
* ODD FOODS - ChemistryDan writes, "I used to
crunch up 5 or 6 long strands of raw
spaghetti, then when it was a bit sticky,
I'd compress the mashed up pasta against the
roof of my mouth to make a flat biscuity
type creation. This I would then place on
the radiator for drying and consumption at
a later time." We only mention this as we
used to do the same, sometimes substiting
the mouth for a cup of tea, making a lovely
pasta-soup-tea.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Leapy stickman game
Enjoyed this inertia based take on the Manic
Miner game, leap about like a furious pig and
collect the objects. Tricky controls and great
gameplay. Much like our cocks.
http://70.84.34.106/~mediaun/ngame.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COIN COCKS - the Royal Mint is holding a
competition to design new UK coinage. Your
body weight in new 2ps if you enter and
win and manage to get a penis onto the back
of the Queens head.
http://snipurl.com/ilovecocks
* MORE POLITICIANS DEAD - Mo Mowlam and
Robin Cook are a good start, but there's
still work to do.
* SOME SORT OF SURVEY - correlating penis
size to the browser people use. Let's
settle the browser wars once and for all.
We'd certainly read it anyway. And so
would Slashdot.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by dutchbird, niall_mackinnon,
sheldrick_s, Woodside59, julie3, bloojam,
Azra3l, dodge.jtr, Leningrad, chiff_chiff,
pete & shane.tomkinson.
Top Tippery by Mrs Google who also mentioned
that contary to popular belief, dolphins
do not have pre-hensile cocks.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the thieving b4ta magpies.
(104666 - 27959)
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TOP TIP:
Stop cheese from sweating by removing the
plastic packaging and wrapping it in tin foil.
This will also prevent the alien brain lasers
from reading your cheese.
