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This Week:
* CALL FOR CONTENT - the Shitty Tagline awards
* IRONS - Man cooks breakfast with er... iron
* SATANISTS - Your chance to sire the Anti-christ

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 196 - 09 Sep 2005

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  Create, sell or buy unique t-shirts and gifts

  From the crazy minds of B3ta to crazy frog fans
  you can purchase some cool threads, mugs, bags
  or mouse mats on Sp!ce today!

  If you fancy selling YOUR ideas then why not
  set up a shop with us for free and we'll
  sell them on your behalf!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Royal Mail

  We were out the other day when the postie tried
  deliver a parcel. We were somewhat alarmed to
  find he'd pushed a red bit of card through the
  letterbox, branded with the slogan "With us it's
  personal." Clearly inspired by the tagline to
  Jaws: the Revenge (1987) and rather intimidating.
  What next - "We know where you live?"

  Which company has the worst tagline? Perhaps the 
  place where you work?


  SATANISTS! This weekend is your last chance
  to concieve if you want He Who Walks Backwards'
  child born on 6/6/6. Any later and to be out then
  he'd be premature and perhaps a bit weedy. Go
  go Beelzebaby action.


  Haribo, Irons & Best of newspaper pranks

  >> Haribo sculpture - take II <<
  Sean Stayt has applied his formidable skills to
  last week's challenge: Make beautiful sculpture
  from melted Haribo sweets. As you can see, it was
  a glorious failure. Perhaps the hand of man is
  not meant to fashion art from the mighty Haribo.

  >> Cooking with irons <<
  Inspired by last week's feature on frying eggs
  with mobile phones, Thomas Scott and chums went
  one better, preparing a full English breakfast
  with a steam iron as their only cooking device.
  We can't wait to smell their freshly-ironed
  shirts. Mmm. Porky.

  >> Best of CCC <<
  Comely prankster CCC has collected up the best
  of his newspaper stunts, from the 'dogshit letters'
  to 'Juanzo the Wolf Boy'. There's a load of good
  stuff to read here, including his levitation
  fixated small ads phase.


  Buy your tickets now

  Rob is giving a talk on the history of b3ta and
  would love you to come. It will be fun - you'll
  get the chance to watch your Ginger Fuhrer
  make a complete fool of himself, or possibly
  even tell you some interesting stuff. And it's
  in a pub. You can't lose. 


  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On a bottle of single-malt whiskey, "I have
    a twelve year old upstairs and I am ready
    to party."

  * A mum on selecting corn on the cob from a
    supermarket "I always peel back the skin
    to see how fresh they are."

  * On discussing vareities of goats cheese,
    "This is a bit goatsy."

  Submit your quimsical suggestions:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Dog shags Pokemon <<
  Can this really be what it seems? The former
  National Canine Defence League (now Dogs Trust)
  a UK charity for, you guessed it, dogs, appears
  to be trying to drum up support for this randy
  little plushie-fucker. We'd adopt him - at least
  he cleans up after himself.

  >> Paul Daniels - white supremacist? <<
  He's gone from pulling rabbits out of hats to
  burning crosses outside black people's homes.
  At least, this blog, purporting to be written
  by the family favourite magician features a
  standout quote about "a very camp waiter who,
  although black, did not know the words to
  'Ole Man River'." 

  >> Korn Again <<
  Former Korn guitarist Brian 'Head' Welch has
  rejected rock and found God. And thank goodness
  - otherwise we wouldn't have this fantastic
  site, where the designers laid on the Christian
  stuff so thick, even the scroll bars are little
  cherubs - and Mr. Welch looks like a nut who
  thinks he's Jesus. Also worth looking at the
  CNN link that actually tells his story with a
  little more compassion. 

  >> "Mohammed was a paedophile" <<
  Good old Jack Chick - we're long-time fans of
  his demented comicbook rants about anything he
  sees as anti-christian. This strip jumps out due
  to the sheer, unwarranted spleen he vents against
  Islam. And, yes, we were quoting him in the

  >> Men doing dangerous things <<
  A cheesy, but good, collection of pics of
  people putting themselves in immense danger in
  the defiance of simple common sense.

  >> Bee dogs <<
  In the tradition of 'does what it says in the
  url' sites like 'Dogs in Cars' and 'Cats in
  Sinks', comes this gallery of unfortunate hounds
  decked out like bees. Dunno why this is so popular,
  but who are we to question what is obviously a
  massive, spontaneous tribute to Sting in dog

  >> "Where does my hole come out?" <<
  If you've ever wondered (and we have) "If I dug
  a really deep hole in my back garden, where in
  the world would it come out?" then this site might
  well be for you. You geek.



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked you about the weird and 
  wonderful things that had happened to you in
  the toilet. Most of you had poo-stories to tell,
  and you can read them here:

  * Newspapered toilet
    "Went for a long overdue wee in a posh-looking
    bar. Statues and paintings everywhere. Lots of
    arty-looking types. 'Excuse me, where's the
    bog?' I asked an overworked-looking barman,
    elbows deep in glasses and hot water, who
    casually nodded to the other side of the room.
    Door with a familiar symbol on it. Enter.
    Lock. Someone banging on door. Fuckit. Zip.
    Wang. Relief. Zip up. Notice that the whole
    WC is covered in newspaper. Everywhere.
    Everything, toilet included. WTF? Open door,
    exit. Met by a look of sheer horror on face
    of an arty type. I'd pissed in his art display."
  * More newspapered toilets...
    "Moroccan toilets are famously bad; I blame
    the French influence. On a coach to Marrakech,
    we stopped for a loo break where they charged
    you the equivalent of three quid to crouch over
    a ceramic hole, behind a door made of woven
    straw that had all the opaqueness of glass,
    as a small, toothless, wizened old man leered
    at you as you pulled your keks down. What's
    more, 60 odd years before, my Grandmother was
    stuck in the same situation (also in Morocco),
    crouching down over a hole surrounded by newpaper.
    Strangely, the paper laid on the floor was her
    local newspaper back home in Blighty. Being a
    bit bored, she started reading the bit between
    her feet, and discovered her Brother had won
    the pools." (niceandwarmandhot)
  * It's shit.
    "I am 23, staggering in to the kitchen of my
    family home, fighting a hangover. I am wearing
    my trusty towelling dressing gown, and nothing
    else. I open the fridge door, with my back to
    the rest of the kitchen. I thought I was alone.
    I feel a rumbling. "Ah, I feel a little
    windy-pop a-rising!" I happily sing to myself,
    looking forward to the gas release relief.
    I squeeze a little - too hard in hindsight -
    and out pops a slimy, booze endued jobbie,
    right on the kitchen floor. I am slightly
    taken a back by this, but not overcome. That
    was until I shut the fridge door, turn around
    and see my Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Sister,
    Gran and Grandpa sitting quietly having tea
    and toasted crumpets." (T-Bone Sorbet Jnr)

  Thanks also to PacheyPie for posting various
  toilet signs. We like the one warning you about
  the crocodiles:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about your in-laws,
  mothers-in-law especially. Talk to us here:


  Results from the Pimp My Pet Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to pimp up your pets.

  We asked b3ta boarder Zoot to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Zoot writes -

  #1 "yeehaw! - It's a dog, driven by a cat, 
  and it bounces! What more needs to be said?
  (mutated monty)
  #2 "Pimp-o-matic - If you are going to pimp 
  it, then you need one of these! (Mr Logic)
  #3 "Vicci - She was one of the few actual 
  pets entered, she was pimped to the max, and 
  has sadly shed her mortal coils since
  becoming a b3ta star. We'll miss you, Vicci 
  the tarantula." (curis)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor The Neville gave us
  the suggestion, "Movie Posters Of Your Life"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BLACKING UP FOR B3TA - "I went to a fancy dress
    party at the weekend," writes Kelly. "I didn't
    spend the day blacked up, but I did drive through
    Streatham and have to stop in traffic right
    outside a big black wedding - my brother-in-law
    wound the windows down, but I managed to get him
    not to beep the horn. A few dirty looks came my way,
    luckily though I managed to avoid being pounded
    into the ground. This is what I looked like..."

  * GEEK SONGS REDUX - Continuing our theme of nerds
    setting their daily routine to pop music, the
    lower orders are getting in on the act. Spassky
    writes "I'm a window cleaner and I like to sing
    the Phil Collins smash 'She's a Squeegee Lover'."

    Furthermore Divstee recalls "I used to work in a
    reprographics bureau. When one of the printers
    ground to a halt we would sing 'Paper jam,
    paper jam' to the tune of the Boney M hit
    'Painter Man'." 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKI AS A POLITICAL FORCE - each day we read
    about another multi-national abusing the US
    legal system to patent the obvious, and
    stifling competition. We need a new charitable
    orginisation that uses the power of the
    community to find prior-art and raise
    objections to each and every invalid patent

  * A NEW BREED OF STUPID PEOPLE - some of our
    favourite jokes are Irish. "Why do Irish
    dogs have flat noses? They chase parked
    cars" or even "Did you hear about the IRA
    terrorist who came to London to blow up
    a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust
    pipe." But apparently the potato munchers
    get upset with this stuff. Who can we tell
    our jokes about now?

  * HUMAN YOGHURT - the production of yoghurt
    is actually quite simple. Anyone fancy
    trying to make it with breast milk? And
    eating it?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by amcemoni, gregmuir, sebastian
  winnett, alex.palmer, tomg, trev, el.rodente
  and therubberbishop.
  Top Tippery by PC Dave King.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the slippy b4ta eels.
  (104590 - 28687)

  Here's a suggestion from our local police: B3ta
  HQ suffered a recent attempted break-in 
  Londons' finest suggested that instead of
  putting bars on the windows, we install
  window-boxes on the sills. Apparently they're
  difficult to clamber over, hence putting
  burglars off, and are more effective in cutting
  crime than both alarms and grills.

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