NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 197: "YOU THOUGHT WE WERE JOKING WHEN WE SAID IT WAS A COOKING NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* FOOD - Kettle vs Pasta
* WEEBL - Magical Trevor III
* JUDO - Is it gay?
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 197 - 16 Sep 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue197/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On covering an injured wrist with a bandage,
"I didn't want your mum to see my gash."
* On lending a cylinder to fix a car, "I can't
believe I'm giving you this good head."
Cash for Gash. Well, it would be, if we paid
for submissions.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COOKING THIS WEEK
à la carte des b3ta
>> Kettle vs Pasta <<
"Thanks for putting the breakfast ironing in
last week," badgers Thomas Scott. "We got some
wonderful emails and were even mentioned on a
Welsh radio breakfast show. They suggested we
try and make pasta and sauce in a kettle. So
we did. It knackered the kettle, and one of
us got boiling water in the eye, but it did
seem to work."
http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/pasta/
>> Haribo vs Bread <<
Continuing the theme of dreadful cooking,
GigerPunk says "seeing as last week's Haribo
wasn't working out, I thought I'd try cooking
them in a bread-maker." Blimey. This looks
sticky.
http://gigerpunk.ukgeeks.co.uk/c692109.html
>> Haribo SUCCESS! <<
They said it couldn't be done, but Mr_Pink has
managed to sculpt the evil gooey stuff. And
top marks for making it look like a cock.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5115054
-------------------------------------------------
: DAPHNE AND CELESTE UPDATE
They'll never live down the bottles of piss
Daphne & Celeste, once famous in the UK for
their chipmunk-voiced novelty pop, are now
more notorious for their exit from the music
industry: having bottles of piss lobbed at
them at the Reading festival. B3ta reader
Bad Horsey caught up with them and asked
all about it:
Daphne: Believe it or not, we actually sold
an official autographed bottle of Reading
piss on eBay as a joke, and it went for
three thousand pounds (buyer undisclosed).
BTW: Lots of celebs can be summarised down
to one-line facts. It's a fun game to play
in the car or office. "Sarah Miles? Drinks
her own piss." or "Madonna? Pisses on her
feet in the shower." Er.. entertains us,
anyway.
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Playstation review, Magical Trevor III
>> Wipeout Pure on a dropped PSP <<
Britain has gone mad for the Playstation
Pocket. Why, we can't even visit Woolworths
to buy some pic'n'mix without being assaulted
by the kids tumbling over us to rob the game
boxes. Jonti has caught the gaming bug and
grabbed a unit to review on his site. But,
er.. dropped it. The pathos alone makes
it a better review than anything you'll
read on Amstrad Action (or wherever the
kids read about games these days.)
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/articles/454/
>> Magical Trevor III <<
Sequels to sequels don't have a great
tradition: Jaws 3D inspired Viz's Pathetic
Sharks, Matrix Revolutions undermined the
brilliance of the first film so successfully
that it's embarrasing to even mention the
films in company, and Addams Family Reunion
went straight to video and didn't have the
original actors in it anyway. Trust
(the clearly busy) Jonti to buck the trend.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor+3...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Mothers-in-law
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked how the in-laws were doing:
http://b3ta.com/questions/inlaws/
* Lost in Translation
"So my wonderful Polish mother-in-law is
cooking us dinner and as I'm sitting there,
knife and fork clutched in my hands like Fred
Flintstone waiting for his steakosaurus, the
MIL decides to strike up a convo in fragmented
English. Eyes looking up like she's trying to
read the words off the inside of her skull,
she stumbles out with 'Ania is so much calm
now you are fucking her, yes?'" (Grrrmachine)
* Foot-in-mouth
"I don't think my mother-in-law ever really
liked me that much. Perhaps our first meeting
might have had something to do with it...
Greeted with a peck on the cheek by my future
wife, I am ushered into the living room where
my ears are assaulted by what can only be
described as the worst kind of middle-of-
the-road music, the kind I utterly despise:
'Christ on a bike, what's this crap?'
'Alexander O'Neil. It's my mother's favourite.'
'Jeeez - so where is the tone-deaf old
trout anyway?' 'Behind you.' Ah." (Scaryduck)
* Frogs, box of.
"My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the
cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards
with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a
kitchen in less than five-and-a-half hours
and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs,
one for downstairs and one for outside. Yes,
outside. In the winter, those pesky birds drop
seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere.
The solution? Hoover the lawn. Oh yes. Mad as
a goose on stilts." (Sausagegirl)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to talk posh. Are you posh? Who's
the poshest person you've met? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/posh/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Run your car on dead cats <<
Fuel prices are rocketing sky-high at the
moment, and numerous barking solutions
are doing the rounds. We've had emails
suggesting we water down our diesel with
vegetable oil, tin-foil-hatted theories
that the car indsutry has suppressed the
invention of the water-powered combustion
engine for 40 years, and best of all, this
report on how to fuel your car on deceased
kittens. Only need 20 of them to fill your
tank. Woo. And if you keep running over
your neighbours' pets, we'll have created
a perpetual motion machine.
http://snipurl.com/hqk7
>> Geeks. Click this one <<
Nerdy parents! Worried that your kids are growing
up without Asperger's and a desire to case-mod
their Vtech into a Commodore 64? Simply buy
them this "Teach Yourself C" board-game. Sheesh!
If your child can't write a recursive loop by
the time he's six, there's simply no hope is there?
http://www.c-jump.com/
>> Goth / Darkwave mini-pops <<
In the 80s, C4 used to broadcast a paedo-friendly
TV show where tots painted their faces like
child-whores and lip-synced to sexually
suggestive pop songs. We want the show back,
and for the kids to sing Sisters of Mercy,
The Cure or even Devo. Much like this odd
little clip.
http://snipurl.com/hqla
>> Necro-swallows of DOOM! <<
This was interesting - a photographer makes up
some story based on his observations of a
swallow "trying to save" its dead friend.
"Please wake up!" and so on. Then some science
bloke comes in and spoils it all by explaining
that it was actually trying to fuck the corpse.
Nice.
http://snipurl.com/necrodoom
>> Mo Molam: Still dead <<
Poor old Mo. Before her untimely bucket-kickage,
she was booked on a speaking tour of the UK.
Check out the sensitive way this threatre site
chooses to announce her death. (Scroll down.)
http://www.blackfriars.uk.com/live_events.htm
>> Gay Judo <<
We were amused by this heart-felt plea for the
return of more man-to-man grappling and less
throwing in Judo. Kinda interesting in a
historical way - was Judo traditionally the
sport of closeted homosexuals? Actually
that reminds us of a girl from school
who claimed she wasn't a virgin because
her hymen had been broken by a horse.
We imagine she's still living that story
down.
http://www.matbattle.com/articles/bjj/new_gay_judo...
-------------------------------------------------
: GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Retro Gamer magazine
Despite our inveterate addiction to interwebs,
we've still got big-love for magazines at B3ta
HQ - mainly because we can't read Wikipedia in
our local cafe. (Mario's, Kentish Town, visit
if you're in the area for fantastic home-made
chips. Can we have a free meal now, Mario?)
So it was with sad hearts that we read an email
informing us that our favourite magazine has
closed down.
"Hi, B3ta,
"My name is Andrew Fisher, and I'm the editor
of a new CD-based magazine called RETRO SURVIVAL,
dedicated to old computer games. The people
involved were all severely shafted by the closure
of the commercial Retro Gamer mag, and are now
putting together our tribute/two-fingered
salute/money-grabbing CD."
Anyway. If you are interested in buying the CD
then have a gander at the site:
http://www.retrosurvival.co.uk/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Otters vs Sloths
When God finally calls all his creatures to
judgement, are the otters going to Heaven
and the sloths to Hell?
>> Otters <<
The case for otters: * You can use them to
write 'otterly' great puns, * In the film Tarka
The Otter they were voiced by the world's
greatest raconteur, Peter Ustinov, * They're
as clever as monkeys, and will use rocks as
crude tools to smash open tasty crabs.
http://www.seaworld.com/seaworld/ca/_downloads/ott...
>> Sloths <<
In defence of sloths: * Due to their slow speed
they are preyed upon by the harpy eagle. Their
solution? Hide in a palm tree and pretend to
be a coconut. Fuck, that's the only good fact
about sloths, so we guess the otters win.
http://www.cultofdegan.com/images/costarica/sloths...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Your Boring Movie Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you design movie posters
of your own lives.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/boringmovies/
We asked b3ta boarder homonk to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
homonk writes -
#1 "Sock 2 - it's very rare that a sequel
is as good as the original, even rarer that it
is better. However with this entry this is the
case. It's the 'contains mild cotton' that
makes it. (Samwidge)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5099889
#2 "Gone with the Bins - Fantastic and very
well executed. I'd go and see this film. I'd
probably buy the DVD as well. (citizen loz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5100669
#3 "Hammersmith Park - This made me laugh, it's
simple, funny and true so I gave it third place.
Brilliant. (Zaphod's Wombat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5104292
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator wants to know
how we can make church popular again.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makechurchpopular/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GEEK SONGS REDUX PART 10 - "During the filming
of many a crap student film while at Art
College, the sound men did a mean rendition of
the Sade classic, Boom Operator."
* PAUL DANIELS BLOG - many of you wrote in to
say that it is indeed his site. Dhughes also
mentioned "that cunt should not be given the
oxygen of oxygen let alone the oxygen of
publicity."
* PSYCHO OF THE WEEK - jwtaylor876 got in
touch to say, rather disturbingly, "I'm going
to uni next week and just bought my first knife,
so now I'm singing 'It's My Knife' to Bon Jovi's
'It's My Life'." Er.. Why do you need a knife
to go to college? Actually we used to work
with a bloke who would get out a pen-knife,
stroke it, and call it "mother". We think
he was trying to be funny, but it was a little
disturbing all the same.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SWIMMING-POOL PISS CHALLENGE - is it true
that urine in a swimming pool turns a dark
colour, or just a myth? We imagine that a
digital camera and a reader willing to get
banned for life from their local leisure-
centre could get us a definitive answer.
* COUNCIL SMOOTHIE - liquidise two pounds of
jellied sweets, down it in one, then video
your subsequent vomiting or
amphetamine-a-like sugar high.
* SUPERGLUE WALNUTS - to your garden patio
and watch the squirrels go mental. Or think
of your own variation of a Jeremy Beadle
camera prank and play it on an animal.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Emvee, kcmkelly, HowayTheLads,
Vectrex, jess.woah, FatherJack, gingerwizard,
david.marrs, Hapax Legomena, pauljbeard, &
DrDerekDoctors.
Top Tippery by Rob.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the mysterious RJT.
(104697 - 29324)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Make your photos not look like shit by taking
them in daylight, using a tripod and
shooting more than you need. This may
sound obvious, but it's amazing how many
people don't know these simple things.
