we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* COOKING - Pancakes on a lamp
* SWEARING - Rate my cuss
* PHOTOS - Men of the Internet

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 198 - 23 Sep 2005

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]

  Boat game

  "Another flash game by Kerb. This one involves
  hooning around Caribbean ports in a big orange
  ship. Try and dock the bastard without sending
  the local fishermen to a watery grave."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Cooking, Swearing, David Firth & Crane flies 

  >> Light bulb vs. Pancake <<
  Thomas Scott has become and internet star
  with his "ironing bacon" and "kettling pasta"
  school of cookery. He elaborates, "This is the
  last cooking experiment. We almost set ourselves
  on fire and got blinded this time, so there's
  no way we're doing any more. This time we did
  pancakes - cooked using a bloody big light bulb.
  Apparently our escapades have made us somewhat
  famous in Macedonia. We're hoping for an
  invitation to some Eastern European talk show."
  Woo. Remember us when you've got your own
  cookery show Thomas.

  >> Rate my insult <<
  B3ta old-schooler DiyJoe, you may remember him
  from his 'Simon swears' game of yester-year,
  clearly hasn't grown up and is still pursuing
  profanity with admirable enthusiasm. His latest
  is to ask you to submit your favourite swears
  and vote on the submissions of others. It's
  actually rather great, and kept us sniggering
  for good few minutes.

  >> David Firth... outed <<
  Everyone we speak to at the moment is going
  "Have you seen that Salad Fingers site? His stuff
  is great!" The creator David Firth recently got
  in touch pimping an odd little animation
  purporting to be the work of Jerry Jackson,
  a Linkin Park obsessed teen. We had our
  suspicions, and googling about it's clear that
  his cover is already blown and David and Jerry
  are one-and-the-same. Anyway. If you fancy
  an insight into his mind and his frankly
  odd take on online culture, you know where to
  be clicking.

  >> Crane Fly squish game << 
  "I am sick of these long legs", complains Fakker,
  "and made a quick and shite game where you can
  kill them. Oh, and listen to a sped up version
  of R Kelly's 'I believe I can Fly.'"
  What more could you ask for on a Friday?


  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On helping a lady to pack away her tent -
    "have you got a flap in the front?"

  * On picking up coins in the street -
    "won't go down for less than 20p"

  * On asking the music teacher why there's
    numbers beneath the notes, "Oh, yes, I do
    occasionally give you a fingering"

  This is the bit where we try and think of
  a weak pun of our own and link to the email
  page. Reminds us of recommending Hotmail
  to an older woman several years back. She
  didn't stop with, "ooh. Yes. I need a hot
  male" all afternoon. Probably because we
  went very red every-time she did it.


  "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" 

  Conservatives! Don't scare you kids with
  stories of the monsters that'll grab any
  child’s foot that strays from under the
  mattress. Tell them the truth: the political
  left are there to get them. Probably by
  drowning them in mung-bean soup or something.
  Still. Great title though.  


  How Posh are You?

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted to know how posh you lot
  are. Some of you are either lying, or there's
  a heck of a queue for the throne:

  * Polo with the Queen
    "As a young sprog the Queen came to visit
    and I was chosen to represent our cub-scout
    pack in a parade that was held in the park.
    When the day arrived, I was upset to notice
    that all the others had a bouquet of flowers
    or a pennant to present to the Queen. I had
    nothing. So thinking a quickly as a seven
    year old can, when I was called I stepped
    forward, ripped off a salute and offered
    the only thing I had available. "Would you
    like a polo, maam?" After my six week ban from
    the Cubs had finished, it was explained to me
    that Polo was a game played on horseback and
    it was this that our monarch enjoyed and not
    the grubby sweets kept in my pocket. My mum
    still wants to die of embarrassment nearly
    twenty years later." (Nezza)
  * Eccentrically Posh
    "I once went out with a girl whose family
    were so Posh they referred to each other by
    their middle names, rather than their given
    names. I've no idea why, but it obviously
    seemed an amusing jape to them. They also
    had a cat who was too lazy to use his catflap
    and you had to hold it open for him. Posh
    fluffy wanker." (overkill)
  * Actually Posh
    "My beloved wife is a direct descendant of
    Charlemagne - as in great great...(x38)..
    granddaughter. Therefore my son is as well. 
    He puked on my shirt this morning. I guess
    this was to demonstrate his contempt of
    the working classes." (bierbelly )
  We'd also like to congratulate 'hismastersvice'
  for going to a school so posh that it offers
  Polo and Yachting on the sports curriculum,
  expecting pupils to provide their own horse
  and/or yacht.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to dish the dirt on the Police.
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Men of the Internet <<
  A gallery of people's photos culled from personal
  homepages. Ladies - come feast your senses on this
  array of rippling, manly nerd-flesh. 

  >> URL joke <<
  You'll need sound to appreciate that this site very
  much does exactly what it says in the URL. Vaguely
  reminiscent of the much-beloved zombo.com.

  >> I live in a Jumbo jet <<
  Remember that Twilight Zone episode with William
  Shatner on a plane and he looks out the window to
  see some sort of nasty beast. With this guy that
  would be the milkman, as his plane can't fly.  

  >> Why Geodesic domes are shit <<
  Author of popular hippy tract Domebook One, 
  George Oakes controversially recants his dome
  advocacy and points out the inherent flaws that
  make them complete shit. Nice bit about the
  insulation you have to use creating cyanide gas,
  and all the arguments they had with builders.

  >> Offended Koreans <<
  The harshest critics of Team America: World Police
  appear to be based on North Korea and annoyed at the
  South Park creators' portrayal of Glorious Leader
  Kim Jong Il. Who would have guessed?

  >> 'Fabulous' He-Man <<
  Always suckers for favourite childhood programmers
  remixed to give a surprising gay subtext, we loved
  this rendition of Prince Adam of He-Man fame giving
  vent to his 'fabulous secret powers' singing 4 Non
  Blondes Tampax ad tunes. Mind you, not a huge stretch
  to give He-Man a gay subtext. Why do you think Skeletor
  is so bony? AIDS.

  >> Clever advertising cunts <<
  How we wish we'd thought of this first. There are
  one million pixels on this chap's page. Each one
  will set you back $1 - buy as big an ad as you like.
  Or not. Hope he dies soon.

  >> Not PSP <<
  Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant - fancy one of they
  there PSP game thingies, but only have a fiver?
  The POPStation is very nearly as good as you'd
  expect for a fiver. Oh so shit, you have to check
  out this in-depth review.

  >> Best Film Title Ever <<
  We once thought that "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz,
  Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition" was the best
  film title humanly possible. But in sheer
  inventiveness it's been utterly surpassed by:
  Snakes on a Plane. A film that had to be made
  because the pitch is in the title.

  >> Animated wire man <<
  Lies, filthy lies - is not what wires and
  plasticine do when left to their own devices.
  They do not rise up and form life off their
  own bat. Nice bit of animation though.  

  >> Monkey space pants <<
  The title says it all - your chance to own a
  pair of trousers worn by a Soviet monkey
  astronaut. Monkeys were the second species of
  animals to be launched into space. The first
  were fruit flies. Fruit fly space pants are 
  an absolute bargain.



  * The black and white minstrels, when they were
    actually filmed in black and white, used red
    face paint, which was shot through filters,
    showed up better.

  * Kinder eggs are illegal in the US - due to
    a choking hazard:

  * "Calm down, let's not turn this rape into
    a murder" is one hell of a t-shirt slogan.

  Tell us your facts.


  Wombat baby

  An Australian marsupial, the wombat shares over
  90% of its DNA with Kylie Minogue and also takes
  14 days to complete digestion. Anyway, here's a
  little baby one picking flowers. Sweet.


  Results from the Make Church Popular Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you design movie posters
  of your own lives.

  We asked b3ta boarder Ptolemy to judge the 
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Ptolemy writes -

  #1 Change the Gargoyles - Quite apart from 
  being delightfully surreal and beautifully 
  'shopped, this was the entry that for me came 
  closest to making church seem like a decidedly 
  attractive proposition. It might've just been 
  the norks that did it though. (collapsibletank)
  #2 An Affair With The Dog - Great source 
  picture, mad idea, splendid shoppage, both 
  offensive and sacrilegious at once - this one 
  has everything! (mediocre)
  #3 I'm Prayin' It - Worryingly, I got the 
  impression that one or two of this week's 
  challenge entries were actually genuine. 
  Although combining Church with McDonalds' 
  obvious marketing skills was perhaps inevitable,
  this entry was painstakingly done - and as far 
  as I can tell hasn't actually happened. Yet. 

  Runner-up: PaPal - sometimes the simplest ideas 
  are the best; this was both funny and original 
  and features some lovely attention to detail.

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, boarder Beau Bo d'Or demanded that we 
  Rebrand America.  


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GEEK SONGS AGAIN - saminyoh blurts, "I'm
    embarrassed to say it, but whenever I put a
    load of white washing in the washing machine,
    I sing in my head 'It's a nice day for some
    white washing' in a Billy Idol voice..." Hmm.
    Yeah, in your head you're a rebel, saminyoh.

  * CILLIT BANGISMS - CR3 did a GCSE English oral
    presentation on the mighty cleaning product.
    On getting an A*, he delightedly wrote to
    thank cult front-man Barry Scott personally.
    And got a reply:

    mail sacs testify to the grave error we made
    last week in thoughtlessly dismissing sloths
    as a 1-fact beast and thus inferior to otters.

    Sloth-crazed readers rushed to inform us that
    Sloths have hollow hair that contains green
    algae for camouflage. The algae changes colour
    at the same time as the leaves on the trees
    so that the sloth is always perfectly hidden.

    Also, young sloths are so startlingly incompetent
    that they sometimes grab onto their own arms
    instead of a branch when hanging upside down,
    then let go with the other paw and fall straight
    out of the tree.

    And finally, this picture surfaced and was
    pretty much the nail in the coffin for the
    otter camp. 

  * PISSING IN THE POOL - Lots of people told us it's
    a myth that swimming pools contain a chemical that
    makes urine show up a tasty shade of blue. But  
    personal thanks to Russell Parker of the BBC who
    writes, "As a child, I wondered the same thing.
    I tested the theory repeatedly. Results were
    negative. Hooray for experimental scientific
    investigation." Hooray for you, Russell.


  Double game special

  We a reader the other day who said, "I really
  miss the Friday game section." Well, we haven't 
  abandoned it, but we only run it when we get
  a game we really like. And this week, we've got
  two. Huzzah.

  >> Hyperframe <<
  You'll have to sit through an annoying ad first,
  but live with it, Hyperframe rocks. A 3d puzzle
  game, where you connect lines up on the cube.
  Gets increasingly hard, but wonderfully done,
  complete with amusingly crappy vocodered music.

  >> Atom game <<
  Another puzzle game. Can you spot the pattern
  here? We're not hardcore gamers at B3ta HQ
  and prefer a nice round of Freecell (or even
  Mario Kart double dash) to all that first-person
  shooter nonsense that sells Playstations.
  Anyway, this should keep you busy, alright?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * OYSTER CARD GYMNASTICS - you know how people
    use their tube cards whilst still in their
    wallets? What's the biggest thing you can
    get it to read through? Or can you get
    through the gate by leaping on the reader
    with the card in your back-pocket with a
    vaulting motion?  

  * MOULD CUPS - We've had a mug on our desk
    for nearly three weeks and it's grown
    an excitingly green furry coat. Can you go
    one better and grow mushrooms?

  * JEREMY KYLE - loving his no-holds-barred
    daytime talk show. His no-nonsense
    pronouncements, "Get out my studio!
    You're wasting my time!" have break-out
    cult hit written all over them. Can you
    make a Cillit-bang style techno track
    so the world can know his genius? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by tallulahkit, noit88,
  cilla_the_gorilla, Chocolate Hostage, No Sprouts!
  zero rawbw, jasper kingjay, stevenmorgan,
  Hoosay, Parrot of doom, magictorch, *not logged
  in*, bloojam (formerly: Xeofox), elphantasmo,
  BadKittyDirtyKitty, Capuchin, jazz_potato, 
  whatalittlemischief, niceandwarmandhot, jgtofts, 
  paulcapewell, paulie, peter, billy and andys.
  Top Tippery by Sophie.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the kate b4ta mossers.
  (104755 - 29215)

  Trouble with a teething infant? Give them a
  slice of chilled cucumber.

next issue »
« previous issue