NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 198: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!111111"
This Week:
* COOKING - Pancakes on a lamp
* SWEARING - Rate my cuss
* PHOTOS - Men of the Internet
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 198 - 23 Sep 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue198/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Boat game
"Another flash game by Kerb. This one involves
hooning around Caribbean ports in a big orange
ship. Try and dock the bastard without sending
the local fishermen to a watery grave."
http://dock.easycruise.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cooking, Swearing, David Firth & Crane flies
>> Light bulb vs. Pancake <<
Thomas Scott has become and internet star
with his "ironing bacon" and "kettling pasta"
school of cookery. He elaborates, "This is the
last cooking experiment. We almost set ourselves
on fire and got blinded this time, so there's
no way we're doing any more. This time we did
pancakes - cooked using a bloody big light bulb.
Apparently our escapades have made us somewhat
famous in Macedonia. We're hoping for an
invitation to some Eastern European talk show."
Woo. Remember us when you've got your own
cookery show Thomas.
http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/pancakes/
>> Rate my insult <<
B3ta old-schooler DiyJoe, you may remember him
from his 'Simon swears' game of yester-year,
clearly hasn't grown up and is still pursuing
profanity with admirable enthusiasm. His latest
is to ask you to submit your favourite swears
and vote on the submissions of others. It's
actually rather great, and kept us sniggering
for good few minutes.
http://www.diyjoe.com/index.php
>> David Firth... outed <<
Everyone we speak to at the moment is going
"Have you seen that Salad Fingers site? His stuff
is great!" The creator David Firth recently got
in touch pimping an odd little animation
purporting to be the work of Jerry Jackson,
a Linkin Park obsessed teen. We had our
suspicions, and googling about it's clear that
his cover is already blown and David and Jerry
are one-and-the-same. Anyway. If you fancy
an insight into his mind and his frankly
odd take on online culture, you know where to
be clicking.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22730517/
>> Crane Fly squish game <<
"I am sick of these long legs", complains Fakker,
"and made a quick and shite game where you can
kill them. Oh, and listen to a sped up version
of R Kelly's 'I believe I can Fly.'"
What more could you ask for on a Friday?
http://www.mattfacer.com/daddy-long-legs/
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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush
* On helping a lady to pack away her tent -
"have you got a flap in the front?"
* On picking up coins in the street -
"won't go down for less than 20p"
* On asking the music teacher why there's
numbers beneath the notes, "Oh, yes, I do
occasionally give you a fingering"
This is the bit where we try and think of
a weak pun of our own and link to the email
page. Reminds us of recommending Hotmail
to an older woman several years back. She
didn't stop with, "ooh. Yes. I need a hot
male" all afternoon. Probably because we
went very red every-time she did it.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BOOK OF THE YEAR!
"Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed"
Conservatives! Don't scare you kids with
stories of the monsters that'll grab any
child’s foot that strays from under the
mattress. Tell them the truth: the political
left are there to get them. Probably by
drowning them in mung-bean soup or something.
Still. Great title though.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/159467506...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
How Posh are You?
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted to know how posh you lot
are. Some of you are either lying, or there's
a heck of a queue for the throne:
http://b3ta.com/questions/posh/
* Polo with the Queen
"As a young sprog the Queen came to visit
and I was chosen to represent our cub-scout
pack in a parade that was held in the park.
When the day arrived, I was upset to notice
that all the others had a bouquet of flowers
or a pennant to present to the Queen. I had
nothing. So thinking a quickly as a seven
year old can, when I was called I stepped
forward, ripped off a salute and offered
the only thing I had available. "Would you
like a polo, maam?" After my six week ban from
the Cubs had finished, it was explained to me
that Polo was a game played on horseback and
it was this that our monarch enjoyed and not
the grubby sweets kept in my pocket. My mum
still wants to die of embarrassment nearly
twenty years later." (Nezza)
* Eccentrically Posh
"I once went out with a girl whose family
were so Posh they referred to each other by
their middle names, rather than their given
names. I've no idea why, but it obviously
seemed an amusing jape to them. They also
had a cat who was too lazy to use his catflap
and you had to hold it open for him. Posh
fluffy wanker." (overkill)
* Actually Posh
"My beloved wife is a direct descendant of
Charlemagne - as in great great...(x38)..
granddaughter. Therefore my son is as well.
He puked on my shirt this morning. I guess
this was to demonstrate his contempt of
the working classes." (bierbelly )
We'd also like to congratulate 'hismastersvice'
for going to a school so posh that it offers
Polo and Yachting on the sports curriculum,
expecting pupils to provide their own horse
and/or yacht.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to dish the dirt on the Police.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/police/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Men of the Internet <<
A gallery of people's photos culled from personal
homepages. Ladies - come feast your senses on this
array of rippling, manly nerd-flesh.
http://www.ianhaig.net/men/
>> URL joke <<
You'll need sound to appreciate that this site very
much does exactly what it says in the URL. Vaguely
reminiscent of the much-beloved zombo.com.
http://www.iiiiiiii.com/
>> I live in a Jumbo jet <<
Remember that Twilight Zone episode with William
Shatner on a plane and he looks out the window to
see some sort of nasty beast. With this guy that
would be the milkman, as his plane can't fly.
http://www.airplanehome.com/
>> Why Geodesic domes are shit <<
Author of popular hippy tract Domebook One,
George Oakes controversially recants his dome
advocacy and points out the inherent flaws that
make them complete shit. Nice bit about the
insulation you have to use creating cyanide gas,
and all the arguments they had with builders.
http://www.shelterpub.com/_shelter/domebuilders_bl...
>> Offended Koreans <<
The harshest critics of Team America: World Police
appear to be based on North Korea and annoyed at the
South Park creators' portrayal of Glorious Leader
Kim Jong Il. Who would have guessed?
http://snipurl.com/koreanyeah
>> 'Fabulous' He-Man <<
Always suckers for favourite childhood programmers
remixed to give a surprising gay subtext, we loved
this rendition of Prince Adam of He-Man fame giving
vent to his 'fabulous secret powers' singing 4 Non
Blondes Tampax ad tunes. Mind you, not a huge stretch
to give He-Man a gay subtext. Why do you think Skeletor
is so bony? AIDS.
http://www.whoomp.com/articles/163/1/He-Man-does-4...
>> Clever advertising cunts <<
How we wish we'd thought of this first. There are
one million pixels on this chap's page. Each one
will set you back $1 - buy as big an ad as you like.
Or not. Hope he dies soon.
http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com/
>> Not PSP <<
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant - fancy one of they
there PSP game thingies, but only have a fiver?
The POPStation is very nearly as good as you'd
expect for a fiver. Oh so shit, you have to check
out this in-depth review.
http://media.putfile.com/POPStation2
>> Best Film Title Ever <<
We once thought that "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz,
Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition" was the best
film title humanly possible. But in sheer
inventiveness it's been utterly surpassed by:
Snakes on a Plane. A film that had to be made
because the pitch is in the title.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417148/
>> Animated wire man <<
Lies, filthy lies - is not what wires and
plasticine do when left to their own devices.
They do not rise up and form life off their
own bat. Nice bit of animation though.
http://www.wimp.com/creatingman/
>> Monkey space pants <<
The title says it all - your chance to own a
pair of trousers worn by a Soviet monkey
astronaut. Monkeys were the second species of
animals to be launched into space. The first
were fruit flies. Fruit fly space pants are
an absolute bargain.
http://snipurl.com/youareabummer
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: THREE FACTS WE'VE LEARNT THIS WEEK
* The black and white minstrels, when they were
actually filmed in black and white, used red
face paint, which was shot through filters,
showed up better.
* Kinder eggs are illegal in the US - due to
a choking hazard:
* "Calm down, let's not turn this rape into
a murder" is one hell of a t-shirt slogan.
Tell us your facts.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Wombat baby
An Australian marsupial, the wombat shares over
90% of its DNA with Kylie Minogue and also takes
14 days to complete digestion. Anyway, here's a
little baby one picking flowers. Sweet.
http://batman.jypoly.fi/~93981/stuff/elukat/Wombat...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Make Church Popular Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you design movie posters
of your own lives.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makechurchpopular/
We asked b3ta boarder Ptolemy to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Ptolemy writes -
#1 Change the Gargoyles - Quite apart from
being delightfully surreal and beautifully
'shopped, this was the entry that for me came
closest to making church seem like a decidedly
attractive proposition. It might've just been
the norks that did it though. (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5128787
#2 An Affair With The Dog - Great source
picture, mad idea, splendid shoppage, both
offensive and sacrilegious at once - this one
has everything! (mediocre)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5124453
#3 I'm Prayin' It - Worryingly, I got the
impression that one or two of this week's
challenge entries were actually genuine.
Although combining Church with McDonalds'
obvious marketing skills was perhaps inevitable,
this entry was painstakingly done - and as far
as I can tell hasn't actually happened. Yet.
(thisismyclone)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5134654
Runner-up: PaPal - sometimes the simplest ideas
are the best; this was both funny and original
and features some lovely attention to detail.
(pimpingeezer)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5130774
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, boarder Beau Bo d'Or demanded that we
Rebrand America.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rebrandamerica/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GEEK SONGS AGAIN - saminyoh blurts, "I'm
embarrassed to say it, but whenever I put a
load of white washing in the washing machine,
I sing in my head 'It's a nice day for some
white washing' in a Billy Idol voice..." Hmm.
Yeah, in your head you're a rebel, saminyoh.
* CILLIT BANGISMS - CR3 did a GCSE English oral
presentation on the mighty cleaning product.
On getting an A*, he delightedly wrote to
thank cult front-man Barry Scott personally.
And got a reply:
http://www.b3ta.com/talk/787099
* OTTERS Vs SLOTHS CONTROVERSY RAGES - Bulging
mail sacs testify to the grave error we made
last week in thoughtlessly dismissing sloths
as a 1-fact beast and thus inferior to otters.
Sloth-crazed readers rushed to inform us that
Sloths have hollow hair that contains green
algae for camouflage. The algae changes colour
at the same time as the leaves on the trees
so that the sloth is always perfectly hidden.
Also, young sloths are so startlingly incompetent
that they sometimes grab onto their own arms
instead of a branch when hanging upside down,
then let go with the other paw and fall straight
out of the tree.
And finally, this picture surfaced and was
pretty much the nail in the coffin for the
otter camp.
http://img375.imageshack.us/img375/8670/otterhurrr...
* PISSING IN THE POOL - Lots of people told us it's
a myth that swimming pools contain a chemical that
makes urine show up a tasty shade of blue. But
personal thanks to Russell Parker of the BBC who
writes, "As a child, I wondered the same thing.
I tested the theory repeatedly. Results were
negative. Hooray for experimental scientific
investigation." Hooray for you, Russell.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Double game special
We a reader the other day who said, "I really
miss the Friday game section." Well, we haven't
abandoned it, but we only run it when we get
a game we really like. And this week, we've got
two. Huzzah.
>> Hyperframe <<
You'll have to sit through an annoying ad first,
but live with it, Hyperframe rocks. A 3d puzzle
game, where you connect lines up on the cube.
Gets increasingly hard, but wonderfully done,
complete with amusingly crappy vocodered music.
http://snipurl.com/hyperpoo
>> Atom game <<
Another puzzle game. Can you spot the pattern
here? We're not hardcore gamers at B3ta HQ
and prefer a nice round of Freecell (or even
Mario Kart double dash) to all that first-person
shooter nonsense that sells Playstations.
Anyway, this should keep you busy, alright?
http://www.atome.bliesch.com/atome.php3
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* OYSTER CARD GYMNASTICS - you know how people
use their tube cards whilst still in their
wallets? What's the biggest thing you can
get it to read through? Or can you get
through the gate by leaping on the reader
with the card in your back-pocket with a
vaulting motion?
* MOULD CUPS - We've had a mug on our desk
for nearly three weeks and it's grown
an excitingly green furry coat. Can you go
one better and grow mushrooms?
* JEREMY KYLE - loving his no-holds-barred
daytime talk show. His no-nonsense
pronouncements, "Get out my studio!
You're wasting my time!" have break-out
cult hit written all over them. Can you
make a Cillit-bang style techno track
so the world can know his genius?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by tallulahkit, noit88,
cilla_the_gorilla, Chocolate Hostage, No Sprouts!
zero rawbw, jasper kingjay, stevenmorgan,
Hoosay, Parrot of doom, magictorch, *not logged
in*, bloojam (formerly: Xeofox), elphantasmo,
BadKittyDirtyKitty, Capuchin, jazz_potato,
whatalittlemischief, niceandwarmandhot, jgtofts,
paulcapewell, paulie, peter, billy and andys.
Top Tippery by Sophie.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the kate b4ta mossers.
(104755 - 29215)
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TOP TIP:
Trouble with a teething infant? Give them a
slice of chilled cucumber.
