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This Week:
* ANIM - "If I Could Shit Out My Cock"
* VIDEO - River Phoenix's final moments
* CHALLENGE - Celebs on the shitter

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 199 - 30 Sep 2005

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  Do you love Japan?
  J-List is a unique website where you can find
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  products for adults. You've got a friend in Japan!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Mt Cock Shitter, Google Zoo & Walnuts

  >> "If I Could Shit Out My Cock" <<
  "I've been pondering", ponders your Ginger Fuhrer
  "what life would be like if you could poo out
  of your penis. I suspect it would be very good,
  very good indeed." Woo. This is tale of fantastical
  delight, and the visual is suprisingly safe for
  work, if David Baddiel doesn't make you vomit.

  >> Space zoo <<
  Remember that site, 'animals-on-the-underground'?
  Where line drawings of ducks and rabbits can
  be found on London tube-maps if you squinted a
  bit? Abandonship and Skakingcody has taken on a
  more amibitious version of the same idea. They're
  asking you if  you can see animals from space
  using Google Earth  software. They've already
  found quite a few, maybe you can help find
  a few more.

  >> Walnut on a string <<
  "Inspired by your idea of winding up squirrels,"
  sprouts Steviemck, "I went fishing for them in the
  Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh.  Apart from a
  few confused tourists, nobody batted an eyelid 
  at squirrels chasing walnuts attached to invisible


  SHITTY FACT: Rabbits eat their own shit as a
  normal part of metabolism.


  Psycho shitter

  Read this blog site where a chap tells his story
  of a morbidly obese mental woman who shat everywhere.
  And we mean everywhere. Revolting photos. This
  website turned our stomach, we could taste the
  faecal.  Don't click this if you've just eaten,
  about to eat, plan to eat, enjoy eating, 
  or require feeding.


  A teacher triple-quim special

  * On teaching the basics of Unix in class,
    "and see what happens when I finger myself."

  * On giving a pre-exam pep-talk at an all boys
    school, "I really don't think you're going
    to be prepared for these exams. In fact,
    some nights I'll be tossing in my bed just 
    thinking about you."

  * On over-hearing pupils discussing why a 
    venus fly trap wouldn't bite your finger
    off, "It's too slow.  It's just liked being
    sucked by an old man. I didn't mean it like
    that, I meant it just feels like being
    sucked by someone with no teeth."

  Mail us your quims.


  SHITTY FACT: Wombats do square poos.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> River Phoenix RIP <<
  River Phoenix died in the early 90s after
  mixing heroin and cocaine in what sounds like
  a fun drugs bender. Watch his final moments
  re-enacted with plastic farm yard animals.
  Better than it sounds, we were rather tickled
  with this.

  >> How many condoms can I stick on my cock? <<
  Coming on like those viral marketing sites for
  Viagra, this site questions how many rubbers
  you can stick on your old man? If a b3ta reader
  would like to do this with a real penis, then
  we'll be all ears.

  >> Is it real? Rent my daughter <<
  The oldest and bestest game to play on the
  internet is trying to work out whether a
  website is real, or merely a wind-up. We had
  an entertaining 20 minutes at b3ta HQ
  discussing whether there really could be a
  service that allows you to pimp your kids
  to third parties for cash...

  >> Flora Bush <<
  Apparently George Bush has a third daughter
  who he's been hiding all these years
  because she's a Democrat.  Oh, and she's
  also a pop-punk star with a new video to 
  watch on-line. Brilliant, brilliant bit
  of promotion, but we were left a little
  cold. Maybe you have to be an American.

  >> Stickysheets <<
  "I saw this ad on TV while on holiday in
  New York", boasts bytheseashore, "it's for a
  product called 'Sticky Sheets'. It's 100% legit,
  and all the better for it.  "Stick it!  Rip it! 
  Done!" This is our new favourite ad. Can we 
  have some free product samples please? We'd
  quite like to try it out.

  >> Amazing coin tricks <<
  A guy doing tricks with coins and shotglasses.
  Has to be seen to be believed. We're guessing
  he's both well practiced and has quite a lot
  of tries for some of the particularly hard ones.
  Still, the amount of skill is pretty unbelievable.


  SHITTY FACT: The German colloquial term for
  coprophilia is 'Kaviar'.


  The feature that never dies

  "I was waiting for my lift to work this morning",
  intones markwilfan, "when I saw this awesomely
  innocent url on a gas van. Depends on how you
  read it to how awesome it is!" Woo. Gave us a
  giggle anyway.


  The Police

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for your encounters with the

  * Dogs
    "My friend, as a new copper, was called to go
    to a house where the occupier had been reported
    for having relations with his dog in the back
    garden. Did his superior officer arrest the
    man for animal cruelty? No, apparently he
    offered the following advice: "If you're going
    to fuck your dog, don't do it in the fucking
    garden where every fucker can see you, do it
    in the fucking house so we don't waste our
    fucking time chasing up sad fucking pervs
    like you." (lawlam)
  * On the run
    "I was walking (well, staggering) home with
    some mates past some roadworks. My mates did
    the only sensible thing, which was to take the
    biggest traffic cone and put it on my head.
    Actually, it was big enough that it covered my
    shoulders too; I couldn't see were I was going,
    but staggered on regardless. A minute or two 
    later, I hear my mates calling "watch out! It's
    the police! It's the police!" For some reason
    I decided the best course of action would be
    to cast off the cone, and run for it. Except
    that the police were in a car, and I'm not
    the fastest runner. I collapse on the pavement.
    One of the policemen gets out of the car, and
    says: "Did you really think we were going to
    arrest you for having a traffic cone on your
    head?" (P-Nuts)
  * Jurisdiction
    "My dad used to be a copper. One day he was
    called to the local parachute school where a
    bloke had plummetted to the ground after his
    chute failed to open. This school is on the
    border of two counties, so officers from both
    forces turned up. As they stood over the
    firmly embedded dead guy, my dad, who will do
    anything he can to get out of paperwork,
    decided the corpse wasn't in Nottinghamshire
    and tried to get the other rozzer to deal with
    it. The Leicestershire copper argues the body
    was in Notts and therefore not his juristiction
    either. After a heated argument, the OS map
    comes out, they unfold it over the bonnet of
    the panda car, then pace out the required
    number of steps from a local landmark to
    determine where the county boundary is in this
    field. Turns out the stiff was in Leicestershire
    by three paces. Me dad went home." (Sausagegirl)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to hear all about the most pretentious
  event you've attended. Talk to us here:


  SHITTY FACT: Adult blue whales shit out three
  tonnes per-day.


  Results from the Rebrand America Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you rebrand America and
  make it great again.

  We asked b3ta boarder TBL to judge the 
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  TBL writes -

  "Re-branding was the keyword for this compo, 
  so my choices were narrowed down to a few that
  were actually close to the brief... 

  #1 Fantastica - Simple, clean, tidy and something 
     I would have done myself if I could have been 
     arsed. (Green-Alsation)
  #2 America.com - Again, keeping to the theme for 
     the compo, unlike an awful lot of stuff... 
     (The Boy T)
  #3 Halliburton - And once more a nice simple
     idea... a bit like me. Nice and simple. 
     (Beau Bo d'Or)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator wants us to
  envisage celebrities on the toliet. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WOMBAT ERRATA - last week we misidentified
    a possum as a wombat. Half of Australia wrote
    in to complain, mostly calling us "fucking
    pommes", an example email: "that is actually
    a picture of a possum - AKA ‘pissing tree rat’!
    As such it shares 90% of its DNA with Danni
    and not our beloved Kyles." Actually, here's
    a screen grab of our inbox, so a big hello
    to all our Antipodean readers, we didn't know
    there were quite so many of you.

    several weeks ago we help launch Frasers
    Kitten War site, and are both pleased to 
    see how well its done and that it's helped
    his achieve a dream: getting email from a lady
    who "won't work with anyone 8 or more inches".

  * POO STATION  - DR A got in touch to point out
    that he made last weeks Pop Station vid and
    so it should have been in the b3ta people
    section. He's also done a follow-up on an 
    equally shite Nintendo DS rip-off.

  * ENDLESS HARIBO NONSENSE - pheadlessg claims,
    "I think I might have made the world's biggest
    Midget Gem using roughly four pounds of melted
    down gummi bears." Very good, but please no
    more Haribo stuff. Well, unless they want to 
    bung us billions of quid for all this tireless

  * NUTTY EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Julian confesses,
    "Incidentally, my wife and I regularly get out
    our Oyster cards, place them over each other's
    intimate areas, and make a "beepbeep" noise.
    This is now the official way of saying "I'm horny"
    in our household. Just wanted to share.." Ewww.

    cheddar in my herbal tea", claims pipifax04-su,
    "wait till it melts and then drink and chew it.
    It's delicious!" Again with the ewww.


  Geeky chess game

  Can you cover all the points on a board using
  only a knight? Remember, knights move in an
  L-shape and are a little unpredictable. Like it.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    questions, but spend the whole time giving
    him v's and wanker signs.

  * SWEARY COINS - use a cleaning solution famous
    for cleaning pennies and some ear buds, write
    swear words on 2 pence pieces and spend them.

  * BECOME A "SIR" - recently we read a tabloid
    report on the 'Lotto Rapist' who apparently
    is planning to buy a peerage via a website.
    Googling about, it's clear that you can
    do this with change from £20. Does anyone
    fancy having a go? And then writing about
    how people treat them differently?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by chrisknowles, voodoo_economics,
  sally, veitchy, chris, Leningrad, harrybeaskins,
  bytheseashore, psychodave, Mr. T, t.moday, 
  robin.bedford, Fraser and neil.
  Top Tippery by moai and Jibbed.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the woo b4ta yays.
  (104816 - 29190)

  Blackheads? Ice cold vodka on cotton wool will
  reduce pore size around and on the nose.
  Put your fingers in ears and blink fast. You're
  now enjoying a 1930s silent movie.

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