NEWSLETTER: "SCAMMING BLUE PETER FOR A BADGE. YEP. IT'S THAT LOW."
This Week:
* COCKS - Made of clay
* SCAM - Undeserved Blue Peter badges
* JOHN LENNON - What a fucking spacker
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 226 - 28 Apr 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue226/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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Avoid getting squished on hell's highstreet and
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Blue Peter, Clay & Dude, where's the science?
>> Blue Peter scam! <<
UK readers will know that kids tv show Blue Peter
is a cultural institution. It's been on telly for
50 years, and generations of kids have grown up
loving it. Much like b3ta, the show relies on
its viewers to send in interesting things to
feature. They are rewarded with the coveted Blue
Peter badge. Therefore, it would be very wrong
to write to them pretending to be a kid just so
that you can get a badge. Dan Coop writes, "They
sent me a nice letter back along with the badge.
I feel quite guilty now. Am I going straight to
hell?" Yes Dan, you are, and so are we for
linking to your shame.
http://www.revengeofthesyph.com/2006/04/wow.html
>> Claymation cocks <<
"I've made a loveley claymation, possibly NSFW,"
screams Bonzos, "Includes two cats, lots of willies
and childish humour. The good stuff." Heh, this
had us snotting milk. Aardman better watch out,
there is a new player on the block.
http://b3ta.com/links/8631
>> Duuuuuuude science <<
"I just conducted a somewhat pointless and very
geeky study" gesticulates Zcrispin0, "The problem
addressed? How many u's to put in the word
'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude'. Sorry it's not
knob-related." Good see our readers' science
education is not being wasted.
http://www.tropic.org.uk/~crispin/dude/
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: BABY VS BABY UPDATE
What cute babies have taught us...
A few weeks ago we launched BabyVsBaby, a site
where you can upload your childs photo and the
world can rate exactly how cute it is.
We've had over 500 bouncing b3ta babies submitted
so far, and about half a million battles fought.
We've noticed a few things and we thought we'd
share.
How to win:
* Girls are cuter than boys
* Big eyes help
* Smiling is a bonus
* Funny hats are always a winner
How to lose:
* Mucky faces = bad. Looks like they've
been eating shit
* Newborns. No one likes them except
their mums
* You're all racists. Black and Asian
babies aren't doing so well. Although
this might be just due to some crappy
photos
Other facts:
* Some people have been uploading photos
of themselves as kids, which is fine by
us. And actually is kind of interesting.
"Were you cute as a baby? Find out..."
* Some people upload their photos all
excited and then get very upset when they
don't find it in the top 10 and accuse us
of fixing the results
* But not as upset as the handful of people
whose child reached the 'losingest babies'
list. Sorry!
http://www.babyvsbaby.com/babies/winners/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Messing with the Dark Side
Last week we asked about your experiences with
Ouija boards, ghost hunts and other great ways
to wind up your mates with your *spooky* voice.
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwiththedarkside/
Here are three stories that amused us:
* Don't mess with my mum
"Forty years ago, when she was first married,
my mum had a gropey, sleazy, verbally abusive
old shitter of a boss. One night, after a
horrible day at work, she stood crying over
the sink peeling spuds for my dad's dinner.
In a fit of impotent rage, she stabbed one of
the potatoes right through with the knife,
shrieking "Die, you BASTARD!". Feeling slightly
better, she straightened her apron, checked the
kitchen clock to see how long she had before my
dad got in (it was 5.34pm), and resumed making
the dinner. The following day she got into work
to find that her boss had been killed outright
in a head-on car crash with a tractor on a
country road that previous evening. His watch
had broken on impact at 5.34pm. OK, it would be
more sensational/relevant if, instead of a tractor,
a vast potato had rolled out Raiders of the Lost
Ark-stylee and dispensed with him... but it's
still a BIT spooky." (weebear1974)
* "I attended a girls boarding school. Not just
any girls boarding school, but one for The Arts,
so you can at least double the amount of girlie
hystrionics because of all the arty thesps and
creative types. Anyway, as you do, we would all
gather to play Ouija and tell ghost stories after
lights out, and get ourselves all worked up into
girly panics and crying fits. It didn't help that
the school was a 16th century Mansion built by
King Charles II for Nell Gwyn with lots of secret
passageways, rooms and general creepy spookiness.
After one such ouija session a girl was telling
a particularly scary story. I decided to have a
little fun and up the ante. I crawled under the
domitory beds commando-style until I got to the
one at the end where my friend was sitting with
her legs hanging down. At the climax of the story
I reached out from under the bed and grabbed her
ankles, hard. I was rewarded with a loud scream
and a golden shower. Not such a good idea after
all." (Peelmytangerines)
* "Playing with a ouija board as a young teenager,
at some stupid party:
question: Can we talk to Sid Vicious?
answer: NO
question: Why not?
answer: BECAUSE HES DEAD" (Mildred)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the terrible meals
out you've had. Add your story to the rapidly
growing list of awful nights out:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crapmealsout/
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: LURKING CORNER
Silicon penis messageboard
chris359alpha writes - "Just thought I'd let
you know more about the guy with the silicon
enhanced penis you linked to the other week.
He has his own messageboard." Blimey, it is
strong stuff. You can read threads where they
spot which transexuals have injected silicon into
their penises, and debates on whether you should
inject your 'ass lips' to make anal sex more
pleasurable.
http://www.extremecock.org/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Alan Sugar animatronic head <<
A Davros-like Alan Sugar face that stiffly reels
off his catchphrases from The Apprentice. It's
so pikey making your own piss-poor cash-in
merchandise, but perversely we liked this - and
it's about ten times better than that em@iler
phone crap he's been touting every show anyway.
http://www.amstrad.com/amsface/
>> Peter Dow needs a woman <<
It's spring, the sap is rising and Peter Dow,
Scotland's self-styled National Standard Bearer,
is ready to take a woman. He's not fussy, as
long as her hips are at least 6" larger than her
waist and he can tolerate a lady who 'likes the
queen' as long as she doesn't mind that he 'wants
the queen dead.' This peculiar man has been
spamming the web's newsgroups this week with pics
of himself posing in his underwear. But in case
you missed that edifying sight, here's his love
pledge again - with sexy soundtrack.
http://scot.8k.com/lookingforawoman.htm
>> Pimp My Snack <<
Our own Fraser Lewry has been entertaining us
with giant foods for quite some time now. This
is a collection of similar culinary prodigies,
with a particularly fine line in scaled-up
biscuits. Mighty fine.
http://www.pimpmysnack.com/project.php
>> 'Drugs are bad' photos <<
So the site collected before and after shots of
crystal meth users, showing the ravages of the
drug on your face over the months and years.
So why are we kinking to this lady? We think she
looks funny. She was no oil painting before, but
after; like a ginger golliwog. Hehe.
http://snipurl.com/drugsdrugsdrugs
>> Goat on a pole <<
It's a goat on a pole! A fucking goat. On a
fucking pole. What more do you want? Some
sort of complex exegesis? Well, that is there
for you too.
http://www.goatonapole.com/
>> Mass cafe walkout <<
Harrassed beyond endurance by their obnoxious
boss, these four cafe workers shut the shop down
and walked out, leaving a massive note in the
window to for him to find. Wage slaves everywhere
salute them.
http://www.beyondrobson.com/city/2006/02/mutiny_at...
>> Dust houses <<
Artist Maria Adelaida Lopez cleaned houses to
make ends meet while she studied. She made these
peculiar little items using vacuum cleaner lint.
They look strangely like gothic, overgrown ruins.
http://mocoloco.com/art/archives/001661.php
>> Wickerpedia <<
Yes, that's not a typo. It's nice to see
someone take such a shit pun and then run
with it much further than strictly necessary.
http://www.wickerpedia.org/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
When dogs befriend squirrels
Richard writes - "I just found this page and
it is a whole festival of cute. That said, it
does apparently seem to be related to some nutter
from the Animal Liberation Front, and that group
has already twice firebombed my university."
Huzzah! Down with universities! Up with squirrels!
http://snipurl.com/kwfn
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: VIDEO KIDDEO FIDDLEO
Gah. Fucking broadband cuntery.
>> Sorry Ian Huntley <<
B3ta wish to formally apologise to child killer
Ian Huntley for suggesting last week that he
looks like UK Eurovision hopeful Daz Sampson.
Apparently, the lags at Belmarsh Prison have
been making his life a living hell by singing,
"What, did you learn in jail today? That's what
the screws used to say? And you drowned Holly
and Jessica in the bath you noncing cunt."
Anyway, in other news Daz's forum has been
taken down and he's also appeared on TV's Richard
and Judy to state once and for all that the song
isn't paedophillic in anyway whatsoever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8500
>> Pig Olympics<<
Say you were to attempt to make a sporting event
based around pigs? Do you really think the pigs
are going to bother to compete? Or will they just
rut, grunt and snuffle as normal? Find out...
BTW: They missed a trick by not calling it the
Olympigs.
http://snipurl.com/olympigs
>> Clever whales <<
We were talking to Joel Veitch the other day and
he was claiming, "I know they are an endangered
species but I'd love to eat a whale. Eskimos are
allowed to hunt them, I want to be an Eskimo."
Well, young Veitch, this link is for you. Whales
are too clever to be eaten, don't do it.
http://snipurl.com/whaley
>> Satan's Clown <<
"I found this on Saturday," laments Scott Williams,
"It's some little Satan clown talking to himself
on the phone. No idea what he is saying. I think
he says condoms." Disturbing - this child is
clearly off his head face on Sunny D LSD potatoes.
http://snipurl.com/satansclown
>> "Help me Neil!" <<
A frankly scary video of a man being arrested by
the fuzz, pepper sprayed and screaming for help.
We don't know the background to this, but we hope
he's alright.
http://www.break.com/index/runfromcop.html
>> Lady gets punched <<
We always enjoy a short bit of violence.
http://disloyal.org/videos/807/ladygetspunched.htm...
>> John Lennon is a spacker <<
Pleasing edit of the one-time Beatle making mong
noises and spazzclapping on stage. The thing is,
we wouldn't put it past Lennon to have done this
for real. The man used to piss on nuns for
God's sake!
http://b3ta.com/links/8264
>> Bob Ross darts <<
Another happy video mash-up, this time mixing
the artist Bob Ross doing a painting tutorial
and a game of darts. Made us wince. So if you
fancy having a good wince then take a look.
http://b3ta.com/links/8204
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Cat bass & more cocks
>> Cat Bass! <<
Who hasn't thought of pulling a cat's tail taut
and twanging it like a guitar string? Thanks
Davideo for making our kitteny dreams come true.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/catbass.htm
>> Pompei penii <<
"Whilst on holiday in Pompei", thepimpking, "I
found evidence of the first ever b3tans, just
look at the sculptures."
http://img89.imageshack.us/my.php
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Rape my eyes with glass, it's back
>> Nad cream <<
Worried about your unsightly nads? Smooth away
your problems with some nad cream. Sometimes we
think people do this stuff on purpose just so that
websites will link to them. (And yes Marmite! We're
talking about YOU! And your goatse style icons on
your new website.)
http://snipurl.com/nadcream
>> T.O.A.S.T <<
Is Toast really the best name they could come up with
for an obesity awareness organisation?
http://www.toast-uk.org.uk/about.htm
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: SHIT MARKETING
"Insensitive' hospital brochure
While travelling through Thailand, b3ta reader
Harry Kumquat picked up a brochure for the
Samitivej Sukhumvit hospital. Speaks for itself.
We suspect they treat people who describe
themselves as "kerrrazzy."
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/samitivej.jpg
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Behind The Desktop Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what you'd find if you
peeled off the wallpaper on your computer desktop.
Our favourites included:
* SCREEN OF DEATH - After viewing this, we had to
unplug the computer. Simply terrifying.
(Butters)
* LEMMINGS - Strangly hypnotic. Where do they all
come from? Where do they all go? Where did that
hole in my monitor come from? (WhoElse)
* OFFICE ASSISTANTS ON BREAK - A sordid glance into
the debauched, secret World of those irritating
Micropsoft characters. (oldgreyhouse)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop/
>> New challenge: Alternative Energy <<
We're running out of coal, the Ruskies control most
of the World's natural gas, and our oil reserves won't
last forever. Basically, we're fucked. Unless, of
course, we come up with some alternative energy
sources. What will they be?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/energy/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FUNNY TRANSLATIONS - Richibald writes,"In the
tradition of rude names corner, you might try
asking someone to give you the Afrikaans
translation of 'Choose your subject and side'.
Before they realise it, they will have said
something that sounds quite rude in English."
'Kies you vak en kant,' is what they'll
actually be saying. Afrikaans is so sweary.
* WE WERE BEING IRONIC when we asked for the
virtual bubblewrap and hampsterdance last week.
We didn't mean it, dammit! Here's a list of
the people who sent us the link. Bah. A pox
on you all!
Chris Stevens
FluffyChunks
rita.damper
paulstone
sahra1107
SENTINEL007FL
irene.a.somers
chris
kiktea
Count Dante
Tallywhacker
WhoElse
Mstandot
And a special 'aww, bless' to Samlovesrainbows,
who was so moved by our virtual bubblewrap-less
plight that he took the time out to make one
for us. That was (kind of) sweet.
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/7184/bubblepop7...
* TANKCHAIR - this all-terrain wheelchair
featured in last week's newsletter and everybody
wanted one. We Are The Lemon went as far as
mailing the maker and asking to buy one. He
received the reply, "I am not building anymore
right now as I am working on a new one that
will make my first one obsolete. I don't want
to take anyone's money and tell them it what
they are buying will be second-class in six months.
My new chair will be self-leveling and will be
able to carry a payload to 500lbs. (227 kilos).
It will also be able go indoors and fit in the
40"x30" ADA envelope." Woo! Tankchair 2 should
really also come with a massive rocket launcher.
* B3TA BANNED YET AGAIN - "I enrolled in a flash
course at Tafe in western Australia," brags jane.
"The lecturer asked us for good flash sites and
I said b3ta and tried to go there and guess what
...YOU ARE FORBIDDEN. I dropped out in protest
at the censorship. Now I still don't know how
to make flash animations... but I at least left
them wondering what the hell I was on about.
That's the main thing."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MORE INTERCOM FUN - barrythief squalks
"Reading the 'reverse intercom' game in the
newsletter reminded me of my favourite uni
prank - press two flat's buzzers from the
outside, then revel in the confusion as they
interrogate each other."
* MORE BLUE PETER BADGE BAITING - Can you
get a badge AND get a goatse broadcast on
kids TV?
* REMAKE DISASTER MOVIES WITH FOOD -
build a sky scraper made of cheese and
hold a hairdryer to it until it melts, title
it Towering Cheesferno. Or Brie Willy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff, Vegetables,
Freetheminks and FostersBostersCosters.
Top Tippery by Flowerpot
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Nods to b4ta. (108580 - 34358)
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TOP TIP:
Apparently last weeks bottle tip was "daft"
and the corect solution is "secure an elastic
band around the top, make sure it's tight and
unscrew it." Gah, you bunch of tip-busting cunts.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs,
your boss fears us!
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_apr28/
