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This Week:
* COCKS - Made of clay
* SCAM - Undeserved Blue Peter badges
* JOHN LENNON - What a fucking spacker

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 226 - 28 Apr 2006

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  Highstreet Headache

  If the lorries don't get you, the cyclists will.
  Avoid getting squished on hell's highstreet and
  pick up a Nokia online store golden ticket.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Blue Peter, Clay & Dude, where's the science?

  >> Blue Peter scam! <<
  UK readers will know that kids tv show Blue Peter
  is a cultural institution. It's been on telly for
  50 years, and generations of kids have grown up
  loving it. Much like b3ta, the show relies on
  its viewers to send in interesting things to
  feature. They are rewarded with the coveted Blue
  Peter badge. Therefore, it would be very wrong
  to write to them pretending to be a kid just so
  that you can get a badge. Dan Coop writes, "They
  sent me a nice letter back along with the badge.
  I feel quite guilty now. Am I going straight to
  hell?" Yes Dan, you are, and so are we for
  linking to your shame.

  >> Claymation cocks <<
  "I've made a loveley claymation, possibly NSFW,"
  screams Bonzos, "Includes two cats, lots of willies
  and childish humour. The good stuff." Heh, this
  had us snotting milk. Aardman better watch out,
  there is a new player on the block.

  >> Duuuuuuude science <<
  "I just conducted a somewhat pointless and very
  geeky study" gesticulates Zcrispin0, "The problem
  addressed?  How many u's to put in the word
  'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude'. Sorry it's not
  knob-related."  Good see our readers' science
  education is not being wasted.


  What cute babies have taught us...

  A few weeks ago we launched BabyVsBaby, a site
  where you can upload your childs photo and the
  world can rate exactly how cute it is.

  We've had over 500 bouncing b3ta babies submitted
  so far, and about half a million battles fought.

  We've noticed a few things and we thought we'd

  How to win:
  * Girls are cuter than boys
  * Big eyes help
  * Smiling is a bonus
  * Funny hats are always a winner

  How to lose:
  * Mucky faces = bad. Looks like they've
    been eating shit
  * Newborns. No one likes them except
    their mums
  * You're all racists. Black and Asian
    babies aren't doing so well. Although
    this might be just due to some crappy
  Other facts:
  * Some people have been uploading photos
    of themselves as kids, which is fine by
    us. And actually is kind of interesting.
    "Were you cute as a baby? Find out..."
  * Some people upload their photos all
    excited and then get very upset when they
    don't find it in the top 10 and accuse us
    of fixing the results
  * But not as upset as the handful of people
    whose child reached the 'losingest babies'
    list. Sorry!


  Messing with the Dark Side
  Last week we asked about your experiences with
  Ouija boards, ghost hunts and other great ways
  to wind up your mates with your *spooky* voice.

  Here are three stories that amused us:
  * Don't mess with my mum
    "Forty years ago, when she was first married,
    my mum had a gropey, sleazy, verbally abusive
    old shitter of a boss. One night, after a 
    horrible day at work, she stood crying over
    the sink peeling spuds for my dad's dinner.
    In a fit of impotent rage, she stabbed one of
    the potatoes right through with the knife,
    shrieking "Die, you BASTARD!". Feeling slightly
    better, she straightened her apron, checked the
    kitchen clock to see how long she had before my
    dad got in (it was 5.34pm), and resumed making
    the dinner. The following day she got into work
    to find that her boss had been killed outright
    in a head-on car crash with a tractor on a
    country road that previous evening. His watch
    had broken on impact at 5.34pm. OK, it would be
    more sensational/relevant if, instead of a tractor,
    a vast potato had rolled out Raiders of the Lost
    Ark-stylee and dispensed with him... but it's
    still a BIT spooky." (weebear1974)
  * "I attended a girls boarding school. Not just
    any girls boarding school, but one for The Arts,
    so you can at least double the amount of girlie
    hystrionics because of all the arty thesps and
    creative types. Anyway, as you do, we would all
    gather to play Ouija and tell ghost stories after
    lights out, and get ourselves all worked up into
    girly panics and crying fits. It didn't help that
    the school was a 16th century Mansion built by
    King Charles II for Nell Gwyn with lots of secret
    passageways, rooms and general creepy spookiness.
    After one such ouija session a girl was telling
    a particularly scary story. I decided to have a
    little fun and up the ante. I crawled under the
    domitory beds commando-style until I got to the
    one at the end where my friend was sitting with
    her legs hanging down. At the climax of the story
    I reached out from under the bed and grabbed her
    ankles, hard. I was rewarded with a loud scream
    and a golden shower. Not such a good idea after
    all." (Peelmytangerines)
  * "Playing with a ouija board as a young teenager,
    at some stupid party:
      question: Can we talk to Sid Vicious?
      answer:   NO
      question: Why not?
      answer:   BECAUSE HES DEAD" (Mildred)
  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to tell us about the terrible meals
  out you've had. Add your story to the rapidly
  growing list of awful nights out:


  Silicon penis messageboard

  chris359alpha writes - "Just thought I'd let
  you know more about the guy with the silicon
  enhanced penis you linked to the other week.
  He has his own messageboard." Blimey, it is
  strong stuff. You can read threads where they
  spot which transexuals have injected silicon into
  their penises, and debates on whether you should
  inject your 'ass lips' to make anal sex more


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Alan Sugar animatronic head <<
  A Davros-like Alan Sugar face that stiffly reels
  off his catchphrases from The Apprentice. It's
  so pikey making your own piss-poor cash-in
  merchandise, but perversely we liked this - and
  it's about ten times better than that em@iler
  phone crap he's been touting every show anyway.

  >> Peter Dow needs a woman <<
  It's spring, the sap is rising and Peter Dow,
  Scotland's self-styled National Standard Bearer,
  is ready to take a woman. He's not fussy, as
  long as her hips are at least 6" larger than her
  waist and he can tolerate a lady who 'likes the
  queen' as long as she doesn't mind that he 'wants
  the queen dead.' This peculiar man has been
  spamming the web's newsgroups this week with pics
  of himself posing in his underwear. But in case
  you missed that edifying sight, here's his love
  pledge again - with sexy soundtrack.

  >> Pimp My Snack <<
  Our own Fraser Lewry has been entertaining us
  with giant foods for quite some time now. This
  is a collection of similar culinary prodigies,
  with a particularly fine line in scaled-up
  biscuits. Mighty fine.

  >> 'Drugs are bad' photos <<
  So the site collected before and after shots of
  crystal meth users, showing the ravages of the
  drug on your face over the months and years.
  So why are we kinking to this lady? We think she
  looks funny. She was no oil painting before, but
  after; like a ginger golliwog. Hehe.

  >> Goat on a pole <<
  It's a goat on a pole! A fucking goat. On a
  fucking pole. What more do you want? Some
  sort of complex exegesis? Well, that is there
  for you too.

  >> Mass cafe walkout <<
  Harrassed beyond endurance by their obnoxious
  boss, these four cafe workers shut the shop down
  and walked out, leaving a massive note in the
  window to for him to find. Wage slaves everywhere
  salute them. 

  >> Dust houses <<
  Artist Maria Adelaida Lopez cleaned houses to
  make ends meet while she studied. She made these
  peculiar little items using vacuum cleaner lint.
  They look strangely like gothic, overgrown ruins.

  >> Wickerpedia <<
  Yes, that's not a typo. It's nice to see
  someone take such a shit pun and then run
  with it much further than strictly necessary.


  When dogs befriend squirrels

  Richard writes - "I just found this page and
  it is a whole festival of cute. That said, it
  does apparently seem to be related to some nutter
  from the Animal Liberation Front, and that group
  has already twice firebombed my university."
  Huzzah! Down with universities! Up with squirrels!


  Gah. Fucking broadband cuntery.

  >> Sorry Ian Huntley <<
  B3ta wish to formally apologise to child killer
  Ian Huntley for suggesting last week that he
  looks like UK Eurovision hopeful Daz Sampson.
  Apparently, the lags at Belmarsh Prison have
  been making his life a living hell by singing,
  "What, did you learn in jail today? That's what
  the screws used to say? And you drowned Holly
  and Jessica in the bath you noncing cunt."
  Anyway, in other news Daz's forum has been
  taken down and he's also appeared on TV's Richard
  and Judy to state once and for all that the song
  isn't paedophillic in anyway whatsoever. 

  >> Pig Olympics<<
  Say you were to attempt to make a sporting event 
  based around pigs? Do you really think the pigs
  are going to bother to compete? Or will they just
  rut, grunt and snuffle as normal? Find out...
  BTW: They missed a trick by not calling it the

  >> Clever whales <<
  We were talking to Joel Veitch the other day and
  he   was claiming, "I know they are an endangered
  species but I'd love to eat a whale. Eskimos are
  allowed to hunt them, I want to be an Eskimo."
  Well, young Veitch, this link is for you. Whales
  are too clever to be eaten, don't do it.

  >> Satan's Clown <<
  "I found this on Saturday," laments Scott Williams,
  "It's some little Satan clown talking to himself
  on the phone. No idea what he is saying. I think
  he says condoms." Disturbing - this child is
  clearly off his head face on Sunny D LSD potatoes.

  >> "Help me Neil!" <<
  A frankly scary video of a man being arrested by
  the  fuzz, pepper sprayed and screaming for help.
  We don't know the background to this, but we hope
  he's alright.

  >> Lady gets punched <<
  We always enjoy a short bit of violence.

  >> John Lennon is a spacker <<
  Pleasing edit of the one-time Beatle making mong
  noises and spazzclapping on stage. The thing is,
  we wouldn't put it past Lennon to have done this
  for real. The man used to piss on nuns for
  God's sake!

  >> Bob Ross darts <<
  Another happy video mash-up, this time mixing
  the artist Bob Ross doing a painting tutorial
  and a game of darts. Made us wince. So if you
  fancy having a good wince then take a look.


  Cat bass & more cocks

  >> Cat Bass! <<
  Who hasn't thought of pulling a cat's tail taut
  and twanging it like a guitar string? Thanks
  Davideo for making our kitteny dreams come true.

  >> Pompei penii <<
  "Whilst on holiday in Pompei", thepimpking, "I
  found evidence of the first ever b3tans, just
  look at the sculptures."


  Rape my eyes with glass, it's back

  >> Nad cream <<
  Worried about your unsightly nads? Smooth away
  your problems with some nad cream. Sometimes we
  think people do this stuff on purpose just so that
  websites will link to them. (And yes Marmite! We're
  talking about YOU! And your goatse style icons on
  your new website.)

  >> T.O.A.S.T <<
  Is Toast really the best name they could come up with
  for an obesity awareness organisation? 


  "Insensitive' hospital brochure

  While travelling through Thailand, b3ta reader
  Harry Kumquat picked up a brochure for the 
  Samitivej Sukhumvit hospital.  Speaks for itself.
  We suspect they treat people who describe
  themselves as "kerrrazzy."


  Results from the Behind The Desktop Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what you'd find if you 
  peeled off the wallpaper on your computer desktop.

  Our favourites included:
  * SCREEN OF DEATH - After viewing this, we had to 
    unplug the computer. Simply terrifying.

  * LEMMINGS - Strangly hypnotic. Where do they all 
    come from? Where do they all go? Where did that 
    hole in my monitor come from? (WhoElse)

  * OFFICE ASSISTANTS ON BREAK - A sordid glance into 
    the debauched, secret World of those irritating 
    Micropsoft characters. (oldgreyhouse)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Alternative Energy <<
  We're running out of coal, the Ruskies control most 
  of the World's natural gas, and our oil reserves won't 
  last forever. Basically, we're fucked. Unless, of 
  course, we come up with some alternative energy 
  sources. What will they be?

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FUNNY TRANSLATIONS - Richibald writes,"In the
    tradition of rude names corner, you might try
    asking someone to give you the Afrikaans
    translation of 'Choose your subject and side'.
    Before they realise it, they will have said
    something that sounds quite rude in English."
    'Kies you vak en kant,' is what they'll
    actually be saying. Afrikaans is so sweary. 
  * WE WERE BEING IRONIC when we asked for the
    virtual bubblewrap and hampsterdance last week.
    We didn't mean it, dammit! Here's a list of
    the people who sent us the link. Bah. A pox
    on you all!

      Chris Stevens
      Count Dante

    And a special 'aww, bless' to Samlovesrainbows,
    who was so moved by our virtual bubblewrap-less
    plight that he took the time out to make one
    for us. That was (kind of) sweet.

  * TANKCHAIR - this all-terrain wheelchair
    featured in last week's newsletter and everybody
    wanted one. We Are The Lemon went as far as
    mailing the maker and asking to buy one. He
    received the reply, "I am not building anymore
    right now as I am working on a new one that
    will make my first one obsolete. I don't want
    to take anyone's money and tell them it what
    they are buying will be second-class in six months.
    My new chair will be self-leveling and will be
    able to carry a payload to 500lbs. (227 kilos).
    It will also be able go indoors and fit in the
    40"x30" ADA envelope." Woo! Tankchair 2 should
    really also come with a massive rocket launcher.

  * B3TA BANNED YET AGAIN - "I enrolled in a flash
    course at Tafe in western Australia," brags jane.
    "The lecturer asked us for good flash sites and
    I said b3ta and tried to go there and guess what
    ...YOU ARE FORBIDDEN. I dropped out in protest
    at the censorship. Now I still don't know how
    to make flash animations... but I at least left
    them wondering what the hell I was on about.
    That's the main thing."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MORE INTERCOM FUN - barrythief squalks
    "Reading the 'reverse intercom' game in the
    newsletter reminded me of my favourite uni
     prank - press two flat's buzzers from the
    outside, then revel in the confusion as they
    interrogate each other."
    get a badge AND get a goatse broadcast on 
    kids TV?

    build a sky scraper made of cheese and
    hold a hairdryer to it until it melts, title 
    it Towering Cheesferno. Or Brie Willy.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff, Vegetables, 
  Freetheminks and FostersBostersCosters.
  Top Tippery by Flowerpot
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Nods to b4ta. (108580 - 34358)

  Apparently last weeks bottle tip was "daft"
  and the corect solution is "secure an elastic
  band around the top, make sure it's tight and
  unscrew it." Gah, you bunch of tip-busting cunts.



  Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs,
  your boss fears us!

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