NEWSLETTER: "CUTTING OFF OUR BOLLOCKS TO SPITE OUR COCK"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Pop-up ads you WOULD click
* ANIM - Jonti eats crabs
* TOY - Google trends
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 228 - 12 May 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue228/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Finally... Some not shit podcatst
Fed up with listening to your 10,000 favourite
songs on your iPod? Probably not. But if you do
fancy a bit of a change then download some of
our free podcasts. They're less crap than most
and more fun a listen than some of the scary
Radio 4 ones.
http://www.creationpodcasts.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Crabs, Pepsi & Apple vs Apple
>> Jonti eats crabs <<
Jonti has written one of his song loops about
shoving crustaceans in his mouth. He claims, "It
was about George Bush to begin with but the
missus pointed out that I'm shit at politics."
We like it for the blood.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/crabs/
>> Pepsi vs Mentos <<
"After seeing all these exploding Pepsi bottles
with Mentos videos", splurts Davideo, "I wondered
if its actually possible to mix the ingredients
internally and jump up and down." Check the
results, we suspect this will go down well on
the web, not just because it's a nice simple
joke, but because it's performed by an attractive
woman in a low cut top. (And we've just trebled
the clicks by writing that.)
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/pepsigirl.htm
>> John Lennon invents iPod <<
Peter Serafinowicz is best-known as the voice
of Darth Maul and one of the team behind BBC's
Look Around You - for whom we ran a competition
a few years back to get your photoshops on telly.
Anyway, he's been a busy boy doing his bestest
impressions of the Beatles and has created this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: CONVERSATION STARTERS
Britain has gone to the dogs. Discuss.
* NO MORE BLUE SMARTIES
Nestle Rowntree is removing all artificial
colours from the popular sweeties and, as
there is no natural blue dye, they'll be
albino white.
* NO MORE MR. WHIPPY?
UK health lobby has added an amendment to the
Education and Inspection Bill to give give
local authorities the power to ban ice-cream
vans, in particular ones close to schools.
* MO MORE UK HP SAUCE
Heinz are moving the production of the
traditional British sauce to Holland.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Bingo (includes naked bloke for the ladies)
Meet Barry - he likes to boogie round his bedroom
and what’s more he just can’t stop playing with
his balls!
http://www.butlinsbingo-competition.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Ignoring Instructions
We wanted your stories of instructions ignored:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/
* Army
"After a lot of running around (4 weeks) and
general shit they finally issued us with
bayonets. And, being the Army, a lecture on
your bayonet. "A bayonet is a sword. It goes
on the end of your rifle and is for sticking
in people. You cannot throw a bayonet. They've
been specifically designed so they *can't* be
thrown and I don't give a fuck what you've seen
on the telly!!" Lecture over. Corporal moves
away. Bayonet whips through the air and sticks
in a tree just above his head... "Legless!!
I saw that you fucking horrible turd. What
have I just told you!!" "That you can't throw
a bayonet," I mumbled. "I was just checking"
"Well check this out - MAP reference 62,34,27
there's a tin can on the top of the cairn. Go
and get it for me." 15 miles in full pack and
rifle (and bayonet) with an enraged corporal
screaming at me from the window of a 4-tonner.
I really had to learn to keep my mouth shut
and my head down..." (Legless)
* Abuse. Abuse.
"When I was about 12 we had the special class
about abstinence and baby-making. We all had
to take home an electronic baby-thing that
would cry and you'd have to stick the correct
key into its back. The teacher told me to make
sure I supported its head (which was on a hinge)
or the "ABUSE" light would come on and it'd cry
forever. Well, I wasn't careful enough and let
its head fall back. It snapped off of the hinge
and rolled across the floor, and the thing
started to scream, no key worked so I had to
yank the battery out. So I showed up at my
teacher's house on Saturday with a beheaded,
disemboweled baby in my arms. I still passed
the class somehow." (tr1nity)
* Abort. Abort. Abort.
"I was on a singles website and ticked the
'accept terms and conditions' box without
reading them. Thus I completely missed the
instruction 'by contacting anyone on this
site, you accept that having sex once is
worth being dragged into a vortex of someone
else's mental illness.'" (apeloverage)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your funeral stories. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Sexworker slang <<
We spent an enjoyable few minutes scanning
through this glossary of terms used in the
shady world of full service escort agencies.
We already knew what 'French' and 'English'
were, but 'Italian' and 'Russian'? Is no
nationality free of kinks?
http://www.escorts.com/glossary.html
>> Google trends <<
Google has finally brought out its own version
of the Googlebattle / Which is Better-type
website. Put in your choices and see which
really is the bestest, according to the googlegeist.
It's already conclusively proven that Flickr is
better than Duran Duran. And that sex is better
than eBay. Can you get better than sex?
http://www.google.com/trends
>> Ghoulish eBay <<
Are you a rich, morbid homosexual? Why not buy
the propellor of the very Piper Comanche light
aircraft in which Patsy Cline met her tragically
early death? A fucking huge chunk of mangled
metal makes a wonderful conversation piece too.
http://snipurl.com/patsydead
>> Animals - who drive! <<
It's a bumper treat for fans of animals in
atypical situations - no less than fifty images
(alas, not all of them real) of cute critters
at the controls of cars. Love the 1950s dog
in the massive straw hat.
http://snipurl.com/driveyanimals
>> Finger impressions <<
You wouldn't expect the typical finger to have
much in the way of self-expression. But check
out these shots of a variety of digits doing
dress-up. Or is it just a portfolio of the
many moods of one, supremely gifted, finger?
http://www.irdel.com/finger/
>> Fainting, flying fat man <<
Atlanta journalist Steve Beatty joined the Blue
Angels (which we imagine to be an American Red
Arrows) as they performed an aerobatic display
over his home city. Check out scene two to see
him passing out from G-force in true comic style.
http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/bluea...
>> Aqua pub <<
Summer's pretty much here and so it's beer garden
time again. This impressive inflatable goes one
better, allowing you and your mates to sit around
boozing while floating in the sea or a pool.
Smoking would probably be a no-no though.
heheh http://www.beachcomber.com/Gadget/Water/aquapub.ht...
>> "Why did he cut off that man's leg? <<
Bit of a long read, but an interesting one for
all that. Journalist Paul Ciotti tracks down an
unlicensed backstreet sex-change surgeon. Was he
a swindler - or a pioneer? And what possessed
him to amputate a perfectly healthy leg?
http://snipurl.com/amputeegleeheehee
>> Avenue Q comes to the UK <<
The musical Avenue Q is on it way to the UK.
Why is this a big deal? It's the Sesame Street
style puppets-singing goodness that gave us
the now-legendary 'The Internet is For Porn',
so we're all excited about finally seeing it.
http://www.avenueqthemusical.co.uk/
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: RUDE MARKETING
Nando chicken arseholes
"Y'know the Nandos logo?" clucks
Jaffa The Cake, "Am I the only person who thinks
it looks like a chicken facing away from the
camera, sporting a huge heart-shaped gaping
arsehole?" Nope, you are exactly right.
We'll never see this logo in the same way
again.
http://snipurl.com/nandoarsehole
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Broadmoor pony rides for the under 7s
This needs a bit of background for
our international readers. To us, Broadmoor
means an asylum for the criminally insane,
housing famous killers such as Peter Sutcliffe.
Although, perhaps they've cured him and
he's great with the kids now.
http://snipurl.com/broadmoorkidsponys
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Football, Cal book, Summer burn & Fuhrer blog
>> Joel football thing <<
The Veitch has been getting pretty excited about
the impending World Cup, and has written a song
to celebrate such stuff. The only problem is that
he knows fuck all about football, a fact reflected
in his song-writing. He covers up with cheerful
enthusiasm though, which is handy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/9877
>> Cal writes a book <<
Cal, co-founder of B3ta has gone on to international
renown by leading the technical team behind Flickr,
everyone's favourite photo-sharing website. In fact,
he's pretty much become the most famous coder on
the planet, guest-speaking at every Web 2.0 event
you can think of. And so comes the inevitable book,
"I Am Cal, and you can be an Ajax genius too if you
follow my simple steps." Available to pre-order on
Amazon now, buy it either for yourself or a Christmas
gift for your javascript-obsessed milk man. BTW:
notice the cover. 'Scalable websites' and it's got
a fish on it! Did you see what they did there? Did you?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/059610235...
>> Summer Burn is back, back!, BACK!!!<<
Last year we bigged up Summer Burn where you could swap
CDs of your favourite tunes with random internet punters.
FJ_Reg babbles, "Lots and lots and lots and lots of
people signed up via the b3ta newsletter last year,
so firstly, thanks for that, and secondly, do you
want to let them know again?" Ok, why not?
http://www.funjunkie.co.uk/the_summer_burn.cfm
>> Fuhrer blog: Website name trends <<
This week your ginger Fuhrer has been pondering on
how to name your new website and has written a simple
tool to help you out.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/05/10/trends-in-web-...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Lost Things Challenge
Last week we wanted to know why stuff goes
missing, and what it gets up to when it's gone.
Our favourites included:
* JOHN MALKOVICH - Parallel worlds within
parallel worlds in this movie-themed
mind-fuck. (Absynth&Cheese)
* CAR KEY vs SHED KEY - Startling revelations
from the private lives of keys. Amazing
what goes on when you're not watching.
(The Neville)
* SOCK SUICIDE - Desperate, poignant tale of what
happens when life beconmes too much for one
forlorn sock. Genuinely tragic.
(The Neville)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lost/
>> New challenge: Reinventing Banner Ads <<
Banner ads don't work. Everyone ignores them.
So let's save the online advertising industry
and reinvent the damn things. Show us the kind
of web advertising that would make you click...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE SWEARY AFRIKAANS - Sarah
curses, "I live on the East Coast (KwaZulu-Natal)
- a popular street is 'Waterkant' which means
'Waterside'" What a cunt that must be.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PISSINGCONTEST.COM - users upload videos of
themselves having a slash. Person who can piss
the longest, wins.
* WHO-CAN-PISS-THE-HIGHEST.TV - build a urinal
in Central London with built-in video cameras.
Stick a tape-measure to the wall. Highest
pisses get compiled into a half-hour show
for E4. Barry Normal presents, he's funny
and he needs the work.
* OLYMPISS GAMES - these and other 'yellow sports'
combined into an international celebration of
urinary excellence. Other events include; cross
swords, drawing faces in the snow and 'piss
balloons' where punters use their fingers to
seal their penises and inflate their foreskins
with pee. Sponsored by Nintendo Wii.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by cojonito, lankygingerfool,
joeyv7, karlg.dj, ratking and Phagenius
Top Tippery by seacretiveinegma
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Woo to b4ta. (108765 - 35133)
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TOP TIP:
Prior to using paint or varnish, you should
drink milk to line your stomach. This will
protect you from any toxic fumes you breath in.
Oil, however, would be the best choice if you are
planning on drinking that paint or varnish, as
it's then easier for the hospital to pump your
stomach contents out afterwards. Strange but true.
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: SPONSORED LINK (Jobs + free kittens)
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs,
your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may12/
