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This Week:
* VIDEO - Peter Cook as a PG Tips chimp
* ANIM - Diana's life in 10 seconds
* PHOTOS - Shite tattoos

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 229 - 19 May 2006

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  German super-glue
  Hear about the Irish glue sniffer? He stuck
  his lips together with Sellotape. Now watch
  this clip for some Germans doing one better.


  Peter 'PG Tips' Cook, Di-die-day & Dictators

  >> Derek & Clive chimps <<
  It's the classic Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore
  sketch about Jayne Seymour's bum-lobsters, but
  dubbed onto chimps by CCC. It's great, like
  the ad campaign PG Tips should have run...
  NSFW if you object to monkeys saying "fuck."

  >> Diana in ten seconds <<
  Mushybees proudly presents the sequel to his 
  'ten second Kurt Cobain' animation, which caused
  a certain amount of net controversy with Nirvana
  who thought he was "lame". This time, he's out
  to alienate the Elton John fans and Mohammed
  al-Fayed. Here's hoping for another one with
  George Best. Or even better, with Pete Doherty
  (to spell it out, we wish him dead).

  >> Who's your favourite dictator <<
  Psythot wrote to a number of UK celebrities,
  asking "Who is your favourite 20th century 
  dictator?" He did it in the hopes of getting
  some sort of 'Carol Vordeman loves Hitler'
  revelation, but in the absence of that, a few
  interesting answers. He also wrote to all UKIP
  MPs asking what their least-favourite jelly baby
  is, hoping at least one would confess to 'not
  liking blacks.'


: CONVERSATION STARTERS (old people, read this)
  Britain has gone to the dogs 

  * Over two thirds of Britons having read the
    Da Vinci Code believe that Jesus fathered
    a child. We despair, it's a work of fiction
    for fucks sake.

  * Shane Ritchie and Vinnie Jones are to star
    in the 32nd Carry On film, Carry On London. 
    Hell's bells, this sounds shit doesn't it?

  * Heinz is releasing a readymade beans-on
    -toast sandwich, similar to pop-tarts.
    As if Pot Noodle being voted the most
    hated brand ever wasn't enough.


  Crazy Russian dancing guy
  Those Russkies. Not content with ruling half of
  Eastern Europe with an Iron fist, they've used
  their technological might to upgrade the humble
  peasant into a dancing electronic monkey, cavorting
  for the amusement of the decadent West. Watch it
  before Gorbachev has it removed from the airwaves.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Putting the Fun in Funeral

  We wanted your funeral stories:

  Follow the link for the extraordinary lengths
  Felidae had to go to to scatter the ashes of
  a friend's horse, but in the meantime these
  three amused us greatly:

  * Angel Cussed
    "Ben, one of my best friends, died very
    suddenly towards the end of last year. He
    was an amazing guy, and the funeral was
    attended by a multitude of people, all from
    different lives. Ben had that effect on most
    people that he met - everyone there felt proud
    to have been his friend. Ben's sister was
    saying a few words in front of everyone; God
    knows how she did it. I, like most people
    there, was in absolutely no state to even
    string together a sentence. Ben's niece, a
    very cute girl of about 5, was there wearing
    her favourite fairy suit with wings. Seeing
    her mum so upset, but not really understanding
    what was happening, she went to give her mum
    a hug. As she was lifted up, she found herself
    in front of hundreds of adults, all of whom
    were in some sort of state. She raised her
    head up, slowly looked at us all, then very
    clearly said: 'Fuck'" (geegee)

  * Coffins
    "I went out with a girl who worked for a
    funeral home, and fairly early into the
    whole dating thing, she told me that since
    I'm so tall, I should think about starting
    a fund to pay for my custom coffin, as I
    won't fit in a standard one. The relationship
    didn't last." (mikewicked)

  * A message from beyond
    "Dad had died and his coffin was brought back
    to the house so people could pay their last
    respects. The close family are gathered around
    the coffin in the dining room. My brother-in-law
    tactfully softened the lighting ready for the
    candles to be brought out. No-one could say
    anything. Eventually my brother found the
    courage to ask "do you think he's up there
    looking down on us?" a tremble in his voice.
    Tears welled in my eyes. My sister remained
    silent. All eyes turned to the coffin.  And
    then, amazingly, the lights became incredibly,
    fiercely bright. In a split second the room
    was then pitched into absolute darkness.
    Silence. Then the lights slowly returned to
    their previous softness. Mum hopefully looked
    up to the heavens for another impossible sign
    from my dear, deceased father. Then my brother
    in-law, with real fear in his voice, announced:
    'Sorry everyone... I just leant on the dimmer
    switch.'" (Error 404 - Username Unknown)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the worst
  nicknames you've heard:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Bad tattoos <<
  As sure as milk is stinky and cigarettes give
  you cancer, bad tattoos are always an internet
  crowd pleaser.  We almost didn't bother clicking
  this link as it seemed such old hat, but we did
  and, Jesus cocking Christ we loved it. What kind
  of fucktard gets Jacko fruiting up Macaulay Culkin
  inked on their leg? Or a casino website address
  on their forehead? Or Pee-wee Herman on their arm?
  We tried cracking one out but our collective cocks
  went limp. Possibly it was the Anne Robinson tattoos
  on our forearms. She winks as we flex, putting
  us off out stroke in a disturbingly knowing

  >> Hooray for wanking babies! <<
  We just wrote that title to set off the peado
  filters in your office email. They are coming
  for you now, so settle down and make sure you
  have some quite innocent material on your screen,
  such as the this wedding photographer's portfolio
  which feature's a close up of a toddler wanking
  someone off.  2nd row down, far left. Ok, it's
  only a finger, but that's how it all started for
  official B3ta nonce Ian Huntley.

  >> Buy life size Alien <<
  Our favourite bit of the Alien film was when
  Sigourney Weaver shags Rick Moranis and they
  turn into dogs. Oh bollocks, that was Gorillas
  in the Mist. Ermm, oh fuck it, check this eBay
  auction anyway.

  >> Sound that makes you shit <<
  "My friend Donal", boasts David, "is trying to
  create 'The Brown Note' from south park; a noise
  that makes the listener shit themselves. Normal
  speakers can't recreate the noise, so he's going
  to use the sound system at the music venue he
  works at..." Woo. We hope he succeeds. Sonic
  Weaponry is the new kittens for 2006. Word.


  Helping Youtube spend $1m on bandwidth per month
  >> Cycling dog <<
  Most dogs barely manage with four legs, so it's
  all the more impressive that this one can cycle
  sedately on a trip to the shops. Still looks
  fucking stupid though.

  >> Swearing grandma <<
  Your license fee money at work - the BBC has
  taken an innocent old lady and taught her how
  to say rude words. At least, that's what we
  presume to be the case. Old folks don't really
  know any bad words, do they?

  >> Gay mountaineer <<
  Nice bit of Freudian slippery from this news
  presenter - man manages to climb mountain despite
  being gay. Spoiler: He isn't really gay.

  >> Ukulele Nirvana <<
  Great to see a big bunch of ukulele-wielding
  suits rocking out to 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'.
  It's an appearance by the Ukulele Orchestra of
  Great Britain on a past Jools Holland show
  and they kick arse.

  >> 10 Commandments spoof trailer <<
  These movie mash-ups are getting kind of old
  now, but this high-school comedy remix of the
  deMille classic still had us chuckling.
  Particularly nice addition of Samuel L.
  Jackson as 'Principal Firebush.'


  Baby Chinchilla

  Awww. Fact fans may note that chinchillas have
  the softest fur of any animal alive, so that
  makes this little baby one all the more
  cuddlesome. At least, we assume it's a baby
  from the size of its head. Perhaps it's some
  sort of super-brained mutant chinchilla, ready
  to use its preternatural rodent intelligence
  to secure a menial job in Greggs Pastry or
  something? A fearful prospect indeed. 


  Arse sacks and sexy marsupials
   >> Anus bags <<
  Chris M caught a shot of this trendy backpack
  while on holiday in South Africa. Brings a
  new meaning to the term bumbag...

  >> Naughty sculpture <<
  "Kangawary or cassoroo?" asks Emadex. "Outside
  of the ‘Australis Art Gallery’ near my hometown
  are three sculptures of an emu, a cassowary and a
  kangaroo..." But if you look at it from a different
  angle, they appear to be enjoying frisky copper
  animal sex-fun.


  Po-lol-otics, Droitwich, Cocks & Guinea-pigs
  >> B3ta party political broadcast <<
  Czech correspondent Triffid sends us news that the
  right-wing Unie Svobody is using B3ta as an example
  of all that's wrong with the world. Check out their
  TV ad spot, which features a fart-igniting character:
  none other than our own Mr Sheep, in a b3ta t-shirt,
  no less. The text is warning people that this is
  what they'll get if they fail to vote.

  And fuck it, we don't normally give two links for one
  item, but Sheep's rather special and his site's great.

  >> Droitwich rocks! <<
  Piss-poor tribute to the hometown of Team
  Fishcake. They've turned their hand to
  tourist information and created a fist-
  in-the-air rock anthem accompanied by an
  unimpressive montage of the quaint/dreary
  Worcestershire town. Coming soon to a Post
  Office near you...

  >> Cock cake <<
  Orangeboy and Veet clearly had a lot of fun
  making this phallic cake for a mate's birthday.
  Mmm. Naughty but nice. Loving the soft-focus
  touch in the later photos. Vaseline on the lens?

  >> "I ate guinea-pig" <<
  I travelled the world, I ate lots of food and
  this was the most interesting dinner," grunts
  Pickup Stix. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: It's a
  roasted guinea pig - Peru's national dish.
  It was about a foot long. So maybe a rat.
  It didn't have much meat on it or taste
  for that matter, but the tiny scrapings we ate
  were horrible and pink, like turkey leg dipped
  in death."


  Results from the Banner Ad Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to save the online 
  advertising industry and reinvent the
  banner ad. And you did so.

  Our favourites included:
  * STOP GOATSE - brilliant use of the web's
    most infamous shock image. Agencies, 
    pay attention: a new advertising technique 
    has arrived. (the hedgehog)

  * SHOOT THE iPOD - Another lesson here for 
    the creative agencies: give us the prizes 
    we want. And we want ducks. 

  * TESCO VALUE - It's about time those shoddy 
    blue and white stripes found their way to 
    the web. (Afinkawan)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Ultra-Minority Magazines <<
  There's a magazine for everything nowadays, 
  but there must be some minority interests 
  that aren't yet catered for. What would the
  covers look like? Challenge suggested by 
  Sponge Monkey.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHIT TOP TIPS - We wish to apologise about
    the rubbishness of last week's tip. Many of
    you wrote in to complain that it was complete
    horse-shit. Including Stu who writes, "Drink
    milk my arse! An old mate of mine that used
    to be in the merchant navy told me that rum
    is what they used to drink to prevent sickness
    from diesel fumes."

  * BETTER THAN SEX - Last week we asked you
    to find a search term on Googletrends that
    scored higher than sex. About 10 of your wrote
    in to say "What would people want more than sex?
    Free stuff" And yep, 'free' does score higher
    than sex. Oddly enough,  the top three cities
    to search for free are all in India, followed
    by Birmingham. Others wrote in to mention that
    'the', 'video', 'google' and 'and' also score
    rather highly.

  * NANDOS COCK - Last week we observed that the
    Nando's logo looks like a chicken presenting its
    enlarged, heart-shaped arse-hole. Ouermyhte
    points out that "the Nando's logo is also a dingbat
     for 'loves the cock'" Heh.

  * PISS GAMES - jakeshort spurts, "We used to play a
    game at Uni in Leeds. You had to run backwards
    over the bridge that crossed the inner ring road
    without breaking your continuous stream of piss."
    Mmmmn, yellow trainers.

  * BBC PHOTOSHOPPING  - the Beeb recently held
    its own image challenge and, by the looks of it,
    it was almost entirely entered by B3tards. Go team!


  Google game
  Can you guess the search phrase from the page
  of results returned by Google? Kept us busy for
  10 minutes anyway.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PETE's NOT MAD - cynical Endemol producers
    have included a bloke with Tourette's syndrome
    in this years Big Brother. Why not edit
    together all his swears to made a interactive
    video swearing machine?
    Gets to the heart of the gender divide we think.

    quiz to tell if you can spot the difference.
    Don't know what we're on about? Do a Google
    image search for 'elephant mouth' and see.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by humpthefamilypet, mithraea,
  eggy woof, The Penguin Shaman & rhcpaul. 
  Top Tippery by Me.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Word to b4ta. (108840 - 35077)


  Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger
  firmly between your nose and your upper lip.



  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs,
  your boss fears us!"

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