NEWSLETTER: "8===W=) IS ASCII FOR WANKING"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Peter Cook as a PG Tips chimp
* ANIM - Diana's life in 10 seconds
* PHOTOS - Shite tattoos
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 229 - 19 May 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue229/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
German super-glue
Hear about the Irish glue sniffer? He stuck
his lips together with Sellotape. Now watch
this clip for some Germans doing one better.
http://snipurl.com/qb8y
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Peter 'PG Tips' Cook, Di-die-day & Dictators
>> Derek & Clive chimps <<
It's the classic Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore
sketch about Jayne Seymour's bum-lobsters, but
dubbed onto chimps by CCC. It's great, like
the ad campaign PG Tips should have run...
NSFW if you object to monkeys saying "fuck."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Diana in ten seconds <<
Mushybees proudly presents the sequel to his
'ten second Kurt Cobain' animation, which caused
a certain amount of net controversy with Nirvana
who thought he was "lame". This time, he's out
to alienate the Elton John fans and Mohammed
al-Fayed. Here's hoping for another one with
George Best. Or even better, with Pete Doherty
(to spell it out, we wish him dead).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/11163
>> Who's your favourite dictator <<
Psythot wrote to a number of UK celebrities,
asking "Who is your favourite 20th century
dictator?" He did it in the hopes of getting
some sort of 'Carol Vordeman loves Hitler'
revelation, but in the absence of that, a few
interesting answers. He also wrote to all UKIP
MPs asking what their least-favourite jelly baby
is, hoping at least one would confess to 'not
liking blacks.'
http://jamesomalley.co.uk/blog/
-------------------------------------------------
: CONVERSATION STARTERS (old people, read this)
Britain has gone to the dogs
* Over two thirds of Britons having read the
Da Vinci Code believe that Jesus fathered
a child. We despair, it's a work of fiction
for fucks sake.
* Shane Ritchie and Vinnie Jones are to star
in the 32nd Carry On film, Carry On London.
Hell's bells, this sounds shit doesn't it?
* Heinz is releasing a readymade beans-on
-toast sandwich, similar to pop-tarts.
As if Pot Noodle being voted the most
hated brand ever wasn't enough.
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Crazy Russian dancing guy
Those Russkies. Not content with ruling half of
Eastern Europe with an Iron fist, they've used
their technological might to upgrade the humble
peasant into a dancing electronic monkey, cavorting
for the amusement of the decadent West. Watch it
before Gorbachev has it removed from the airwaves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Putting the Fun in Funeral
We wanted your funeral stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals/
Follow the link for the extraordinary lengths
Felidae had to go to to scatter the ashes of
a friend's horse, but in the meantime these
three amused us greatly:
* Angel Cussed
"Ben, one of my best friends, died very
suddenly towards the end of last year. He
was an amazing guy, and the funeral was
attended by a multitude of people, all from
different lives. Ben had that effect on most
people that he met - everyone there felt proud
to have been his friend. Ben's sister was
saying a few words in front of everyone; God
knows how she did it. I, like most people
there, was in absolutely no state to even
string together a sentence. Ben's niece, a
very cute girl of about 5, was there wearing
her favourite fairy suit with wings. Seeing
her mum so upset, but not really understanding
what was happening, she went to give her mum
a hug. As she was lifted up, she found herself
in front of hundreds of adults, all of whom
were in some sort of state. She raised her
head up, slowly looked at us all, then very
clearly said: 'Fuck'" (geegee)
* Coffins
"I went out with a girl who worked for a
funeral home, and fairly early into the
whole dating thing, she told me that since
I'm so tall, I should think about starting
a fund to pay for my custom coffin, as I
won't fit in a standard one. The relationship
didn't last." (mikewicked)
* A message from beyond
"Dad had died and his coffin was brought back
to the house so people could pay their last
respects. The close family are gathered around
the coffin in the dining room. My brother-in-law
tactfully softened the lighting ready for the
candles to be brought out. No-one could say
anything. Eventually my brother found the
courage to ask "do you think he's up there
looking down on us?" a tremble in his voice.
Tears welled in my eyes. My sister remained
silent. All eyes turned to the coffin. And
then, amazingly, the lights became incredibly,
fiercely bright. In a split second the room
was then pitched into absolute darkness.
Silence. Then the lights slowly returned to
their previous softness. Mum hopefully looked
up to the heavens for another impossible sign
from my dear, deceased father. Then my brother
in-law, with real fear in his voice, announced:
'Sorry everyone... I just leant on the dimmer
switch.'" (Error 404 - Username Unknown)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the worst
nicknames you've heard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstnicknamesever/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Bad tattoos <<
As sure as milk is stinky and cigarettes give
you cancer, bad tattoos are always an internet
crowd pleaser. We almost didn't bother clicking
this link as it seemed such old hat, but we did
and, Jesus cocking Christ we loved it. What kind
of fucktard gets Jacko fruiting up Macaulay Culkin
inked on their leg? Or a casino website address
on their forehead? Or Pee-wee Herman on their arm?
We tried cracking one out but our collective cocks
went limp. Possibly it was the Anne Robinson tattoos
on our forearms. She winks as we flex, putting
us off out stroke in a disturbingly knowing
fashion.
http://www.capohedz.com/typebrighter/2005/10/reall...
>> Hooray for wanking babies! <<
We just wrote that title to set off the peado
filters in your office email. They are coming
for you now, so settle down and make sure you
have some quite innocent material on your screen,
such as the this wedding photographer's portfolio
which feature's a close up of a toddler wanking
someone off. 2nd row down, far left. Ok, it's
only a finger, but that's how it all started for
official B3ta nonce Ian Huntley.
http://www.chrischambersphotography.co.uk/portrait...
>> Buy life size Alien <<
Our favourite bit of the Alien film was when
Sigourney Weaver shags Rick Moranis and they
turn into dogs. Oh bollocks, that was Gorillas
in the Mist. Ermm, oh fuck it, check this eBay
auction anyway.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Sound that makes you shit <<
"My friend Donal", boasts David, "is trying to
create 'The Brown Note' from south park; a noise
that makes the listener shit themselves. Normal
speakers can't recreate the noise, so he's going
to use the sound system at the music venue he
works at..." Woo. We hope he succeeds. Sonic
Weaponry is the new kittens for 2006. Word.
http://mediawhoredomfordummies.blogspot.com/2006/0...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Helping Youtube spend $1m on bandwidth per month
>> Cycling dog <<
Most dogs barely manage with four legs, so it's
all the more impressive that this one can cycle
sedately on a trip to the shops. Still looks
fucking stupid though.
http://snipurl.com/barkingmad
>> Swearing grandma <<
Your license fee money at work - the BBC has
taken an innocent old lady and taught her how
to say rude words. At least, that's what we
presume to be the case. Old folks don't really
know any bad words, do they?
http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php
>> Gay mountaineer <<
Nice bit of Freudian slippery from this news
presenter - man manages to climb mountain despite
being gay. Spoiler: He isn't really gay.
http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php
>> Ukulele Nirvana <<
Great to see a big bunch of ukulele-wielding
suits rocking out to 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'.
It's an appearance by the Ukulele Orchestra of
Great Britain on a past Jools Holland show
and they kick arse.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/10932
>> 10 Commandments spoof trailer <<
These movie mash-ups are getting kind of old
now, but this high-school comedy remix of the
deMille classic still had us chuckling.
Particularly nice addition of Samuel L.
Jackson as 'Principal Firebush.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby Chinchilla
Awww. Fact fans may note that chinchillas have
the softest fur of any animal alive, so that
makes this little baby one all the more
cuddlesome. At least, we assume it's a baby
from the size of its head. Perhaps it's some
sort of super-brained mutant chinchilla, ready
to use its preternatural rodent intelligence
to secure a menial job in Greggs Pastry or
something? A fearful prospect indeed.
http://www.empireonline.com/forum/tm.asp
-------------------------------------------------
: KNOWING MARKETING
Arse sacks and sexy marsupials
>> Anus bags <<
Chris M caught a shot of this trendy backpack
while on holiday in South Africa. Brings a
new meaning to the term bumbag...
http://snipurl.com/spunkybackpack
>> Naughty sculpture <<
"Kangawary or cassoroo?" asks Emadex. "Outside
of the ‘Australis Art Gallery’ near my hometown
are three sculptures of an emu, a cassowary and a
kangaroo..." But if you look at it from a different
angle, they appear to be enjoying frisky copper
animal sex-fun.
http://static.flickr.com/53/147529322_f2319c675d.j...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Po-lol-otics, Droitwich, Cocks & Guinea-pigs
>> B3ta party political broadcast <<
Czech correspondent Triffid sends us news that the
right-wing Unie Svobody is using B3ta as an example
of all that's wrong with the world. Check out their
TV ad spot, which features a fart-igniting character:
none other than our own Mr Sheep, in a b3ta t-shirt,
no less. The text is warning people that this is
what they'll get if they fail to vote.
http://webtv.idnes.cz/
And fuck it, we don't normally give two links for one
item, but Sheep's rather special and his site's great.
http://sheepfilms.co.uk/
>> Droitwich rocks! <<
Piss-poor tribute to the hometown of Team
Fishcake. They've turned their hand to
tourist information and created a fist-
in-the-air rock anthem accompanied by an
unimpressive montage of the quaint/dreary
Worcestershire town. Coming soon to a Post
Office near you...
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> Cock cake <<
Orangeboy and Veet clearly had a lot of fun
making this phallic cake for a mate's birthday.
Mmm. Naughty but nice. Loving the soft-focus
touch in the later photos. Vaseline on the lens?
http://homepage.mac.com/swain/rapidweaver/page2/pa...
>> "I ate guinea-pig" <<
I travelled the world, I ate lots of food and
this was the most interesting dinner," grunts
Pickup Stix. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: It's a
roasted guinea pig - Peru's national dish.
It was about a foot long. So maybe a rat.
It didn't have much meat on it or taste
for that matter, but the tiny scrapings we ate
were horrible and pink, like turkey leg dipped
in death."
http://snipurl.com/flickmybean
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Banner Ad Challenge
Last week we wanted you to save the online
advertising industry and reinvent the
banner ad. And you did so.
Our favourites included:
* STOP GOATSE - brilliant use of the web's
most infamous shock image. Agencies,
pay attention: a new advertising technique
has arrived. (the hedgehog)
* SHOOT THE iPOD - Another lesson here for
the creative agencies: give us the prizes
we want. And we want ducks.
(SolidGoldChimp)
* TESCO VALUE - It's about time those shoddy
blue and white stripes found their way to
the web. (Afinkawan)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/
>> New challenge: Ultra-Minority Magazines <<
There's a magazine for everything nowadays,
but there must be some minority interests
that aren't yet catered for. What would the
covers look like? Challenge suggested by
Sponge Monkey.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/magazines/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHIT TOP TIPS - We wish to apologise about
the rubbishness of last week's tip. Many of
you wrote in to complain that it was complete
horse-shit. Including Stu who writes, "Drink
milk my arse! An old mate of mine that used
to be in the merchant navy told me that rum
is what they used to drink to prevent sickness
from diesel fumes."
* BETTER THAN SEX - Last week we asked you
to find a search term on Googletrends that
scored higher than sex. About 10 of your wrote
in to say "What would people want more than sex?
Free stuff" And yep, 'free' does score higher
than sex. Oddly enough, the top three cities
to search for free are all in India, followed
by Birmingham. Others wrote in to mention that
'the', 'video', 'google' and 'and' also score
rather highly.
http://snipurl.com/googlemytits
* NANDOS COCK - Last week we observed that the
Nando's logo looks like a chicken presenting its
enlarged, heart-shaped arse-hole. Ouermyhte
points out that "the Nando's logo is also a dingbat
for 'loves the cock'" Heh.
* PISS GAMES - jakeshort spurts, "We used to play a
game at Uni in Leeds. You had to run backwards
over the bridge that crossed the inner ring road
without breaking your continuous stream of piss."
Mmmmn, yellow trainers.
* BBC PHOTOSHOPPING - the Beeb recently held
its own image challenge and, by the looks of it,
it was almost entirely entered by B3tards. Go team!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Google game
Can you guess the search phrase from the page
of results returned by Google? Kept us busy for
10 minutes anyway.
http://gwigle.varten.net/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PETE's NOT MAD - cynical Endemol producers
have included a bloke with Tourette's syndrome
in this years Big Brother. Why not edit
together all his swears to made a interactive
video swearing machine?
* SHOW-US-YOUR-TITS-AND-WE'LL-LISTEN
-TO-YOU-MOANING-ABOUT-YOUR-JOB.COM
Gets to the heart of the gender divide we think.
* ELEPHANT-MOUTH-OR-CUNT.COM - a
quiz to tell if you can spot the difference.
Don't know what we're on about? Do a Google
image search for 'elephant mouth' and see.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by humpthefamilypet, mithraea,
eggy woof, The Penguin Shaman & rhcpaul.
Top Tippery by Me.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Word to b4ta. (108840 - 35077)
-------------------------------------------------
TIP:
Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger
firmly between your nose and your upper lip.
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs,
your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may19/
