NEWSLETTER: "WE CAN CONTAIN OUR LOVE FOR RUSSELL CROWE NO LONGER"
This Week:
* RIMJOBS - Yay or nay?
* CHALLENGE - Make Tory propaganda
* VIDEO - Noel Edmonds - spaz hater
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 232 - 9 Jun 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue232/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Uncensored – the Sprite birth
We always wanted it to happen, and now it has.
The much-loved Sprite goblin eventually got
some real loving and months later has given
birth. Luckily we were fortunate enough to
capture the joyous occasion. So now all that
remains for us to do is proudly present the
full, uncensored projectile-breaking-of-the
-waters Sprite birth. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Rimming, 9/11 and Poo
>> Rimjobs: Yay or nay? <<
The folks at Goodiebag grapple with the
question on everybody's lips. Okay, they
ambush a selection of hapless punters with a
question about rimjobs.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/rimjobs.htm
>> Happy 9/11 <<
Butters claims this short animation "conveys
true historical events." Hmm, we hope that
Butters enjoys his new career as a Troll.
http://madandugly.drunkrhino.com/happy.htm
>> Arson Sam 4 <<
We love the idea behind 'Arson Sam'. If you
reverse kids' TV show Fireman Sam, the main
character goes around starting fires and
causing trouble. Custardy's just finished the
fourth instalment and looks like there may be
more to come. Huzzah!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arson_Sam_4
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Missing Body Parts
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
We wanted to know if you had anything missing.
From this we discover that TWO B3ta people
possess a third testicle and a scary number
have had to have toenails removed... wash your
feet, folks and have a good rummage - you
never know:
http://b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/
* Womb with a view
"Ten years ago I had to get neutered for
medical reasons and being 24, I asked that
my girly bits be returned to me so I could
give them a decent atheist burial. After a
considerable hospital stay, major surgery
and some top class drugs, I was discharged
home. Three weeks later I rang the hospital
and asked where my ex-organs were. Long
story short: 6 weeks later I finally tracked
down the charge nurse on the gyny ward and
she told me to come in and pick up a package
that was stored in the ward fridge. I
trekked over, got the brown paper bag with a
heavy container handed to me and headed back
home on the bus. At 2am I decided to take a
peek (as you do) and I shit you not, the
container was filled with mashed spud and
mixed veg. I like to think that some poor
old dear was served an interesting snack
that night. Never did find out where they
went..." (jo-jo the majic clown)
* Missing boob
"I used to work with someone who only had
one boob (breast cancer had resulted in the
loss of the other one). Being quite a
well-endowed woman, she wore a large fake
one to balance herself out. One morning, she
came dashing into my office, looking awfully
lopsided, and shouting 'I've forgotten my
boob!' It was too far to go home to fetch
it, so she wrapped some bubble wrap in a
duster and stuffed that in instead. It
crackled when she moved." (Pachey)
* Bacon slicer...
"I used to work in a butchers and once I
agreed to a bet to stick my cock in the
bacon slicer. I didn't damage my cock much
and found the experience actually very
pleasant, but I got caught by the boss and
he sacked me. Mind you, the bacon slicer was
his 16 year old daughter." (Boom boom!
emadex)
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever phoned in sick? Lied? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/
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: B3TA T-SHIRTS £10 SPESH
Summer madness has hit the shop. Pretty much
like the sunny weather it'll only last a week.
Men's red shirts for £10, and selected girl's
shirts £10. Get them while it's hot.
http://snipurl.com/ku5y
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: RUSSELL CROWE LOVE CORNER
Hopefully not the start of a regular feature
Got a spare 20 minutes? Read this lengthy
article about Russell Crowe's ham-fisted
attempts at manipulating the press in relation
to his music career. Fantastically detailed
insight into celebrity paranoia, from a
journalist who was asked to be the star's PR
guru.
http://snipurl.com/russellcrowesstooge
Leading us, by way of Google, to one of the
thespian man-mountain's many fan sites. And
what fans! There are simply pages of
peculiarly Russell Crowe-based photoshops. Our
favourite is this section -five pages-worth of
Crowe perspiring in 18th century naval uniform
and crudely stitched into a variety of vaguely
romantic situations.
http://snipurl.com/russellcrowefucksowl
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Get the Hoff to number one <<
Doing the rounds this week. Someone has
finally twigged to the massive power David
Hasselhoff wields over gentlemen and ladies of
a certain age. Here's a concerted PR campaign
to get the Hoff to number one by, er, rigging
the charts.
http://www.gethasselhofftonumber1.com
>> Animation vs animator <<
Inventive short anim where the stickman
drawings fight back against an animator with
godlike powers and a deadly flying cursor.
People who use Flash regularly will appreciate
nifty use of the palettes.
http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf
>> 'Glamour' shots of BB's Aisleyne <<
Grot shots of Big Brother's Aisleyne anyone?
They really do pick the classiest types for
these shows.
http://snipurl.com/grotshots
>> Stupid eBay questions <<
This hapless bloke just wanted to sell his car
on eBay. Inexplicably, he then became the
target of every half-wit and would-be wag on
the web. His exasperated replies to some very
dumb questions make for good reading.
http://snipurl.com/ebaybummedmymum
>> Tiny trebuchet <<
Another entry into the genre of 'things to
make at work if you really want to be sacked'.
Detailed instructions on how to build a very
small siege catapult out of paperclips, the
only thing lacking is a video showing its full
destructive powers...
http://snipurl.com/mywinkyisstinky
>> Blow-up chicken shed <<
Unless we miss our guess, this is some sort of
inflatable protection for farmyard fowl. The
artist's impression makes it look like the
space-hens have finally landed.
http://snipurl.com/henParty
>> Extreme balloon sculpture <<
Feast your eyes on as extensive a collection
of balloon-sculpting prowess as you're ever
likely to see. Some of it is disturbingly
poo-like.
http://www.laurel-travel.ru/kreo/ballon.html
>> Annoy the authorities <<
Run a blog? Amnesty are profiling websites
that governments have tried to block and ban.
you can put little fragments of censored
content on your own sites. The more people do
it, the more censored stuff gets seen, the
more the authorities get pissed off. If you
don't do it for us, do it for the kittens.
http://irrepressible.info
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Ceiling cat
We didn't wank for a week when our grandfather
died. We were scared his ghost could see what
we were doing. We had no such problems looking
at this pic, however.
http://www.ceilingcat.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The stuff that'll ruin the internet
>> Forearm forklift <<
This actually looks like quite a good idea.
Wrapping some sort of tape round your arms and
lugging furniture apparently becomes very
easy. And the video has sexy ladies lifting
heavy weights - what more could you want?
http://www.forearmforklift.com/home.htm
>> Spoof phone ad <<
Dunno much about the company whose ad this is
riffing off (Telecom - New Zealand's telecoms
monopoly), but it's a genius bit of angry
redubbing. "Telecom tricked us and that's
really fucked!" snarls a little kid.
http://snipurl.com/oohlooksimasnurllink
>> Noel Edmonds - spaz hater <<
Lovely clip from afternoon favourite Deal or
No Deal, with Noel Edmonds inadvertently
laughing at a picture of a disabled child. The
speed with which he goes into reverse is
delightful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fountains of Coke <<
By now pretty much every knob-head knows that
cola explodes when you put Mentos in it. So
these two nerds take that effect and use it to
make something truly fantastic. People making
a music video could do worse than rip this
off. Actually, Coke should rip this off -
apart from the unfortunate 'Coke explodes your
stomach if you eat mints' subtext.
http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html
>> "I love you" pug <<
Wittgenstein said that if a lion could speak
we wouldn't be able to understand him. This
dog can say "I love you", but in a voice so
disturbingly harsh it gave us nightmares.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Learn sexy English <<
Slow start, but worth sticking with this dodgy
Japanese language course to teach you to
sex-talk in English.
http://b3ta.com/links/Lets_Sexy_English
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: FILTHY MARKETING
>> Young Person's Railcard <<
Not so much dirty at the time, but we're
fairly sure the rail companies won't be
running this campaign again in a hurry...
http://snipurl.com/garyglitterfuckskids
>> What are Pedo Pearls? <<
We shudder to imagine what the person naming
this product was thinking - or the audience
they wanted to attract.
http://www.copalite.com/PedoPearls.html
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It's shit, but you keep sending them in
* NATIONAL SLAG ASSOCIATION - oh that
'by-product of smelting ore / cheap tart' joke
is never going to get old. (Thanks Pachey)
http://www.nationalslagassoc.org/
* IKEA 'JERKER' COMPUTER TABLE - let's all
sing together, 'the internet is for porn.' Or
burn down your local Ikea in a Fight Club
style anti-consumerist terrorist action.
http://snipurl.com/psdg
* POOR GEORGE LUCAS - This week we find that
'Jedi Jedi' is Nigerian for piles.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Shit and Arson
>> Shit gaming review <<
Dr. A has been boldly venturing to Poundland
to once again review the very latest in gaming
tat. This week it's Sony rip-off the
GameStation. And, not to spoil anything, it's
crap.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fake_PlayStation_reviewe...
>> "I wanna look at your poo <<
"I've made a singalong video featuring Gillian
McKeith," boasts eclectech. The hunchbacked
TV faeco-phile is accompanied by penguins on
piano and the ever-present smell of
shit. Music by DogHorse and Miss Prism.
http://eclectech.co.uk/gillianpoo.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tom Cruise Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what life would be
like if Tom Cruise were God.
Our favourites included:
* SISTINE CHAPEL - Medieval mingles with
modern as Michelangelo meets Mission
Impossible. (The Great Architect)
* TOM CRUISE BIBLE - The good book gets a
Hollywood makeover with new chapters based on
Cruise's most miraculous movies. (Monkeon)
* TOM WHO? - Cruise wields his almighty wrath
against anyone who doubts him. Or calls him
gay. (alwayslostinsmoke)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tomcruise/
>> New challenge: Elect The Tories <<
Blair's been in charge for a hundred years and
it's time for a change. So let's make campaign
material which the Conservative party can use
to get elected.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EVERY TIME WE GET STUFF RIGHT - our inbox
stays empty, we get something wrong? We're
flooded. Literally hundreds of emails saying,
"Wonder Showzen is on TMF (on Freeview), so it
actually is available here! And it's fucking
ace! You stupid cunts!" Apparently Sky
programme guide describes it as like
"Playschool on acid." Which is actually one of
our favourite journalistic clichés, probably
done parodied best by Q magazine who once
strapped a cover about Sergeant Pepper as,
"It's like the Beatles... On acid!!!"
* PISS GAMES - a few weeks back we asked you
to play games with urine. Parsleythelion
informs, "here in New Zealand there's a radio
station that used to have a competition called
'Tinkle Tuesday'. People would phone in and
piss while the DJ timed it, but by some of the
times they used to get I'm sure some people
were just pouring water into the toilet!" Heh.
Endemol call us ASAP, we have just seen the
future of TV entertainment.
* MINI COLONEL SANDERS - "you've reminded me
of the old style KFC logo's that were (and
still are) on some of the shop fronts. I
always thought that Colonel Sanders looked
like he had a massive head and really tiny
arms and legs."
http://www.seanrobins.com/images/hillary_kfc.jpg
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TRICKS WITH AEROSOLES - as kids we used to
enjoy filling up dustbins with air freshener
throwing a match. A pleasing fireball for all
the family.
* HOW LONG CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN
COMPETITION - we've just tried 1 minute and
drooled, whilst our tongue became unpleasantly
dry.
* EAR WAX CANDLE - yeah yeah, don't run away,
what we mean is can you extract enough wax
from your ear to make a candle? Will it even
burn?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson via an unholy union of
Mediawiki and TextWrangler. Stuff sent in by
stevierar, Twizt_McTiger, a.r.lupton, monkeon,
ElRodente, Yankee-Doodled, Andy,
awestmoreland, redazril, MrHeed, stevejmorgan,
marmiteycat, GlamBoy, annaelizabeth, logic2,
and not forgetting Mykeyboy. Danny McNamara is
36 you know. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Melvins & Chinese burns to B4ta.
(Bigger number - smaller number, which people
occasionally email in about, little knowing
that it's a great secret.)
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TOP TIP:
* ERRATUM - "In your tips bit you missed out
the final part of the last tip, hearing your
friends talk in clubs.", notes Creeativta,
apparently the trick is to stick your fingers
in your ears.
* EGG TIP - "When breaking eggs, use a large
piece of egg-shell to retrieve any small bits
of egg-shell that have got in the bowl. It
works like a lovely eggy charm. (Whythebigpaws)
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: SPONSORED LINK
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs -
now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun09
