NEWSLETTER: "CHEAP LAUGHS AND TAWDRY LINKS SINCE 2001"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - New road signs
* HUH? - ASCII-Art 1940s style
* BOOK - 'Who cares about disabled people?'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Insert funny line
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| here... ok?"
B3ta email 233 - 16 JUN 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue233/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff and nonsense AKA bollocks and fluff
>> Blackmail Web 2.0 thingie <<
Tedious barks, "It's been a while since I've
made anything, but I'm quite proud of this
one. It's what Flickr would be like if Flickr
was run by evil Eastern Block Mafia." We tried
to encourage Tedious to make this for real,
instead of it just being a joke, but he was
having none of it. Spoilsport.
http://www.extortr.com/
>> B3ta consumer affairs <<
Adam Welch writes - "Hello, you may remember
me from newsletter issue 160ish. That
blumming Cillit Bang experiment has had me
answering emails for over a year now! I've
recently won a cigarette paper vending machine
and it's without a key, and Rizla won't answer
my emails." Heh - can someone from Rizla
please get in touch with this bloke?
http://www.adamwelch.co.uk/comment.php
>> Pop-star cartoons <<
"My name is Nick Talbot.", boasts Nick
Talbot,"I am in a band called Gravenhurst that
is on Warp Records. More importantly, I make a
mean-spirited and bellicose satirical web-comic
called Ultraskull." Not bad actually, kept us
amused for 20 minutes or so, although we're
partly sticking this in because getting emails
from internationally famous rock-stars makes us
feel special.
http://www.silentagerecords.co.uk/ultraskull
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: SPONSOR DAVE
Newsletter co-writer in charity bike-ride SHOCK
David Stevenson emails, "Hey mister Rob, Just
thought I should remind you that I am on
holiday this week. And, indeed, I am writing
this from the deck of a yacht in the Sardinian
port of Cagliari. Also, should you see fit to
use it, I have finally got my London-Brighton
sponsorship page up." Yay, the Princess
Diana-haired fop is peddling like a bastard
this weekend to raise cash for the British
Heart Foundation. An issue he personally cares
about as his poor old Dad had a few problems
with his ticker last year. So be generous!
http://www.bhf.org.uk/sponsor/davidstevenson
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Awesome Sickies
What with the World Cup and all, we wanted to
know your best sickie excuses:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/
Here's four that amused us:
* Accidentally called in sick
"I have this weird voice thing which means
that for the first hour or two after waking
up I sound like death warmed up. So, anyhow,
a few years ago, I called my boss's mobile
around 8am from the train station, to say
that I would be late, as the trains were
delayed again. All I said was "Hello"... He
said "Oh, my goodness! You sound awful. Will
you be back in tomorrow?" I suddenly
twigged. "Er, I'll try, I said", and the
call ended with him advising me not to push
it too hard. So I went home again,
surprising my then partner, and we went out
for the day. And the following day. Then I
went back to work. So, it wasn't my fault, I
didn't *mean* to call in sick, it just...
happened." (purplegod)
* Sore parts
"One kid in my form was off for two days
and, on his return without a sick note, he
informed the form teacher that he had been
sick 'with masturbation.' No idea what he
thought he meant, since he looked a bit
blank at the whole class laughing at him."
(Captain Haddock)
* Not really a sickie, but a great skive
"When I was a travelling sales rep, I used
to be sent all over the country to the most
god-forsaken places on earth. To combat
this, I devised a somewhat ingenious
solution: I stayed at home. My boss would
regularly phone me while I was 'in my car'
to check how I doing, so I recorded a sample
of my car engine noise, complete with a
couple of indicator clicks and engine revs
on my laptop, which I could start at a
moment's notice while the phone was ringing.
Excellent. Well, it was until my doorbell
went during one such 'trip'. I told him it
was a warning light on the car as the engine
kept overheating. Later on I had to actually
work for 2 weeks because my boss needed the
laptop for a presentation. A little while
afterwards, I was up to my usual tricks when
I should have been working... The phone
goes, so I quickly reach for the shortcut on
my desktop to the recorded car sample.
Imagine my horror when I find it has been
replaced with one of my boss saying 'you're
fired - now fuck off'. Never lend your boss
your laptop." (well its not going to suck
itself)
* Lost
"At my old job in London we got a new girl in
the accounts dept. On her first day she went
to lunch and then phoned a couple of hours
later to say she would be a bit late back,
as she'd gone for a walk and was lost.
That was the last we ever saw of her." (kmlabs)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever been mugged? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> ASCII-Art 1940s styleee <<
A few weeks back we called this very
newsletter 8===w=) is ASCII for wanking, a
reference to the retro technique of using
letters and characters to approximate images.
Little did we know that the idea goes back to
before computing and be-bearded geeks were doing
such things on typewriters in the 40s. BTW: If
you've got time, check out the rest of the
site, there's lots of fascinating scans of
ancient science magazines, including a
flat-screen TV invented in 1958. Actually,
there's an idea for would-be inventors here,
buy up a load of computer magazines from 20
years ago, and see what people were dreaming
about then, which would probably be possible
now.
http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2006/03/13/ascii-ar...
>> Odd logo of the week <<
Gordon writes, "OK, imagine you run a storage
and delivery service. You store stuff securely
and you deliver on time, helping your clients
keep their promises. You need a logo something
that will sum up those values: 'Safe, reliable
Safe, reliable, Got it! A camel being punched
in the face!', The camel's got a black eye and
he's snotting and spitting blood. It really
has been whacked properly and more than once.
Brilliant."
http://www.assistwarehousing.com/
>> Unusual hay-fever cure <<
Man travels to Cameroon to walk through shit
to get a hookworm infestation to cure his
asthma and hay-fever. All grounded in medical
fact apparently. Do any of our readers want to
try this for themselves? It's like the return
of medieval medicine, leeches cures and all
that. Maybe you want to see if pubic lice can
fight against flu?
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/4/30/91945/8971
>> Learn darkie-talk the Japanese way <<
Puzzled to see this odd little book,
apparently to aid Japanese people to speak
'black'. We certainly do like the idea of lost
Japanese tourists wandering about Harlem
going, "yo startin' to sound like a bitch!"
Further investigation reveals that this book
is a self published vanity project, but the
question remains, how did it end up being sold
in W H Smiths?
http://snipurl.com/japsforblacks
>> Sex toys for Peados <<
Writing as a family newsletter we can't
condone the use of putting saddles on adults
and allowing children to ride them like
horses. Actually, let's just cut and paste
the copy from the website because it sounds
mental and perverted, "A soft, stuffed
'saddle' for Dad (or Mom) to strap on, to give
the give kids (age 2-6) a horsy ride. Offering
interactive fun for kids and adults, the
Daddle is made of washable sturdy cotton,
complete with soft saddle horn and adjustable
stirrups."
http://www.cashelcompany.com/dad.php
>> Designer wheelie bins <<
This selection of flower-covered wheelie bins
has been sent in with the comment, "no. 1
reason to censor the interweb." Actually, we
don't agree and quite fancy one for B3ta
Towers.
http://www.wheelie-bin-covers.co.uk/products.html
>> Another web revenge story <<
Lengthy, but definitely worth the read. Some
guys friend had her phone stolen, so he asked
the guy who took it to give it back. He said
no, so he waged war on him, internet style.
It's probably going to end in the arrest of
the guy who stole it, but at the moment its
still ongoing and extremely amusing.
http://www.evanwashere.com/StolenSidekick/
>> Gammy porn <<
A reader whose name we won't publish
confesses, "Guys, this model's site give me a
semi-lob every time i look at it." Quite
frankly, we're appalled. She looks like a
lovely lady and we wish her every success in
her modelling career.
http://www.kellyalice.co.uk/frame.htm
>> When Adsense takes the piss <<
Vince writes, "You recently ran an item about
an inappropriate Google sponsored link on
somebody's webpage. Think about it; you're
running a news item about the press conference
given by the East London Raid Brothers - the
two guys who were nicked in the middle of the
night by 250 cops, shot, had their house
meticulously and thoroughly trashed, were held
for a week without charge and then released on
account of the fact that they're totally
innocent. An operation now regarded as an
unmitigated disaster for the boys in blue. So
what do you think Google might decide to
advertise next to this item? Go on, have a
guess."
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/adsensrozzers.gif
>> Illusion tutorial <<
Doing the rounds of the social bookmarking
sites like Digg and Delicious this week as
been been this neat trick. We wasted a good 30
minutes playing with photoshop making our own
versions with kittens, you may wish to do
similar if you're bored like.
http://www.johnsadowski.com/color_illusion_tutoria...
>> Store prank <<
80 people dressed as store employees descended
upon the local Best Buy (American equivalent
of shops like Comet) and hung around helping
the customers... A fun and possibly inspiring
read.
http://snipurl.com/pxpp
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Promoting Youtube before it goes all Pete Tong
* JAPANSESE BAND-AID TIPS
You say: This is fucking genius!
We say: This is fucking retarded!
http://youtube.com/watch
* TEENAGE GIRL VIDEO BLOG
You say: Ha, ha, look at the silly girl.
We say: We wonder what her parents think?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* FROGGER WITH TOY FROGS
You say: Cool stop motion video game.
We say: Oooh, can someone make this work as
a real game please?
http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html
* DEMFORMED TORTOISE
You say: This makes me sad.
We say: Remember bonsai kitten.
http://snipurl.com/awwwpoorthing
* OOZINATOR 'BUKKAKE' TOY
You say: A great product for kids?!
We say: Stop sending this link in already!
http://snipurl.com/putz
* BLOKE PUKES ON STRIPPER
You say: Best party ever?
We say: Fratboy or Twatboy.
http://www.filecabi.net/video/lapdaceforget.html
* BIRD IMPERSONATES CAMERA
You say: Wow. Just wow.
We say: Larvell Jones (Police Academy) with feathers
http://snipurl.com/rqm8
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
For fucks sake please kill it.
Emilianopetronilli writes - "There's this new
beer being marketed in Italy, it's called
DRIVE, with DRIVE stamped in big capital
letters on the label."
Nicely fitting in with the cultural stereotype
that the spaghetti-munchers are all drunk
drivers, and a great jingle to boot.
http://www.drivebeer.com/main.html
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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Who cares about disabled people?
An ill-thought out double meaning here? Or are
they being clever?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/085953361...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tory Challenge
Last week we we were playing wind-up and got
you to photoshop Tory posters to help them
become elected. We were both pleased and
slightly frightened to see the results turn
up on several right-wing blogs.
Our favourites included:
* WORD SEARCH - using cunning trickery to get
the vote. (Afinkawan)
* CONS.ER...VAT.I'VE - probably the most
'viral' of the entries. (The Great Architect,)
* STICKER SWAPS - you can always trust Monkeon
to produce something odd.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/
>> New challenge: Road signs <<
Already looking popular is our New Road Signs
challenge, 21 pages of entries so far and
numerous links from popular blogs such as
BoingBoing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LEGAL TROUBLE FOR POO SONG - DogHorse writes
- "Gillian McKeith's lawyers got shirty with
us and threatened a libel case, and we
acknowledge that Gillian McKeith's PhD is, of
course, as real as any other gained through
the former American Holistic College of
Nutrition's correspondence courses." Heh, and
Tim has edited a similar line into the video,
which actually makes it much funnier than
before.
http://stablesound.co.uk/poo.php
* JOKES BY KIDS - Presto writes, " I've got a
little joke made up by an 8 year old I know
who wants his joke to get on the interweb: Q.
What is Dr Who's Favourite Food? A. Dalek
Bread!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
BTW: This is the hardest bit of the newsletter
to write, and every Friday we're always
scrabbling around BBC news to see if anything
inspires us. Anyway, to save our tears, we'll
actually give you some real advice for once.
DON'T
* Rip-off Joel's Kitten animations, we're not
going to run them.
* Describe your great idea and emailing asking
us "are you interested?", we can judge on
results, not ideas.
* Tell us you never read the newsletter and
we're crap and then ask to be featured.
* Send us press clippings of your website
appearing in national newspapers. We like to
be first, or at least early.
* Plaster it with so many ads that we can't
hardly see the content.
DO
* Run with a silly idea that you thought up in
the pub.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
David Stevenson because he was on a posh
holiday hence. Stuff sent in by redazril,
richibald, Fascists Eat Donuts, hahn, tgs,
redazril, PMGT, grungernelly, v.rogers,
hannah.saks, alex.morris, Richibald, inder,
rob.gilbey, José el Gorrion and Jimmy Large.
Nobody reads this bit so we can stick rude
things here like bumhole and poos. Top Tippery
by Pachey. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. B4ta in da house. (109200)
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TOP TIP:
If you get gum stuck to your hair or clothes,
use peanut butter to remove it. The oil
dissolves the chewy stuff, and the peanut
butter washes out easily with shampoo,
detergent or washing up liquid.
-------------------------------------------------
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