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This Week:
* LINKS - Best B3ta stuff of 2006 so far...
* QUESTION - DIY Fashion Disasters
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Demotivational Posters

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 244 - 1 Sep 2006

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  Ginger Fuhrer's mountain retreat

  It's that time of the year again when your
  red-haired umlaut retires from his complex of
  subterranean rooms and takes Eva and the
  microfuhrer to the Berghof. 
  Hence, we bring you a 'summer best of' featuring
  all the bestest stuff made by B3ta people since
  last Christmas.

  Normal service will resume next week.


  As made by B3tards

  >> Blackmail Web 2.0 thingie <<
  Tedious barks, "It's been a while since I've
  made anything, but I'm quite proud of this
  one. It's what Flickr would be like if Flickr
  was run by evil Eastern Bloc Mafia." We tried
  to encourage Tedious to make this for real,
  instead of it just being a joke, but he was
  having none of it. Spoilsport. 

  >> Sketch swap <<
  Simple, sweet idea - draw a little picture, press
  the button and you get to see someone else's
  drawing, while yours gets shown to another
  contributor later. Maybe you get a crudely-drawn
  cock, maybe a little masterpiece. Simple, as we
  said, but rather addictive. Kudos to Philipp
  Lenssen and partner-in-crime Dominik Schmid.

  >> Question Swap <<
  Inspired by the previous item, phantomboner
  has made Question Swap - ask any question you
  like, then answer someone else's. In short order
  you'll receive your own answer from a random
  stranger. We found it particularly useful for
  medical advice.

  >> Kitten-based security: Geeks only <<
  You know those annoying "type this phrase into
  the box" authentication things you get when you
  sign up for a website? They're there to stop
  spammers abusing nice sites like ours. Podgey22
  has come up with a fantastic alternative: get
  people to identify kittens. It's actually a
  small stroke of genius - a challenge that
  machines find hard, people find easy and best
  of all, it's kinda fun.

  >> Sickipedia <<
  Whilst in the process of putting the B3ta Sick Joke
  Book together, your ginger fuhrer had a thought,
  "If anyone actually buys this book, then I'll probably
  get crap jokes sent to me until the day I die. Er..
  Maybe I should set up a website where people can submit
  material without it having to go through my inbox?
  A wiki, like Wikipedia should do it, wiki... sicki...


  Yep, as made by B3tards

  >> Pepto-bismol ice cream <<
  Big food guru Fraser generally cures his daily
  hangovers with a combination of ice cream and
  Pepto-bismol. Realising he might be on to
  something, he's sought to combine the two
  products into one tasty treat. BTW: This is
  directly against the advice printed on the
  Pepto bottle, "Do not freeze." 

  >> Knob casting <<
  Men - Sundaeg1rl wanted your cock. She's making
  busts of penises and would like to make a plaster
  cast of your cyclopean chum. "Don't be scared!"
  she trilled. "I'm really very gentle." Then she
  turned them into chocolate...

  >> Never let a vegan cook <<
  "Look look look look look what I've done!"
  trills Comma, "I've made a giant vegan Jaffa
  Cake, aren't I great?" Ah. Um. Actually, this
  looks kind of revolting and we're very glad
  you're not cooking our dinner tonight.


  Unsurprisingly, as made by B3tards

  >> Arson Sam << 
  Genius idea here. John1024 has taken the
  children’s TV show Fireman Sam and played
  it backwards so that Sam starts fires. He
  writes - "it's the Welsh Mafia in action in
  Pontypandy with Sam turning in to a right
  little arsonist." It's the subtitles that
  make it - we were crying with laughter.

  >> Pepsi vs Mentos <<
  "After seeing all these exploding Pepsi bottles
  with Mentos videos", splurts Davideo, "I wondered
  if its actually possible to mix the ingredients
  internally and jump up and down." Check the
  results, we suspect this will go down well on
  the web, not just because it's a nice simple
  joke, but because it's performed by an attractive
  woman in a low cut top. (And we've just trebled
  the clicks by writing that.)

  >> Derek & Clive chimps <<
  It's the classic Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore
  sketch about Jayne Seymour's bum-lobsters, but
  dubbed onto chimps by CCC. It's great, like
  the ad campaign PG Tips should have run...
  NSFW if you object to monkeys saying "fuck."

  >> No props sci-fi <<
  "My brother and I made this film," confides
  Mechalex. "We wanted to dump all the boring
  stuff like props, sets, costumes and dialogue
  in favour of shooting things, blowing stuff up
  and robots." Starts slow, excellent when it
  kicks off. The bloke in a hoody pretending to
  be robotic is the funniest thing we've seen
  this week.


  Fuck me, more stuff from the B3tards

  >> Rolf Harris, King of Wankers <<
  "I recently got the 'Definitive Rolf Harris'
  album and it was worth the download",
  recommends Fantastical monkey, "and this is
  the result of listening to it." He also claims
  it's got a great ending, but we laughed so
  much at the intro we never got that far. 

  >> Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds <<
  Mushybees - who for our money is always at his 
  best when being wildly offensive - has produced
  a short little video telling the story of the
  doomed singer from Nirvana. BTW: If he had lived
  he would be 40 this year. Kurt we mean, and not
  Mushybees, who like everyone on B3ta is a child
  prodigy and aged about eight.

  >> 'Internet outrage' animation <<
  Eclectech has put some nice visuals on a
  DogHorse and Miss Prism track about how the web
  is full of EVIL PREDATORS and no-one should go
  online ever. Good recreation of the viewpoint of
  an ill-informed right-wing newspaper. Now with
  a foppish sheep wearing an unfeasibly large
  bow tie. Great song though.

  >> Jonti eats crabs <<
  Jonti has written one of his song loops about
  shoving crustaceans in his mouth. He claims, "It
  was about George Bush to begin with but the
  missus pointed out that I'm shit at politics."
  We like it for the blood.

  >> Beastenders <<
  Mutated Monty is pushing the cut up photoshop
  flash stuff forwards with his disturbing take
  on UK soap Eastenders. Really worth a look,
  the visual style will soon be ripped off by TV

  >> Record store cats <<
  C_kick is a blokey on our board who has spent
  the last few months photoshopping cats 
  enjoying their favourite tunes. They've been
  turning up in emails, been synced to videos on
  YouTube and the other day we got an email from
  a mobile phone company asking for the rights
  to flog them. We forwarded the note and we got
  the reply, "Another proposal.. ha ha. That
  would be the tenth.. I'm currently finishing
  up a deal with biggest fish out there."
  Anyway, if you haven't caught them yet, you
  are in for a small but perfectly formed treat:


  Altogether now, "As made by B3tards"

 >> Dive-bomb your office <<
  Great idea: using satellite photography, caz's
  site lets you fly a small plane over your
  native city. When you find your office you can
  shoot it or fly into the side of the building.
  We'd love it more if it had big bombs too,
  multiplayer option so you could dogfight with
  other players and an autopilot option that let
  you set a course by typing in a postcode. But
  still, excellent stuff. BTW: Someone give this
  guy a job, he's looking for one.

  >> Sprouts are evil <<
  Official b3ta brother Duncan Manuel used to
  liven up dinner time with his reworking of
  the Tears For Fears hit, Shout. "Sprouts!
  Sprouts! Puke them all out! This is the veg
  we can do without!" So imagine our joy when
  Eyegas got in touch with an almost identical
  idea. Eyegas wins though, as he's turned the 
  whole thing into a fantastic vegetable
  bashing game that made us yelp, "Fucking hell.
  This is fantastic!"

  >> Milk the giraffe <<
  Meanwhile, in another part of the world,
  Matazone has been labouring mightily and the
  fruits of his crafting is truly, in his words,
  "the best giraffe-milking game that you've
  ever played." Uncannily realistic. For all
  we know.

  >> Finger Fandango <<
  Think you're pretty hot stuff with the touch
  typing? Have a bash at Steff's Finger Fandango.
  Essentially the same deal as DDR - hit the
  right key on the keyboard at the right time and
  get the right result.


  DIY fashion disasters

  We wanted the clothes you'd made to look cool
  that in hindsight weren't such a good idea.
  Some of you brave people have posted photos,
  so go look, point and laugh:

    "Accessories are what fashion is all about:
    like the stuffed toy parrot I sewed onto my
    shoulder as a child in order to gain extra
    pirate respect points off my friends. Needless
    to say I now have no friends."
    "Age 20-odd I went to an indie night at Wigan
    Pier. Me and my pals were going through a bit
    of a Barbarella phase, so we thought it'd be
    a great laugh to go dressed in a futuristic
    spacey agey way. I'd just reached a shade over
    six foot tall. However, the rest of me hadn't
    caught up: I was incredibly thin and had
    absolutely no tits. Think slightly startled
    anorexic giraffe. So I dressed myself in a
    rather fetching tiny silver minidress and
    silver platform knee high boots. I then hit
    on the idea of dying my very short, scruffy
    blonde hair candy pink. Some metallic jewellery
    and voila! Instant cool. Had a cracking night,
    danced my little socks off in a hot and sweaty
    club. After an hour or so, my mate tells me
    to go look in the mirror. I go to the loo to
    discover that the heat and the sweat have made
    my hair dye run. All over my face. And it's
    showing no signs of shifting. But that wasn't
    the worst bit: oh no. As I leave the toilet
    to go home, a bouncer comes over, "Oi, sunshine,
    none of you pervy types in here, next time use
    the gents like the rest of the blokes." Yup,
    he thought I was a tranny. A big, pink faced
    tranny. I bought a Wonderbra after that." (Rakky)
    "I'm in a very long distance relationship; my
    lovely lady flies over to visit a couple of
    times a year from Tokyo. I miss her terribly
    when she's gone. Once she left one of her
    skirts behind and a mixture of curiosity and
    loneliness convinced me it'd be a good idea
    to wear it to work. Here's me at Scottish Gas
    HQ, just before my attire was deemed inappropriate
    and I was sacked:" (r3c^)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Ever been banned from somewhere? Still smarting
  about it? Join the rest of the world here:



  Results from the Predator vs Prey Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what life 
  would be like if the law of the jungle
  were reversed.

  Your favourites included:
  * PUMPKIN - Halloween will never be the
    same again if this terrifying vision
    of the future comes to pass. (mofaha)

  * INDIANA JONES - The Temple Of Doom is
    revisited as Indy ends up a pawn in the 
    ongoing axis of evil negotiations. 

  * HEDGEHOG - A thousand years of Hedgehog
    torment ended in a single, triumphant
    moment. (Caustic Armadillo)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Demotivational Posters <<
  Yep, we've all seen posters like these in
  the shops, but we're positive that b3tards 
  can bring their unique brand of spazdom to 
  the concept. So fire up Photoshop, get 
  googling for images, and show us the results...

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. However, whilst the cat is
  away, the mice are playing.
  Image challenge by  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

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