NEWSLETTER: "PRETTY, WITTY, DINKLE DITTY"
This Week:
* SONG - About a penis
* VID - George Michael sex-change shocker
* IRWIN - The 'Weebl' tribute
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 245 - 8 Sept 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue245/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: MTV WANT YOUR FILMS
Sponsored Link
MTV are piloting a new show that challenges
you to prove you're the World's Best...at
anything. Think you're the World's Best
beatboxer? The World's Best snack-pimper?
Cup-stacker? Keepy-uppy-er? Have the best
arse? Or granny? Or pet? Then prove it.
Make a clip, and send it to us within the next
7 days. Email, DVDs or DV copies will do. If
it's good enough, it might get on TV. Ask for
our mailing address or send your clips to:
[email protected]
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Penis, Kylie = George, Tiny photos & Face-mash
>> Penis song <<
An exuberant musical tribute to Man's Best
Friend by Koit. You can see he had a lot of
fun making this. Maybe a little too much fun.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/pen...
>> Kylie = George Michael <<
Gtancx writes - "That Muse = Gwen Stefani
pitchshift movie on newsletter reminds me of
cool thing I found out by mistake on Kylie
Minogue's song. If you slow down Kylie's More
More More from Fever album a bit, you are
going to get voice exact voice of George
Michael." Heh, he's right you know, and your
newsletter team Rob & Dave have made a short
vid to ram the point home. Warning: Your mind
may become bended.
http://b3ta.com/links/Slow_Kylie_George_Michael
>> Little people, big city <<
This is just lovely - Slinkachuu has been
putting tiny model people around London and
photographing them for his blog. It's oddly
touching, although we see this idea being
swiftly nicked for some sort of first-time
buyers mortgage type advert.
http://little-people.blogspot.com
>> Face-mash <<
Victim of a crime and fancy a vigilante poster
campaign? Eclectech's face cut and paste
software lets you create any number of
wall-eyed freaks - the easy way.
http://eclectech.co.uk/facemash/facemash.php
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Barred
Last week we wanted to hear about the places
you've been banned from:
http://b3ta.com/questions/barred/
* BONJOUR MONSIEUR
"Banned for 1 year from the Eurostar when me
and some mates decided it would be a 'bit of
a giggle' to wet our hair and shirts and run
down the corridor shouting, "It's
leaking!!!" Teenage girls, wet and running
in a bouncy way, you'd have thought we'd
have been given free passes for life after
all of the executive stress relief we gave
that day. No justice." (Ethel Le Crisp)
* PUB QUIZ ABUSE
"I was barred from a pub for inappropriate
use of the pub quiz sheet. What's the
capital of Denmark? Apparently the answer is
not... Michael Cooper (the quizmaster)
felches his mum and blows dead goats. First
time I've been barred from a pub by text
message, too." (ElectricMonk)
* ZEN SHOPPING
"I was barred from a supermarket in Croydon
once. I hate food shopping so I came up with
a nifty plan to avoid it. I called it "Zen
Shopping". I'd go into a supermarket and
lurk in the aisles. Eventually someone would
abandon their trolley while they went
running off to get some last-minute item
they'd forgotten and I'd pounce on their
trolley and wheel it to a checkout and pay
for it. A week's shopping done in a few
minutes. Sadly though I eventually got
caught by an eagle-eyed manager and was
banned for life. Apparently they'd had quite
a few complaints from irate shoppers and had
been watching for me." (Legless)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to recall your worst journeys.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstjourneyintheworld/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Karaoke Michael Jackson <<
We got sent this for another reason entirely,
but couldn't help being enchanted by this
chap's rather idiosyncratic rendition of 'Beat
It'. Not that it's terrible - but it's got a
weird quality like an unconvincing lookalike.
http://snipurl.com/Krapaoke
>> 121 tshirts at once <<
A few weeks back we featured a man wearing
over 40 pairs of pants. This bloke puts even
him to shame, putting on one tshirt after
another until he becomes an unwieldy clothy
monstrosity. Then he falls down.
http://ueba.net/hosted_pages/121-T-Shirts-20060827
>> Drink vodka - stay sober <<
Valuable advice on how to drink at Russian
social events, ie. consume copious amounts of
vodka yet somehow retain the power of speech
and movement. Basically, you will have drunk a
bottle of vodka and be only mildly pissed -
but you will have eaten a lot of lard.
http://snipurl.com/l27e
>> Prat causes security alert <<
This guys drops his ipod down the toilet of a
plane. He's too late to tell the stewardesses
before a major security incident occurs. Most
idiotic moment? "He asked me if I knew how to
make a bomb. 'I have a degree in physics, and
I'm not an idiot.' Of course I knew how to
make a bomb, what kind of question is that??
The better question is, WOULD I make a bomb?"
http://snipurl.com/vl95
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Close the web, YouTube has won
>> Copycat baby monkey <<
Researchers at Parma university have found
that baby monkeys, just like baby humans, have
a propensity to copy the facial expressions of
others. Hot news in the science world and,
what's better, here's footage of one sticking
its tongue out.
http://media.newscientist.com/data/images/ns/av/dn...
>> Mr Spock and his enormous cooooooo... <<
Nice knob gag in a clever, engaging song
dedicated to the iconic half-Vulcan hunk. We
liked the special effects too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Mummy, please make it stop
>> World's scariest barber <<
Not so much a funny name as
unfortunately-conceived marketing. What was
'Hugo' thinking when he commissioned a shop
sign portrait that prominently replaced his
legs with gigantic, gleaming scissor blades?
Frankly, it's a concept that will long live on
in our nightmares.
http://zedex81.co.uk/
>> Moorcock Inn <<
"My lovely young wife and I were in Yorkshire
on holiday recently," confides peter.c.moore.
"We passed a pub called the "Moorcock Inn".
Even better, the nearest town is Hawes. So the
address is 'Moorcock Inn, Hawes' (probably)."
http://www.moorcockinn.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> Wet stuff is darker? <<
Last we asked why stuff looks darker when it's
wet. Mac-man informs, "When a material gets
wet and absorbs water, the material's index of
refraction is effectively changed, making it
so that more light penetrates and less light
is reflected." Wow. That sounds like science
to us, so that'll do us fine.
This week: -
>> GPS Speedo errors <<
Benny on the Loose enquires, "My sat-nav GPS
speed in my car is always roughly 10% lower
than that on my speedo, i.e if If my speedo
says I'm doing 100mph, my GPS speed is about
90mph. Which one should I believe?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Dubbed pr0n, Coke, Fast 'fast' show & Irwin
>> Tomorrow People Pr0n <<
The Tomorrow People was a classic 70s TV show
about telepathic teenagers, but Blackmoon got
hold of some episodes recently and "All my
childhood memories were shattered in an
instant. It's not the brilliantly
ground-breaking, stunning and enthralling
program I used to enjoy. It's embarrassingly
awful." So as a tribute he redubbed it with a
new plot about hardcore porn. Nice. This is a
30MB download, but well worth it.
http://www.markta.co.uk/ttp/
>> 5k of cocaine <<
"I walked in on the end of Channel 5's
shit-thick early afternoon mongfest
'Brainteaser' just as a contestant won £5000,"
confesses goatboy2k. "I was amazed at what the
hostess thought the contestant would spend the
cash on and I just had to share." We are
shocked at this seedy underbelly of daytime TV.
http://snipurl.com/coffeemate
>> The fast FAST show <<
"When I am king this is what will be on TV,"
boasts Rusty Shackleford. We can only hope
that glorious day comes soon if this quickfire
mish-mash of video skits is anything to go by.
It's like a full-blown sketch show in under
two minutes. With TV this condensed,
Eastenders would take four minutes, the news
would be over in three and we could all spend
a lot more time in the pub. Warning: Contains
slight swearing and racist dickhead Bernard
Manning.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_I_am_king
>> Steve Irwin sound board <<
Moved by this week's untimely demise of khaki
croc-botherer Steve Irwin, Jonti Picking has
compiled a selection of the great man's
pithiest sayings so that they may be
celebrated for always.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Goodbye+Steve/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the De-motivational Challenge
Last week we wanted the B3tards to bring
their unique brand of spazdom to the
concept of de-motivational posters.
Your favourites included:
* OPTIMISM - corinoco goes straight to the
top of the pile with his very first
challenge entry. Much like his provocative
image, it's all downhill from here.
(corinoco)
* JESUS - deeply profound treatise on the
nature of God. With added waterskis.
(shambia)
* FOCUS - Luke Skywalker faces doubts as the
reality of the destruction he's about to
wreck hits home (Manic)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/demotivational_poste...
>> New challenge: Corporate Disasters <<
Imagine the scene: Your favourite company gets
swallowed in the most inappropriate corporate
take-over ever. How are the products affected?
Show us what hits the nation's shelves...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporate_disasters/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ADAM BUXTON APOLOGY - a few weeks ago we
described TV comic Adam as owning a sinister
beard and being as round as a barrel. We
didn't actually expect him to read this and
respond that the description, "coming from the
net’s über geeks, stung a little." Ooops.
Having seen Adam on the recent BBC shows Time
Trumpet and the (excellent) Screenwipe, we're
happy to report the absence of beard and a
figure as svelte as a prepubescent schoolgirl.
http://adam-buxton.co.uk/ad/2006/08/29/ken-korda-n...
* EXTORTR ART - Tedious monotones, "out of the
blue I've been invited to exhibit it at a
Viennese net art show. Which isn't the kind of
offer I get every day. So if there are any
Austrian readers of b3ta, they should come to
the Metalab, Rathausstraße 6, sometime next
week."
http://extortr.com/paraflows
* BIFTROVERSY - jason.d.walker swears, "When I
was growing up in Ireland, BIF stood for 'Big
Ignorant Fucker'." Whilst wierdcokechick
notes, "In my neck of the woods (South Africa)
Bif means to wank."
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WORK-SAFE SHOCK-SITE QUIZ - short vids of
you re-creating goatse, tubgirl, lemonparty,
bagslap, meatspin whilst keeping it safe for
the kids. E.g. Do meatspin by attaching a
sausage to your pants and jumping up and down
on the bed. Present in multiple-choice format.
* OLYPMIC RICH-TEA CHALLENGE - how long would
it take to drain an Olympic sized swimming
pool using only Rich-Tea biscuits?
* INTERVIEWS WITH MURDERERS - convicts such as
Ian Huntley and Ian Brady accept mail in
prison. Why not send them a postcard and see
if they write back?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by yoofaloof,
littleghoti, hahn andy/planetnomad,
pitythefool, xoh, Tristram_zx81, Leningrad,
BrassMonkey and 4dam. Top Tippery by
allabouthome.com Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (110420)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
If eggs have dried on your patterned glass
tableware, rub off the residue with a slice of
lemon.
