NEWSLETTER: "JESUS CHRIST'S COCK UP THE VIRGIN MARY'S ARSE"
This Week:
* Swearing - now with sparklers
* Food - a dog dinner. Literally
* Tattoos - oh you don't want to look, really
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're eating the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| dogs... together"
B3ta email 253 - 10 Nov 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue253/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: THE GP2X: IT'S NOT A PSP!
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So come on, put two fingers up at Sony and
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http://www.gp2x.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Need this space? Then speak to using the your
Amstrad emailer phone.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Swears, Woofs & Crackers
>> Swearing Sparklers <<
Looks like Johnyboyf had fun this bonfire
night, we took some sparklers and set his
camera on a long exposure and wrote rude words
in the air. Wonderful stuff. You'll be doing
the same next year we bet.
http://johnyboy.googlepages.com/
>> Eating dogs <<
The lengthy named "Last Night A DJ Battered My
Christ" has followed up his eating fertilised
eggs escapades with one-better. He's only gone
an eaten a dog. Has he shot his load? Can can
he possibly follow this? Copraphilia?
Cannibalism?
http://foodtube.livejournal.com/1358.html
>> Scare your Gran this Xmas <<
"When compiling the Bumper B3ta Book of Sick
Jokes", informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "One of my
favourite ideas I had was to take a handful of
the worst jokes and present them as mottos in
Christmas crackers. I figured people could
print them out and ruin Christmas. Sadly as
last minute production problem prevented the
this from being included in the book, so here
they are, on the web, DVD extra stylee."
http://www.robmanuel.com/category/sick-joke-book/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dentists
Last week we wanted your dentist stories. What
stood out from the tales of blood and gore was
a massive riposte from 'Calfderno', a working
dentist. We are truly humbled. Go read his
rant and brush your horrible teeth:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dentists/
* BIG BREAST LADY
"Look, this is pathetic, but here we go. My
dentist is a beautiful woman in her mid 30s
with a chest which would have been quite at
home in a 1950s sitcom... I'm talking big,
perfectly formed and big. And big. And she
insists on the gas and lets you play your own
CDs while she works... So basically when she
leans over to start work on my mouth and I'm
slightly off my bean with some of my
favourite tunes blaring away and the eighth
and ninth wonders of the world in my face to
be quite honest I couldn't care less whether
she starts drilling with a jackhammer. I'm
thinking of flossing with a mouldy boot-lace
in the hope of encouraging dental problems.
Oh yes and her name is Dr Zongas. No
kidding." (difficultchild)
* BIG FINGER MAN
"I was having a few teeth taken out and my
mouth had been anaesthetised. A few minutes
into the procedure, the dentist began to
shout: "Open your jaw! You're biting me!" Ggg
g ggh! [No I'm not!] "OPEN YOUR JAW! You are
biting my finger!" GGH G GGH! [No I'm not!]
Of course, I couldn't feel a thing because of
the anaesthetic; the full force of my jaw was
clamped down on his finger. In the end, he
had to prise my mouth open with his other
hand and bandage the wounded finger. But not
before he brandished the digit in my face: a
livid and empurpled sausage imprinted with a
flawless imprint of my molars and incisors.
He later became a priest." (frankspencer)
* BIG MOUTH LADY
"My wife has a big mouth. A very big mouth.
She can fit her fist in it, or for that
matter, a small horse. Once when she was in
the dentist's chair, the dentist said "Open
wide". She did. Shocked at the now gaping maw
that appeared, he stumbled backwards and said
"Gracious, not THAT wide." (lardaholics
anonymous )
>> This Week's Question <<
Have your mates ever gone too far? Taken a
normal situation and turned it to shit? We're
waiting for your call.
http://b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "The Pass Around Girl" <<
Introducing Michelle, the lady with "I swallow
cum" tattooed on her right tit and "I eat
pussy" inked on her left. Other tats include
"Fuck My Whore Pussy" on above her hips and
classiest of all, "For Deposit Only" over her
sore looking vagina. She also includes an
email address if you fancy getting to know her
better. NSFW. Like duh.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20061028.html
>> 248 ways to annoy people <<
Huge comedic list of irritating ideas
including our favourites: "If you have a glass
eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
while talking to others", "Wander around a
restaurant, asking other diners for their
parsley", and best of all, "Leave the copy
machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17
inch paper, 99 copies."
http://www.dbooth.net/internerd/annoy.cfm
>> Taxidermy bookmarks <<
Are you the type of anal weirdo who uses
bookmarks instead of just folding down a
corner of a page? Are you also a potential
serial killer? Then you'll love this hot
foreign e-commerce site selling bookmarks made
from real squashed mice. An ideal gift for an
intelligent cat.
http://www.tierpraeparation-bochum.de/shop.html
>> Extreme scarification <<
Continuing the body modification theme is this
delightful young lady who has gouged strips of
skin from her back to create a florid bamboo
motif. Actually the result isn't too shabby,
but it's the work in progress photos that
really turn the stomach. Bloody, fleshy worms
of back skin. Possibly something our
previously mentioned dog eater would like to
chow down on.
http://javimoya.com/blog/galerias/rubia-escarifica...
>> Pimp my shoe <<
Ok we've had case-mods, car-mods but now
trainer-mods? What next? Pimp my scotch egg?
Oh yeah, we did that, last year.
http://www.zoltron.com/shoeseum/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Dogs in hats
HOLD ON! Yes it's the oldest, dullest B3ta
cliche in the world. "Stick in some photos of
animals wearing clothes, that'll keep the
punters happy." But there's something more
here, it's the scope of the site. Thousands of
pups, all web 2.0 tagged, all super fresh and
modern like.
http://www.costumedogs.com/tag/hat/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube raped our mum!
>> u2 meets David Brent? <<
Unintentional humour from an American banking
conference, with sales blokey re-writing the
words to the dwarf-rockers hit, One.
Cringe-making.
http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2006/11/08/one-bank/
>> Billy idol Christmas cash-in <<
Fans of complete shit are in for a treat here
as 80s cyber-twat Billy Idol is back, Back,
BACK! He's made version of Bing Crosby's White
Christmas for the granny market. The comedy
comes from the reasonably competent crooning
combined with Billy's trademark sneers and
fist clenching. Wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ha ha, hold our sides, they're splitting
Phil Spiny writes to us saying, "Insensitive
but amusing name of the day?" Yep, that's
about the size of it.
http://snipurl.com/Kok_On_Chin
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: BONUS GOOGLE GAME
Search engine bores, this is for you!
Mister man writes -
"A simple but fun Google game: search for "x
has no" where x is your favourite city. From
playing it, it seems that Seattle has no one
to blame but themselves, London has no
biological siblings but she has a stepsister
named Yolanda, and Amsterdam has no diplomatic
functions."
Your mileage may vary.
http://www.google.com/search
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Flag Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make some lovely
new flags that said something more about the
wonderful countries on planet Earth.
Our favourites included:
* "I'm with stupid" - finally revenge from
Canada for all those jokes the USA makes.
(wibblywobbly)
* "Ikea flag" - took us a while to get this
one, and when we did, we felt very pleased
with ourselves. (Fishcat)
* "Union jack plug hole" - no, not a old
poster for Oasis but "biting political satire"
from Manic. Sorry manic love, can we run our
"putting the lol into po-lol-otics" line
again?
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flags/
>> New challenge: Jesus <<
This week we're asking the question on every
Mexican's lips, what would Jesus do?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/what_would_jesus_do/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* UPDATED MP3 TOOL - cr3 signs, "Following on
from the success that was the music search
tool I made last, I've made a much, much
faster one. You get one track for one query.
Fair's fair, after all." Try searching for b3ta.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/inspire/
* GOODBYE IRRITATING EMAILS - after getting a
particularly annoying email last week we asked
for a service that could delete all annoying
emails from our inbox. Puneypunk, has come to
the rescue, maybe taking our request a little
too far.
http://lostzone.co.uk/puneypunk/gmail.html
* MOTHERORLOVER CONTROVERSY - a few weeks ago
we asked you to write a quiz called Mother or
Lover, last week we featured one such project
and this week Pineapplecharm writes, "You're
fucking joking! Mine is loads better." Hmm,
he's got a point. But has it got Alex from
Popworld and Sadie Frost in it yet?
http://pineapplecharm.com/motherorlover/
* THE RETUNRN OF THE PROFANIWIKI - Paul
informs, "It was up and then down but now its
up for good. I will endeavour to make it stay
up." Funny that Paul, do you have similar
problems with your old chap?
http://profaniwiki.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things you'd really like to see include
* FUCK PORRIDGE - Harryfreeze writes, "An
excerpt of Porridge edited with Ronnie
Barker's expression 'naff' replaced by 'fuck'
which it was designed to replace. Mainly I'd
like to see Fletch saying 'Fuck off Godber'."
* POLISH FOOD - Fatsquirrel wants our readers
to eat such delights as Peasant's Lard, Pork
Knuckle & Tinned meat for tourists. Report
back please.
http://snipurl.com/polishfood
* CLEANING WITH HUMAN FLUIDS - what gets a
better shine on your car? Earwax or spunk?
(This one suggested by your Ginger Fuhrer)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel. Low
staffed and late because Dave & Fraser have
taken a holiday. Stuff sent in by colonelkb
and ana. Top Tippery by getrichslowly.org.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Zoophilia to b4ta. (01902763521)
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TOP TIP:
Get rich slowly. Tax yourself, every time you
buy something nonessential, put 10% of the
purchase price in an envelope.
