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This Week:
* ART - Use your ZX81 to make beautiful pics
* JESUS TEST - Are you more popular than Him?
* COMPETITION - Win some Rathergood booty

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       elbows... together"

B3ta email 254 - 17 Nov 2006

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  Yay for cash, it's a Sponsored Link

  Oil, Money, Nukes, WMDs, Regime Changes and
  Suicide Bombers ... and an 'EVIL' balaclava to
  keep your granny warm at Xmas. Banned from
  just about everywhere, this year's hit indy
  board game has finally made it through customs.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Is your marketing budget burning a hole in
  your pocket? We can help.


  Jesus thing, ZX81 Art & Ninjas
  >> More popular than Jesus? <<
  B3tards with memories like an elephants will
  remember our project "Which is better?" that
  used Google search results to calculate the
  unequivocal relative greatness of two things,
  by treating every web mention as a vote for
  good. B3tonian Chris goes one louder by fixing
  half the equation to Jesus so you can find out
  what stuff is more or less popular than your
  favourite bearded son of God. Tip: Jesus is
  more popular than B3ta, but sex wins every

  >> ZX81 Artists <<
  In a fit of demented retro whimsy we asked you
  if you could build us a multi-user drawing
  tool only using the graphic capabilities of a
  home computer from the early 80s. Rychan has
  come up trumps, you can even save your work in
  a gallery and check others stuff too. This is
  the social networking tool that Gary Numan
  dreamed of when he sang, "Are friends

  >> Ninjas! <<
  "With the nights drawing in," informs Tedious,
  "I thought it might be a good idea to get the
  "be safe, be seen" road safety message the who
  really need it: ninjas." You know what? We
  thought this would be complete shit, who needs
  another ninja joke on the web, but we watched
  and could help ourselves from grinning. You
  will like it, you will.


  So please don't flood us with begging letters
  >> Star in Weebl's next animation <<
  Jonti Picking writes, "I'm helping out Oxfam.
  I was in the pub for a mates birthday and one
  of his chums is seeing someone that works for
  them. He asked me if I'd be interested in
  doing something that people could bid on."
  Yep, this is your chance to donate money to
  charity AND become super famous net-sexy by
  appearing in the legendary Weebl & Bob
  webtoon. Something to tell the grand-kids
  about anyway.

 >> Should You Be Laughing At This? <<
  Speaking of doing stuff for charity, a lovely
  lady called Anna from Penguin Books has been
  hassling us for weeks to link to a website to
  promote a book called "Should You Be Laughing
  At This?" She's utterly convinced that it's
  the type of book B3ta readers would love.
  Partly to shut her up and partly because we
  fancied doing something nice, we've agreed to
  her little scheme on the proviso that she
  sends 40 or so children's books to our local
  (state run) nursery. Anyways, have a look at
  her site, knowing that some under 4s in Camden
  now have lots of new books thanks to you, dear
  readers, thanks to you.


  Rathergood competition
  In the spirit of trying something slightly
  different, we've set up a small competition to
  win some of Joel Veitch's new range of soft
  toys. Basically you have to complete the tie
  breaker, "If I was Joel for a day I would..."
  and then add it to the comment thread on this
  here blog. If it goes well, we'll run another
  competition next week. Or not, depends on
  whether we can be arsed really.


  25 Sickest jokes ever, Gov stuff & Macca

  >> More sick joke book stuff <<
  Possibly you're fed up to your back teeth of us
  banging on about the B3ta book, but one of our
  aims from the start was to try and involve you
  lot with all stages of production. A kind of,
  "look, if we can do this stuff, then get of
  your arse and do something interesting
  yourself" approach. Anyways, getting a book
  into the shops is only half the battle, you
  also need to get newspapers to write about it.
  Here's the state of play so far, mentions in
  Zoo Magazine, Broadcast, The Guardian and The
  Evening Standard. Maybe you can help? Even
  writing a little review on Amazon is
  worthwhile. BTW: If all this is too dull for
  you, click the Zoo link as that has the 25
  Sickest Jokes in one lovely page and it looks
  rather nice.

  >> Petition the Government <<
  Our lovely UK government has caught up with
  the Web 1996 stylee and is offering the
  facility for members of the public to make
  polls on their official website. B3tard Manic
  is petitioning Tony Blair to stick jelly on
  his head. Go on, sign it, it's not going to
  work, but it might annoy a few politicians and
  reach the papers.

  >> Frog chorus <<
  Keeping with our image challenge theme this
  week of photoshopping Paul McCartney, wordbomb
  has been slicing together footage of
  explosions with Macca's pean to
  pond-bothering, The Frog Chorus. 


  Going Too Far
  Last week we asked wanted to hear tales from
  when someone you know went that little bit too

    "I once lived in a flat with a house cat.
    When rutting season came along and the
    alleys were full of wails and screeches, the
    poor female cat would be driven insane with
    horniness and rub her bottom on me all the
    time. I pitied the poor creature and
    wondered if I couldn't do something. So when
    my flatmate was out (it was her cat), I
    obtained a piece of plastic which seemed to
    correspond exactly to the kitty aperture.
    And I delicately inserted it thence while
    holding the scruff of her neck as male cats
    do with their teeth. She moaned. She wailed.
    She writhed. She growled. Then she rolled
    around ecstatically on her back with legs
    akimbo, fully satiated. I had done a good
    deed. Imagine, then, my feelings of
    embarrassment as my flatmate walked in to
    see me with the plastic cat penis poised...
    having just heard the moans and groans of
    her cat. "You fucked my cat!" she said. I
    had gone too far." (frankspencer)
  * HIT & RUN
    "One of my mates occasionally has too many
    when we go to the pub, and rather than leave
    his car there, has the nasty habit of
    driving home trolleyed. One night he did it
    when I was staying at his. I'd got up a few
    hours before him and happened to catch the
    local news. It turned out that some old
    duffer had been knocked over and killed by a
    hit and run driver the night before. Well...
    the opportunity was just too tempting. I
    almost ran to the town centre. I had three
    stops on my list: The butchers (pig's hearts
    are free if you ask nicely), the
    hairdressers (they look at you funny but
    they'll give you a bit of hair if you ask)
    and the off-Licence (you have to buy a local
    paper). After 2 minutes my master piece is
    ready for action. The car is doused in pig
    blood and little bits of flesh and hair, and
    the headlight is smashed. An hour later up
    he gets, still half asleep. He glances at
    the perfectly placed paper but thinks
    nothing of it. Then about half-an-hour later
    he goes out to his car. The look of slow
    realisation dawning on his face as he
    realised what must have happened was
    absolutely priceless, and worth any amount
    that the headlight would cost. Then it
    reached a new height of funny for me. He
    started almost crying saying that he'd have
    to turn himself in. At this point most
    people would have stopped, but not me... no
    way. I offered to go with him, and let him
    get all the way to the front door of the
    police station before I told him the truth."

    "Myself and mates at my local set up a
    challenge to see who could nick the most
    innovative/difficult thing from a curry
    house. A couple of weeks later, we were at a
    party discussing who had "won" the challenge
    and had decided on a prize of a crate of
    lager (naturally). It was reasonably late
    and we were all hammered, when two of the
    guys disappeared. Half an hour later they
    return carrying a waiter with a mail bag
    over his head and his ankles tied together.
    The small Indian chap was more confused at
    being kidnapped than annoyed. However, once
    he had got his bearings, it took some effort
    to placate him. Stealing a waiter... that's
    going too far..." (Mandrill)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Beautiful but bonkers: what kind of 
  lunacy have you put up with in the 
  name of lust?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Rate my teacher <<
  Just caught this link on some random site we
  were lurking on. The crazy boarders were
  logging onto this school site, looking up
  their old teachers and writing nasty things
  about them. Surely a court case waiting to
  happen? And specifically we don't want you to
  look up the Ginger Fuhrer's old school
  (Smestow, Wolverhampton) and write weird
  things about perfectly nice teachers who he
  hasn't seen for fifteen years. Nope, be nice
  for once my pretty B3tards, look up your own
  school and make your old teachers feel great
  by spreading a little love.

  >> Crazy cat lady action figure <<
  In B3ta towers we have a window that opens
  onto the street, we often leave it open as,
  well, fresh air makes the master-race strong.
  Anyway, there's a mad cat lady in the street
  and she peers in and tells us that our old
  mouser wants to come in. She does this
  probably ten times per week. Regardless that
  the official B3ta cat, Rocky, has his own
  royal flap and can come and go as he pleases.
  Anyways, this rambling has a reason. Look! You
  can buy a doll that looks just like her. Well,
  if she was American instead of being Greek.

  >> Cat gives birth to puppies? <<
  A story that's done the rounds of blogs this
  week is the touching tale of a Brazilian
  moggy producing a litter of pups. Clearly
  bollocks, as anyone with a who's ever tried to
  mate a dog with a cat, will tell you. However,
  we enjoyed the Digg thread on it. Ah, fuck it,
  go and read Digg for a bit. Digg rocks.

  >> Why anal sex is wrong <<
  "I found this link to a spoof site about the
  importance of not loosing your brown wings,"
  boasts Willenium, "I laughed so hard I had to
  send it." You know what? We don't normally
  like this sort of thing, but it made us
  giggle, so that's good enough for us.

  >> Stay off the smack, kid! <<
  We're not normally ones to take a line on drug
  use, it's your body, do as you will etc. But
  we found this photo of a homeless heroin user
  rather disturbing. It certainly made us glad
  that we have a roof over our head and don't
  have a problem with the brown. Brr. Enough
  being crass, give a fiver to the homeless
  bloke on the way home tonight. Or fight him.

  >> Best website ever <<
  If this weeks newsletter has a slightly
  downbeat tone this week, it's because
  co-writer Dave is on holiday in New York and
  we have no one to bounce stuff off and laugh
  with. Poor us. Hence we spent a large amount
  of time we should have spent preparing the
  material, reading this financial advice site
  instead. It's utterly, utterly great and
  remember kids, "wealth is the money you don't
  spend." BTW: If the site's author Martin Lewis
  fancies doing an interview then please get in
  touch. We're certain that lots of our readers
  might have quite insane financial problems
  that we'd love to hear your opinion on.
  (Assuming Martin is not too busy having a
  successful TV career, that is.)


  Our second sponsored link, this time a BBC video
  "Did Tony really just do that to Gordon? ‘Don’t
  Watch That, Watch This’ returns to BBC4 on
  Wednesday nights for more irreverent mashed-up
  fun. The BBC archive has been put through the
  mincer to give us more cut and paste TV for
  the e-generation!"


  The un-sponsored video links...

  >> Home-made roller coaster <<
  It's the 360 degree loop that really wigs us
  out here. Can someone come and build one in
  the official B3ta garden? Please?

  >> Retro public information films << 
  Absolute gold, maybe you've seen this before,
  but Tufty, Rolf Harris AND Charly all
  together, it's nostalgia city for old gits
  like us. The more ambitious of you might like
  to use this material to make some new stuff.
  Go on.

  >> Beat-box nutter plays drums <<
  Remember that bloke who did the fast edited
  beat-box stuff? He's back and got a drum kit.
  Interesting to see that Youtube is now mature
  enough to through up a few genuine stars. This
  guy surely must have had a few approaches to
  direct ads / pop videos. 

  >> Crap Burglar <<
  We'll hand this sentence over to B3ta reader
  Jangle who tells us, "this video gave me the
  best 2 minutes and 39 seconds of my day." He's
  not wrong, watch in wonder as blokey breaks
  into a store, falls through the roof, fall
  again trying to get out, fails to smash the
  security camera and then waits to be arrested.
  Great stuff.

  >> Girl shits in pool <<
  Possibly the least successful attempt to film
  a pop video ever. Or is it a viral for an
  ex-lax? Who can tell these days? Whatever, it
  is a startling bit of video.

  >> My hands are bananas <<
  Weird  song that gives us the creeps. You'll
  love it, trust us, you'll thank us for sharing
  the joy.


  Stick rusty forks in our collective japs-eye
  Kate Saygo writes, "Just in case you haven't
  already seen this.  Not exactly a cool link,
  but made me smile."
  You know what? When does a funny name simply
  become marketing? It's like that estate agent
  we spotted in Devon once. Big Black Hen. (Big
  Black Cocks, if we have to spell it out for
  the slow kids at the back.)


  Stop it with the cocks
  Ever since we published our Phallic Logo
  Awards, people have taken it upon themselves
  to fill our inbox with a daily stream of
  mock-cock related imagery. We probably should
  just archive it all up for another award, but
  that's too much like hard work for lazy bones
  like us. Hence here's a taster of the stuff
  that gets sent in. Quickly done like with no
  posh awards. 

  >> Chemistry Cocks <<
  "Being a research chemist can be
  excruciatingly dull at times" complains Rushy,
  "So imagine my surprise to discover this in a
  proper scientific journal!" And in case you
  think we're shitting you, the reference is D.
  H. Reneker et al.; (1992) Smart Materials and
  Structures, 1, 84-90. Look that up science
  nerds. (Not that we want you to stop you doing
  something useful like curing cancer.)

  >> Thanks Uncle Glitter! We love it! <<
  Whilst C_Phoenix10 takes a more resigned note,
  "It's prolly made its rounds but still worth
  appearing in Friday's newsletter." BTW: This
  prolly / probably thing is getting a bit much
  for us. We found ourselves using prolly in
  speech the other day. And then hating
  ourselves for it. LOL! Gah.

  Anyway, we'd ask you to stop sending stuff
  like this in, but as the award feature is
  regularly linked on random blogs, we know our
  pain will never stop.

  Results from the Jesus Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would
  do in any given scenario. You gave us the

  Your favourites included:
  * SPRINGBOARD - That walking on water thing
  can be a pain in the ass sometimes (Flannet)

  * SNOOKER - On the other hand, that stigmata
  scarring can be really useful (Duphrates)

  * PARKING - Disability is no barrier when
  Jesus wants a parking space (Monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Shop Macca <<
  Poor old Paul McCartney: marries and divorces
  a one-legged porn star, yet remains the most
  boring Beatle. So let's manipulate Macca to
  make him more interesting.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SORRY MUM - w_middleton mews, "Hi Rob.
  followed your link to the PROFANIWIKI and
  found this interesting entry: Nuns Cunt.
  Extremely dry, like Rob Manuel's mother." Now
  really B3tards. Our poor mother, thank Christ
  she doesn't look at B3ta.

  * USB CELL SUCCESS - Simon from the impressive
  sounding Moixaenergy writes, "Thanks for your
  mention of our USBCELL in newsletter 247.
  We've just gone live today with availability
  in the USA due to massive demand there. PS:
  email me your address/contact and I'll make
  sure you get some product." Blimey, 5 years of
  writing this newsletter and we get some free
  batteries. We tell you, dear readers, the
  glamour of running B3ta simply never stops.
  Although that's not say we're not taking the
  free batteries. Assuming they turn up. BTW: In
  the past we've been offered a free bean bag
  (THE SIZE OF A HOUSE!) and some sticky stuff
  for getting dog hair off the sofa. They didn't
  turn up. And we don't own a dog anyway.


  That controversial mailbag in full
  * Tateforce challenges - "The subject 'Jesus
  Christ's cock up the Virgin Mary's arse'. Very
  brave but offending Christians/Catholics is
  easy as there is little or no risk. Which
  you've already concluded.  I'd like to see you
  dare create one that is as offensive to
  Muslims. You won't dare though." Actually, we
  did briefly consider "Muhammad's cock up
  Allah's arse" but the thing is, we think the
  Muslim community are currently getting a
  really bad time of it, and they don't need
  idiots like us getting involved. Not that we
  don't want a Fatwa, we've got a book out (did
  we mention that?) and it didn't hurt Salman
  Rushdie's sales, did it?

  * Brian informs, "I get my B3TA newsletter at
  a Yahoo address. I found i could not forward
  it to my normal ISP address. After quite a bit
  of experimenting, i found it was just the
  Jesus and Mary title. When I changed it to
  "Bland Newsletter Title" it relayed
  immediately." Ah. Bollocks, it's not fair, we
  can't even swear these days without the
  fucking spam police thinking we're selling
  penis pills.

  * Jeligula complains, "Was last week's
  newsletter title really necessary?  I was
  showing some people at work the nifty bamboo
  scar and left over flesh from that woman who
  had the work done when a co-worker noticed the
  browser window behind the one I was showing
  them.  The title said "Jesus Christ's Cock up
  Virgin Mary's Arse."  I appreciate shock value
  as much as the next person, but this got me in
  trouble (almost got me fired) and was actually
  done in the worst possible taste.  I know that
  you at B3TA towers pride yourselves on your
  complete and total lack of taste, but wouldn't
  putting in an effort not to alienate your
  devotees be worth your time?  Just a thought."

  Anyway, to be clear. We don't want to get
  anyone sacked, well, not unless they film it
  and send it in as content for next weeks



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BURNMYFLAG.COM - The Rand Corporation
  demands, " I am desperately wanting to see a
  website call burnmyflag.com featuring burning
  flags of all nations, but especially those
  countries which are usually overlooked - liked
  Andorra, Sweden and maybe Wales." Yes, quite.

  * CAPTIONMYKITTEN.COM - like ratemykitten but
  with a competition for users to vote and write
  the best captions for the kitties. You'll make
  fucking thousands from the Adsense if you do
  it right.
  * 8-BIT SCARFS - you know with Pong and Space
  Invaders and stuff. Coz knitting is a bit like
  pixels you see. Actually, don't bother sending
  this in, we've this very site lined up for
  next weeks newsletter with a fantastic, "Free
  scarfs for b3ta reader competition." We can see
  you're excited. Calm down.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
  David Stevenson, who's pissed off on a poncey
  trip to the states leaving Rob alone, sobbing
  into his text editor. Stuff sent in by
  Frozen_Banana, Liphook (good luck with your
  launch Natasha. Don't headbutt anyone.),
  ameoba4000, Felchman, concurrency.co.uk, and
  Kamikazee Killmouse. Top Tippery by Andy Crane
  (but presumably not the one who used to be on
  telly, but it might be, how exciting)
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Usually. But he's authoring a DVD or something
  hence Fraser did it this week. But Mike is
  having a party on Sat and we're going to that,
  so we'll probably be able to bring you more on
  this exciting story then. YAY to b4ta. (Who
  gives a shit how many subs there are, it's
  over 100,000 which is better than 10 or


  "Following your serious money saving tips last
  week... Dull as ditch-water, but did you know
  the idiots at TFL have now made it stupidly
  easy to get refunds every time your tube's
  delayed! Which is about once a week for me."

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