NEWSLETTER: "BLAND NEWSLETTER TITLE"
This Week:
* ART - Use your ZX81 to make beautiful pics
* JESUS TEST - Are you more popular than Him?
* COMPETITION - Win some Rathergood booty
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| elbows... together"
B3ta email 254 - 17 Nov 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue254/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: TERRORISM: OFFICIALLY GOOD FUN
Yay for cash, it's a Sponsored Link
Oil, Money, Nukes, WMDs, Regime Changes and
Suicide Bombers ... and an 'EVIL' balaclava to
keep your granny warm at Xmas. Banned from
just about everywhere, this year's hit indy
board game has finally made it through customs.
http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Is your marketing budget burning a hole in
your pocket? We can help.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Jesus thing, ZX81 Art & Ninjas
>> More popular than Jesus? <<
B3tards with memories like an elephants will
remember our project "Which is better?" that
used Google search results to calculate the
unequivocal relative greatness of two things,
by treating every web mention as a vote for
good. B3tonian Chris goes one louder by fixing
half the equation to Jesus so you can find out
what stuff is more or less popular than your
favourite bearded son of God. Tip: Jesus is
more popular than B3ta, but sex wins every
time.
http://www.morepopularthanjesus.com/
>> ZX81 Artists <<
In a fit of demented retro whimsy we asked you
if you could build us a multi-user drawing
tool only using the graphic capabilities of a
home computer from the early 80s. Rychan has
come up trumps, you can even save your work in
a gallery and check others stuff too. This is
the social networking tool that Gary Numan
dreamed of when he sang, "Are friends
electric?"
http://www.refreshcreations.co.uk/ZX81/
>> Ninjas! <<
"With the nights drawing in," informs Tedious,
"I thought it might be a good idea to get the
"be safe, be seen" road safety message the who
really need it: ninjas." You know what? We
thought this would be complete shit, who needs
another ninja joke on the web, but we watched
and could help ourselves from grinning. You
will like it, you will.
http://www.thomasscott.net/safety/
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: THE NEVER TO BE REPEATED CHARITY SECTION
So please don't flood us with begging letters
>> Star in Weebl's next animation <<
Jonti Picking writes, "I'm helping out Oxfam.
I was in the pub for a mates birthday and one
of his chums is seeing someone that works for
them. He asked me if I'd be interested in
doing something that people could bid on."
Yep, this is your chance to donate money to
charity AND become super famous net-sexy by
appearing in the legendary Weebl & Bob
webtoon. Something to tell the grand-kids
about anyway.
http://snipurl.com/weebl_ebay
>> Should You Be Laughing At This? <<
Speaking of doing stuff for charity, a lovely
lady called Anna from Penguin Books has been
hassling us for weeks to link to a website to
promote a book called "Should You Be Laughing
At This?" She's utterly convinced that it's
the type of book B3ta readers would love.
Partly to shut her up and partly because we
fancied doing something nice, we've agreed to
her little scheme on the proviso that she
sends 40 or so children's books to our local
(state run) nursery. Anyways, have a look at
her site, knowing that some under 4s in Camden
now have lots of new books thanks to you, dear
readers, thanks to you.
http://www.shouldyoubelaughingatthis.co.uk/
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: WIN WIN WIN
Rathergood competition
In the spirit of trying something slightly
different, we've set up a small competition to
win some of Joel Veitch's new range of soft
toys. Basically you have to complete the tie
breaker, "If I was Joel for a day I would..."
and then add it to the comment thread on this
here blog. If it goes well, we'll run another
competition next week. Or not, depends on
whether we can be arsed really.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/15/rathergood-com...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
25 Sickest jokes ever, Gov stuff & Macca
>> More sick joke book stuff <<
Possibly you're fed up to your back teeth of us
banging on about the B3ta book, but one of our
aims from the start was to try and involve you
lot with all stages of production. A kind of,
"look, if we can do this stuff, then get of
your arse and do something interesting
yourself" approach. Anyways, getting a book
into the shops is only half the battle, you
also need to get newspapers to write about it.
Here's the state of play so far, mentions in
Zoo Magazine, Broadcast, The Guardian and The
Evening Standard. Maybe you can help? Even
writing a little review on Amazon is
worthwhile. BTW: If all this is too dull for
you, click the Zoo link as that has the 25
Sickest Jokes in one lovely page and it looks
rather nice.
http://snipurl.com/_25_sickest_jokes
>> Petition the Government <<
Our lovely UK government has caught up with
the Web 1996 stylee and is offering the
facility for members of the public to make
polls on their official website. B3tard Manic
is petitioning Tony Blair to stick jelly on
his head. Go on, sign it, it's not going to
work, but it might annoy a few politicians and
reach the papers.
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/
>> Frog chorus <<
Keeping with our image challenge theme this
week of photoshopping Paul McCartney, wordbomb
has been slicing together footage of
explosions with Macca's pean to
pond-bothering, The Frog Chorus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Going Too Far
Last week we asked wanted to hear tales from
when someone you know went that little bit too
far:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/
* CAT SEX
"I once lived in a flat with a house cat.
When rutting season came along and the
alleys were full of wails and screeches, the
poor female cat would be driven insane with
horniness and rub her bottom on me all the
time. I pitied the poor creature and
wondered if I couldn't do something. So when
my flatmate was out (it was her cat), I
obtained a piece of plastic which seemed to
correspond exactly to the kitty aperture.
And I delicately inserted it thence while
holding the scruff of her neck as male cats
do with their teeth. She moaned. She wailed.
She writhed. She growled. Then she rolled
around ecstatically on her back with legs
akimbo, fully satiated. I had done a good
deed. Imagine, then, my feelings of
embarrassment as my flatmate walked in to
see me with the plastic cat penis poised...
having just heard the moans and groans of
her cat. "You fucked my cat!" she said. I
had gone too far." (frankspencer)
* HIT & RUN
"One of my mates occasionally has too many
when we go to the pub, and rather than leave
his car there, has the nasty habit of
driving home trolleyed. One night he did it
when I was staying at his. I'd got up a few
hours before him and happened to catch the
local news. It turned out that some old
duffer had been knocked over and killed by a
hit and run driver the night before. Well...
the opportunity was just too tempting. I
almost ran to the town centre. I had three
stops on my list: The butchers (pig's hearts
are free if you ask nicely), the
hairdressers (they look at you funny but
they'll give you a bit of hair if you ask)
and the off-Licence (you have to buy a local
paper). After 2 minutes my master piece is
ready for action. The car is doused in pig
blood and little bits of flesh and hair, and
the headlight is smashed. An hour later up
he gets, still half asleep. He glances at
the perfectly placed paper but thinks
nothing of it. Then about half-an-hour later
he goes out to his car. The look of slow
realisation dawning on his face as he
realised what must have happened was
absolutely priceless, and worth any amount
that the headlight would cost. Then it
reached a new height of funny for me. He
started almost crying saying that he'd have
to turn himself in. At this point most
people would have stopped, but not me... no
way. I offered to go with him, and let him
get all the way to the front door of the
police station before I told him the truth."
(Furness)
* CURRY CAPERS
"Myself and mates at my local set up a
challenge to see who could nick the most
innovative/difficult thing from a curry
house. A couple of weeks later, we were at a
party discussing who had "won" the challenge
and had decided on a prize of a crate of
lager (naturally). It was reasonably late
and we were all hammered, when two of the
guys disappeared. Half an hour later they
return carrying a waiter with a mail bag
over his head and his ankles tied together.
The small Indian chap was more confused at
being kidnapped than annoyed. However, once
he had got his bearings, it took some effort
to placate him. Stealing a waiter... that's
going too far..." (Mandrill)
>> This Week's Question <<
Beautiful but bonkers: what kind of
lunacy have you put up with in the
name of lust?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bonkers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Rate my teacher <<
Just caught this link on some random site we
were lurking on. The crazy boarders were
logging onto this school site, looking up
their old teachers and writing nasty things
about them. Surely a court case waiting to
happen? And specifically we don't want you to
look up the Ginger Fuhrer's old school
(Smestow, Wolverhampton) and write weird
things about perfectly nice teachers who he
hasn't seen for fifteen years. Nope, be nice
for once my pretty B3tards, look up your own
school and make your old teachers feel great
by spreading a little love.
http://www.ratemyteachers.co.uk/
>> Crazy cat lady action figure <<
In B3ta towers we have a window that opens
onto the street, we often leave it open as,
well, fresh air makes the master-race strong.
Anyway, there's a mad cat lady in the street
and she peers in and tells us that our old
mouser wants to come in. She does this
probably ten times per week. Regardless that
the official B3ta cat, Rocky, has his own
royal flap and can come and go as he pleases.
Anyways, this rambling has a reason. Look! You
can buy a doll that looks just like her. Well,
if she was American instead of being Greek.
http://snipurl.com/meowmeow
>> Cat gives birth to puppies? <<
A story that's done the rounds of blogs this
week is the touching tale of a Brazilian
moggy producing a litter of pups. Clearly
bollocks, as anyone with a who's ever tried to
mate a dog with a cat, will tell you. However,
we enjoyed the Digg thread on it. Ah, fuck it,
go and read Digg for a bit. Digg rocks.
http://digg.com/general_sciences/Cat_gives_birth_t...
>> Why anal sex is wrong <<
"I found this link to a spoof site about the
importance of not loosing your brown wings,"
boasts Willenium, "I laughed so hard I had to
send it." You know what? We don't normally
like this sort of thing, but it made us
giggle, so that's good enough for us.
http://www.utterpants.co.uk/news/sex/analscourge.h...
>> Stay off the smack, kid! <<
We're not normally ones to take a line on drug
use, it's your body, do as you will etc. But
we found this photo of a homeless heroin user
rather disturbing. It certainly made us glad
that we have a roof over our head and don't
have a problem with the brown. Brr. Enough
being crass, give a fiver to the homeless
bloke on the way home tonight. Or fight him.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoneth/206309920/
>> Best website ever <<
If this weeks newsletter has a slightly
downbeat tone this week, it's because
co-writer Dave is on holiday in New York and
we have no one to bounce stuff off and laugh
with. Poor us. Hence we spent a large amount
of time we should have spent preparing the
material, reading this financial advice site
instead. It's utterly, utterly great and
remember kids, "wealth is the money you don't
spend." BTW: If the site's author Martin Lewis
fancies doing an interview then please get in
touch. We're certain that lots of our readers
might have quite insane financial problems
that we'd love to hear your opinion on.
(Assuming Martin is not too busy having a
successful TV career, that is.)
http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/
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: MARY WHITEHOUSE IS A NYMPHO!
Our second sponsored link, this time a BBC video
"Did Tony really just do that to Gordon? ‘Don’t
Watch That, Watch This’ returns to BBC4 on
Wednesday nights for more irreverent mashed-up
fun. The BBC archive has been put through the
mincer to give us more cut and paste TV for
the e-generation!"
http://snipurl.com/myspace_dwtwt
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The un-sponsored video links...
>> Home-made roller coaster <<
It's the 360 degree loop that really wigs us
out here. Can someone come and build one in
the official B3ta garden? Please?
http://snipurl.com/loveisarollercoaster
>> Retro public information films <<
Absolute gold, maybe you've seen this before,
but Tufty, Rolf Harris AND Charly all
together, it's nostalgia city for old gits
like us. The more ambitious of you might like
to use this material to make some new stuff.
Go on.
http://snipurl.com/charlysays
>> Beat-box nutter plays drums <<
Remember that bloke who did the fast edited
beat-box stuff? He's back and got a drum kit.
Interesting to see that Youtube is now mature
enough to through up a few genuine stars. This
guy surely must have had a few approaches to
direct ads / pop videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Crap Burglar <<
We'll hand this sentence over to B3ta reader
Jangle who tells us, "this video gave me the
best 2 minutes and 39 seconds of my day." He's
not wrong, watch in wonder as blokey breaks
into a store, falls through the roof, fall
again trying to get out, fails to smash the
security camera and then waits to be arrested.
Great stuff.
http://snipurl.com/ohyoumoron
>> Girl shits in pool <<
Possibly the least successful attempt to film
a pop video ever. Or is it a viral for an
ex-lax? Who can tell these days? Whatever, it
is a startling bit of video.
http://one.revver.com/watch/95332/format/flv/affil...
>> My hands are bananas <<
Weird song that gives us the creeps. You'll
love it, trust us, you'll thank us for sharing
the joy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: "FUNNY" NAME CORNER
Stick rusty forks in our collective japs-eye
Kate Saygo writes, "Just in case you haven't
already seen this. Not exactly a cool link,
but made me smile."
You know what? When does a funny name simply
become marketing? It's like that estate agent
we spotted in Devon once. Big Black Hen. (Big
Black Cocks, if we have to spell it out for
the slow kids at the back.)
http://www.flaps.com/
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: PHALLIC PHALLIC PHALLIC
Stop it with the cocks
Ever since we published our Phallic Logo
Awards, people have taken it upon themselves
to fill our inbox with a daily stream of
mock-cock related imagery. We probably should
just archive it all up for another award, but
that's too much like hard work for lazy bones
like us. Hence here's a taster of the stuff
that gets sent in. Quickly done like with no
posh awards.
>> Chemistry Cocks <<
"Being a research chemist can be
excruciatingly dull at times" complains Rushy,
"So imagine my surprise to discover this in a
proper scientific journal!" And in case you
think we're shitting you, the reference is D.
H. Reneker et al.; (1992) Smart Materials and
Structures, 1, 84-90. Look that up science
nerds. (Not that we want you to stop you doing
something useful like curing cancer.)
http://www.b3tards.com/u/560d1e05624b607ada58/file...
>> Thanks Uncle Glitter! We love it! <<
Whilst C_Phoenix10 takes a more resigned note,
"It's prolly made its rounds but still worth
appearing in Friday's newsletter." BTW: This
prolly / probably thing is getting a bit much
for us. We found ourselves using prolly in
speech the other day. And then hating
ourselves for it. LOL! Gah.
http://snipurl.com/thislooksfun
Anyway, we'd ask you to stop sending stuff
like this in, but as the award feature is
regularly linked on random blogs, we know our
pain will never stop.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Jesus Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would
do in any given scenario. You gave us the
gospel.
Your favourites included:
* SPRINGBOARD - That walking on water thing
can be a pain in the ass sometimes (Flannet)
* SNOOKER - On the other hand, that stigmata
scarring can be really useful (Duphrates)
* PARKING - Disability is no barrier when
Jesus wants a parking space (Monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/what_would_jesus_do/
>> New challenge: Shop Macca <<
Poor old Paul McCartney: marries and divorces
a one-legged porn star, yet remains the most
boring Beatle. So let's manipulate Macca to
make him more interesting.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macca/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SORRY MUM - w_middleton mews, "Hi Rob.
followed your link to the PROFANIWIKI and
found this interesting entry: Nuns Cunt.
Extremely dry, like Rob Manuel's mother." Now
really B3tards. Our poor mother, thank Christ
she doesn't look at B3ta.
http://www.profaniwiki.com/index.php
* USB CELL SUCCESS - Simon from the impressive
sounding Moixaenergy writes, "Thanks for your
mention of our USBCELL in newsletter 247.
We've just gone live today with availability
in the USA due to massive demand there. PS:
email me your address/contact and I'll make
sure you get some product." Blimey, 5 years of
writing this newsletter and we get some free
batteries. We tell you, dear readers, the
glamour of running B3ta simply never stops.
Although that's not say we're not taking the
free batteries. Assuming they turn up. BTW: In
the past we've been offered a free bean bag
(THE SIZE OF A HOUSE!) and some sticky stuff
for getting dog hair off the sofa. They didn't
turn up. And we don't own a dog anyway.
http://www.usbcell.com/product/1
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: WHY THE RUBBISH NEWLSETTER TITLE THIS WEEK?
That controversial mailbag in full
* Tateforce challenges - "The subject 'Jesus
Christ's cock up the Virgin Mary's arse'. Very
brave but offending Christians/Catholics is
easy as there is little or no risk. Which
you've already concluded. I'd like to see you
dare create one that is as offensive to
Muslims. You won't dare though." Actually, we
did briefly consider "Muhammad's cock up
Allah's arse" but the thing is, we think the
Muslim community are currently getting a
really bad time of it, and they don't need
idiots like us getting involved. Not that we
don't want a Fatwa, we've got a book out (did
we mention that?) and it didn't hurt Salman
Rushdie's sales, did it?
* Brian informs, "I get my B3TA newsletter at
a Yahoo address. I found i could not forward
it to my normal ISP address. After quite a bit
of experimenting, i found it was just the
Jesus and Mary title. When I changed it to
"Bland Newsletter Title" it relayed
immediately." Ah. Bollocks, it's not fair, we
can't even swear these days without the
fucking spam police thinking we're selling
penis pills.
* Jeligula complains, "Was last week's
newsletter title really necessary? I was
showing some people at work the nifty bamboo
scar and left over flesh from that woman who
had the work done when a co-worker noticed the
browser window behind the one I was showing
them. The title said "Jesus Christ's Cock up
Virgin Mary's Arse." I appreciate shock value
as much as the next person, but this got me in
trouble (almost got me fired) and was actually
done in the worst possible taste. I know that
you at B3TA towers pride yourselves on your
complete and total lack of taste, but wouldn't
putting in an effort not to alienate your
devotees be worth your time? Just a thought."
Anyway, to be clear. We don't want to get
anyone sacked, well, not unless they film it
and send it in as content for next weeks
newsletter.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BURNMYFLAG.COM - The Rand Corporation
demands, " I am desperately wanting to see a
website call burnmyflag.com featuring burning
flags of all nations, but especially those
countries which are usually overlooked - liked
Andorra, Sweden and maybe Wales." Yes, quite.
* CAPTIONMYKITTEN.COM - like ratemykitten but
with a competition for users to vote and write
the best captions for the kitties. You'll make
fucking thousands from the Adsense if you do
it right.
* 8-BIT SCARFS - you know with Pong and Space
Invaders and stuff. Coz knitting is a bit like
pixels you see. Actually, don't bother sending
this in, we've this very site lined up for
next weeks newsletter with a fantastic, "Free
scarfs for b3ta reader competition." We can see
you're excited. Calm down.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
David Stevenson, who's pissed off on a poncey
trip to the states leaving Rob alone, sobbing
into his text editor. Stuff sent in by
Frozen_Banana, Liphook (good luck with your
launch Natasha. Don't headbutt anyone.),
ameoba4000, Felchman, concurrency.co.uk, and
Kamikazee Killmouse. Top Tippery by Andy Crane
(but presumably not the one who used to be on
telly, but it might be, how exciting)
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Usually. But he's authoring a DVD or something
hence Fraser did it this week. But Mike is
having a party on Sat and we're going to that,
so we'll probably be able to bring you more on
this exciting story then. YAY to b4ta. (Who
gives a shit how many subs there are, it's
over 100,000 which is better than 10 or
something.)
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TOP TIP:
"Following your serious money saving tips last
week... Dull as ditch-water, but did you know
the idiots at TFL have now made it stupidly
easy to get refunds every time your tube's
delayed! Which is about once a week for me."
https://www.tfl.gov.uk/tube/contacts/refunds.asp
