NEWSLETTER: "A SMIDGEN OF PIGEON IS JUST ENOUGH TO GIVE YOUR KIDS A TREAT, FULL OF PIGEONY GOODNESS UNTIL IT'S TIME TO EAT"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Tell us your debt woes
* JIMMY SAVILE - Is he dead yet?
* MUSIC - Diana, The Musical
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 255 - 24 Nov 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue255/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: BEST OF THE WEB... NOW ON TV
Sponsored link
Loving the absurd movies you get in your
inbox? Laughing out loud at those risqué
commercials you've downloaded? Liking
the stupidity of people on their webcams?
Then take a look at Totally Viral as it
brings all that content direct to your
TV, watch it only on UKTV G2 from Monday
27th November at 10.30pm. NOTE: Contains
title sequence from Weebl, so that's
another good reason to watch it.
http://snipurl.com/b3ta_totally_viral
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Need our love? Then speak using the mighty
power of your fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense, bollocks and filth
>> Jimmy Savile death-watch <<
"To end the constant 'isn't he dead?'
discussions in the office", whines Johnsto,
"I've started up one of those 'blog' things to
monitor and chronicle how dead Jimmy Savile
is. It gets updated every few hours with the
latest developments; if death-shy Jimmy dies,
it'll be there sort of pronto. Not a lot has
happened thus far, but I have a good feeling
about next Thursday." Fingers crossed.
http://jimmysavilledeathwatch.blogspot.com/
>> Craptic crossword <<
Baldmonkey has been annoying the fuck out of
our messageboards for months now, but he's
done one thing that makes his existence on
this miserable planet worthwhile. He's
upgraded the humble crossword and filled it
with shit. Yep, every clue and every answer is
turdicular. Print it out and stick it your
bog. Hopefully answers will be provided next
week.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/craptic.gi...
>> Polaroids in the post <<
McAllister asks, "Have you ever tried popping
a stamp on a Polaroid and dropping it in the
post? Or better still, send us one. It's like
a really low tech Flickr."
http://www.postcardpolaroid.com/
>> Caption my kitten <<
Last week we asked you to build a site with
the above title. Doktorrob gambols in and
mews, "Because I'm an unimaginative bastard, I
went ahead and knocked it up. It's got
kittens, it's got captions, and it's utterly,
utterly pointless." Indeed, and good luck with
the Adsense earnings.
http://www.captionmykitten.com/
>> Inexplicable real world game <<
"Hi", bubbles European Chris, "I'm hosting a
game in London on December the 9th-might be of
interest to you guys. Basically it involves
running around London getting messages and
scaring the fuck out of strangers by saying
they have nice shoes." To be honest we can't
make head or tail of it, however, Wikipedia
tells us that one of the designers also worked
on the enormously popular and press-worthy I
Love Bees game, and we don't want to look
stupid by missing out on the Next. Big. Thing.
http://cruelgame.com/about/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Beautiful but Bonkers
We've been asking you to tell us mucky stories
about ex-partners who were as sexy as turnips
but completely mentalated.
It's steamy stuff, and frankly all of the
stories are way too long for our lovely
newsletter. Read them on the site. Bring your
own tissues.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bonkers/
>> Debt Pron <<
As a change of gear (well, Mike who normally
sets the questions is on a wanking holiday in
Wales), we're asking you about your debt
problems. Already it's clear, you lot need
some serious financial advice. Especially the
bloke who's now living in Spain having run up
£25k worth of debts in the UK. Anyone reading
who works on those Bank of Mummy or the Wife
shows? Book this bloke now, he needs an
intervention.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Richard Hammond's What Not to Drive <<
The diminutive motoring journalist gives his
views on the cars you really don't want to be
driving. Although, as one comment already
says, he would have been well-advised to
include '300mph rocket car' on that list...
http://snipurl.com/oh_richard
>> "Google compromised my national security!" <<
Over on The Register they've been running a
Google Earth competition to 'spot the black
helicopter'. The entries have flooded in, with
nice clear satellite photographs of a variety
of US air-bases, docks and military
facilities. How handy! (Yes it's old, but it's
gooood.)
http://snipurl.com/k5k0
>> Milli Vanilli-style shenanigans? <<
Fascinating blind story from a guy purporting
to be a show-biz lawyer. An unnamed female pop
star owes her entire success to the efforts of
a self-effacing session singer. Is it real or
just a wind-up - and who is the celebrity
involved?
http://snipurl.com/is_it_real
>> MSPaint porn <<
Sex-crazed web perverts go wild with
Microsoft's premium spack-handed free drawing
program. The results may well be NSFW
depending on the talent of the individual
concerned. They're certainly meant to be.
http://www.mspaintporn.net/index2.html
>> Diana: The Musical <<
Inspired by the tragical death of the Queen of
Our Hearts, two ardent fans decided the best
way to express their grief was in the form of
a Broadway biographical musical. And isn't it
just! Particularly recommend 'Charles, I need
help!"
http://www.jmrproductions.com/princess_diana/
>> Tit wank on Wikipedia <<
It's always a joyous thing when you look up
rude words in the dictionary or encyclopaedia
and find they're really there. The
accompanying illustration is merely the icing
on the cake (so to speak).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_wank
>> Camera geek-out <<
Here's an interesting thing: the photo-sharing
site Flickr has been trying to gather
information on the cameras people are using,
or at least make a good guess. They've made
graphs of the most popular. Not only is that
great for nosy nerds like us, but we can think
of worse ways to decide what camera to buy...
http://www.flickr.com/cameras/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Or just go to YouTube and search for 'tits'
>> Racist Kramer <<
It's been all over the news of course,
Seinfeld actor Michael Richards went
absolutely mental on stage, lambasting some
Afro-American hecklers. Here's the whole thing
captured on camera phone. It's not pleasant:
he should probably have stuck to the
slapstick.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Global lightswitch <<
Nice idea for a short film - bloke discovers
an enormous rope hanging from the sky. Can he
resist pulling it? Of course not.
http://www.paranoidprojects.com/popup.php
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Shit on our face, it would be more fun
* WORTH IT FOR THE TAGLINE - looks like a
toppy bear to us.
http://www.muskokalakesrealestate.com/
* "I was on holiday round Ireland earlier this
year, and came across this town..." (Thanks
paolobyram)
http://snipurl.com/ideal_for_lezzers
* "Vag Valves. And their mascot? A beaver!
Yes, a beaver!" (Cheers to lloydmorgan)
http://www.vag-valvecontrol.com/
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: FREEBEE COMPO TIME
Forget your 40k debt problem and win, Win, WIN!
>> Retro-gaming scarfs <<
Boarder Account88888 has been busy getting
elves to knit scarfs with Space Invader and
Scramble designs. We've got three to give away
if you can can think of a funny completing of
the following sentence, "I love 8-bit gaming
because..." You can also, of course, buy these
if you fancy it, and you should, for they are
ace.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/24/retro-scarf-co...
>> Rathergood toys <<
Last week we gave you the beyond exciting
opportunity to win some of Joel Veitch's soft
toys in exchange for you filling in the
tiebreaker, "If I was Joel Veitch for the day
I would..."
Winning answers included
* "Rape The Queen in her gaping anus" (Noctu)
* "Murder every cunt that had ever crossed me
in one glorious day of vengeance" (Ben)
* "I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock
blistered and my palms bled" (Ree)
* "Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just
the once" (Mong The Merciless Says)
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/15/rathergood-com...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the McCartney Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to 'shop Paul
McCartney. You didn't let us down.
Your favourites included:
* SAVE THE BEATLES - Fuck the seals,
here's a real endangered species.
(thiswasmyclone)
* GOLD-DIGGER - It's true. The old ones
really are the best. Especially when
they're animated. (Vulthoom)
* MICHELANGELO - The Creation Of Adam
gets that long-awaited makeover. (The
Great Architect)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macca/
>> New challenge: Extreme Panto <<
It's Pantomime season! So show us what
wildly inappropriate film/book etc. you'd
like to see 'panto'ed up' down at your
local theatre. Challenge suggested by
Hamster Trippin'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MAXIMUM SPAMMAGE - "So much for the 'Bland
Newsletter Title' last week," sighs
piercedmetalfreak. "My spam filter gave issue
256 'Jesus Christ's Cock up Virgin Mary's
Arse' a spam rating of 213.009, but issue 257
'Bland Newsletter Title' got a whopping
5203.853 rating of spaminess. Congratulations
B3ta, you managed to best my and my
colleague's day long attempt to find the
maximum spam rating by sending each other
increasingly filthy emails."
* NEWSLETTER 'MAGIC NUMBER' - geekcat
enquires, "Re: the number at the end of issue
253... is it the phone number of someone you
know? Perhaps they didn't appreciate getting a
prank call from the other side of the world."
It was Ginger Fuhrer Rob's childhood phone
number, in fact. Just one of many, many
Wolverhampton-based hidden messages secreted
in the texts of past newsletters. Can you find
them all?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MYTEACHERSMADEMESPUFF.CO.UK - "After the
link to RateMyTeacher in the last newsletter,
I was slightly taken aback to see that my
comments would be moderated. I really wanted
to pass comment on how hot some of my teachers
were." (Rotating Wobbly Hat)
* CHRIS TARANT SWEARDUKO - "The current Tarant
advert for the brain improver game where he is
in the Taxi reciting four obscure words
repeatedly. Change the obscure words to Fuck,
Tart, Loose, Wife. Please see to it" (tim.muuk)
* BRIAN BLESSED READS SICK JOKES - we reckon
than an audio book CD thing with Brian
shouting out jokes like, "What's got one ball
and fucks prostitutes? Peter Sutcliffe's
hammer! would be a smash." The publisher
hasn't replied to our emails, even the one
going, "Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it." Can you ask them
for us?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Tony Howat, Guy Hellier and ged
Top Tippery by posh financial chappy.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Badgers to B4ta. (05121973)
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TOP TIP:
We asked a posh financial person about what to
do about all the debtors on our boards, as
frankly we're worried about you. He said,
"tell them to go see a non-profit debt
counsellor." This is sound advice, take it.