NEWSLETTER: "HEIL HONEY, I'M HOME"
This Week:
* HIPPOS - More hippos that you could ever want
* VOTE - Bill Gates for President?
* RANT - Why keyboards are shite
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 256 - 1 Dec 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue256/
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We're running 'naked ad week' this week, all
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hippos, Climate Change, Keyboards
>> Loads and loads and loads of hippos <<
This week the B3ta boarders have been getting
obsessed with hippos and this is a joyous
thread indeed. Woo for hippos and woo for the
people who photomash them up.
http://b3ta.com/board/6575932
>> Global warning <<
Inspired, he insists, by the eerie sight of a
wasp in November, Pesky Young Scamp knocked up
a terrifying, but musical, climate change
warning. Like the peculiar polar bear ending.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rob hates keyboards <<
B3ta's ginger fuhrer heatedly rants about What
is Wrong With Keyboards Nowadays in the hope
that "somehow my message will reach the Gods
Who Create Keyboards and they'll design a
special keyboard, just for me. And then I can
die, happy." In the interests of clarity, we
should point out he also hates keyboards with
white keys, as they show the marks from his
mucky, street-urchin fingers.
http://snipurl.com/top10_keybs_are_shit
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Debt Pron
We wanted to know just how stupidly in debt
you all were. Very stupidly, it seems:
http://b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/
In amongst the sea of huge debts run up simply
trying to eat, this stands out as a gem of
reckless spending:
"When drunk a few years ago, I ordered 500
quid's worth of toilet paper. Yep, toilet
paper. On a CapitalOne card. I had fun playing
with it when it arrived, building forts and
suchlike, but I only crap as much as the next
bloke. It wasn't long before I realised what a
complete fool I had been. Most of it was
skipped a few weeks later. A mate of mine
swears he didn't put the idea into my head
when I was wankered, but I don't believe him.
My parents (bless them), have recently given
me £1k to help out with my financial problems.
Maybe on his deathbed I'll tell my father
where £500 of that actually went." (Slagmaster)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd want your body modifications that went
wrong. Did you stick something through your
dangly bits and regret it? It's not always
alluring: ThatBlokeThere has already posted,
"there's that many bits of metal in there that
it often sounds like some fucker is playing
the spoons in his pants." Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/
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: BOLLOCKS TO THE 'WAR ON TERROR'
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bill Gates for president? <<
Blokey who draws the Dilbert cartoon wants
Bill Gates for the next US President. Firstly
we thought no to the Kermit-faced geek, as
windows is gay and rubbish, but on sober
reflection he might have a point. Gates is
financially shrewd, does tons of work for
starving, poor black people in Africa and
helps with the AIDS. Frankly he's a new Diana
for our times. And he's less likely to be as
warmongering as the current bible-bashing
retard that occupies the White House today.
Bring it on.
http://snipurl.com/wedvoteforhim
>> Best Amazon list ever? <<
Last week your Ginger Fuhrer realised that he
had a shelf in the front room that wasn't
being utilised effectively as he couldn't
reach it. Solution? Buy a step-ladder. In the
process of doing some research into the
exciting world of personal elevation, he found
this rather curious list on Amazon entitled
"My fave ladders!", including such gems as,
The 3 Step by Hailo, "I love this one, it was
here on the highest step that my wife first
performed an act of oral love upon me" and
Aluminium Combi Ladders, "It's cool metal
against my buttocks is almost orgasmic."
Brilliantly odd.
http://snipurl.com/best_amazon_list
>> 13 things that don't make sense <<
If we were writing this article we'd include *
Why do men have nipples? * Why hasn't someone
invented pants for cats so you don't have to
look at their anus? * Why don't northerners
feel the cold? However, the New Scientist
wrote it instead, and filled it with rather
interesting stuff about the the placebo effect.
http://space.newscientist.com/article.ns
>> Bid on Syd Barrett <<
Syd Barrett, acid-casualty singer of Pink
Floyd, recently died and his estate went up
for auction. We regret not bidding on this
rather beautiful landscape which went for a
song at £6k. Surely under-priced as it would
be the perfect talking point for any
pop-star's fuck-pit. But ignoring the money
aspect, it's a lovely bit of work, and we're
very happy that Syd continued being creative
even after going bonkers. We hope his art
brought him some inner-peace. Yay for Syd.
http://snipurl.com/syd_we_love_you
>> Rob's povvo corner <<
Another tip from your Fuhrer who mentions, "I
need to buy some boozes as I'm having party
(happy birthday to me) and Tesco.com was
spacking out. Hence I shopped at Ocado. Just
before I was about to pay I noticed a thing
saying, "put your money off voucher here". So
I googled 'ocado voucher' and found this site.
So I got £10 off my drink order. Lots of other
deals on the site. Great stuff." You heard
him, remember a penny saved is two in the
bush. Sort of.
http://www.hotukdeals.com/main
>> "My sister is a porn star" <<
Amusing thread featuring blokey meeting his
half-sister for the first time and recognising
her from films such as "Cum Sucking Whore
Named Kacey" and the classic, "White Chicks
Gettin' Black Balled 8". Movies he'd
masturbated to on many a happy occasion. Jerry
Springer should be booking this family now.
http://snipurl.com/ha_ha_ha_ha
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
YouTube, have you heard of it? It's a new site...
>> Heil Honey, I'm home! <<
The stuff of TV legend is finally available to
view in its entirety on YouTube. One of the
best concepts for a show we've ever seen,
shame about the script. Larry David, if you're
reading, buy the format rights and turn it
into the truly hilarious comedy it deserves to
be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 1920s cock cartoon <<
"Oi!", blurts Mozza, "I've found a 'what
cartoon studios get up to when no one is
looking' shorts, apparently from 1924 and made
by one of the more reputable cartoon studios
(Disney/Fleischer)." We like it because the
main character shoots his own penis with a
gun. Clever.
http://www.guba.com/watch/2000904493
>> Monty mole Vs Live hamster <<
Some clever monkey has rebuilt the screens
from the 80s computer game Monty Mole and
filmed his pet as the lead character.
Charming, genius even. This will be ripped off
for an ad, mark our words. But who for?
Rent-a-kill?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
* HELL.COM is for sale. We care because the
current owner is a Los Angeles software
engineer, Jim Bumgardner. What a great name.
Can we buy that instead?
http://snipurl.com/jim_bumgardiner
* OLAV DE KOCK - Jimvin writes, "Sounds like a
Cockney homosexual. Michael Barrymore perhaps?"
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/0/88b/a9b
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extreme Panto Challenge
Last week we asked you to show us what wildly
inappropriate films and books you'd like to
see 'panto'ed up' down at your local theatre.
Your favourites included:
* ESCHER - It's behind you! Oh no it's not!
This panto will fuck with your head (Centaur)
* SEVEN - Snow White puts the fear of God into
Brad Pitt (1.618...)
* MEIN KAMPF - Without a doubt, it's the role
Joe Pasquale was born to play (londoner)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/
>> New challenge: Selling Celibacy <<
Our youth are in danger: STDs are everywhere,
and unwanted pregnancies are on the rise. So
how do we sell celibacy to teenagers? Show us,
via the magic of image manipulation.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celibacy/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* RUDE OLD WIKIPEDIA - in the wake of our
mentioning the encyclopaedia's kind of
gratuitous entry on 'tit wank', we're indebted
to embecla2003 for pointing us to the linked
article on 'pearl necklace'. Nuff respect to
the enterprising nerds who provided the
accompanying... educational picture.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_necklace_%28sex...
* RECORD STORE CATS AD - "Hello," beams
c_kick. "I wanted to show you the TV
Commercial those Jamba chaps made for me. It's
Swedish, which adds extra points to the hummus
factor..." Nice one! Well done, mate.
http://blog.hnldesign.nl/record-store-cats-tv-comm...
* BRIAN BLESSED reads the B3ta Sick Joke book
- or at least maybe. "I might be able to help
on this front, he is my cousin," says
Foxtrotlima. "I will get back to you in a
couple of days, as he is out of the country
atm. And he has a very sick sense of humour
and would probably find this rather amusing."
* TONY BLAIR JUGGLING PETITION - Manic's bid
to have the PM stand on his head and juggle
ice-cream has borne some fruit. To recap, the
UK government is now letting members of the
public set up petitions on its website. So
far, 1,408 people have signed their support
for Manic. Hehe.
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/
* WEEBL'S EBAY AUCTION has finished, raising
an amazing £1,750 for Oxfam. "According to the
Oxfam figures (in the e-bay listing), the
winning bid will pay for the building of a
classroom, and 20 textbooks, or they could buy
an entire mango plantation. Thanks to all who
bidded," writes skoo. They'll be starting on
the cartoon as soon as they get the relevant
details.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/news/614/auction-updat...
* CYRIAK ON BBC NEWS - Brighton-based animator
an all-round B3ta superstar Cyriak has made it
onto BBC local news. "I'm crap at interviews,"
he harrumphs modestly, "and yes my mouse could
do with a clean." Still, not bad going to be
on the news with a big picture of your face
under the headline 'Monster Hit'. Well done!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FRIDAY GAME
Human Cannonball game
Can you fire the little man onto the safe
trampoline without killing him? So good, we
didn't even notice that it's a promo for some
mints until the official B3ta wife pointed it
out. Gah, fuck it. Who cares, as long as it's
fun.
http://www.altoids.com/play.do
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BRITISH TEETH VS AMERICAN TEETH - a
community photo quiz thingie. Upload your
fangs and guess on the 'gnashernality' of
others' filthy stumps. Would be more popular
than that photo of Britney Spears with her
flaps out.
* KINETIC KEYBOARD - wireless keyboards are
shit as you have to keep changing batteries.
However, all that pressing of keys is kinetic
energy. Hence could be used to charge a
battery. This is where we get stuck. Can some
physics geniuses write a page (with diagrams)
on whether this is feasible? Or would you have
to play a quick game of Daley Thompson's
Decathlon to power it up?
* A DYSON KEYBOARD HOOVER - that works for
more than four minutes. For fuck's sake, what
use is that?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob 'Hunk Hogan'
Manuel with David 'Want that one' Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by monkey12, jewishbagel,
homosexualpuffbrian, retardsaregay and blicks.
Top Tippery by the magic of the interwebs. You
should get one, you know. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser 'Lesbian' Lewry.
Mike 'Billy' Trinder does the QOTW, which we
thank him for using our flippers. Happy
Birthday to Rob, Happy Birthday to Rob, Happy
Birthy Ginger Fuhrer, Sieg Heil Dear Rob.
ACHTUNG! Oi, B4ta! Where's my presents! (Big
number that's not an old phone number, err,
thirty three, actually.)
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TOP TIP:
"Forget having to google for tips every Friday
afternoon. Open a QOTW on B3ta and get
internet monkeys to find them for you."
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
