NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 16 WANKING DAYS LEFT TO JIZZMAS"
This Week:
* AUTO SLASH FICTION - for your wanking pleasure
* VEITCH - Does his anim thing for baby charity
* GOATSE - Microsoft goatsed. Yay
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 257 - 8 Dec 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue257/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Create your own mini-movie and win a car
Aliens vs. musical gangsters. Shark vs.
runaway train. Kung-fu master vs. zombie.
Create these and many more unique mini-movies
at Mazda's new site - then upload your own
12-second thriller for a chance to win the all
new Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupe.
http://snipurl.com/_12secondthriller
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
A load of awesome stuff that you'll love
>> Frank's Slash Fiction Generator <<
Just so we're on the same page here, slash
fiction is basically short stories depicting
graphic sex between famous or fictional
characters. Gilgamesh has helpfully automated
this process, with a randomly-selected
gruesome celebrity duo. NSFW, like Barry
Chuckle giving Stephen Hawking oral pleasure
ever could be. "If you all hit the site at
once," warns Gilga, "then it'll probably slow
down and fall over." Tough shit.
http://kineticnorth.com/slashmeup/
>> Tommy's 12 Days Of Christmas <<
Huzzah and indeed hurray for the beaming face
of Joel Veitch. "I've made this charity song
and video for Tommy's baby charity," he cries.
"The important bit, though, is that we got
loads of celebs to agree to be in it,
including The Hoff!" Even better, the trumpet
player in the vid is Ollie Gervais, Ricky
Gervais's cat. Perhaps even better than that
is that if you buy the mp3 it counts for the
downloads chart, potentially propelling Joel
to a Christmas number one. Bliney!
http://www.rathergood.com/tommys/
>> Afrofly! game <<
Navigate the hirsute and increasingly girthy
insect to eat all the pies. But can you make
it back out again without touching the sides
when you're bloated to maximum proportions.
The reggae-style backing is rather jaunty too.
Cheers, giftedweasel!
http://www.experimentalgameplay.com/cm/g/118/AfroF...
>> Your song. On a CD <<
"I'm ridiculously overdrawn," moans
songsforeveryone. "I'm also incredibly
frustrated by my lack of musical ability. Here
is my attempt at marrying the two in some
slightly desperate-sounding halfway house."
And it could be yours to keep - in time for
Christmas.
http://snipurl.com/winitforasong
>> Tasty Crispy Silkworms <<
We've already mentioned Last Night a DJ's
Foodtube blog, where he tries out the more
exotic end of Chinese cuisine. But this week
he has gone the extra mile, tucking into a
plate of moth larvae in one of Beijing's
posher eateries. We fear for his health;
please someone, send him some good, honest
scotch eggs and Ginster's pasties.
http://foodtube.livejournal.com/2390.html
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Body Modification
We wanted to know how much metal you have had
rammed through yourselves:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/
Here are three stories that don't involve rings
stuck through penises:
* SPONTANEOUS ORGASM
"My first brush with
piercing was at Uni with a "rock-chick" called
Jo. She said that she had just had her "hood"
pierced and that once that had healed, she was
going to have her clit done, "but I'll have to
wait for 6 weeks..." Cut to the following
semester. Jo is about 4 rows diagonally down
from me in a history lecture and people around
her start looking at her and whispering at
each other. Then the rest of the theatre start
to hear her panting, then banging the desk,
louder, and louder and faster and faster until
she started screaming and spasming with a wall
shaking orgasm. After a stunned silence we
gave the rapidly-running-out-the-theatre Jo a
standing ovation." (Catchag)
* THE CHICKEN KING "You know in 'The Scorpion
King' where The Rock is stabbed with a spear
impregnated with scorpion venom and thereafter
carries the blood of the scorpion within him?
Well, I was cracking chicken bones to make a
stock last week and a splinter of bone shot
into my thumb. It went septic before I could
pull it out with tweezers and now I am
destined to always carry the blood of the
chicken within me. Not a piercing, but who
else out there is a Chicken King, eh? Who
else?" (frankspencer)
* ONE TIME, AT BAND CAMP
"I wear five earrings in my right ear. Once
during an orchestra concert I had 50-odd bars
rest (a couple of minutes worth) and, being
tired from lots of blowing, held my flute
upright on my lap and leaned my weary head
against it. Earrings and flute keys mingled.
Try to move. Oh dear. Have to play solo line
in x seconds and flute is stuck to ear. Shit,
ouch, bastard thing. I did manage to yank it
free in time, but at the price of a painful
bleeding earlobe and wobbly G and G# keys."
(Silverfin)
And a big hello to The Togaboy who showed us a
photo of his big dodgy toe, supposedly altered
to look more 'normal':
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/post673...
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories of school trips. Have
you almost caused a motorway pile up by
wiggling your bare bum out the window? Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schooltrips/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Photoshopper or Serial Killer? <<
Ever looked at a flower and thought it looks a
bit like a vagina? Orchids are the main
offenders. Check these photoshops produced by
some mentalist who should probably hang out
with some real women sometime.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/
>> Peculiar comments spam <<
This is a fairly dull news story about a
pigeon cull, livened up by the great comments
people have added to it, which get ever more
bizarre as time goes on. The saga of Mrs
Dallinger and the blue pills being one of the
highlights.
http://snipurl.com/pigeons
>> "I goatsed Microsoft" <<
Regular readers will know all about goatse,
the photo of a chap's distended anus, ripped
asunder in the interests of trolling
messageboards. We doff our collective arse
to the man who managed to goatse the Microsoft
website. We hope Bill gates is in a meeting
right now, blanching at this particular bit of
web-tom-foolery.
http://snipurl.com/billgoatse
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Buy Xmas presents via Oxfam
Despite appearances to the contrary this
charming short video features an alpaca, and
not a llama. The idea is that you'll watch it
and be so utterly charmed you'll visit the
Oxfam website and buy all your Christmas
presents via them, and thereby donate to
charity without really trying. Rock on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: OBIT
Wiz from Mega City Four
"I'm not sure if this is suitable newsletter
fare, but as you may have heard already, Wiz
from Mega City Four sadly passed away
yesterday. I've been running a Mega City Four
fan site for years and Martin Gilks' brother
contacted me to help put up a condolences page
in a similar way to the one that was put in
place when Martin died." We are extremely
saddened to hear this news, and our thoughts
are with his friends and family as we type.
http://www.megacityfour.co.uk
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> If chat rooms were real? <<
Fantastic short film detailing what it would
be like if web forums existed in the real
world. Featuring creepy pedophiles and a
fantastic pay-off that's worth watching the
whole ten minutes for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Disney's Story of Menstruation <<
Frankly the fact that this film exists is
enough to make it interesting. Sadly not
containing the seven dwarfs of the curse,
Blobby, Grouchy, Bloaty, Weepy, Bleedy,
Nottonightdarlingy & Iwantchocolatey, but
entertainingly odd nonetheless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Electronic Mule <<
If we had a gazillion quid, we'd pour all our
cash into making robots that walk like horses,
pigs and ferrets. Looks like these guys got
there first. Cunts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Selling Celibacy Challenge
Last week we wanted to know how you'd sell
chastity to the nation's youth. You did
just that.
Your favourites included:
* DUREX - If only all smallprint were
this accurate (The Great Architect)
* KITTEN - Nice use of tragic yet
fluffy image to quell libido. Family
Planning people, take note
(bilbobarneybobs)
* CHILDREN - The stark reality of
parenthood driven home in this bleak
yet eloquent essay (Smallbrainfield)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xxx/
>> New challenge: Global Warming <<
The ice-caps are melting, the ozone is
screwed, and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
This is what top scientists would have
you believe, but what are the positive
aspects of climate change? It can't be
all bad, surely?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/global_warming/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
The challenge works like this: you
suggest an idea. Everyone else votes on
the idea. The best ideas are selected,
and the challenges set. Except that
it doesn't quite work like that, now
does it? Sometimes you don't suggest
challenges. So the b3ta boffins sit down
at one of their mysterious monthly
meetings and come up with ideas which
are used instead. But you don't like
that, do you? You moan and you curse
and you fret. So go on. Suggest a
challenge. And encourage others to vote.
Easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: WIN BOOTY WITH B3TA
Trample the weak, it's your chance to win
>> War on Terror competition <<
Just a week after we pimped it up in the
newsletter, here's a competition to win a copy
of War on Terror - the Board Game. Why, you
say? Because it's fantastic, because the guys
who made it are our mates and because they
gave us three copies to give away. To recap,
it's a bit like Risk but reworked with
terrorists and oil and it comes with an
excellent rapist balaclava. You can win in on
the action by completing the following phrase
in 15 words or less: "George Bush is a..." If
you can't be arsed to do that, why not buy one
instead?
http://snipurl.com/waronterrorcompo
>> 8-bit scarves compo <<
A couple of weeks ago we went wild for the
retro-game style scarves of Account88888 and
offered you lucky readers the chance to win
one. All you had to do was complete the phrase
"I love 8-bit gaming because..."
The winners:
* ...I've never been called a n00b playing
missile command… (soscynicalsohip)
* 10 REM SCARF COMPETITION HACK FOR INFINATE
WARMTH 20 POKE 0121,666 30 SYS 2059 RUN
(monkeon)
* I love 8-bit gaming because that's where I
learned that men love a girl who’s a computer
nerd… but not one who can beat them every
time. So a scarf would keep me warm on all
those victorious yet lonely nights. (onlythegirl)
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/24/retro-scarf-co...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THRESHERS EXPOSE - if you're one of the 56
million people in the UK who got the 40%
voucher then Necromentality has the scoop, "I
work for an off licence that's name starts
with Thr and ends in eshers. Apparently it's
for staff and their families and got
'accidentally' leaked through e-mails. That's
a load of bollocks, we got sent 3 times as
much stock as usual and basically it's a
publicity stunt, and making us a bundle."
There you go, consumer news. Aren't we fab?
* WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES - Guy Leonard
informs, "An amusing read. If you don't it's
[here comes the science bit] because women
have nipples. As all foetuses are inherently
female it is a secondary characteristic. Women
have clitori for the same reason - i.e. men
need to orgasm for sex; there is no
evolutionary necessity for women to do the
same! ;) Though some would disagree. Which I
couldn't find a link to on the web but have
put up my scanned copy here." Cheers for that,
we feel suitably knowledgeable about boy-ducts
now. Yay.
http://snipurl.com/welovenips
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SPECIAL BREW VIDEO MASH - we're loving the
current Irn Bru ad that takes Raymond Briggs'
The Snowman and re-purposes it to sell
Scottish orange gunk. Why don't you re-sing
the ad with Special Brew? And motion track a
tin can over it? It would be aces, we're
telling you, utterly aces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* GOOGLE EARTH TORNADO SIMULATOR - a lovely
little mash up where you can remover your
neighbours' roof using the awesome power of
your mouse.
* MOTTO-LOTTO - we notice Alex Tew of
MillionDollarHomepage has a new site out based
upon a lotto idea. We thought we'd mention our
one which never got round to making. Basically
we wanted people to think up proper nouns (say
Birmingham) and slogans, (ooh, maybe, "it's
not shit") and users vote on the best slogan.
Half the adsense profits go into a week prize
for the highest voted motto. Good eh?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Extra proofing l33t skillz by
Alex Morris. Stuff sent in by Your mum, Disney
Corp, Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her magic muff
of destiny, Barry White, Scooby Doo and
Hilter. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nuff respec to
b4ta homeys. (5)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Want to skip Jury Duty? Under Ethnic Origin on
the form sign it as "I'm not a nig nog".
