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This Week:
* AUTO SLASH FICTION - for your wanking pleasure
* VEITCH - Does his anim thing for baby charity
* GOATSE - Microsoft goatsed. Yay

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 257 - 8 Dec 2006

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  Create your own mini-movie and win a car
  Aliens vs. musical gangsters. Shark vs.
  runaway train. Kung-fu master vs. zombie.
  Create these and many more unique mini-movies
  at Mazda's new site - then upload your own
  12-second thriller for a chance to win the all
  new Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupe.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  A load of awesome stuff that you'll love

  >> Frank's Slash Fiction Generator <<
  Just so we're on the same page here, slash
  fiction is basically short stories depicting
  graphic sex between famous or fictional
  characters. Gilgamesh has helpfully automated
  this process, with a randomly-selected
  gruesome celebrity duo. NSFW, like Barry
  Chuckle giving Stephen Hawking oral pleasure
  ever could be. "If you all hit the site at
  once," warns Gilga, "then it'll probably slow
  down and fall over." Tough shit.

  >> Tommy's 12 Days Of Christmas <<
  Huzzah and indeed hurray for the beaming face
  of Joel Veitch. "I've made this charity song
  and video for Tommy's baby charity," he cries.
  "The important bit, though, is that we got
  loads of celebs to agree to be in it,
  including The Hoff!" Even better, the trumpet
  player in the vid is Ollie Gervais, Ricky
  Gervais's cat. Perhaps even better than that
  is that if you buy the mp3 it counts for the
  downloads chart, potentially propelling Joel
  to a Christmas number one. Bliney!

  >> Afrofly! game <<
  Navigate the hirsute and increasingly girthy
  insect to eat all the pies. But can you make
  it back out again without touching the sides
  when you're bloated to maximum proportions.
  The reggae-style backing is rather jaunty too.
  Cheers, giftedweasel!

  >> Your song. On a CD <<
  "I'm ridiculously overdrawn," moans
  songsforeveryone. "I'm also incredibly
  frustrated by my lack of musical ability. Here
  is my attempt at marrying the two in some
  slightly desperate-sounding halfway house."
  And it could be yours to keep - in time for

  >> Tasty Crispy Silkworms <<
  We've already mentioned Last Night a DJ's
  Foodtube blog, where he tries out the more
  exotic end of Chinese cuisine. But this week
  he has gone the extra mile, tucking into a
  plate of moth larvae in one of Beijing's
  posher eateries. We fear for his health;
  please someone, send him some good, honest
  scotch eggs and Ginster's pasties.


  Body Modification

  We wanted to know how much metal you have had
  rammed through yourselves:

  Here are three stories that don't involve rings
  stuck through penises:

  "My first brush with
  piercing was at Uni with a "rock-chick" called
  Jo. She said that she had just had her "hood"
  pierced and that once that had healed, she was
  going to have her clit done, "but I'll have to
  wait for 6 weeks..." Cut to the following
  semester. Jo is about 4 rows diagonally down
  from me in a history lecture and people around
  her start looking at her and whispering at
  each other. Then the rest of the theatre start
  to hear her panting, then banging the desk,
  louder, and louder and faster and faster until
  she started screaming and spasming with a wall
  shaking orgasm. After a stunned silence we
  gave the rapidly-running-out-the-theatre Jo a
  standing ovation." (Catchag)
  * THE CHICKEN KING "You know in 'The Scorpion
  King' where The Rock is stabbed with a spear
  impregnated with scorpion venom and thereafter
  carries the blood of the scorpion within him?
  Well, I was cracking chicken bones to make a
  stock last week and a splinter of bone shot
  into my thumb. It went septic before I could
  pull it out with tweezers and now I am
  destined to always carry the blood of the
  chicken within me. Not a piercing, but who
  else out there is a Chicken King, eh? Who
  else?" (frankspencer)
  "I wear five earrings in my right ear. Once
  during an orchestra concert I had 50-odd bars
  rest (a couple of minutes worth) and, being
  tired from lots of blowing, held my flute
  upright on my lap and leaned my weary head
  against it. Earrings and flute keys mingled.
  Try to move. Oh dear. Have to play solo line
  in x seconds and flute is stuck to ear. Shit,
  ouch, bastard thing. I did manage to yank it
  free in time, but at the price of a painful
  bleeding earlobe and wobbly G and G# keys."

  And a big hello to The Togaboy who showed us a
  photo of his big dodgy toe, supposedly altered
  to look more 'normal':

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stories of school trips. Have
  you almost caused a motorway pile up by
  wiggling your bare bum out the window? Talk to
  us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Photoshopper or Serial Killer? <<
  Ever looked at a flower and thought it looks a
  bit like a vagina? Orchids are the main
  offenders. Check these photoshops produced by
  some mentalist who should probably hang out
  with some real women sometime.

  >> Peculiar comments spam <<
  This is a fairly dull news story about a
  pigeon cull, livened up by the great comments
  people have added to it, which get ever more
  bizarre as time goes on. The saga of Mrs
  Dallinger and the blue pills being one of the

  >> "I goatsed Microsoft" <<
  Regular readers will know all about goatse,
  the photo of a chap's distended anus, ripped
  asunder in the interests of trolling
  messageboards. We doff our collective arse
  to the man who managed to goatse the Microsoft
  website. We hope Bill gates is in a meeting
  right now, blanching at this particular bit of


  Buy Xmas presents via Oxfam

  Despite appearances to the contrary this
  charming short video features an alpaca, and
  not a llama. The idea is that you'll watch it
  and be so utterly charmed you'll visit the
  Oxfam website and buy all your Christmas
  presents via them, and thereby donate to
  charity without really trying. Rock on.


  Wiz from Mega City Four

  "I'm not sure if this is suitable newsletter
  fare, but as you may have heard already, Wiz
  from Mega City Four sadly passed away
  yesterday. I've been running a Mega City Four
  fan site for years and Martin Gilks' brother 
  contacted me to help put up a condolences page
  in a similar way to the one that was put in
  place when Martin died." We are extremely
  saddened to hear this news, and our thoughts
  are with his friends and family as we type.



  >> If chat rooms were real? <<
  Fantastic short film detailing what it would
  be like if web forums existed in the real
  world. Featuring creepy pedophiles and a
  fantastic pay-off that's worth watching the
  whole ten minutes for.

  >> Disney's Story of Menstruation <<
  Frankly the fact that this film exists is
  enough to make it interesting. Sadly not
  containing the seven dwarfs of the curse,
  Blobby, Grouchy, Bloaty, Weepy, Bleedy,
  Nottonightdarlingy & Iwantchocolatey, but
  entertainingly odd nonetheless. 

  >> Electronic Mule <<
  If we had a gazillion quid, we'd pour all our
  cash into making robots that walk like horses,
  pigs and ferrets. Looks like these guys got
  there first. Cunts.



Results from the Selling Celibacy Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know how you'd sell
  chastity to the nation's youth. You did 
  just that.

  Your favourites included:
  * DUREX - If only all smallprint were 
    this accurate (The Great Architect)

  * KITTEN - Nice use of tragic yet 
    fluffy image to quell libido. Family 
    Planning people, take note 

  * CHILDREN - The stark reality of 
    parenthood driven home in this bleak 
    yet eloquent essay (Smallbrainfield)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Global Warming <<
  The ice-caps are melting, the ozone is 
  screwed, and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! 
  This is what top scientists would have 
  you believe, but what are the positive 
  aspects of climate change? It can't be 
  all bad, surely?  

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  The challenge works like this: you 
  suggest an idea. Everyone else votes on 
  the idea. The best ideas are selected, 
  and the challenges set. Except that 
  it doesn't quite work like that, now 
  does it? Sometimes you don't suggest
  challenges. So the b3ta boffins sit down
  at one of their mysterious monthly 
  meetings and come up with ideas which 
  are used instead. But you don't like 
  that, do you? You moan and you curse 
  and you fret. So go on. Suggest a 
  challenge. And encourage others to vote.


  Trample the weak, it's your chance to win

  >> War on Terror competition <<
  Just a week after we pimped it up in the
  newsletter, here's a competition to win a copy
  of War on Terror - the Board Game. Why, you
  say? Because it's fantastic, because the guys
  who made it are our mates and because they
  gave us three copies to give away. To recap,
  it's a bit like Risk but reworked with
  terrorists and oil and it comes with an
  excellent rapist balaclava. You can win in on
  the action by completing the following phrase
  in 15 words or less: "George Bush is a..." If
  you can't be arsed to do that, why not buy one

  >> 8-bit scarves compo <<
  A couple of weeks ago we went wild for the
  retro-game style scarves of Account88888 and
  offered you lucky readers the chance to win
  one. All you had to do was complete the phrase
  "I love 8-bit gaming because..." 
  The winners:
  * ...I've never been called a n00b playing
  missile command… (soscynicalsohip)
  WARMTH 20 POKE 0121,666 30 SYS 2059 RUN

  * I love 8-bit gaming because that's where I
  learned that men love a girl who’s a computer
  nerd… but not one who can beat them every
  time. So a scarf would keep me warm on all
  those victorious yet lonely nights. (onlythegirl)


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THRESHERS EXPOSE - if you're one of the 56
  million people in the UK who got the 40%
  voucher then Necromentality has the scoop, "I
  work for an off licence that's name starts
  with Thr and ends in eshers. Apparently it's
  for staff and their families and got
  'accidentally' leaked through e-mails. That's
  a load of bollocks, we got sent 3 times as
  much stock as usual and basically it's a
  publicity stunt, and making us a bundle."
  There you go, consumer news. Aren't we fab?

  informs, "An amusing read. If you don't it's
  [here comes the science bit] because women
  have nipples. As all foetuses are inherently
  female it is a secondary characteristic. Women
  have clitori for the same reason - i.e. men
  need to orgasm for sex; there is no
  evolutionary necessity for women to do the
  same! ;) Though some would disagree. Which I
  couldn't find a link to on the web but have
  put up my scanned copy here." Cheers for that,
  we feel suitably knowledgeable about boy-ducts
  now. Yay. 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SPECIAL BREW VIDEO MASH - we're loving the
  current Irn Bru ad that takes Raymond Briggs'
  The Snowman and re-purposes it to sell
  Scottish orange gunk. Why don't you re-sing
  the ad with Special Brew? And motion track a
  tin can over it? It would be aces, we're
  telling you, utterly aces.

  little mash up where you can remover your
  neighbours' roof using the awesome power of
  your mouse.

  * MOTTO-LOTTO - we notice Alex Tew of
  MillionDollarHomepage has a new site out based
  upon a lotto idea. We thought we'd mention our
  one which never got round to making. Basically
  we wanted people to think up proper nouns (say
  Birmingham) and slogans, (ooh, maybe, "it's
  not shit") and users vote on the best slogan.
  Half the adsense profits go into a week prize
  for the highest voted motto. Good eh?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Extra proofing l33t skillz by
  Alex Morris. Stuff sent in by Your mum, Disney
  Corp, Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her magic muff
  of destiny, Barry White, Scooby Doo and
  Hilter. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nuff respec to
  b4ta homeys. (5)

  Want to skip Jury Duty? Under Ethnic Origin on
  the form sign it as "I'm not a nig nog".

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