NEWSLETTER: "RED NOSE DAY - ILLEGAL??""
This Week:
* VIDEO - Postman Pat, drug dealer
* INVESTIGATION - Clothes tags
* QUESTION - Picky eaters (worth a read)
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 267 - 9 Mar 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
Happy toast makes a mascot
Here is a challenge you might like. Build our
little mascot from a sheet of A4 paper and get
him pictured in unusual places. Get him on TV
and we will give you free stuff. Model
created by b3ta's very own HappyToast and
brought to you by the people at LiveEcon - the
interactive economics software for students.
http://www.mysam.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Go on, buy an ad. You know you want to.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense and bollocks
>> Inky tag investigation <<
Before the web went all 2.0 mental, and before
kids scrawled their names on buses, tagging
meant the bits of round plastic that shops
stuck on their clothes to stop pikeys teefing
them. Mr Ports reports, "I recently had to
remove an ink tag from a new jacket I bought
because the till monkey forgot to take it off.
Then I ripped it apart to see how it works."
Surprisingly interesting stuff, if you're a
little geeky. Or are thinking of shoplifting.
http://snipurl.com/stinky_inky
>> Drunk squirrel <<
"I've made a hopefully vaguely entertaining
vid," whimpers Rusty Shackleford, "It contains
cuteness, drunkenness and swearing - basically
a dubbed version that drunk squirrel video
that's currently doing the rounds."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drunk_Squirrel_dubbed
>> Red nose day - illegal? <<
Long term political nuisance Manic is
attempting to spoil everyone's enjoyment of Red
Nose Day by pointing out that by taking part
you can get arrested. He might have a point,
but our main complaint with Comic Relief is
that it's not very entertaining.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/red_nose_day/
>> End of the world animation <<
The other night we watched the mid 80s New
Zealand film, The Quiet Earth, a minor classic
in the post apocalyptic dystopia genre. We
wonder if Mr Edd has been enjoying the same
fiction as us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_World_of_Edd
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Picky Eaters
What won't you eat? Why not? It's a wonder
some of these people can function. Have
they never gone hungry?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pickyeaters/
* HARDCORE PRAWN
"I get really wound up sharing food and
eating complicated food in public; I'm an
only child; the word share isn't in my
vocabulary. So imagine my delight when a boy
asked me out for dinner. A date! That never
happens! Oooh, yes please, I'd love to. We
went for tapas. "It's okay, I'll get over
the sharing thing," I thought, "I'll just
order extra. Problem solved." And I did, it
was fine, I coped admirably. One of the
dishes was those big shell-on prawns. I
panicked. I picked up a prawn and attempted
to simultaneously work out to get into the
little fucker and look coy and girly and
coquettish (I'm aware, by the way, that
there is nothing remotely sexy about trying
to peel a prawn, but I was a bit piddly and
let's just add it to the long list of
reasons that I'm still single, okay?). I
finally managed to snap its head off and was
duly sprayed in the face with the green
sludge that had been its last prawny meal.
"That's the first time I've been the
recipient of a prawn money shot," were the
next words out of my mouth. My date looked
at me, horrified. The couple on the next
table choked on their patatas bravas. I
called for the bill. I've never been near
the business end of a prawn since." (Rakky)
* I CAN EAT A RAINBOW
"My mum's last next door neighbour wouldn't
eat food that had visibly come out of the
ground, so despite living in a rural farming
community she drove 20 miles to Tesco to buy
her veg washed, peeled and cut up for about
a 500% mark up and a loss of flavour and
nutritional value. She was mental tho, and
had to colour sort sweets, then eat them in
a specific order. At a pantomime last year,
I took a green wine gum and pretended to eat
it, then when I was offered one again a
little later, I put back the green wine gum.
She had eaten all the greens, and was now a
colour or two down the list, and this errant
wine gum caused enough upset for her to miss
the second half. I'm glad my mum doesn't
live next door to her anymore." (kaptinkurtz)
* CHOOSE TEA
"What's up with people who don't like tea? I
don't understand it. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
CUPS OF TEA, I can't wake up properly and
leave the house in the morning without a cup
of tea, my bowels don't work before the
first cup of tea, I would be dangerous
without my tea. I have at least 2 cups of
coffee at work throughout the morning, 2
cups of tea at lunchtime, more coffee in the
afternoon and the first thing I do when I
get home from work is put the kettle on. I
wish pubs sold cups of tea. I LOVE tea. So
when I meet people and they tell me they
don't drink tea I have to fight the urge to
grab them and shout "How do you do it? How
do you get through the day? HOW DO YOU
SURVIVE?" Edit - Reading what I have just
written, I realise I sound like a smack
addict." (Colonel Dracula)
>> This Week's Question <<
Were your parents loopily strict? Did they ban
you from things that any sane person can see
wouldn't turn you into a slavering lunatic?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/strictparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Graffiti of the week <<
Beautiful bit of vandalism from a nameless but
wonderfully opportunistic, wit.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6953947
>> Disgusting breakfast pics <<
We figure this pic of what your breakfast
really consists of is actually some sort of
vegan propaganda image but is is quite
startling. Mind you, it did start us thinking
about how tasty duck is. Mmm. Pancakes...
http://www.heaven666.org/galleries/healthy_breakfa...
>> Paris Hilton sex tape Wikipedia <<
We revere wikipedia as the sum of all human
knowledge but was there really any need for a
'Plot' section in the entry for 'A Night in
Paris'? Hilariously, it also bears a spoiler
warning - who could have predicted that twist
at the end?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Night_in_Paris
>> Photo-manipulation through history <<
Mucking about with photos has a long and
distinguished pedigree, from Stalin's purges
to modern news publications prettying up
compositions. Here's a brief selection. Shit
layout though.
http://blog.wired.com/wiredphotos54/
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: NOKIA N800 (Sponsored link)
Need more internets? Twitchy fingers when not
connected? Get some boxed internet! Ready and
on tap, take it with you anywhere with the
Nokia internet tablet. Where do you think you
could take it?
http://snipurl.com/theinternetwalk
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Lube / pube / noob Tube
>> Sign language taken literally <<
If you've always wondered what the sign
language accompaniment to the news was really
saying, here's living legend Adam Buxton
providing the voice-over to the interpreter on
News 24. It's very enjoyable and we demand
Buxton provides this as a live, 24-hour a day
service.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Sign_Language
>> Acceptable in the 80s <<
Dirty, funky electropop goodness with a
bobby-dazzler of a video illustrating the many
benefits of dissecting a fangy animal of
indeterminate species while ladies dance.
Excellent!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/acceptable_in_the_80s
>> Jamiroquai toilet attendant <<
J Kay recently announced his intention to
retire from the music industry. Here's an
uncannily convincing remake of the Virtual
Insanity video, laying out his most likely
next career. He's a natural!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jamiroquai_shits
>> Ukulele - Are Friends Electric? <<
How to explain why there are so many ukulele
cover versions around? Nonetheless, this a
great version of the Tubeway Army classic -
with some nice old-school synth action to boot.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Are_Friends_Electric
>> Sleepy kittens <<
All your favourite funny cat clips set to
Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet - giving a good
excuse to watch them all over again. As is
likely the case with your own feline chum, it
alternates between snoozy cuteness and
adrenaline-fuelled full-on mentalness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleepy_kitties
>> Postman Pat the drug dealer <<
Redubbed version of the children's favourite,
follows Pat as he makes his deliveries and
demands money from the junkies and losers of
Greendale. Some clever touches make it worth
checking out before YouTube deletes it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Wank me off with a spiky glove
* SWASTIK KAR - say it out loud. (But not too
loud unless you work for Skrewdriver, the
White supremacist punk group formed in sunny
Blackpool in 1976 by Ian Stuart Donaldson.)
http://meetings.aps.org/Meeting/MAR06/Event/39549
* DICK PITT - rooney_1966 informs us, "a maths
lecturer at my uni. I promise you this is 100%
real."
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v737/daveywakeli...
* DICK GUICE - continuing the Dick / Richard
theme, our chum Mike Trinder points out this
rudely-named clergyman.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/biketourist/413178717...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Black & White Challenge
Last week we wanted to see a magical world in
which white people are black. Or brown. And
vice versa.
Your favourites included:
* PATRICK MOORE - The legendary
astronomer brings us science. And we
like science (Smallbrainfield)
* TRADING PLACES - Homer is faced with
with new troubles as Lenny swaps skin with
Carl (mongychops)
* INK - White ink? Black paper? That's
just crazy talk, surely? (Damocles)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/back_and_white/
>> New challenge: Subvert Kids' TV <<
Big Cook Little Cook. Teletubbies. Fimbles.
Tweenies et al. Do terrible things to them.
Parents will love you for it. Challenge
suggested by rogerzilla.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kids_tv/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DEFACING THE MONARCH - Friz witters, "RE:
Drawing cocks on £5 notes. This reminded me of
a challenge I was set a couple of years ago to
track a ten pound note across the country by
writing my email address on the back of it. It
was a fun experience, and I managed to track
it for quite a few months." A long multi-page
read, but moderately interesting.
http://www.take24.co.uk/planetarse/tenner/tenner.h...
* MORE WIKI PERVERTS - Green Spanner blathers,
"Carrying on with the 'Wikipedia perverts'
thing mentioned in the last newsletter, I
found it quite interesting that the article
for orgasm has sound bites of, and I quote,
'Examples of Female vocalisations during
orgasm'."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm#Human_female_orgasm
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: FRIDAY GAME
TRON
Ah, a classic blast from the ancient past.
Nothing really innovative here, but the simple,
clean execution kept us playing for a good
twenty minutes.
http://www.fltron.com/index_flash.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GOOGLE WALKER - we use the directions button
on Google Maps to work out how to walk between
two locations. However as it's designed for
cars, the routes it gives are often a little
long-winded. Can someone mash up a version
that doesn't care about one-way streets?
* WE-WILL-KNIT-IT.COM - knitting is big in the
geeksphere at the moment; people enjoy the
simple correlation between a stitch and
pixels. Can someone make a site where we can
upload simple bitmaps and it sends us socks
and jumpers? Possibly using child labour in
the third world?
* SPOOFING GOD BOTHERERS - we're pleased to
see Jesus jump onto the user-generated
content bandwagon with God launching his own
competitor to YouTube, hosted in Heaven
itself, entitled GodTube. Ten points to the
b3tards who can write a song called 'And the
Lord buried dinosaurs' bones' and uploading it.
http://www.godtube.com/
* CAT PLATFORM GAME VIDEO - Necromental asks,
"Remember that katwalk link from a few weeks
back? Why not rig up a load of them and
control your cat with a laser pen beaming at
the wall."
* HOW HIGH CAN A KITE FLY? Roland E O'Dorant
asks, "I would like to know if, given enough
string, I could theoretically fly a kite into
space?" Extra points for science diagrams.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SickRik. Top
Tippery by mortdubois. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. This week's secret message is
"Damn you Virgin Media. You've taken over our
magic TV box and made it slightly worse."
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TOP TIP:
Baby Wipes - Not just for babies. Really, once
you've tried them you'll never want to be
without.
