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This Week:
* VIDEO - Postman Pat, drug dealer
* INVESTIGATION - Clothes tags
* QUESTION - Picky eaters (worth a read)

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 267 - 9 Mar 2007

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  Happy toast makes a mascot
  Here is a challenge you might like. Build our
  little mascot from a sheet of A4 paper and get
  him pictured in unusual places. Get him on TV
  and we will give you free stuff.  Model
  created by b3ta's very own HappyToast and
  brought to you by the people at LiveEcon - the
  interactive economics software for students.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Go on, buy an ad. You know you want to.


  Stuff, nonsense and bollocks

  >> Inky tag investigation <<
  Before the web went all 2.0 mental, and before
  kids scrawled their names on buses, tagging
  meant the bits of round plastic that shops
  stuck on their clothes to stop pikeys teefing
  them. Mr Ports reports, "I recently had to
  remove an ink tag from a new jacket I bought
  because the till monkey forgot to take it off.
  Then I ripped it apart to see how it works."
  Surprisingly interesting stuff, if you're a
  little geeky. Or are thinking of shoplifting.

  >> Drunk squirrel <<
  "I've made a hopefully vaguely entertaining
  vid," whimpers Rusty Shackleford, "It contains
  cuteness, drunkenness and swearing - basically
  a dubbed version that drunk squirrel video
  that's currently doing the rounds."

  >> Red nose day - illegal? <<
  Long term political nuisance Manic is
  attempting to spoil everyone's enjoyment of Red
  Nose Day by pointing out that by taking part
  you can get arrested. He might have a point,
  but our main complaint with Comic Relief is
  that it's not very entertaining. 

  >> End of the world animation <<
  The other night we watched the mid 80s New
  Zealand film, The Quiet Earth, a minor classic
  in the post apocalyptic dystopia genre. We
  wonder if Mr Edd has been enjoying the same
  fiction as us.


  Picky Eaters

  What won't you eat? Why not? It's a wonder
  some of these people can function. Have
  they never gone hungry?:

    "I get really wound up sharing food and
    eating complicated food in public; I'm an
    only child; the word share isn't in my
    vocabulary. So imagine my delight when a boy
    asked me out for dinner. A date! That never
    happens! Oooh, yes please, I'd love to. We
    went for tapas. "It's okay, I'll get over
    the sharing thing," I thought, "I'll just
    order extra. Problem solved." And I did, it
    was fine, I coped admirably. One of the
    dishes was those big shell-on prawns. I
    panicked. I picked up a prawn and attempted
    to simultaneously work out to get into the
    little fucker and look coy and girly and
    coquettish (I'm aware, by the way, that
    there is nothing remotely sexy about trying
    to peel a prawn, but I was a bit piddly and
    let's just add it to the long list of
    reasons that I'm still single, okay?). I
    finally managed to snap its head off and was
    duly sprayed in the face with the green
    sludge that had been its last prawny meal.
    "That's the first time I've been the
    recipient of a prawn money shot," were the
    next words out of my mouth. My date looked
    at me, horrified. The couple on the next
    table choked on their patatas bravas. I
    called for the bill. I've never been near
    the business end of a prawn since." (Rakky)
    "My mum's last next door neighbour wouldn't
    eat food that had visibly come out of the
    ground, so despite living in a rural farming
    community she drove 20 miles to Tesco to buy
    her veg washed, peeled and cut up for about
    a 500% mark up and a loss of flavour and
    nutritional value. She was mental tho, and
    had to colour sort sweets, then eat them in
    a specific order. At a pantomime last year,
    I took a green wine gum and pretended to eat
    it, then when I was offered one again a
    little later, I put back the green wine gum.
    She had eaten all the greens, and was now a
    colour or two down the list, and this errant
    wine gum caused enough upset for her to miss
    the second half. I'm glad my mum doesn't
    live next door to her anymore." (kaptinkurtz)
    "What's up with people who don't like tea? I
    don't understand it. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
    CUPS OF TEA, I can't wake up properly and
    leave the house in the morning without a cup
    of tea, my bowels don't work before the
    first cup of tea, I would be dangerous
    without my tea. I have at least 2 cups of
    coffee at work throughout the morning, 2
    cups of tea at lunchtime, more coffee in the
    afternoon and the first thing I do when I
    get home from work is put the kettle on. I
    wish pubs sold cups of tea. I LOVE tea. So
    when I meet people and they tell me they
    don't drink tea I have to fight the urge to
    grab them and shout "How do you do it? How
    do you get through the day? HOW DO YOU
    SURVIVE?" Edit - Reading what I have just
    written, I realise I sound like a smack
    addict." (Colonel Dracula)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Were your parents loopily strict? Did they ban
  you from things that any sane person can see
  wouldn't turn you into a slavering lunatic?
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Graffiti of the week <<
  Beautiful bit of vandalism from a nameless but
  wonderfully opportunistic, wit.

  >> Disgusting breakfast pics <<
  We figure this pic of what your breakfast
  really consists of is actually some sort of
  vegan propaganda image but is is quite
  startling. Mind you, it did start us thinking
  about how tasty duck is. Mmm. Pancakes...

  >> Paris Hilton sex tape Wikipedia <<
  We revere wikipedia as the sum of all human
  knowledge but was there really any need for a
  'Plot' section in the entry for 'A Night in
  Paris'? Hilariously, it also bears a spoiler
  warning - who could have predicted that twist
  at the end?

  >> Photo-manipulation through history <<
  Mucking about with photos has a long and
  distinguished pedigree, from Stalin's purges
  to modern news publications prettying up
  compositions. Here's a brief selection. Shit
  layout though.


: NOKIA N800 (Sponsored link)

  Need more internets? Twitchy fingers when not
  connected? Get some boxed internet! Ready and
  on tap, take it with you anywhere with the
  Nokia internet tablet. Where do you think you
  could take it?


  Lube / pube / noob Tube

  >> Sign language taken literally <<
  If you've always wondered what the sign
  language accompaniment to the news was really
  saying, here's living legend Adam Buxton
  providing the voice-over to the interpreter on
  News 24. It's very enjoyable and we demand
  Buxton provides this as a live, 24-hour a day

  >> Acceptable in the 80s <<
  Dirty, funky electropop goodness with a
  bobby-dazzler of a video illustrating the many
  benefits of dissecting a fangy animal of
  indeterminate species while ladies dance.

  >> Jamiroquai toilet attendant <<
  J Kay recently announced his intention to
  retire from the music industry. Here's an
  uncannily convincing remake of the Virtual
  Insanity video, laying out his most likely
  next career. He's a natural!

   >> Ukulele - Are Friends Electric? <<
  How to explain why there are so many ukulele
  cover versions around? Nonetheless, this a
  great version of the Tubeway Army classic -
  with some nice old-school synth action to boot.

  >> Sleepy kittens <<
  All your favourite funny cat clips set to
  Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet - giving a good
  excuse to watch them all over again. As is
  likely the case with your own feline chum, it
  alternates between snoozy cuteness and
  adrenaline-fuelled full-on mentalness.

  >> Postman Pat the drug dealer <<
  Redubbed version of the children's favourite,
  follows Pat as he makes his deliveries and
  demands money from the junkies and losers of
  Greendale. Some clever touches make it worth
  checking out before YouTube deletes it.


  Wank me off with a spiky glove
  * SWASTIK KAR - say it out loud. (But not too
  loud unless you work for Skrewdriver, the
  White supremacist punk group formed in sunny
  Blackpool in 1976 by Ian Stuart Donaldson.)

  * DICK PITT - rooney_1966 informs us, "a maths
  lecturer at my uni. I promise you this is 100%

  * DICK GUICE - continuing the Dick / Richard
  theme, our chum Mike Trinder points out this
  rudely-named clergyman.


  Results from the Black & White Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see a magical world in
  which white people are black. Or brown. And
  vice versa.

  Your favourites included:
  * PATRICK MOORE - The legendary 
    astronomer brings us science. And we
    like science (Smallbrainfield)

  * TRADING PLACES - Homer is faced with
    with new troubles as Lenny swaps skin with 
    Carl (mongychops)

  * INK - White ink? Black paper? That's 
    just crazy talk, surely? (Damocles)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Subvert Kids' TV <<
  Big Cook Little Cook. Teletubbies. Fimbles.
  Tweenies et al. Do terrible things to them.
  Parents will love you for it. Challenge
  suggested by rogerzilla.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DEFACING THE MONARCH - Friz witters, "RE:
  Drawing cocks on £5 notes. This reminded me of
  a challenge I was set a couple of years ago to
  track a ten pound note across the country by
  writing my email address on the back of it. It
  was a fun experience, and I managed to track
  it for quite a few months." A long multi-page
  read, but moderately interesting.

  * MORE WIKI PERVERTS - Green Spanner blathers,
  "Carrying on with the 'Wikipedia perverts'
  thing mentioned in the last newsletter, I
  found it quite interesting that the article
  for orgasm has sound bites of, and I quote,
  'Examples of Female vocalisations during


  Ah, a classic blast from the ancient past.
  Nothing really innovative here, but the simple,
  clean execution kept us playing for a good
  twenty minutes.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GOOGLE WALKER - we use the directions button
  on Google Maps to work out how to walk between
  two locations. However as it's designed for
  cars, the routes it gives are often a little
  long-winded. Can someone mash up a version
  that doesn't care about one-way streets?

  * WE-WILL-KNIT-IT.COM - knitting is big in the
  geeksphere at the moment; people enjoy the
  simple correlation between a stitch and
  pixels. Can someone make a site where we can
  upload simple bitmaps and it sends us socks
  and jumpers? Possibly using child labour in
  the third world?

  * SPOOFING GOD BOTHERERS - we're pleased to
  see Jesus jump onto the user-generated
  content bandwagon with God launching his own
  competitor to YouTube, hosted in Heaven
  itself, entitled GodTube. Ten points to the
  b3tards who can write a song called 'And the
  Lord buried dinosaurs' bones' and uploading it.

  * CAT PLATFORM GAME VIDEO - Necromental asks,
  "Remember that katwalk link from a few weeks
  back? Why not rig up a load of them and
  control your cat with a laser pen beaming at
  the wall."

  * HOW HIGH CAN A KITE FLY? Roland E O'Dorant
  asks, "I would like to know if, given enough
  string, I could theoretically fly a kite into
  space?" Extra points for science diagrams.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SickRik. Top
  Tippery by mortdubois. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. This week's secret message is
  "Damn you Virgin Media. You've taken over our
  magic TV box and made it slightly worse."

  Baby Wipes - Not just for babies. Really, once
  you've tried them you'll never want to be

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