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This Week:
* QUIZ - Granny or Tranny
* COOKING - Veitch cooks pigs trotters
* VID - Wheatley kills friends mum with brick

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're quizzing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      perverts... together"

B3ta email 266 - 2 Mar 2007

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  Listen up Lazy B3tards.  
  The Filter is now like they say on the telly
  'NEW & IMPROVED' - You NEED to download it
  because it makes it so easy for you good for
  nothing layabouts to make decent playlists
  quickly.  Shuffle is a thing of nuisance – USE


  Quizage, Pigs and Bricks

  >> Tranny or Granny <<
  "It's been a while since I've made a quiz,"
  confesses your Ginger Fuhrer, "So I thought
  I'd treat the B3ta readers to the very stuff
  that gave this newsletter its first 20,000
  subscribers." Warning: Contains loud music
  and photos of a disturbing nature.

  >> Never ask Joel Veitch to cook dinner <<
  A while back we went on holiday with Mr Veitch
  and witnessed his cooking. Pig is his
  favourite; he eats it for every meal. Even
  when he cooks chicken, he serves it with a
  bacon dinner jacket. Witness his long (8 mins)
  attempt to turn pigs' trotters into soup. BTW:
  We were disappointed that Joel was cooking the
  pig trotters rather than doing normal cooking
  using trotters strapped to his arms.

  >> Brick trick <<
  We haven't heard from Mr Wheatley in a while,
  and rumour reaches us that he's in the land of
  TV advertising, directing stuff for Guinness.
  Apparently he's had some time off, and has
  been using it to throw bricks at his mate's
  mum. Nice.


  When were you last really scared?

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  Last week we asked about being a big scaredy
  cat, yellow-bellied, tricky dicky.

  We could tell you our favourite stories but as
  it's our newsletter and we can do what the
  hell we like, we're going to list the Ginger
  Fuhrer's scariest moments:
  * "Getting a 5k bill for bandwidth in the
  early days of B3ta and deleting the email and
  hoping it would go away, until a bloke turned
  up in the office attempting to serve a court

  * "About 10 minutes ago and nipping out of the
  office for a cigarette and a homeless bloke
  accosting us and telling us that he'd be
  smoking crack all night and couldn't get a
  hard on. Then asking us if he could have a
  "moment alone" with our female co-worker.
  "Sorry, we've got a meeting", and then he
  starts banging on the door. Nice."

  * "When Yahoo deleted the B3ta mailing list,
  all 150,000 of you and we had no back up."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to tell us about your picky
  eating habits. Speak now, with your face
  stuffed with foods.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The Power of Make up <<
  You want to know a secret? Girls wear make-up
  and perfume because they are ugly and they
  stink. Want proof? 

  >> Perverts write for Wikipedia <<
  We love Wikipedia, we do; a night doesn't go
  by without us reading ourselves to sleep via
  the greatest repository of human knowledge the
  world has ever created. However, some of the
  edges are a little quirky: quite why there's
  such a detailed section on boot-wearing in
  films can only be because the web is full of
  fucking perverts. Sample quote, "Commander
  Uhura wears a miniskirt and go-go boots
  variation of the current uniform for a
  Starbase scene." Huzzah.

  >> Got cum? <<
  Wanking over our favourite celebrities is the
  number two bestest pass-time in B3ta Towers.
  Currently our toss list includes Lucy Pinder,
  Lyndsey Lohan and William Shatner. But not
  ever we would go so far as to print the photos
  out, spooge over them, and photograph the
  results for the web to see. Some of the humour
  comes from the bland copy that accompanies the

  >> When the world disappears beneath you <<
  Ever wanted the ground to open up and swallow
  you up? Don't wish too hard, because it might
  just happen. Impressive photos of a natural

  >> How steak is made <<
  Meat eaters! To let you into a closely guarded
  secret that the beef industry keeps close to
  its chest, your dinner is made of cow. Yes,
  would you Adam and Eve it? WARNING: Vegan
  propaganda ahead. 


: RED NOSE DAY (Sponsored link)

  Red Nose Day ’07 is upon us, a feast of
  humour, mirth and little films of exceedingly
  silly dancing by men with stumpy little legs,
  all in the name of charity. Go on, click...
  it’ll make you a better person than you
  currently are.


  It's like TV, but with compression artifacts

  >> Beer-launching fridge <<
  We spent, ooh, nearly 3 minutes wondering
  whether this short video is a viral for Miller
  beer. Then we thought, fuck it, it's funny and
  inventive, so who gives a shit?

  >> Soho pimps <<
  "Hello B3ta," spluffs Louise, "I used to write
  to you loads when I worked on thisisaknife for
  Channel 4. Now I'm working with Gary Le
  Strange. A true Eighties throwback, this
  video, for the song 'Seedy Pimp' was directed
  by Stewart Lee of 'Jerry Springer - The Opera'
  fame." We were determined to hate this, but
  it's pretty good. The lyrics are genuinely

  >> Unreleased South Park (sort of)<<
  "When Edgar Bronfman Jr gained ownership of
  Universal Studios he got into some odd
  marketing campaign practices," lectures
  Thiswasmyclone, "One of which is this rare,
  employee orientation video, that enlightened
  people about how things were going to change
  under new management. It was commissioned to be
  written and directed by Matt Stone and Trey
  Parker (of South Park fame), and it was, and
  Jr. didn't like it, so they scrapped it." You
  can see why.

  >> Jonathan King on Youtube <<
  Overseas readers might need a quick primer for
  one-time TV star Jonathan King: fat, old and
  with an irritating voice, King bestrode the UK
  music scene like a pan-media lobster. There
  were novelty singles, TV shows and he was
  always there to give an opinionated quote on
  anything. Then the UK courts locked him up for
  having sex with underage boys. He believes
  he's innocent and is now using Youtube to air
  his grievances in song form. We're not sure
  that writing a song about kids called,
  "Satan's Ultimate Weapon Of Mass Destruction"
  and doing Hitler salutes is going to win him
  any friends. Still, interesting to see what
  happens to a famous person once the phone
  stops ringing.

  >> 'Playstation 3 is shit' video <<
  We'd pay good money to see a reality show on
  how the marketing people at Sony are handling
  all the negative press surrounding the launch
  of their new games console. Stuff like this, a
  lovely little song complaining about Sony
  pissing their brand away. 


  Stab us in the eye, it's back like herpes
  "Dear Magic Donkey," neighs anthonysaunders,
  "As much as I hate the funny name corner of
  the newsletter I was browsing our uni website
  and spotted something that the puerile side of
  me couldn't resist giggling at."


  Results from the Punchline Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us the 
  punchlines from jokes. How we laughed. 

  Your favourites included:
  * THE ITALIAN JOB - Not strictly a joke, 
    but Michael Caine's famous line is 
    realised here with rather vigourous 
    glee (Pedantichrist)

  * KNOCK KNOCK - This entry cheated the 
    rules by being an entire joke, not just 
    the punchline. But it's a good joke, so
    we let it pass (Devil Duck:)

  * PAEDO TEACHER - It's only a matter of 
    time before this tragic misunderstanding 
    happens in real life (Monkeon)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Black and White <<
  Ebony and ivory, living together in 
  perfect harmony. But what if the song 
  was backwards? Show us a world in which
  white people are black. Or brown. And 
  vice versa.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ROCKY THE FAMOUS B3TA CAT - sometimes our
  inbox surprises us, we certainly never expected
  to receive fan male for the official B3ta cat,
  and a request for photos.

  mouths, "Dearest Ginger Fuhrer, and assorted
  minions, I write to you with regard to your
  latest instalment - specifically with regard
  to your request that people stick up weird
  brass signs that make no sense. Can I direct
  you to the following link? It explains about a
  hoax memorial plaque that was placed on
  Dublin's O'Connell Bridge."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MAGNO-COCK TV VANDALISM - daleks-legs
  scribes, "A few months ago I rubbed a magnet
  over the tv in my room as a result of this
  whenever something red is on tv, the bit
  where I rubbed the magnet on changes to
  magenta. Can someone please go and make a
  magenta cock in a TV shop like this. But be
  warned; it's permanent."

  * KNOBS NOTES - "I've thought of a game,"
  boats thistle, "Draw something on the back of
  a £5 note (eg. a penis) before you use it and
  see how long before you get it back or you get
  one from someone else. I've done 2 cocks on £5
  notes so hope someone from B3ta gets it."

  the alcopops and ciggies so that you can bring
  your unborn child to full term without
  incurring a low birth weight or foetal alcohol
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Scary and
  drdavej. Top Tippery by, er,  Leonard Woo.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Wigs
  to b4ta. (Nothing in the brackets.)

  Install two browsers, and hide the link to the
  second. Use this as your special porn browser
  so your partner doesn't find out.

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