NEWSLETTER: "IF SHE TELLS YOU HER AGE AND USES A FRACTION. SHE'S TOO YOUNG."
This Week:
* HITLER - He's back and he's dancing
* TONY BLAIR - Milk obsessed pervert
* FAMOUSR - Who's more famous?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 272 - 13 Apr 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue272/
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: SPONSORED LINK
J20
Join the world’s biggest rain dance for a
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hot festival bands.
http://snipurl.com/j20rainfest_b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Hitler, Blair, Jamie Oliver and A Giant Slingshot
>> Disco Hitler <<
Perhaps it's the late German Fuhrer's
over-dramatic oratorical mannerisms that make
baldnobby's Gloria Gaynor mix work oh-so well.
There's something just so camp about Nazis.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Disco_Hitler
>> Tony Blair - a life <<
"Continuing my series of 'Tom Conti
Presents...'," booms the stentorian ccc.
"Ladies & gentlemen, I give you - Tony Blair."
Deeply, oddly breast-fixated biography of the
UK PM.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tony_Blair_a_life
>> "Jamie Oliver spikes kids' food" <<
This documentary footage shows you just what
what he's been up to. Eh, okay, it's all some
rejigged stuff from his TV show along with
some nicely mashed-up ads from Rusty
Shackleford. The Toploader backing track is a
nice detail for the discerning Jamie Oliver
hater.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Junt_co_uk_TV_part_2
>> Giant slingshot fun! <<
"We had a nearly-dead CRT monitor, a giant
slingshot, and some ripe fruit," begins Tom
Scott. "The ensuing plan didn't take too much
imagination to come up with." What's amazing
is the state the monitor is in by the end. Try
doing that with one of your fancy schmancy
LCDs...
http://www.thomasscott.net/slingshot/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Flat mates from Hell 2
Last week we wanted more of your flat mates
from hell stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housematesfromhell/
* WHERE NEXT WITH THE POO?
Mike had a habit I discovered after a night
of heavy drinking. I woke up, went to the
toilet and found a turd sitting right by the
loo. The dirty bastard had missed the toilet
with the biggest dump I'd ever seen, but
seeing as he was a good friend and had been
very drunk I let it slide. Then I went into
the kitchen to find a poo on the table. But,
when Mike gets up he is very apologetic and
cleans up very thoroughly. "Ah, he's not so
bad," I say to myself as I get a Pringle.
Wait. These Pringles feel oddly soft. And
squishy. And- "Oh my God!! You shat in the
Pringles tube you utter fuck!!" I withdrew
my hand which was now covered in poo and ran
to the toilet where I threw up twice and
then showered for an hour. Sadly the pooing
didn't stop there, and in the oddest places,
including the couch, the top of the
television, under the welcome mat, at the
foot of my bed, and, most bizarrely of all,
in the oven. Eventually I kicked him out,
but scarily am still very good friends with
him." (Paedosmile)
* GREMLINS
"My friend's housemate had a taste for Class
A's. They go out leaving him on his own,
returning to find the house trashed,
everything everywhere. They find him in his
room sat curled up in front of his cupboard
which is all taped up. Asked if he is OK, he
replies that he was feeling real down so he
took a load of drugs and trashed the place.
Then he went for a walk and the gremlins
wouldn't leave him alone. My mates were
like, "Look, there are no gremlins....". He
was prepared for this and replied, "I knew
you wouldn't believe me so I caught one and
locked it in the cupboard" They opened the
cupboard and out popped a little Down's
Syndrome child." (Jetpac)
* PHOTO ENTRY
Sometimes, no more explanation is needed...
"You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Garbage
Truck":
http://snipurl.com/thishigh
>> This Week's Question <<
Alexxx asks "How far have you gone to get
someone to sleep with you? - a mate spent the
best part of a thousand pounds ruining a
colleague's day so he could comfort her
afterwards, only to have her boyfriend propose
to her." So, how far have you gone?
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Random ytmnd generator <<
Regular readers will know about YTMND, a site
where users upload pics and music for
hopefully amusing juxtaposition. So what would
happen if the visuals and audio was
randomised? Click to find out.
http://random.ytmnd.com/random.html
>> Hamster-powered paper shredder <<
When the apocalypse comes and electricity
turns to dust how are office workers going to
shred their paper? Thankfully, Art has the
answer. BTW: Does anybody fancy building a
vibrator powered by wasps?
http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html
>> Goatse advertising <<
The exponential memetic rise of goatse
continues with this fantastic billboard
advertisement for some job listings website.
Props to the creative team that managed to
push this idea through.
http://snipurl.com/goatsead
>> Heroes <<
Probably old news to many of our readers, but
the best thing on TV at the moment is Heroes.
A US drama fantasy production following the
intertwining lives of people blessed with
super powers. We've all 18 (so far) episodes
via the magic of torrents, but it's coming to
BBC Two in June 2007. Linky goes to a rather
fantastic wiki site that details all the
strange theories that fans have postulated.
Not something you should read before watching
the show, as it's spoiler-city.
http://heroeswiki.com/
>> Briefly amusing graffiti <<
Vandalism might suck when it's teenage kids
kicking down your back-garden fence to get
their ball back, but when it's actually funny
then we're happy to have double standards.
*shakes fist at pesky next-door kids*
http://snipurl.com/maybe_you_will_laugh
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cat takes bus
"I am sure you have seen this, being that you
live in England and all," mews Zonga, "and are
on the pulse of all things AWWW, but if you
haven't, you must." Yep, this 'kitten takes
public transport' story was all over the UK
papers a few days ago, but maybe some of our
readers in Korea might have missed it. (Hope
it doesn't make them feel hungry.)
http://snipurl.com/1fvy2
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The usual U2ube bollocks
>> USB shoe <<
Fancy footwear that just plugs into your
computer and moves according to your commands.
Sounds like a winner to us - anything to keep
ahead in the knife-edge world of high-stakes
DDR we operate in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Lunatic anti theft device <<
Admittedly, it's maddening to have some
smacktard nick off with your motor. But we've
all accidentally forgotten to turn off the
alarm at some point. Imagine how much worse it
would be if this little number slipped your
mind before you pulled out of your driveway?
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two way fun-bumming action
* MANGINA - when drunk your Ginger Fuhrer has
been known to claim to have invented the word
'mangina' and also 'hobosexual', but we know
the truth: mangina is out there:
http://www.iwu.edu/~iwunews/sports/mangina.html
* N-WORD BROWN - CabbageHunter writes, "You've
probably been sent this 1,464,435 times
already, but it made me smile like a happy
badger." Indeed. When B3ta starts its own
range of paints we'll be offering colours such
as, "Chinky yellow", "dead baby green" and, to
prove we're not racist, "cracker white."
http://snipurl.com/nwordbrown
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Advertising Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to produce ads
that told the truth.
Your favourites included:
* VISTA - A searing indictment of Microsoft's
latest operating system, etc (NobbyNobody)
* PC vs MAC - The advert Apple don't want you
to see (Doctor Frinkelstein)
* UM BONGO - They drink it bloody everywhere,
it would seem (St3cks)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/truth_in_advertising...
>> New challenge: Self Help Books For Kids <<
It's not easy being a kid these days -
invariably your parents are fighting, drunk,
absent, or in prison. So let's design some
books to help our children cope with whatever
life throws at them. Challenge suggested by
TimChuma.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SUBJECT LINE COMPLAINTS - Dandymon moans,
"I'm a teacher and have your newsletter rss on
my google homepage. Ouch with the 'our inner
paedophile fucking your inner kids' popping up
in the middle of class, 6inches high on the
projector." Sorry Dandymoon, but recently
we've been selecting the titles from a
competition on the board. Here's this week's
one.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7084108
* FUCK OFF DALEK CAKES - a member of the
'Dalek Cakes at Flickr' group has got in touch
to point out there's a whole cooking scene
going on. Oh you crazy kids.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/dalekcakes/pool/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Who's more famous?
Fraser of Kittenwar sends us this message on
his rivals, "Like Kittenwar, but for
celebrity. The streaks and scores are a really
nice addition." Kept us entertained for the
proverbial five minutes anyway.
http://www.famousr.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIN THE LOTTERY - Popidge writes, "A
foolproof way to win the Lottery, and make a
profit? There are 13,983,816 possible
combinations of numbers for The National
Lottery Lotto game. Well, why don't we exploit
it? Wait until there is a fucking huge
rollover, of about £13-14million, then
everyone on b3ta pitches in a few quid or
more, and we buy every single combination of
numbers. Guaranteed, our contributions will
drive the prize fund up no end, so we'd end up
making a mint, which could then be shared out!
Absolutely no possible flaws.. right?" Wait,
so we buy 13 million tickets, which cost a
pound each, in order to guarantee that we'll
win a prize of £13million? Hmm.
* HOW TO GET DRUNK FOR LESS THAN £5 - visit
your local booze shop with a calculator and
work out what's the most alcohol you can buy
for a fiver. Make lots of graphs. Fall over.
* NEW SAUSAGES - why should they only be made
of meat? Mince up eggs and stick them in a
plastic sock. Might work.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
purple_gromit, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, celtic,
spaceman_rich and Grampa Top Tippery by Ginger
Uhura Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Champagne to b4ta, real pain to our enemies.
Waxdart is the man to blame for the subjectline.
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TOP TIP:
Avoid people sitting next to you on the train.
maintain eye contact, smile and pat the seat
next to you.
