NEWSLETTER: "FIND MADDIE AND WIN AN IPOD NANO!"
This Week:
* GOATSE - Boarder 'goatses' the BBC
* HAIR - Gayer hair
* TASTY TOSS - The cum challenge
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 280 - 08 Jun 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Goatse, Badgers & Tubes
>> BBC Goatse <<
In what some blogs are calling 'B3ta's finest
hour', boarder Coast of Yemen managed to Goatse
the BBC by uploading a stylised arse-pic for their
compo to re-design the Olympic logo. You've
probably already seen this, as it's been
everywhere this week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Badgers Vs Transformers <<
Jonti has been getting excited about the
forthcoming Transformers flick and has
re-edited the trailer to include his personal
obsessions. (It's all about 'the booooooooo
bass sounds' apparently.) This is, presumably,
not the last time you're going to be seeing
Transformer-related gumph this year, we imagine
there's workshops in Korea tooling up as we
speak.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Big+Ass+Badgers/
>> Tube anagram map <<
John3ners has been amusing himself by playing
anagram games with the London tube map. He
apologises, "I know that anagram maps are very
last year, but this took me ages, so I thought
I'd post it anyway."
http://www.fatshite.com/LxSE_Dec_x05_anag.pdf
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Mistaken Identity
Last week we asked if you'd been mistaken for
someone else better looking or more famouserer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mistakenidentity/
* WHERE IS THIS CLUB? WE WANT TO GO
"I was once at a foam party at a club in
Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wandered
drunkardly further into the depths to see
if I could find a bar. As I stood gathering
my surroundings and wondering where the hell
I was, I felt a pair of hands pull my shorts
down a little, shortly followed by swollen
member being thrust into the mouth of a girl
who really knew what she was doing. And so,
that's where I remained for an undisclosed
amount of time, after which she stood up
looking rather pleased with her handy work.
That is until she realised I wasn't her
boyfriend who she'd been waiting for, and
who had the same excellent taste in shorts
as I did." (Furness)
* DAD!
"I can't walk past a cider-sodden tramp
without shouting "DAD! Dad! It's me...don't
you recognise me Dad?". Always guaranteed a
response. Nine times out of ten I'm greeted
with incomprehensible abuse, but it's that
almost tear jerking one-in-ten "S...S...Son?"
that makes it all worthwhile. Am I a bad
person." (cowfoot)
* POOR MACCA
"I was in a pub in my home town, minding my
own business when a random guy walked to my
table and sat down. I looked at the guy who
then said "I'm really sorry Macca, I've been
meaning to give this back to you for ages"
and thrusts an envelope in my hand. He then
stood up, said "no hard feelings then mate"
and left by the side door. Strange, I thought.
On opening the envelope and finding a cash
sum not unadjacent to 700 quid in used 20s
I made my escape. I am not Macca. I don't
know anyone called Macca. I haven't been in
that pub since, he might want his money back!"
(Captain Placid)
And the winner is, tinypod's Dad, who looks
just like Harold Shipman:
http://www.b3tards.com/u/13ba5a9712e92dc71241/dad....
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your cute pet stories to cheer us up
after the official QOTW masters cat died this
week. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/petstories/
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: B3TA T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
BBC Goatse
Celebrating Coast of Yemen's great goatsing of
the BBC moment, we've asked his permission to
make a few t-shirts. Get them before this
becomes about as relevant as crazy frog.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Aussie ciggies - hardcore <<
Australians don't mess around when it comes to
fag packet warnings - here's a scary eye
telling you tabs are bad. "Some have pictures
of dead babies and dead lungs and stuff,"
scribbles Oz b3tard Julian, "But they come in
packs of 25 so there is an upside."
http://www.edge.myzen.co.uk/OzzyFagsF.jpg
>> Cute kitty news <<
Ingeniously combining news RSS feeds with
random kittens here's a site that aspires to be
both informative and cute. We guess the cats
are supposed to look like they're reading the
news - instead they seem disturbingly like the
perpetrators of it.
http://lol.ianloic.com/
>> Man likes cameraphone - and beans <<
Strange collision of interests as phone nerd
decides to photograph his spunky new phone next
to his favourite foods. And, looking at it, who
says the Italians know how to eat well?
http://www.alfonsomartone.itb.it/vwbdfj.html
>> Cat-cam <<
Ever wonder what your cat gets up to when he's
out wandering the streets at night? This is
just a great idea - a small camera that takes
pictures on a timer attached to the collar. Mr
Lee provides detailed instructions for people
who might want to try this at home. PLEASE try
this at home.
http://www.mr-lee-catcam.de/index.htm
>> Self-kissing art <<
Utilising some sort of unwholesome computer
wizardry no doubt, here's a gallery of people
kissing themselves. They're really going for it
too, which is quite disturbing. Reminds us of
twin porn.
http://pupsam.free.fr/diaporama.php
>> Inner-lip tattoos <<
Ouch! Probably the most wince-inducing bit of
body art we've seen in a long time. Who knew
people would go to the bother of getting
tattoos inside their mouths? On the plus side,
you could really go to town and still not risk
losing your job at the bank...
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2005/08/25/sluts-and-nu...
>> Wet Cats <<
Nature's comedy gold - look how skinny and
crazy they really are! Lol!
http://animal-pix.blogspot.com/2007/05/wet-cats.ht...
>> Mains adaptor for fingers <<
A device conceived purely to make it easier to
stick your fingers in the electric, the Vilcus
dactyloadaptor helps prevent expensive and
dangerous short-circuits while you commit a
grotesque and painful form of suicide. Ideal
gift.
http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/vilcus/
>> Toenail necklace <<
From a distance it looks like pretty seashells
but zoom in and this is quite clearly jewellery
made from the discarded and blackened toenails
of marathoner Jan Ryerse. Even more shockingly
disgusting than it sounds.
http://snipr.com/toenail_neck_love
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Jumpy fox
Is this a photo of a fox-cub, startled at the
sight of a flower - or, as we suspect - a James
Bond-like figure being lowered down on wires to
steal diamonds?
http://www.arcticrefugeart.org/corral/cor_090_foxj...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
User generated discontent
>> High quality vids <<
Spent a good day looking at videos on the Stage
6 site - it's USP is that the clips look a damn
site better than Youtube. Once you install
their plug-in, the image quality is fantastic.
http://stage6.divx.com/
>> OAPS sing My Generation <<
In a stunt presumably built around the lyric,
"I hope I die before I get old", the Zimmers
are a TV project to 'give a voice to the
feelings of isolation and imprisonment suffered
by the elderly'. BTW: Getting old people to
sing songs is a great idea. Can we have Sir Ian
McKellen singing Bronski Beat's Small-town Boy?
Gravitas and pathos would be the keywords here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Real-life Transformers <<
When they make a play from the upcoming
Transformers film we want to see these people
in charge of the costumes. They really do
change from robots to a pretty good facsimile
of what the character was meant to look like -
even the, frankly shitty, Decepticon fighter
plane toys. Awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Farts on show <<
Supposedly the result of a scientist observing
bottom-burps with a heat-sensitive camera,
here's a series of athletic fart gags. We
especially liked the computer-generated
diagrams to illustrate the optimum path of
escape from your own stink.
http://www.tgisfw.com/2007/06/detailed-analysis-of...
>> "Don't put it in your mouth" <<
A classic bit of Canadian public service
advertising, with a bunch of singing muppets
telling kids, "Always ask someone you love
before you put anything in your mouth." Good
advice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> US lip-sync fun <<
Just a bunch of Americans mucking around and
miming to Harvey Danger's 'Flagpole Sitta".
Lovely.
http://www.vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf
>> 70's-style Prodigy vid remix <<
Man with a big moustache prancing about in the
woods with dancers dressed as Indians - it's
the best Prodigy video ever. Worth a look just
for the lead singer, Danish disco great Tommy
Seebach.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Gayer Hair
Oh dear. If your name was Mr Gayer and you
wanted to launch a range of follicle-care
products, would you really call your company,
"Gayer Hair." Oh you would? You think it would
be a great way to get free promotion from
dick-head websites like B3ta? Maybe you're
right. BTW: The radio ad is worth a listen.
http://www.gayerhair.com/
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: TASTY TOSS
The Cum Challenge
Last week we mentioned food stuffs changing the
flavour of man-spooge. We got sack-loads of
mail (names removed to protect the guilty),
including:
* PIMMS NO 3 - "My boyfriend will kill me, but
I know well that Pimms no. 3 (The winter one)
with normal ginger beer as a mixer makes cum
taste really nice. It's sort of sweet, but with
a hint of spice."
* PINEAPPLE - "When I moved to Brisbane a year
ago the girls in the supermarket would keep
giving me weird looks as I go through the
checkout with loads of cans of pineapple, some
fresh ones and pineapple juice. I've since
found out that Queensland ladies think that
blokes who eat lots of pineapple are gentlemanly
because it makes their cum taste sweeter."
* VANILLA COKE - "The missus reckons it made by
boy-spluff taste of vanilla."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Office Art Challenge
Last week we wanted to make art using
software not meant for making art with.
Your favourites included:
* SCARY STORY - Comfortable? Then we'll
begin. Terrifying stuff from b3ta's
king of lateral thinking (Monkeon)
* SHARK vs. HELICOPTER - A classic meme
revisited using animated spreadsheet
magic (Sunshine Elephant)
* EXCEL SUNSET - exactly like being on
a lovely beach holiday, but without
the sunburn, jet lag or violence
(dood)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/officeart/
>> New challenge: Gingers <<
Ginger people have been in the news
this week, hounded and humiliated for
their crimson locks and freckled skin.
But what if the tables were turned, and
they were worshipped as Gods? Show us
life in Ginger World...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gingers/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
RUTH BADGER - apparently a fan of Jonti's
animation, and has entered here drawing of his
creations for a Sun newspaper 'get celebs to
draw for charity' thingie.
http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2007260019,0...
* PISS CHAT - "I'm a biology teacher",
confesses Bambambambambam, "Normal folk have
an enzyme that breaks down the coloured
compound in beetroot (beta-cyanin) so eating
beetroot won't turn your piss red. A small
percentage of the population have a mutant gene
for this enzyme that produces a non-functioning
enzyme so the compound doesn't get broken down
and accumulates in the urine, turning it red.
This is the reason that many distressed parents
rush their children to A&E thinking their
child's kidneys have popped. The same is true
with asparagus. Most folks break down the
aromatic compound that gives asparagus its
smell. Some unfortunate folk like me don't have
the right enzyme for it and so if we eat
asparagus, within an hour our piss smells like
a shed full of rotting vegetables."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Breakout VS Bejewelled
Often enjoy the concept of gluing two games
together to made a third. Surprisingly playable.
http://www.spellenservice.nl/spellen/1366-Fun%2525...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AIDS POOL - bet on the next famous person to
announce that they are HIV+. Our money is on
falsetto voiced haggis gardener, Jimmy
Sommerville.
* GINGERNWORD.COM - write a script that takes
a URL and replaces all the references to ginger
with the word n-word. Vice versa. It would make
a point. Of sorts.
* MAISY - been watching this kids cartoon
recently and can only conclude it tells the
story of a lesbian social worker working with
the mentally subnormal. Can someone re-voice it
please?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by starcat09,
Grubbymitts, hobnobgoblin, Rosgaard, Super
piat, littlebrownweasel, danparker, cheeksgt
and TechDiff Top Tippery by sutton_29
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Rape
biscuits to b4ta. (Blackets) BTW: Mugatu wrote
the subjectline and lots of people liked it, so
don't blame us.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7271970
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TOP TIP:
If you suffer from heartburn in bed, sleep on
your left-hand side. Your stomach acid cannot
"overflow" as easily as the food pipe faces
upwards in this position.
