NEWSLETTER: "FREE ALAN JOHNSTON"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Beer Beer Beer
* FOOD - B3tard eats placenta
* WEEBL - More Cat Face
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're stop-motioning
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | your dad having a wank,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together. Huzzah."
B3ta email 285 - 13 Jul 2007
Wipe this tissue in your trousers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue285/
Say hello: [email protected]
Wave goodbye: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
The bestest stuff ever, we suspect
>> Beer Beer Beer <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Two days, two
people, twenty beer glasses and over 1000
photos. My legs are still aching." And if there
was an organisation called "The Pub Marketing
Board"? This video surely would have won the
pitch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beer_Beer_Beer
>> Placenta-eating <<
TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall became
famous after a stunt where he flambéed and
puréed a human placenta which was served as a
pâté. Our own Lord Manley is a man after his
heart. (Not literally, although we wouldn't put
it past him.)
http://havingapoo.blogspot.com/2007/07/placenta-pa...
>> Cat Face II <<
Looks like Weebl is onto a winnner with his new
Cat Face series. We're finding that people are
referencing it online and quoting the song.
Funny script too.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+2/
>> Chocolate rain parody <<
Hard to miss over the last few weeks has been
Tay Zonday's surprisingly catchy self-penned
'Chocolate Rain' song and vid on YouTube.
B3tard par excellence RussinLondon knocked up
his own takeoff this very afternoon. Brilliance!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chocolate_Rain_spoof
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crazy Relatives
Last week we asked about your certifiable
relatives:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crazyrelatives/
Here are three grandparents who are away with
the fairies:
* GREY SQUIRRELS
"My granddad used to leave pudding out in the
garden. Slightly mental in itself, of course.
When asked why, he responded: "It's for the
grey squirrels" Not just squirrels, though of
course that's somewhat banana- brained in
itself, but specifically grey ones. And why
might that be, granddad? Bless his fucked-up
excuse for a mind, he was under the
impression that grey squirrels were elderly
red squirrels. And being elderly, they most
likely wouldn't be able to chew nuts as well
as in their youthful red-haired days. So a
nice soft pudding seemed the obvious
solution. My parents never corrected him and
he continued preparing roly poly, spotted
dick and rice pudding for the 'old dears'
until he died." (Confused, would we?)
* SELF HARM
"My granddad, for whatever reason, needed to
climb a tree about 10 years ago to cut down a
branch that was upsetting him. My gran told
him that if he fell and hurt himself to not
come complaining to her. After a few hours of
not hearing any swearing she took a look out
the window and saw him sat by the tree having
fallen off and broken both his legs. "You
said don't call you if something happened..."
After recovering in hospital and back home to
do his bricolage, he then managed to cut off
bits of his fingers with a circular saw. He
swears the dog ate them. After recovering
from that, back in his garage, he needed to
open a little tub of super-glue. What with
the newly mangled hand and what-not, he
decided to use his mouth and efficiently
glued his gob shut. Ok, this time he couldn't
call for help so OAP reasoning took over that
he could deal with this with a wood file from
the shed and shred his lips back open. He's
still alive and kicking, though he probably
doesn't remember any of it" (schrembot)
* ARMADILLOS
"My Nana regularly phones the council to
complain that there are Armadillos living in
her house, and they should do something about
it. No matter how much we try and explain to
her that Wood-lice can get through the
smallest crack, and that getting the odd one
a month in her hall during summer will not
actually harm her." (turtles head is touching
cloth)
>> This Week's Question <<
Are you all farty? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/farting/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> iPhone Knitting <<
The web has been going mental for the iPhone
this week, from the will-it-blend lot
destroying one, teenage hackers working out how
to connect them to different networks and best
of all, old ladies knitting them for their
grandchildren. Thanks gran - just what we
wanted.
http://daddytypes.com/2007/07/04/my_mom_handknit_a...
>> Eye Tattoos <<
Bmezine should be stopped. Who thought it was a
good idea to stick all the body modification
freaks in one place and have them out-do each
other in tattoo-madness? Inking your own
eyeballs? Fucking insane. Made you look, make
you stare, made you wank off Tony Blair.
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2007/07/02/three-blind-...
>> Lolcats vs Doctor Who <<
Blokey in the office says to us the other day,
"Am I really old on this lolcats thing? I've
been reading all of them overnight and they are
hilarious." Well, hopefully he'll also enjoy
this reworking of Doctor Who in lol-stylee. We
loved it with a sexy passion.
http://nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com/1336208.html
>> Google Maps Tube Mash-up <<
Ok, not a super-fun-woo-b3ta-rolf-lol-link, but
London readers will enjoy this. Find out how
different the actual tube routes are to the
famous map via this interactive thingamajig.
http://tubejp.co.uk/
>> Blindfold drawing <<
Sixty years ago Life Magazine asked cartoonists
to draw their characters whilst blindfolded.
Fascinating stuff, and we suggest you close
your eyes right now and attempt to scribble a
crudely-drawn cock.
http://snipurl.com/cripple_my_cattle
>> You're so dumped <<
No, not what the cannibal said after eating his
ex-girlfriend, but a rather illiterate
rejection letter read out, grammatical error
after error whilst sniggering. Made us lol and
rolf like a 13-year old girl polluting the
comments on YouTube.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytm...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby mice
Smelch writes - "I took this photo, I think it
makes people go awww or whatever, so might go
good in the newsletter." Indeed, your mouse
made our hearts burst with joy.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/smelch/535134191/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Saying 'meh' to what twats call UCG each week
>> Will it blend: iPhone <<
As previously mentioned in this very issue,
here we are, unexclusively bringing you the
link. According to our official B3ta chef,
Fraser Lewry, this is "viral advertising at its
best." But then he eats a lot of raw beef and
thinks it's tasty, so basically he's mental
anyway.
http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx
>> Youtube vs Youtube <<
Who hasn't fantasised about being Bono, singing
about leprechauns and the IRA in front of a
bank of TVs? Well, this is as close as you're
going to get, by mixing two (yes! count them!)
two, youtube videos and watching them at the
same time. More fun than it probably should be.
http://www.youtubedoubler.com/
>> Wormy cock <<
NSFW, nightmare-inducing,
don't-click-on-this-whatever-you-do worm/penis
horror. Heh. We told you not to click. Did you
listen? Did you?
http://www.mojoflix.com/Video/worm-and-me.html
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Pixelly Pep does her stuff
Sexy Denise, our official B3ta design genius,
has been making brand-new, high quality
garments. You'll want to wear them because
they're just so fucking cool you'll probably
get laid just by clicking the link. (Can we
have our £5 please now Den?)
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Scissors and Glue Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create photoshoppery
the good old-fashioned way, using scissors and
glue and stuff.
Your favourites included:
* ELGAR - Highly innovative use of a crisp
twenty pound note from the surely demented
(Spunky McPunk)
* MARIO - This image will scar your dainty
eyeballs. It may be a penis, but it's not porn.
(Dooley)
* LOCAL SHOP - The League of Gentlemen missed a
trick not casting eggs in their sketches; this
labour of love redresses the balance (Andytomaz)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scissors/
>> New challenge: Muppets do the Movies <<
The Muppets have made some pretty mediocre
movies, but what other films could they star in
to bring in the blockbuster bucks? Challenge
suggested by The Great Architect
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/muppets/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FRUIT JUICE-ONLY DIET - nirm somewhat
alarmingly confesses, "Surviving for seven days
on fruit juice is impossible. I started Friday
5pm and got to sunday morning before I started
to get the most agonising stomach cramps
followed by explosive diarrhoea. It is now
Monday and I can not go to work, I can not even
fart without the fear or shitting myself."
* ZOO / NUTS - the endless appropriation of
B3tard-made images for the weekly men's mags
has been drawing some rumblings from
journalists. The Times also got in touch asking
for quotes on this, but we're unsure if they
ran anything. To be honest, there's not a huge
amount we can say that wouldn't look like
hypocrisy, but PLEASE magazine people, if you
want to use re-print stuff off the web, throw
in a token payment / ask for permission from
the actual creator of the work. Cheers.
http://www.journalism.co.uk/news/story3385.shtml
* UNCYCLOPEDIA - we, perhaps unwisely,
mentioned this wiki-nonsense site a few weeks
back, not realising that a few of you hadn't
heard of it. Random Image confesses, "I decided
to type in B3ta - I got this stuff about 'B3ta
was founded in the late 14th Century by the
failure of the Spanish Armada to invade a
single one of the British Isles.'" Heh,
complete nonsense of course. B3ta was actually
founded by bored staff at Emap's Your Horse
magazine.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/B3ta
* B3TA / SUICIDE - don't read the next bit if
you don't want to be alarmed. Dunks writes, "My
Partner, Sue, committed suicide 7 weeks ago.
It's really crap. I'm having a hard time (as
you can imagine - we'd been together nearly 19
years) but watching B3ta does help me in its
own way. I've been a boarder for over 4 years,
though I don't post very much these days. But I
am finding the sheer superficiality & sickness
of B3ta so comforting in these dark times for
me. Sue used to slag me off for being such a
Nerd & a B3tian (it's now B3tard?), but she
would always wait on a Friday night when we
were suitably pissed enough for me to show her
the highlights from the newsletter. She loved
it! Her favourite thing ever was the
Kitten-Hitler game & she also loved the image
competitions. I can hear her laughter now &
will forever. Life's just so shit isn't it? In
B3ta style, I would like a T-Shirt saying: MY
WIFE KILLED HERSELF." Yep, as we said, the word
is ALARMED.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BOTTLE-BLOWING XYLOPHONE - film yourself
blowing beer bottles, create different notes by
drinking some of the beer. Edit it together to
play Peter and the Wolf.
* A BIG BUTTON - that turns Facebook off. Yes,
it's great, but we've got some work to do, and
so have you.
* TESTING VINEGAR - you know there's that book
that suggests pretty much everything can be
cleaned by vinegar? And it can cure warts?
Systematically compare vinegar with the leading
brand-name solutions. Let's put this stinky
baby to bed once and for all.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Coelacanth,
Friz & The Coast of Yemen. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Pork chops to b4ta.
Subject line by Griffin Savoury, other
suggestions included:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7403521
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SICKIPEDIA:
Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.
Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300
dead. Fuck it. Makes you proud to be British.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
