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This Week:
* VIDEO - Beer Beer Beer
* FOOD - B3tard eats placenta
* WEEBL - More Cat Face

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're stop-motioning     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  your dad having a wank,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  together. Huzzah."

B3ta email 285 - 13 Jul 2007

Wipe this tissue in your trousers:

       Say hello:  [email protected]
  Wave goodbye:  [email protected]

  Million Dollar Pubes

  I have always liked to have a smooth and
  hairless body, it's how I feel good. Let's not
  beat about the bush, there's no room for
  fluffing around here; this will have you waxing
  lyrical in a hairs-breadth.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Every penny spent with B3ta is a penny that
  your boss will praise you for spending. And
  you'll get laid.


  The bestest stuff ever, we suspect

  >> Beer Beer Beer <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Two days, two
  people, twenty beer glasses and over 1000
  photos. My legs are still aching." And if there
  was an organisation called "The Pub Marketing
  Board"? This video surely would have won the

  >> Placenta-eating <<
  TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall became
  famous after a stunt where he flambéed and
  puréed a human placenta which was served as a
  pâté. Our own Lord Manley is a man after his
  heart. (Not literally, although we wouldn't put
  it past him.)

  >> Cat Face II <<
  Looks like Weebl is onto a winnner with his new
  Cat Face series. We're finding that people are
  referencing it online and quoting the song.
  Funny script too.

  >> Chocolate rain parody <<
  Hard to miss over the last few weeks has been
  Tay Zonday's surprisingly catchy self-penned
  'Chocolate Rain' song and vid on YouTube.
  B3tard par excellence RussinLondon knocked up
  his own takeoff this very afternoon. Brilliance!


  Crazy Relatives

  Last week we asked about your certifiable

  Here are three grandparents who are away with
  the fairies:

    "My granddad used to leave pudding out in the
    garden. Slightly mental in itself, of course.
    When asked why, he responded: "It's for the
    grey squirrels" Not just squirrels, though of
    course that's somewhat banana- brained in
    itself, but specifically grey ones. And why
    might that be, granddad? Bless his fucked-up
    excuse for a mind, he was under the
    impression that grey squirrels were elderly
    red squirrels. And being elderly, they most
    likely wouldn't be able to chew nuts as well
    as in their youthful red-haired days. So a
    nice soft pudding seemed the obvious
    solution. My parents never corrected him and
    he continued preparing roly poly, spotted
    dick and rice pudding for the 'old dears'
    until he died." (Confused, would we?)
    "My granddad, for whatever reason, needed to
    climb a tree about 10 years ago to cut down a
    branch that was upsetting him. My gran told
    him that if he fell and hurt himself to not
    come complaining to her. After a few hours of
    not hearing any swearing she took a look out
    the window and saw him sat by the tree having
    fallen off and broken both his legs. "You
    said don't call you if something happened..."
    After recovering in hospital and back home to
    do his bricolage, he then managed to cut off
    bits of his fingers with a circular saw. He
    swears the dog ate them. After recovering
    from that, back in his garage, he needed to
    open a little tub of super-glue. What with
    the newly mangled hand and what-not, he
    decided to use his mouth and efficiently
    glued his gob shut. Ok, this time he couldn't
    call for help so OAP reasoning took over that
    he could deal with this with a wood file from
    the shed and shred his lips back open. He's
    still alive and kicking, though he probably
    doesn't remember any of it" (schrembot)
    "My Nana regularly phones the council to
    complain that there are Armadillos living in
    her house, and they should do something about
    it. No matter how much we try and explain to
    her that Wood-lice can get through the
    smallest crack, and that getting the odd one
    a month in her hall during summer will not
    actually harm her." (turtles head is touching

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Are you all farty? Talk to us here:



  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> iPhone Knitting <<
  The web has been going mental for the iPhone
  this week, from the will-it-blend lot
  destroying one, teenage hackers working out how
  to connect them to different networks and best
  of all, old ladies knitting them for their
  grandchildren. Thanks gran - just what we

  >> Eye Tattoos <<
  Bmezine should be stopped. Who thought it was a
  good idea to stick all the body modification
  freaks in one place and have them out-do each
  other in tattoo-madness? Inking your own
  eyeballs? Fucking insane. Made you look, make
  you stare, made you wank off Tony Blair.

  >> Lolcats vs Doctor Who <<
  Blokey in the office says to us the other day,
  "Am I really old on this lolcats thing? I've
  been reading all of them overnight and they are
  hilarious." Well, hopefully he'll also enjoy
  this reworking of Doctor Who in lol-stylee. We
  loved it with a sexy passion.

  >> Google Maps Tube Mash-up <<
  Ok, not a super-fun-woo-b3ta-rolf-lol-link, but
  London readers will enjoy this. Find out how
  different the actual tube routes are to the
  famous map via this interactive thingamajig. 

  >> Blindfold drawing <<
  Sixty years ago Life Magazine asked cartoonists
  to draw their characters whilst blindfolded.
  Fascinating stuff, and we suggest you close
  your eyes right now and attempt to scribble a
  crudely-drawn cock. 

  >> You're so dumped <<
  No, not what the cannibal said after eating his
  ex-girlfriend, but a rather illiterate
  rejection letter read out, grammatical error
  after error whilst sniggering. Made us lol and
  rolf like a 13-year old girl polluting the
  comments on YouTube.


  Baby mice

  Smelch writes - "I took this photo, I think it
  makes people go awww or whatever, so might go
  good in the newsletter." Indeed, your mouse
  made our hearts burst with joy.


  Saying 'meh' to what twats call UCG each week

  >> Will it blend: iPhone <<
  As previously mentioned in this very issue,
  here we are, unexclusively bringing you the
  link. According to our official B3ta chef,
  Fraser Lewry, this is "viral advertising at its
  best." But then he eats a lot of raw beef and
  thinks it's tasty, so basically he's mental

  >> Youtube vs Youtube <<
  Who hasn't fantasised about being Bono, singing
  about leprechauns and the IRA in front of a
  bank of TVs? Well, this is as close as you're
  going to get, by mixing two (yes! count them!)
  two, youtube videos and watching them at the
  same time. More fun than it probably should be.

  >> Wormy cock <<
  NSFW, nightmare-inducing,
  don't-click-on-this-whatever-you-do worm/penis
  horror. Heh. We told you not to click. Did you
  listen? Did you?


  Pixelly Pep does her stuff

  Sexy Denise, our official B3ta design genius,
  has been making brand-new, high quality
  garments. You'll want to wear them because
  they're just so fucking cool you'll probably
  get laid just by clicking the link. (Can we
  have our £5 please now Den?)


  Results from the Scissors and Glue Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create photoshoppery
  the good old-fashioned way, using scissors and
  glue and stuff.

  Your favourites included:
  * ELGAR - Highly innovative use of a crisp
  twenty pound note from the surely demented
  (Spunky McPunk) 

  * MARIO - This image will scar your dainty
  eyeballs. It may be a penis, but it's not porn.

  * LOCAL SHOP - The League of Gentlemen missed a
  trick not casting eggs in their sketches; this
  labour of love redresses the balance (Andytomaz)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Muppets do the Movies <<
  The Muppets have made some pretty mediocre
  movies, but what other films could they star in
  to bring in the blockbuster bucks? Challenge
  suggested by The Great Architect


  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  * FRUIT JUICE-ONLY DIET - nirm somewhat
  alarmingly confesses, "Surviving for seven days
  on fruit juice is impossible. I started Friday
  5pm and got to sunday morning before I started
  to get the most agonising stomach cramps
  followed by explosive diarrhoea. It is now
  Monday and I can not go to work, I can not even
  fart without the fear or shitting myself." 

  * ZOO / NUTS - the endless appropriation of
  B3tard-made images for the weekly men's mags
  has been drawing some rumblings from
  journalists. The Times also got in touch asking
  for quotes on this, but we're unsure if they
  ran anything. To be honest, there's not a huge
  amount we can say that wouldn't look like
  hypocrisy, but PLEASE magazine people, if you
  want to use re-print stuff off the web, throw
  in a token payment / ask for permission from
  the actual creator of the work. Cheers.

  * UNCYCLOPEDIA - we, perhaps unwisely,
  mentioned this wiki-nonsense site a few weeks
  back, not realising that a few of you hadn't
  heard of it. Random Image confesses, "I decided
  to type in B3ta - I got this stuff about  'B3ta
  was founded in the late 14th Century by the
  failure of the Spanish Armada to invade a
  single one of the British Isles.'" Heh,
  complete nonsense of course. B3ta was actually
  founded by bored staff at Emap's Your Horse

  * B3TA / SUICIDE - don't read the next bit if
  you don't want to be alarmed. Dunks writes, "My
  Partner, Sue, committed suicide 7 weeks ago.
  It's really crap. I'm having a hard time (as
  you can imagine - we'd been together nearly 19
  years) but watching B3ta does help me in its
  own way. I've been a boarder for over 4 years,
  though I don't post very much these days. But I
  am finding the sheer superficiality & sickness
  of B3ta so comforting in these dark times for
  me. Sue used to slag me off for being such a
  Nerd & a B3tian (it's now B3tard?), but she
  would always wait on a Friday night when we
  were suitably pissed enough for me to show her
  the highlights from the newsletter. She loved
  it! Her favourite thing ever was the
  Kitten-Hitler game & she also loved the image
  competitions. I can hear her laughter now &
  will forever. Life's just so shit isn't it? In
  B3ta style, I would like a T-Shirt saying: MY
  WIFE KILLED HERSELF." Yep, as we said, the word



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BOTTLE-BLOWING XYLOPHONE - film yourself
  blowing beer bottles, create different notes by
  drinking some of the beer. Edit it together to
  play Peter and the Wolf.

  * A BIG BUTTON - that turns Facebook off. Yes,
  it's great, but we've got some work to do, and
  so have you.

  * TESTING VINEGAR - you know there's that book
  that suggests pretty much everything can be
  cleaned by vinegar? And it can cure warts?
  Systematically compare vinegar with the leading
  brand-name solutions. Let's put this stinky
  baby to bed once and for all.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Coelacanth,
  Friz & The Coast of Yemen. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Pork chops to b4ta.
  Subject line by Griffin Savoury, other
  suggestions included:


  Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.
  Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300
  dead. Fuck it. Makes you proud to be British.

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