NEWSLETTER: "WE AR IN UR BBC RIGGNG UR COMPOS"
This Week:
* FOOD - Silkworm pizza
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Evil books for kiddies
* QUESTION - Have YOU drunk meths like us?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not buying
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the Harry Potter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| book... together"
286, 20 7 2007, International Heliophysical year
Probably looks better in a browser. Yo clickity.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue286/
Sub: [email protected]
Snub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Dance like a mentalist
Every generation invents a dance to confound
their mums and dads: The Charleston, Pogoing
and Head-banging all resulted in moral panic
and incredulity. Now it's Krumpings' turn. Be
down with the kids, learn about it here.
http://www.wirebreakers.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Buying B3ta ad space is both relaxing and
refreshing.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pizza, Races and Pirate noises
>> Silkworm pizza <<
Putrid chef Fraser Lewry has recently been
cooking up a storm with his silkworm pupa pizza.
The result looks surprisingly tasty, but we're
assured that it tastes little better than a
shit in a bun.
http://www.blogjam.com/2007/06/28/silkworm-pupa-pi...
>> Google Maps races <<
"I made a game!" gesticulates Tom Scott, "It's
a Google Maps racing game! You can drive like a
loon around your home-town in a pixelly car.
It's vastly improved if you make racing-car
noises as you play. Although, frankly,
anything's improved by making racing-car
noises." This isn't the most playable thing
you'll see today but you have to love the idea.
http://www.thomasscott.net/realworldracer/
>> Phoning for a curry like a pirate <<
"It was a warm, slightly pissed Saturday night
and we decided to order Indian for dinner,"
boasts mrgyneacologist, "my mate challenged me
a tenner to order it like a pirate." We didn't
want to like this, but somehow, we kinda did.
Sorry.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Flatulent arseholes
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about your anal guffs:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/farting/
* THE LONDON EYE "is basically a small sealed
plastic capsule on a huge wheel. It takes 30
minutes to complete a revolution and once it
has begun there is no way to go off other than
waiting for the ride to finish. Thus, it was a
rare moment of synchronicity that I dropped the
most pungent gruff of my entire life right at
the top of the London eye, on a hot summers
day, surrounded by unsuspecting tourists. I
swear to god one Italian lady tried to force
the main door on the capsule. She would have
rather jumped than bear the stench anymore.
They knew it was me because I was the only one
laughing." (MrVictim)
* OUR DOG BEN "once farted in front of the gas
fire, and lit his own fart. The surprise and
confusion as he leapt up and whipped around to
see what what going on with his bum was quite
special. Length - dunno, but it definitely went
'woof'." (BeatsWork)
* SUPERMARKET SWEEP - "When I was younger I
used to work in a supermarket on the night
shift. One night, to alleviate the inevitable
boredom of shelf-stacking, I wandered down to
the front desk, held down the talk button and
let a real teeth-rattler go into the microphone
of the PA system. I can't begin to express the
satisfaction of hearing ones own arse-biscuit
echo round the eves of a large closed
supermarket followed by a hearty cheer from
impressed colleagues." (toomanydecibels)
>> Drinking meths <<
We'd like you to tell us your stories of
teenage rebellion. Hopefully involving meths.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/teenagerebellion/
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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Sausage-crust pizza
Japan has finally brought its engineering
genius to fast food. It's all in the detail; a
pizza with small, cheesy sausage-rolls circling
the rim, topped with maple syrup and
beef-burgers. Is this some deluded Oriental
parody of what Westerners eat?
http://www.plasticbamboo.com/2007/07/16/pizza-hut-...
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: RICHARD & JUDY'S B3TA BOOK CLUB
Tintin In The Congo
Times change and books that were once seen as
appropriate are now considered, in the words
of Commission for Racial Equality, "old
fashioned, racist claptrap." This Tintin tome,
for instance, has been kicking up a stink in
the UK, with calls for high-street shops to pull
the book from the shelves. Sales, of course,
have sky-rocketed, hence the right thing to do
is to download a hooky copy to see what the
fuss is about without lining the pockets of
"all publicity is good publicity" publishers.
http://snipurl.com/tintinandthenignogs
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Hat/pillow combo <<
Always got time for surprising product
convergence, our all-time favourite being the
excremental salt/pepper medley, Spepper. Our
pick of the pox this week is this nutty
professor, who's decided to mash-up a cushion and
a balaclava. Although having said all that, we
quite fancy one, and wonder if someone could
design us a sofa/toilet melange for the truly
idle.
http://itp.nyu.edu/%7Ejyp243/jy/pillow.htm
>> Maddox on the iPhone <<
As reader awthomas100 points out, "Maddox has
finally written something new. He sure is
getting lazy." True enough, but now the wait is
over we're enjoying his rant on how much better
some Nokia is than the iPhone. Will history
prove him right?
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi
>> Very Weird Game <<
Can't claim we bothered playing this game
properly, but the mental visuals made us
nostalgic for the earlier days of B3ta and our
less-than-influential 'shit is good' manifesto.
http://www.secrettechnology.com/gamegame/gamegame....
>> Rubber woman <<
Wannabe Buffalo Bill? Don't bother skinning a
woman to make a lady suit - simply give these
marketing perverts your credit card details in
exchange for a prostitute-shaped rubber suit.
Complete with "urethra orifice" and "insertable
rectum for the anus." We're wearing one now.
And pushing drawing pins into our scrotum.
Don't lie - we know you are too.
http://www.femskin.com/
>> What time is it? <<
"Time is an illusion, lunch-times doubly so,"
as the great Douglas Adams once wrote, probably
after a very boozy lunch, procrastinating about
writing another best-seller. No particular
reason to mention this other than
chrono-boffins have designed a watch that
always tells the correct time. i.e. 'now'. If
they were really clever, it should photograph
as 'then'.
http://www.elevatefilms.com/NOW_Watch_p/watch-001....
>> Mike Read NOT standing for Mayor <<
We repeat, Mike Read - one-time Radio 1
journalist - is NOT standing for London Mayor.
Loving these 1000+ comments on the Guardian
mocking the nation's least favourite DJ for his
pompous arrogance. As b3tard Parmesan writes,
"It is, quite possibly, the most astonishingly
self-regarding, deluded, bizarre piece of
writing I have ever seen. Some have speculated
that it could only be the work of Chris Morris,
or some other joker."
http://snipurl.com/justrelaxyouoldtwat
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: TONY HARTS GALLERY
Collections of photos. 7 rofls out of ten stuff
>> Unfortunate Advertising <<
Placing advertising is a tricksy job, news
happens quickly and story-vs-spot juxtaposition
can create some interesting tension. Some
classics of the genre are found here.
http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx
>> Deleted photos <<
Digital cameras have changed photography. No
more 'say cheese', now we take 100s of snaps
and throw away the ones that look rubbish. This
site questions your need to chuck, and
celebrates the snaps that end up in the recycle
bin. Although we question the methods: how can
a user both delete and submit the same photo? A
better plan would be to employ cyber-ninjas to
check strangers' recycle bins.
http://www.deletedimages.com/
>> Seeing skulls <<
Dave 'please don't email me googlewhacks'
Gorman has recently been building a collection
on Flickr of photographed objects that resemble
faces. Similar but eerier stuff going on here,
finding pix that look like flesh-riven human
heads. Perhaps you can help?
http://skulladay.blogspot.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby Hedgepig
"We've just adopted this little fella",
grumbles DancesWithWeezils, "He was abandoned
by his mother when her nest was disturbed!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cute_baby_hedgehog_video
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Well at least it's not 'Facebook Ap of teh week'
>> Best jump ever? <<
In what will presumably be pulled from YouTube
once the hits rack up, and end up on break.com,
we're giggling at this clip of school boys
jumping from a roof onto a trampoline. Yes,
it's as bad an idea as it sounds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Nearly nude dancey twat <<
We're amused by this clip both because, well, a
slightly overweight bloke dancing in his pants
is always a winner, and secondly because he
shares a name with someone we worked with,
Steve Berry, a web producer once of Channel 4.
Hi Steve! Nice knickers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dancing girl <<
Apparently this clip was made by playing the
song at half speed and then speeding up the
video. However it was done, the effect is
mesmeric.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Guaranteed 100% funnier than ever
>> Philippino MILFs <<
Probably not what you're thinking, but an
unwisely-named group of Islamic militants as
in: "But he denied that the MILF was
responsible for the beheadings, or that it was
involved in the kidnapping of the priest."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6290...
>> Butt Foods <<
If you thought this feature couldn't get less
sophisticated then hang your head in shame!
And likewise to the bakers, who clearly
weren't even trying with this name.
http://www.buttfoods.co.uk/
>> Alice Bendova <<
"When I was in Prague last week," explains
Clive P, "I was attracted to the smiling face
on a magazine on a bookstand. It turned out
that the lovely lady is called Alice Bendova."
Cue racy comment and sniggering.
http://www.super.cz/celebrity/alice-bendova
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Foody Tube / Underground
Big massive props to uber-genius "An Eagle in
your Mind" who's created for us possibly the best
t-shirt ever designed. You need this on your
chest.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Muppets Challenge
Last week we wanted to watch movies
starring the muppets.
Your favourites included:
* KERMAL RECALL - On of the most famous
sequences in science-fiction, recreated
with added green (dbroon)
* BORT - yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt
der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de
umn bort! bort! bort! (shovelboy)
* WACKA MAN - According to Wikipedia,
Fozzie's catch-phrase is actually 'Wocka
Wocka Wocka', but who cares? (The
Great Architect)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/muppets/
>> New challenge: Bad Books For Kids <<
Books are a vital part of any child's
early learning. So let's mess with their
little heads and devise the most
inappropriate children's books ever.
Challenge borrowed from Something Awful.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FREE ALAN JOHNSTON was last week's plaintive
cry. However, Elvis of Nazareth was unamused.
"With regard to your latest newsletter, I must
inform you that my advertised free Alan
Johnston was missing from my particular copy. I
have informed my newsagent but alas he is a
cunt." Our apologies, Elvis. We will fax you
one across via the interwebs.
* THE SO-CALLED 'MICE' featured in newsletter
285 were, in fact, voles. "Trust me," says
ferret joe gravely, with the full authority of
a man who has a 2.2 in zoology.
* BEEROPHONE - Bringing to life our fondest
dream, The Coast of Yemen has crafted a mighty
musical instrument powered by thirst-quenching
amber nectar. Having beheld its wondrous form
nothing will satisfy us now but that we see or
hear it play!
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/beerophone...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tetris - drag'n'drop
The interface innovations of the early 90s have
finally been brought to everyone's favourite
pentomino-based gaming-heroin. Kinda fun in a
'Windows 3.1 on your Gameboy' sorta way.
http://gcgz.com/inflash/list/x.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GRAVITY DARTS - we placed a dart-board
beneath a high, open window and dropped darts
out. It was a lot of fun, but probably best not
done near pavements.
* THOMAS THE AUSWITCHZ ENGINE - the disturbing
story of Thomas and Percy talking the nice
Jewish folks to the gas chambers.
* RICHARD DAWKINS IS MY DAD - a cartoon from
the perspective of a small child, sobbing as
old Dadkins debunks the tooth fairy, using a
very detailed powerpoint presentation.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Sarah Bee,
Absynth&Cheese, hahn, klaus, Rob 'Rob'
Wakefield, tex, pinkda1sy, sdoty,
wandring_soul, Hairy. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subject-line compo winner: Ad7.
Pork chops to b4ta. ( )
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the difference between the Scottish and
Madeleine McCann? The Scottish are still
tight.
http://www.sickipedia.org/