NEWSLETTER: "MADDIE OR CHIPS?"
This Week:
* ROY WALKER - Secret KKK shame
* CAKE - Just like a Tardis
* CHAIRS - That look like cocks. As usual
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| woolwich... together"
B3ta email 288 - 3 Aug 2007
Stick this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue288/
Sub: [email protected]
Snub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want our link love? Then speak to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
KKK, Bananas and Cake
>> KKK Catchphrase <<
"I've uncovered disturbing evidence," bleats
Dr.A, "That the old TV game show Catchphrase
may have been a front for the Ku Klux Klan.
Pics here:" Looks convincing to us.
http://snipurl.com/gitphrase
>> Suicide bananas <<
Clearly the fruit bowl of a goth - kdsglass has
let these unfortunate nanas turn black and hang
themselves. Strange fruit indeed!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kdsglass/946053305/
>> Tardis cake <<
"Thanks for the mention of my birthday in the
little bit at the bottom of last week's
newsletter," beams Briony. "The other high
light of my birthday was making my TARDIS cake,
shame I can't post a piece to you." The cake is
all well and good, but it's the slightly
gratuitous shot of her in a little black dress
we liked.
http://niroby.livejournal.com/24262.html#cutid1
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Council Cunts
Last week we got all excited about a record
titled "Hackney Council Are A Bunch Of Cunts".
'Acidtrash' emailed us to say that it's an acid
techno tune on Stay Up Forever, so called
because Hackney confiscated their soundsystem.
The poor widdle mites:
http://b3ta.com/questions/councilcunts/
Frankly most of your rants are far too long and
complex to even quote here, so here's some
funnies:
* "It could be worse. Yes, the council are ill
educated, unadulterated poo-pants but do you
know what happens to the plebs who are just too
fuckstick thick to work for the council? They
all work for Virgin Media. And not as
waste-paper baskets like you'd imagine, but
actually OPERATING THE PHONELINES! It's true!
Jesus-H-God-Bastard-Christ-on-a-bike!"
(pooflake)
* "If you're ever looking for a job, try Social
Services. They're always after staff as they
have the highest long-term sick and highest
resignation rate of all Local Government
employees. I can remember one conversation I
had with a Social Worker who was having trouble
with her computer. They used a database called
"CareFirst". Social Worker: "There's something
wrong with CareFirst. I can log on OK and I can
get into 'Families' but I just can't get into
'Relationships'". Me: "Neither can I - I'm
scared of commitment." She fell off her chair
laughing. Poor souls - they don't get many
giggles in their job." (Legless)
* "On the back of a bus this morning, in
Torquay. Sex education poster from Torbay
Council, which says: 'Do you need help talking
about relationships and sex with your
children?' Hmm, no, but I AM tempted to offer
my services as a proof reader." (inflateable)
>> This Week's Question <<
We know you've tried to suppress the memories
of family holidays, but you'll only have to
read the first few entries already posted for
it all to come flooding back. Tell us about
Aunty Gladys's smelly feet here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/familyholidays/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Mutated fruit pics <<
What is this? Fucking That's Life? We're not
Esther Rantzen. Fuck off.
http://uliwestphal.110mb.com/mutatocollection/
>> Racist toothpaste <<
If you wanted to suggest your new toothpaste
made teeth pearly white, would you cover it in
drawings of black men and call the product
'Darkie'. You would? Then you, good sir, would
have made a great advertising copyrighter in
less enlightened times.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darlie_Toothpaste
>> Penis chairs <<
In our unending pursuit of 'things that look a
bit like cocks' comes this Nathan Barley office
chair made from three basket balls and some
wood. Coming soon to an ad agency office near
you. BTW: They're missing an ad slogan: "Looks
like a cock - ideal for wankers."
http://snipurl.com/penis_chairs
>> Porn addict forum <<
B3tards! We know you love a good wank, but have
you ever considered giving up? Here's a
messageboard to help. Sample post: "I was so
depressed. I had flushed 7 days of work down my
penis. and now this morning I didn't even
bother to try and I jacked off again at 8.09."
http://snipurl.com/pron_addict
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube, fashionable before Facebook
>> 20 Questions <<
Several years ago we went to a party held by
Firebox - the people who sell electronic tat on
the web - and we stole one of those 20 Question
Balls that do the 'animal, vegetable, mineral'
quiz. It was shit and we threw it in a bush.
Shame it never occurred to us to play the game
with the word 'penis'.
http://spikedhumor.com/articles/118237/20_Question...
>> Super Columbine Massacre RPG <<
'Should violent video games be made illegal?'
asks this short clip. The humour comes from the
gap between the 'omg this is is outrageous' v/o
and the frankly shit graphics.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
>> MC Spazzmatazz <<
Galia Durant has emailed us with the comment,
"LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK it's a spastic making
hip hop." Her words, not ours. BTW: We've just
googled her name to see if we've got the gender
right, and she appears to be in a 'toytronica'
band called Psapp. Which is nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Justin Timberlake's dick. In a box. <<
We must be asleep at the wheel as this video
has reached over 25 million views without us
seeing it. Still, now that we have seen it,
we're moderately happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Stab us in the man-cunt with pork chops
Submissions this week included
* The election of the Turkish MP, Mr. Ufuk Uras
* A Thailand open-source software festival
creating the acronym 'tossfest'.
* And the classic 'Essex gag', this week's
variation being westsussextourists.org.uk
Thanks to stuarth, Obz and rwadey for that.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Monument Challenge
Last week we wanted new uses for old monuments.
For our money the best images all involved games:
* Stone Henge as a super casino (Happytoast and
'cockgate')
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7443644
* Tower Bridge as a HUGE pinball machine (Paper
'n Pencil)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7442483
* Easter Island as table football (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7444682
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pyramids/
>> New challenge: Safety last <<
This week we'd like you to make safe things
dangerous.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/danger/
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: MENTAL EMAIL OF THE WEEK?
Harry Potter Grot
pp_lynch writes -
"Lying in my pit suffering from a bout of food
poisoning my delirious mind produced some very
disturbing ideas about Harry Potter.
* Would you use Polyjuice potion to swap roles
with your partner and what would you do with
your wand?
* Would you use Polyjuice potion to become the
object of your sex interest and then what would
you do?
* What about Tonks's ability to change shape -
what do her and Lupin get up to? (Those two
would give a new meaning to Doggy Style.)
* Would you use the enlargement spell on your
cock / tits / both?"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include...
actually, sod it, here's some technological
pet-peeves instead:
* WHY THE FUCK HAVE NOKIA CHANGED THEIR
CHARGER? They now use a smaller jack, thereby
destroying the great advantage they had in the
market place: every office had a spare charger.
Fuckwits.
* eBOOK READERS - Ok Sony, your device isn't
bad, but if you advertise it as being able to
read PDFs then make sure that it doesn't make
the fonts so small as to be useless.
* MAC REMOTE CONTROLS - very nice idea Mr Jobs,
but surely you could have build a little drawer
into the laptop so we had somewhere to store
them?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by clumsyeloquence,
hahn, RussInLondon, That girl who dates "Or Is
It?", griffin, mr. peter. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Donkey punch to b4ta.
Subject line from DogHorse.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7473927
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SICKIPEDIA:
I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out
the newspaper headline "Village still looking
for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
