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This Week:
* WEEBL - a song about blimps!
* VEITCH - Joel's new vid
* AWWW - Charley the spacker cat

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're disappointing ours
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   families... together"

B3ta email 289 - 10 Aug 2007

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  Being selfish. It’s not big. It’s not clever.
  But it is funny. 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Helium, Love and Bitch-tits

  >> Jonti - Blimps <<
  Mr Picking is back on form and has been writing
  sing-songs, to these ears, as good as the
  halcyon days of Badgers and Kenya. His new
  tunage celebrates dirigibles and helium. BTW:
  Everyone knows that inhaling helium makes your
  voice squeaky, but did you know that Nitrous
  Oxide has the opposite effect and makes your
  voice lower? It also gets you off your tits, so
  that's a double win.

  >> Rathergood - Love <<
  Veitch is another who's returned to his roots
  this week with a song by his band 7 Seconds of
  Love and a clip full of rather mournful
  kittens. He claims with his usual modesty,
  "It's the best thing ever made ever ever ever
  of course. Hooray!"

  >> Dogs with tits <<
  We get many an odd link sent to the B3ta inbox,
  the strangest for a while being from Nash
  Odyssey who states, "my friend Will and I gave
  his dog a wicked side-breast. I've written up
  the experience in the form of a how-to, just in
  case you feel like making your own
  doggy-dumpling." Make of that what you will.


  Family Holidays

  Last week we asked you to tell us what you
  could remember of going on holiday with your

  "My Uncle Hamish has a number of great friends
  with whom he used to travel around Europe. One
  of the said friends has a curious desire to get
  nekkid whenever he gets drunk. Hamish and his
  mates were in Italy, blasting along some back
  roads when this mate decides to get some nudey
  action in, strips off in the car and climbs out
  of the sun roof holding onto the roof rack like
  a wobbly pink Spiderman. The second he was up
  there, Hamish wound the sunroof shut and
  floored it. After about five mins of screaming
  from above them they decide to do the decent
  thing and drive onto the Autoroute, past a bus
  load of school kids who pissed themselves
  laughing at the screaming naked man with
  flapping nads perched on top of the car. When
  they pulled over and let Mr Naked back in, he
  was almost in shock and to my knowledge stopped
  the naked japes from that point on." (BigWill)
  "20 years ago, my Dad decided to take us for a
  trip to France in March. Other than the fact
  that I got really car- and sea-sick on the way
  there, the whole two weeks were fairly
  unremarkable, if a little damp. Due to a
  promotion in a scummy, unpopular-in-Liverpool
  tabloid, we were getting the ferry back from
  Belgium, rather than France. This meant we had
  a much longer drive back. Despite leaving with
  plenty of time to spare, the frequent stops to
  allow me to throw up on some very scenic grass
  verges meant we rolled into Zeebrugge just in
  time to see the ferry leave. Cue my dad
  screaming at me about how it was all my fault
  and how it'd cost a fortune to get back now.
  His rant was curtailed by me pointing at the
  ferry we had just missed as it first rolled
  heavily one way, then the other, before taking
  a sudden turn and sinking. We missed being on
  the Herald Of Free Enterprise when it sank by
  about five minutes and a puddle of vomit."
  "Me and my then-best-mate James went with my
  Dad, Nan, Grandad and Great Uncle Tom to one of
  the Haven Holiday caravan sites in Cornwall. We
  were there 3 days, and we pulled twins, albeit
  from a Mormon family. They were up for
  anything. Highlight of most men's lives. We had
  great fun for 3 days and on the last night,
  they invited us back to their caravan as the
  parents were out. Fun occurs. Lots of getting
  naked type fun. Until headlights flash across
  the window: Ma and Pa twin are home. We get
  caught, dragged back to our van, bollocked
  collectively by their parents and mine. Finding
  both daughters with one set of pants on between
  them didn't go down too well. Me, James and my
  family were collectively banned from all Haven
  Holiday camps. Thing was, as we exited the
  Manager's office, my dad shook me by the hand,
  muttering - "twins, naked, brilliant..."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Why should you be fired? Confess all here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Number stations <<
  Number stations are radio channels that
  broadcast nothing but a voice, reading a steady
  stream of numbers. Why are they there? No-one
  knows. But that doesn't stop them trying out a
  variety of outlandish theories.

  >> Too many ponies <<
  This woman is clearly pathologically unable to
  throw out anything related to 80's toy craze My
  Little Pony. Scroll down for the full horror of
  this demented 'pony sanctuary'. 

  >> Kevin Mitnick's business card <<
  Celebrated hacker Kevin Mitnick's card came up
  with a novel way to ensure his contact info
  wasn't thrown away by people. His card doubles
  as a pull-out lock-picking kit. How useful is
  that? Well ok, not very. Looks cool though.

  >> Magazine optical illusions <<
  Deceptively simple bit of trickery, making it
  look like real people are part of magazine
  photos. Good attention to detail with the
  hairstyles and such.

  >> "Should I get a sugar daddy?" <<
  That's what the strippers are discussing up on
  their web forum. Some handy advice there, if
  you're in the same situation. Hmm. Remember
  when the only people who had forums were
  software developers?

  >> Fake broken LCD screen <<
  Here's a quick gag to play on someone - replace
  the wallpaper on their laptop with this image
  of a cracked screen. Not that we could actually
  we arsed to play such pranks on our friends, we
  did it to our own PC, forgot about it, then
  went "OMG! WTFs happened to our lovely
  computer?" Idiots.

  >> Kiddy dildo action <<
  Who doesn't love looking at photos of kids
  playing with inappropriately-shaped toys and
  wondering, "Why the hell didn't anyone realise?"



  Geoff Logan writes, "I'm in Tasmania - Hooray!
  It's beautiful here and means we can look after
  these fellas when they get injured. 3-month-old
  wombat found near our driveway."


  Displaying compression artifacts for the kids

  >> Kung fu child beater <<
  The addition of some simple sound effects and a
  bit of trick camera work and it genuinely looks
  like this guy is beating the crap out of his
  kids under the guise of teaching them martial

  >> Charley the spacker cat <<
  Surprisingly touching vid about Charley, a cat
  with cerebellar hypoplasia. Essentially, this
  condition makes him a clumsy oaf who walks
  like a feline John Wayne. Cute.

  >> James Blunt on Sesame Street <<
  The whiney-voiced singer has lost his favourite
  shape and he doesn't know what to do. As some
  people have already commented, our opinion of
  him actually went up after seeing this.

  >> Worst domino rally ever <<
  So disappointing! No prizes for guessing the
  payoff to this, after a long set-up shot
  detailing the entire, intricate domino



  * GASH MAGS - With the lady's head blocking out
  the 'O', it look's like a magazine about...


  Results from the Safety Last Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to take everyday
  objects and make them properly dangerous.

  Your favourites included:
  * Smoke detector with a 'snooze' button - to be
  honest, we kind of wish this was available
  whenever we cook (thephantom)

  * 'Daddy's little helper' mobile - letting your
  child have a play with power tools (HappyToast)

  * 'Slam-dunk' piano-wire seat-belt and neck
  restraint  - ouch (mofaha)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: If song lyrics were true <<
  Sod metaphor, imagine if that rotten wordplay
  was literal fact!


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  TARDIS GIRL - a number of you wrote in to say
  how much you fancied the girl who made the cake
  last week. Including Pablocumming who managed
  to cyber-stalk a better photo of her. BTW:
  We've checked and she's ok with us linking this
  image, and we're very happy to have members
  with such fantastic breasts. Huzzah.

  NOKIA CHARGERS - our complaint sparked many
  emails from disgruntled users including dregan
  who barks, "Jesus fuck, I hate that shit. I got
  a newish Nokia and didn't realise that the
  jack-hole was too small for every other charger
  in existence, it is honestly the worst thing
  ever. OK i mean you can buy an adaptor but fuck
  that i didn't graduate from university to carry
  half a foot of wires in my pocket for no
  reason. Even if i did graduate in engineering."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LEVEL SIDEBURN TECHNOLOGY - fredthedeadhead
  writes, "I've come up to a solution to the
  nightmare of shaving sideburns equally! We all
  know that sideburns are a pain to measure
  so that they are the same length. So I've had
  an ingenious plan! All you need is to get some
  of that plastic that you can stick onto mirrors
  and then peel off again later. Onto that, draw
  a face-length horizontal line to line your
  eyes up with (to make sure your face is level)
  and at each end of that, have a vertical ruler
  to ensure your sideburns are of equal length!"

  * LAPTOPS THAT RUN COOL - can't all the heat
  that they produce be used for powering the device
  longer? Instead of lowering our fertility?

  * SHOE CAMERAS - for taking photos of ladies'
  knickers on the underground.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alloydog,
  simon.bigg Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Newsletter title by Your watch is. Bacon
  butties to b4ta. (RAPEYWOO) 


  What nationality is Mr Sheen?

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