NEWSLETTER: "MISSED BY YOUR SPAMFILTER"
This Week:
* WEEBL - a song about blimps!
* VEITCH - Joel's new vid
* AWWW - Charley the spacker cat
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're disappointing ours
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| families... together"
B3ta email 289 - 10 Aug 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue289/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Being selfish. It’s not big. It’s not clever.
But it is funny.
http://tinyurl.com/27wamt
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Helium, Love and Bitch-tits
>> Jonti - Blimps <<
Mr Picking is back on form and has been writing
sing-songs, to these ears, as good as the
halcyon days of Badgers and Kenya. His new
tunage celebrates dirigibles and helium. BTW:
Everyone knows that inhaling helium makes your
voice squeaky, but did you know that Nitrous
Oxide has the opposite effect and makes your
voice lower? It also gets you off your tits, so
that's a double win.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/blimp/
>> Rathergood - Love <<
Veitch is another who's returned to his roots
this week with a song by his band 7 Seconds of
Love and a clip full of rather mournful
kittens. He claims with his usual modesty,
"It's the best thing ever made ever ever ever
of course. Hooray!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Love_Me_Like_You_Used_To
>> Dogs with tits <<
We get many an odd link sent to the B3ta inbox,
the strangest for a while being from Nash
Odyssey who states, "my friend Will and I gave
his dog a wicked side-breast. I've written up
the experience in the form of a how-to, just in
case you feel like making your own
doggy-dumpling." Make of that what you will.
http://lobsterking.livejournal.com/42803.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Family Holidays
Last week we asked you to tell us what you
could remember of going on holiday with your
family:
http://b3ta.com/questions/familyholidays/
* WOBBLY PINK SPIDERMAN
"My Uncle Hamish has a number of great friends
with whom he used to travel around Europe. One
of the said friends has a curious desire to get
nekkid whenever he gets drunk. Hamish and his
mates were in Italy, blasting along some back
roads when this mate decides to get some nudey
action in, strips off in the car and climbs out
of the sun roof holding onto the roof rack like
a wobbly pink Spiderman. The second he was up
there, Hamish wound the sunroof shut and
floored it. After about five mins of screaming
from above them they decide to do the decent
thing and drive onto the Autoroute, past a bus
load of school kids who pissed themselves
laughing at the screaming naked man with
flapping nads perched on top of the car. When
they pulled over and let Mr Naked back in, he
was almost in shock and to my knowledge stopped
the naked japes from that point on." (BigWill)
* FERRY
"20 years ago, my Dad decided to take us for a
trip to France in March. Other than the fact
that I got really car- and sea-sick on the way
there, the whole two weeks were fairly
unremarkable, if a little damp. Due to a
promotion in a scummy, unpopular-in-Liverpool
tabloid, we were getting the ferry back from
Belgium, rather than France. This meant we had
a much longer drive back. Despite leaving with
plenty of time to spare, the frequent stops to
allow me to throw up on some very scenic grass
verges meant we rolled into Zeebrugge just in
time to see the ferry leave. Cue my dad
screaming at me about how it was all my fault
and how it'd cost a fortune to get back now.
His rant was curtailed by me pointing at the
ferry we had just missed as it first rolled
heavily one way, then the other, before taking
a sudden turn and sinking. We missed being on
the Herald Of Free Enterprise when it sank by
about five minutes and a puddle of vomit."
(ScousersPet)
* TWINS
"Me and my then-best-mate James went with my
Dad, Nan, Grandad and Great Uncle Tom to one of
the Haven Holiday caravan sites in Cornwall. We
were there 3 days, and we pulled twins, albeit
from a Mormon family. They were up for
anything. Highlight of most men's lives. We had
great fun for 3 days and on the last night,
they invited us back to their caravan as the
parents were out. Fun occurs. Lots of getting
naked type fun. Until headlights flash across
the window: Ma and Pa twin are home. We get
caught, dragged back to our van, bollocked
collectively by their parents and mine. Finding
both daughters with one set of pants on between
them didn't go down too well. Me, James and my
family were collectively banned from all Haven
Holiday camps. Thing was, as we exited the
Manager's office, my dad shook me by the hand,
muttering - "twins, naked, brilliant..."
(gjb006)
>> This Week's Question <<
Why should you be fired? Confess all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/whyishouldbefired/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Number stations <<
Number stations are radio channels that
broadcast nothing but a voice, reading a steady
stream of numbers. Why are they there? No-one
knows. But that doesn't stop them trying out a
variety of outlandish theories.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Number_stations
>> Too many ponies <<
This woman is clearly pathologically unable to
throw out anything related to 80's toy craze My
Little Pony. Scroll down for the full horror of
this demented 'pony sanctuary'.
http://tinyurl.com/3dxj6t
>> Kevin Mitnick's business card <<
Celebrated hacker Kevin Mitnick's card came up
with a novel way to ensure his contact info
wasn't thrown away by people. His card doubles
as a pull-out lock-picking kit. How useful is
that? Well ok, not very. Looks cool though.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranh/106709219/
>> Magazine optical illusions <<
Deceptively simple bit of trickery, making it
look like real people are part of magazine
photos. Good attention to detail with the
hairstyles and such.
http://tinyurl.com/26n49q
>> "Should I get a sugar daddy?" <<
That's what the strippers are discussing up on
their web forum. Some handy advice there, if
you're in the same situation. Hmm. Remember
when the only people who had forums were
software developers?
http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php
>> Fake broken LCD screen <<
Here's a quick gag to play on someone - replace
the wallpaper on their laptop with this image
of a cracked screen. Not that we could actually
we arsed to play such pranks on our friends, we
did it to our own PC, forgot about it, then
went "OMG! WTFs happened to our lovely
computer?" Idiots.
http://www.fontblog.de/C1413545161/E1863918477/ind...
>> Kiddy dildo action <<
Who doesn't love looking at photos of kids
playing with inappropriately-shaped toys and
wondering, "Why the hell didn't anyone realise?"
http://englishrussia.com/#more-1214
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Wombats!
Geoff Logan writes, "I'm in Tasmania - Hooray!
It's beautiful here and means we can look after
these fellas when they get injured. 3-month-old
wombat found near our driveway."
http://tinyurl.com/2a444e
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Displaying compression artifacts for the kids
>> Kung fu child beater <<
The addition of some simple sound effects and a
bit of trick camera work and it genuinely looks
like this guy is beating the crap out of his
kids under the guise of teaching them martial
arts!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Child_Beater
>> Charley the spacker cat <<
Surprisingly touching vid about Charley, a cat
with cerebellar hypoplasia. Essentially, this
condition makes him a clumsy oaf who walks
like a feline John Wayne. Cute.
http://b3ta.com/links/This_is_Charley_He_s_not_lik...
>> James Blunt on Sesame Street <<
The whiney-voiced singer has lost his favourite
shape and he doesn't know what to do. As some
people have already commented, our opinion of
him actually went up after seeing this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/James_Blunt_on_Sesame_St...
>> Worst domino rally ever <<
So disappointing! No prizes for guessing the
payoff to this, after a long set-up shot
detailing the entire, intricate domino
arrangement.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Worst_domino_rally_ever
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
* GASH MAGS - With the lady's head blocking out
the 'O', it look's like a magazine about...
http://tinyurl.com/2cb2bx
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Safety Last Challenge
Last week we wanted you to take everyday
objects and make them properly dangerous.
Your favourites included:
* Smoke detector with a 'snooze' button - to be
honest, we kind of wish this was available
whenever we cook (thephantom)
* 'Daddy's little helper' mobile - letting your
child have a play with power tools (HappyToast)
* 'Slam-dunk' piano-wire seat-belt and neck
restraint - ouch (mofaha)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/danger/
>> New challenge: If song lyrics were true <<
Sod metaphor, imagine if that rotten wordplay
was literal fact!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_song_lyrics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
TARDIS GIRL - a number of you wrote in to say
how much you fancied the girl who made the cake
last week. Including Pablocumming who managed
to cyber-stalk a better photo of her. BTW:
We've checked and she's ok with us linking this
image, and we're very happy to have members
with such fantastic breasts. Huzzah.
http://tinyurl.com/2xrotk
NOKIA CHARGERS - our complaint sparked many
emails from disgruntled users including dregan
who barks, "Jesus fuck, I hate that shit. I got
a newish Nokia and didn't realise that the
jack-hole was too small for every other charger
in existence, it is honestly the worst thing
ever. OK i mean you can buy an adaptor but fuck
that i didn't graduate from university to carry
half a foot of wires in my pocket for no
reason. Even if i did graduate in engineering."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LEVEL SIDEBURN TECHNOLOGY - fredthedeadhead
writes, "I've come up to a solution to the
nightmare of shaving sideburns equally! We all
know that sideburns are a pain to measure
so that they are the same length. So I've had
an ingenious plan! All you need is to get some
of that plastic that you can stick onto mirrors
and then peel off again later. Onto that, draw
a face-length horizontal line to line your
eyes up with (to make sure your face is level)
and at each end of that, have a vertical ruler
to ensure your sideburns are of equal length!"
* LAPTOPS THAT RUN COOL - can't all the heat
that they produce be used for powering the device
longer? Instead of lowering our fertility?
* SHOE CAMERAS - for taking photos of ladies'
knickers on the underground.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alloydog,
simon.bigg Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Newsletter title by Your watch is. Bacon
butties to b4ta. (RAPEYWOO)
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NOTVERYSICKIBUTSTILLINAPEDIA:
What nationality is Mr Sheen?
Polish.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
