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This Week:
* PAIN - Testicles vs. champagne cork!
* FEAR - Brian Blessed rampage!
* CHIPMUNK - eating a peanut! Aww!

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 291 - 24 Aug 2007

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  One for all you B3tan Football Fans 

  Football Folk - the interview series with a
  difference: Today, Kevin Day of Match of The
  Day 2 fame meets with England boss Steve
  'superhero' McClaren... Brought to you by
  Fanbanta.com - where fans get their kicks.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Swearing, balls and the usual nonsense
  >> Swear generator <<
  "My new animation is at last finished," curses
  Koit, "After 10 months of on/off animation.
  It's called 'The Swearers' and is simply just
  that. Two blokes, who hate each other and so
  swear at each other, all of the time. Forever."
  For our money, it's that you can pointlessly
  change the backgrounds  and costumes that
  amuses us far more than the swearing.

  >> Champagne vs. balls <<
  Mr_SD asks, "Ever wanted to see my mate Steve
  being shot in the balls with a champagne cork?"
  Hmm, if you like your laughs homoerotic then
  you've come to the right place. NSFW.

  >> DIY record stunt <<
  B3ta reader and journalist Rhodri Marsden has
  been conducting a little experiment: write,
  record, make a video and stick on iTunes a new
  song in under 30 days. To be honest we thought
  it would be shit, but the track is great and we
  wish him all of the luck.


  Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of

  Doctor: "That's the least of your problems...
  You have AIDS."


  Crap parents
  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked you to dob in your parents
  for setting dreadful examples.

  The best answer isn't really relevant, but
  we're going to quote it in full because it's so

  "My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He
  loves nothing better than annoying people and
  suppliers who piss him off, nothing bad, just
  minor spats. He loves doing really pointless
  but perfectly legal things. This is my absolute
  favourite petty revenge story of all time. 

  Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an
  office supplier, its about £3800. He contested
  it and basically dragged out payment for
  months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent
  someone round he'd pay them cash.

  In the mean time, he went to the bank and after
  discussion with the bank manager, worked out
  what the legal minimum denomination of notes
  and coins could be used. 

  He also went to the garden centre and purchased
  a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin. 

  As it turns out, you can pay in coins. the
  resulting amount pretty much filled the dustbin
  - well 3/4 full. It was almost impossible to
  move. 4 guys from the office got it upstairs
  and hid it in Dad's office. They spent half an
  hour emptying all the coins from their bags.

  The debt collectors arrived. Dad made them wait
  an hour or so for the hell of it. He came out
  and spoke to them argued the toss some more.
  Eventually dad 'caved' and pointed them in the
  direction of the money. Upon seeing it they
  groaned and muttered that there's no way they're
  going to take that. Prepared, Dad immediately
  hands them a piece of paper and says, fine,
  sign this. They ask what it is, "its to confirm
  that I offered you full payment and you refused
  to accept".

  They sigh and give in. Dad asks for a receipt.
  They start counting. Dad has previously removed
  a pound or so earlier on.

  A couple of hours later, they point out that
  its a pound down. Dad denies that's possible,
  maybe they should recount? They relent and fill
  out a receipt. They fill the bin back up and
  start dragging it to the lift. My dad watches

  The lift arrives and they struggle to get it
  over the floor divider but panting,  they
  finally get the thing in the lift. As the doors
  begin to close, my dad sticks his hand between
  the doors, forcing them to open again.

  'Erm lads? Where are you going with my bin?'

  My dads ace really." (IHROOcoke)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to talk about sleepwalking, and
  pissing, shitting and wanking. Speak now so
  that Google can index your confessions and make
  you completely unemployable.


  What's the difference between AIDS and cancer?
  When you have cancer you still get visitors.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Chippy desk <<
  What self-respecting computer owner doesn't
  want to take several thousand CPUs and turn
  them into a stylish table that will make all
  the girls quiver with lust? 

  >> Fake sunroof <<
  Following on from the spray-on mud we once
  featured comes the replica sunroof. Quite why
  this product exists, few can fathom, which is
  probably why it's been one of the more popular
  links sent in this week.

  >> Word clock <<
  P T Barnum once claimed "there's one born every
  minute," referring to suckers rather than just
  babies. Every wondered what the real figures
  are? Find out with this compelling toy.

  >> DIY stencil shirts <<
  Lovely tutorial on how to use ordinary toilet
  bleach and some stencils to make some great
  looking shirts. If any readers give this a go,
  then please send us some photos of how you get

  >> Carlsberg advertising <<
  We're almost loathe to link to this, as it
  makes us feel played, but still props off to
  whoever thought up the idea of dropping ten
  quid notes in the street with the sticker,
  "Carlsberg don't do litter, but if they did,
  it would probably be the best litter in the
  world." Genius, but we wonder three things:
  1. If you asked us to drop this litter in the
  street we'd rob the cash 2. Did they really do
  it, or just put the story out that they did it?
  3. The whole point of this exercise is
  obviously to get people like us to mention
  their brand. Job done. Grrr!

  >> Snape fan art <<
  Slightly gamy paintings of Harry Potter
  favourite Severus Snape. Sometimes semi-clad,
  sometimes posing suggestively with Marilyn
  Manson or Hermione Granger. Gets a bit random
  towards the bottom of the page, with
  appearances by Dr Gregory House etc.


  A horse walks into a bar,
  The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
  To which the horse replies, "I've got AIDS."



  Simple but engaging idea here: a version of
  Pacman where you play the ghosts. In lieu of
  anything better to say, the best ever Pacman
  joke is "If Pacman had affected us as kids,
  we'd all be running around in dark rooms,
  munching pills and listening to repetitive
  electronic music." Whereas the second-best is
  a pie-chart bisected to look exactly like our
  yellow friend with the legend 'Percentage of
  chart which resembles Pacman.' 


  What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?


  Yay for vids

  >> Rape the duck <<
  Seems like it's going to be shit for a few
  moments, then the music kicks in and you can
  see what they're on about. The dodgy old dance
  track does indeed resemble someone molesting
  waterfowl. Also, well done on persuading
  someone to dress up as said duck for dramatic

  >> Brian Blessed out of control <<
  Noted introvert Brian Blessed makes an
  appearance on all-female-presented chat show
  and he's clearly very, very excited about it.
  Our favourite bit is just a few minutes in
  when, apropos of nothing, he lunges at one of
  the presenters with a preposterous snort. Scary!

  >> Tongue girls <<
  Cute girls doing tricks with their tongues.
  Falls into that strange hinterland between
  'sexy' and 'tongues are like hyperactive
  shellfish that live in your mouth'.

  >> "Furry, Happy Monsters" <<
  Hot on the heels of James Blunt's Sesame Street
  appearance, here's REM doing a muppet-related
  number on the old show. Amusing to note that
  their drummer has made himself absent from the

  >> Internet hate machine <<
  Here's FOX News reporting on 'hacker group'
  Anonymous. In no way is this ill-informed,
  sensationalist nonsense. Oh em gee, they can
  put gay porn on your Myspace page - now here's
  a picture of an exploding van!


  Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... 

  The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers
  disease or AIDS." 

  "What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't
  tell the difference?" 

  "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early
  stages... Tell you what... Drive her way out
  into the country, kick her out of the car, and
  if she finds her way back, don't fuck her." 


  standardcrow writes, "I live in Germany and was
  highly amused when in my local electrical goods
  store to find, next to the innocent coffee
  machines tonnes of the following coffee brand."

  * SCHOOL FUN - coobeastie growls, "Bird's Bush
  Primary School, Tamworth." As opposed to man


  What are the first symptoms of AIDS?
  A sharp pounding sensation up the backside.


  Chipmunk vs. Peanut

  Alan Eagle ejaculates, "Check out this chipmunk
  eating a whole peanut! Big-mouthed bastard!"


  Results from the Celebrity Afterlife Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know where the 
  rich and famous would end up in death.

  Your favourites included:
  * SIMON WESTON - large donor, plenty of 
    chilli sauce, hold the salad 

  * JEREMY CLARKSON - the quick brown fox 
    drives over the fat TV presenter 

  * PRINCE CHARLES - watch out for the 
    surprise ending (londoner)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Stop AIDS <<
   It's been 20 years since the infamous 
   "Don't Die of Ignorance" campaign, yet
   the disease is still going strong. 
   So design a new poster to help prevent
   the spread of HIV and AIDS.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Have you heard the joke about the baby with
  AIDS? It never gets old. (Unlike peppering the
  newsletter with almost every joked tagged
  'aids' from our very own Sickipedia. Ok, we'll
  stop now.)


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPAZ CAT II - SpunkyBackpack mews, "A couple
  of weeks ago you featured a spazzy cat in the
  newsletter. Well, amusing as it was, that cat
  was frankly a tightrope walker compared to my
  friend Splinx's pet Molly. She's possibly the
  best cat ever and we love her to bits."

  * MORE SIDEBURN FEEDBACK - Smallbrainfield
  writes, "To get them even, I used to pull a
  large elastic band over my head, level it up in
   the mirror, then trim away." Whereas
  air_guitar2001 spluffs, "The how-to-trim facial
  hair bandwagon cannot be closed until we all
  start calling sideburns earbrows."



  Lots of you emailed in about our suggestion to
  replace song lyrics with the word sausage. It's
  funny what captures people's imagination.

  * MONKEY GAME - "I play a movie game," blurts
  The Brooker Prize, "I replace a numbers in a
  title  with 'monkey' and ask others to guess
  the film. Hence 'Twelve Monkeys' becomes
  'Monkey Monkeys'. There's only one round and I
  always win."

  * HUG RAP - moogman censors, "Moreso than
  sausages, I think that replacing the word
  'fuck' with the word 'hug' makes rap infinitely
  better. Hug the police indeed." 

  * SAUSAGE SONGS - "We built this city on
  sausage roll", "God loves sausage roll, so put
  another dime in the jukebox baby" and of
  course, "God gave sausage roll to you." (Thanks
  benowen90 who also says, "P.S. Newsletter
  rules!" Yay.)



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COLOSTOMY SEX - a doctor friend of ours
  mentioned that he'd read case notes on people
  having to have their colostomy holes repaired
  after their partners had fucked them. We're
  sharing as it was the most repellent idea we'd
  heard in a while. Let's be quite clear, this
  isn't something we'd actually like to see.

  * TRAMPSENSE - take a DV camera out on the
  street. You find a homeless person and you go,
  "Sing us a song, tell us a joke, c'mon just
  give us a party trick." Then the homeless
  person does a jig, or maybe shows you a
  particularly rotting leg. You film this and
  stick it online with AdSense (the Google make
  money scheme for advertising.) You've then
  basically made a revenue stream for talented
  tramps. Half the money goes back to the
  homeless, and the other half to buying you a
  BIG HOUSE. You can live in the big house, and
  have servants and gold taps. This is whilst the
  homeless dance for AdSense pennies. Huzzah.

  * SELF-FINANCED NHS - live operations on TV,
  medical freaks paraded in circuses, and sexy
  nurse webcams. They are sitting on a goldmine
  and yet they spend our taxes. GAH!
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SiX, rosenberg1,
  spiny, supres, jjangell and hahn Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Waxdart for the
  title. His fault.


  "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my
  "What are the symptoms?"
  "They're those yellow people on TV."

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